most cringe thing you've written

>>8735731
Luring in the stamina of the campaign, the willows only sifted through a small percentage of the stench of the open sewer main upwind of the conference hall. Many of the staunch citizens approached their seats with a grimace of disgust and a gush of vomit splashing against the back of their throats, wondering what they'll have to agree to that day just to keep their fingers inside. Little did they realize that their hair cuts were in vain, and it was simply an execution of an aboriginal at the expense of the high royal society of Lieught Scleoupo. There was much revulsion at the sight of the blood of the native, which always served to titillate the impressionable revolutionaries, who had so much to prove with so little power to do it, they typically backed down from dissenting parties on a rate of 30% after that, which is tweaked magnificently later on in life when stocks are established to their social security numbers.

>>8735731
Post more, liked it, want to know what happens next

>>8735731

not cringy anon, just a bit of an adjective overload

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“Have you ever seen a nine year old on fire?”

Marie sighed. She picked up the shot glasses from the table, offering one to Micky “Come, finish this with-”

Micky slapped the drink from her hand. It bounced off the floor, spinning in the air for a moment before it skidded off into the center of the room. In the silence of the lounge, the glass’ ringing sounded like a car crash to Marie’s ears.

Marie turned her head slowly to face Micky, making sure to keep her face neutral. Micky’s eyes were wide, his pupils two black dots surrounded by a web of red on white. His lips were shaking, his chin wavering as if he were trying to speak without opening his mouth. Marie refused to get angry. That would only make things worse.

“Have you?” Micky finally stuttered.

“Have I what?” Marie asked, leaning her head against her hand, her elbow propped onto the table.

“Little girls on fire.”

“Jesus Christ, Micky,” It turned her stomach. How was he able to speak so easily about this? “Of course I haven’t”

“It was this mother and child, in the village about an hour drive from Buenos Aires. Mama wasn’t all that old, but she looked ancient. She looked older than my grandma does now, but she swore that little kid was her child, not her grandkid. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. Either way, they-”

Micky threw up, his puke splattering against the table, overflowing onto the floor.

Marie sighed again.

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>>8735731
>Capitalizing improper nouns and pronouns

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>>8735731
>It was a sanctuary of darkness; eternal shadows were vainly persecuted by the light being filtered through the broken, lonely window.

I really like this sentence, good job.

>Los Angeles street

How about describing your own setting as similar to a Los Angles street but let the reader imagine it based off your description?

>Misfortunes drew themselves upon the fingers, Miseries upon the palms and Ephemeral Summers within the aching phalanges.

What? You're losing me here. Maybe save this for a later description when it's relevance makes a bit more sense?

>>8735744
Hooked me. Want to know whats going on and why. B++ anon

>>8736039
iunno, something i wrote while stoned out of my gourd. it has no follow up.

One time I wrote a short story about David Foster Wallace announcing to a room of academic-types in some Ivy League mess hall that Infinite Jest is shit and killing himself and when mass pandemonium occurs with professors burning books the way a feminist would a bra the ghost of Harold Bloom unravels like a genie in smoke and stops the chaos by saying his is the arbiter of objective truth and saying it is fact that DFW possesses no discernible talent and in doing so the room resumes order and nobody comments on what just occurred

>>8736014
This is like more autistic and edgy Faulkner, I like it

>>8736085
>Stirner'sSummerJob.jpg

>>8736117
fucking lol

>>8735731
>>8736039
>I really like this sentence, good job.

I thought it was all quite good, and this sentence is not even intuitively or content wise one of the more interesting or pertinent or fancy or poetic and descriptive ones, but this one really caught my attention, the rhythm of it, and the balance and flow of word choices and their phonetics, ups and downs and nice complex sounds that balance out to be real smooth, and its very strong and forceful, active motive, imagery, poetic/narrative voice real confident and commanding here

>He had to use excessive force to lodge the door back into its unsymmetrical framing.

But yeah, I dig most all of it (even if some of it was purposefully, or all, a bit blown out, or thought you were trying to write cringy on purpose)

>>8736014

I like this too

>>8736106
kek'd

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>>8735731
>lets just write adjectives and call it literature

>>8736014
I commented above about OP's opening sentence, and how I thought it was longish. Anon, your piece is a superb example of not only being concise, but providing an awesome hook. A great opening line causes the reader to want to more. In this case, my immediate reaction was "why is burning a child the enemy?" Great concept, with great contrast, and I would love to read more.

Great prose also has great flow-great rhythm. Again, yours is a perfect example. The cadence is so perfect. Sounds great and feels great.

My friends and clients know me as often being over critical. On the other hand, when I see greatness, I am equally blunt. Your opening line is nothing less than superb.

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>>8736106
kek. not half bad anon.

>>8736106

I'd say I'd read it, but honestly the kicks in the plot, which you've already given me.

>>8736164
>>8736153
Allow me to reiterate: my writing professor called it "rabelaisian".

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>>8735731

A white wind bellows across the top of an ice-encrusted mountain range. On a plane in the distance a collection of small wooden cottages begs observation. A waxing crescent hoists itself above the western sky. The dim lights of the village begin to fizzle and one at a time the candles are pinched out till nothing but celestial light takes command of a black landscape. A howl can be heard ringing high above the mountain-tops.
The villagers hasten to their dwelling places. With sweaty palms and chattering teeth, families assemble behind their doors and begin to barricade the entrances, arming even their youngest with sharpened blades and loaded rifles.

A sonorous silence deafens the ears. In the frozen stillness of the night the creak of a gate door is heard followed by the sound of knocking followed by the sound of an exploding gun shot followed by a painful shriek followed by the sound of a second gunshot followed by a moaning sob followed by the sound of a slice and a dying yelp followed by absolute quiet. The villagers remain in hiding until the early morning.

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>>8735731
Don't think I have it saved, wrote a story about a guy in the zimbamby apocalypse who kidnaps a girl and tries to turn her into an amputee sex slave, but fucks up and she dies. Then he gets chased by zambies off a cliff while literally regretting everything he's ever done.

Why'd you make me remember I wrote that shit
It was self insert.

>>8736035
>I only read English language lit from after 1800: the post

>>8736106
You think that's bad? I wrote a story about Kafka haunting a descendant of Max Brod until he can destroy every existing copy of Kafka's work.

>>8736195
but that sounds cool and funny

>I once wrote a story about a hitman. Most of it was pretty bland but this part always stuck out to me as cringe overload

I flicked on the television again, skipped past the talking heads and over to something produced by the BBC. Something natural, with animals trying to murder each other. David Attenborough was even narrating. No commercials on this channel either. Thank God for state run enterprises.

I relaxed on the couch, watched a buffalo get taken down by a pack of brindle colored wolves and felt my heart race at the sight of the blood. The brightness always appealed to me in some basic, primal way. When I was younger I gave blood as often as I could get away with, partially out of some sense of civic duty, but mostly because of the formless, nameless pleasure of watching something so vital flow and drip and fill a space.

I’m sure that there are all sorts of psychological connections between that and my current profession. I can already imagine Herrs Freud and Jung chomping merrily away at their cigars. *Zis fascination vith blood obviously comez vrom your inherent vear ov your own mortality,* Herr Freud might say, doubtlessly suppressing an urge to ask if I’ve ever slept with my mother or something deviant like that.

On the screen the wolves busily dismantled the buffalo, with all the sharp toothed precision of a pack of fluffy driver ants. Some of that fluff had wilted though, matted down with gore, one wolf even had a grotesque garland of intestines draped around his neck like some nightmare-world rosary.

David Attenborough even stopped narrating, seemed to just be watching as well, listening to the huffs of pink misted breath and the occasional yip and growl that rose over the crunch and rend of flesh tearing.

Goddamn. Now that was some fine television.

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>>8736183
kek. anon thats hilarious. you should recreate it.

>>8735731
nice pepe

>>8736182

The premise isn't too bad, i'm interested in what happened but honestly the writing itself is crumby. The use of followed by three times in a row in particular.

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I wrote an entire fiction novella about an aryan boy who makes a trip to fantastical metropolis only to find himself caught there, robbed of his money and 9 year old manservant by pedophiles and ultimately gets thrown into a situation where he becomes an internet God to twchnozombies and child sex slaves as the 600lbs cannibal mastermind plots to eat him. There's also witches and teleportation. I'm not proud but I did write the damn thing.

>>8735731
>Sluggish footsteps

What does that mean...? Like...slow footsteps? Seems like there would be a much better word than that, and why make this confusing thing your very first fucking words?

>Screeching of the rusting grillage

....?

>stucco peeling off the exterior wall as the flesh of a week old corpse

super edgy, bro.

>He had to use excessive force to lodge the door back into its unsymmetrical framing

Kind of stopped reading after this clunky piece of shit.

>most cringe thing you've written
My diary desu :(

>>8737292
post an excerpt, i don't believe you

>>8737292

It is just a wonder the publishing community wants nothing to do with you, i tell ya man.

>>8735731

A short story about a young man joining an internat, being somekind of a chosen one who is more or less forced by evil forces to reproduce with a young girl. The young girl is the child of some otherworld being, able to open a portal to a long forgotten place full of demonic entities that try to conquer the world through intercourse.
Really weird borderline paedophile fiction Im not exactly glad i have written. It should be a 3 part story whiel the last parts never seen the light of day.

>>8736248

>brindle wolves

Retard

>>8737360
I'll never publish it. Too cringy. I was shooting for transmetropolitan meets social commentary in 21st America but it fell flat. I put it down and came back to it 3 weeks later and couldn't come up with any words for it. Yikes

>>8737356
I'm not home right now but post an email and I'll see if I don't have the whole manuscript in an email folder somewhere. It's pretty bad

>>8737419
>I'll never publish it.

Really? I honestly can't see why not.

>>8736163
Is this your submission for the cringiest thing you've written?

>mfw OP submits half-decent work with the old pre-emptive "omg my work is cringey wink wink ;)"

>>8737425
I think the fact that it was written by someone I've interacted with, even f very briefly on a website will make it interesting to read, even if I just skim it.
[email protected]

>>8737471
Ok sent.

>>8737546

This is the first time I've noticed your trip, are you published, what's your deal?

>>8737558
Yeah, first two books of series are up. New book every 90 days through 2018. Book 3 drops around Xmas

"He was 9 years old when his dad commit suicide"
I was in middle school and I thought I was deep and shit so I put that as the first line to my short story. Then I didn't realize the teacher asked us to read the first line of our stories to the class. When I got called up I thought about Changing it but panicked and read the line.
The responses were along the line of half the people laughing and half the people asking if I needed help.

>>8737292
is that the freakin' cover of your book?

>>8737714
A mockup.

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>all these fucking adverbs

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>>8737714
This was the original concept. The story touches on the sexualization and abuse of children and teens and in no way depicts those acts in a positive or sympathetic light.

>>8737996

You're in therapy, right?

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>>8737996
Used local artist to translate style to western but in the end it just didn't work. In the end it got to be too much of a dumpster fire so I trashed the project and kept writing my space opera series.

>>8738002
I should be in therapy if I found those things to be pleasurable which is the opposite of my view. The book depicts all the acts in a deplorable tone. Part of me was like: "what should people NOT write about?" But then again boundaries at meant to be pushed. I'd love to write a banned book.

>>8738018

I'm not even touching your obvious pedophilia. I just mean you're a general fucking weirdo.

>>8737425
I'd like it too! [email protected]

>>8738023
I think the original idea came from a renaissance painting I saw of a battle worn knight being seduced by very real looking cherubs. It was written in 2010 and my niece was all about Hannah Montana and I wondered what it would be like for Miley to be used and thrown aside like Danny bonnaduce was from the partridge family since he was the prime example of how child stars are tossed aside. The main character is deceived and exploited by a guy who looks like Robbie rotten from lazy town with a sinister grin that literally stretches from ear to ear and acts like bob barker on acid, "smiling face" and "master plan" a disgusting 800 pound man who gets around by being pulled on a wheeled golden chair by inappropriately dressed 8 year olds with animal ears clipped on their heads like some kind of fucked up version of Santa Claus.

>>8738073

You ever think of channeling these ideas into a more appropriate and less visible form, like interpretive dance, or crochet murals?

>>8738023
The 40 year old goth DJ who writes 11 book-long series of young adult anime science fiction for an audience of zero is a weirdo? Damn.

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>>8738109
It manifested itself in other stories less cringeworthy.

>>8738118
I'm actually more of an "industrialist" but yes there's some goth in there. The sisters of mercy are a favorite. Try "this corrosion" if you've never listened to them or just listen to the album "vision thing" in its entirety and you'll be fine.

>>8738145

It's kinda funny how he's so desperate to say anything about himself, he ignores the fact that everyone is making fun of him and replies seriously.

>>8738151
"Hurr durr he talked about writing books on /lit/!1"

>>8738171

Would you consider the retarded kids who they let run onto the court before game and shoot a few shots to be basketball players?

Sort of the same thing here....

>>8738195
As opposed to those who have never picked up a ball in their life?

>>8738214

I think pretty much everyone has picked up a ball in their life

>>8738229
Then post your work or tell us about your novel.

>>8738244

I have, in other threads

>>8738248
Pics or didn't happen

>>8738257
>>8737376

>>8738262
How many pages so far?

>>8738279
That book? It's like 84k words, has been finished for like 2 years. Trying to get it published but on the verge of giving up and just self publishing.

I've written two others since that one that I've been more concerned with.

>>8736163
I think reddit would be more to your liking.

>>8737339
This

>>8737292
this is like a cyberpunk henry darger

>>8738297
>Berates gasbro for talking about books
>talks about his own books.
Kekzozzle

>>8738366

I wouldn't normally, but I was specifically asked. So suck it, faggo.

>>8737996
Who's the artist?

>>8738439
I think I snagged it off of deviantart or something. Without owning the copywrightci had to commission a near identical piece.

>>8738377
Calm down. I samefagged to prove a point, numbnuts. You should continue working hard to push your work to market. And don't shit on others who are accomplishing or attempting to accomplish their literary goals. It makes you look like a prick.

>>8738459
I just do it because I think you're a rediculous, sad person. No offense meant. If you cared what I thought, I'd have an even less opinion of you.

>>8738465
Thanks Coldsteel! I know it's nothing personal!

>>8737397
Of all the things to object to...

Out of curiosity, why?

>>8736014
this is pretty neat anon

>>8737996

To me it seems that the first and last parts are from a completely different story than the Middle. Both ideas are ok on their own, a typical genre magic/high fantasy type story and a dystopian story touching on the abuse of children by the entertainment industry could be pulled out of this.

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>>8736035
Fuuuuuuuug.

I'm incredibly guilty of this, but I just can't stop. Same with placing commas where they don't need to be.

For example, I'll type something up like
>Hey, Bobby. How was your day? I can't believe you went out, to the Market, when it's already so rainy.

Kill me now.

>>8736183
>CRAAAAAAAWLING IIIIIIIIIN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIN
>THESE WOOOOOOOOOUNDS THEY WIIIIIILL NOT HEEEEEEEEEAL

I want to read this really badly.

>tfw when this is practically a more humble, less toxic critique thread

good work OP

>>8736014
>“Have you ever seen a nine year old on fire?”
>“Have you?” Micky finally stuttered.
>“Have I what?” Marie asked.
>“Little girls on fire.”

Rather than ask "Have I what?", Marie needs a better dismissive piece of dialogue.

>>8735731
>>8735744
This is awful.

>>8736014
Micky Micky Micky Micky Micky Micky

Otherwise, interesting. Not bad at all.

The corpse, abandoned to the elements, had grown wizened beneath the glare of the sun, and I found with a disgust that soon ebbed into desperate hunger that the fetid rank of death which had a week earlier driven me away now enticed and beckoned me nearer--I could resist it no longer.

>>8737292
That sounds fucking awesome

>>8737651
With the right delivery I can imagine that being hilarious.

I've had integrity throughout my entire life.

Sorry that all of you have never been able to experience that.

I was dying. Strangled to death, tied up naked to a bedpost while the love my life rode me like a mechanical bull. Drool ran down my cheeks, my eyes were rolling further back into my head, my lungs were on fire. My vision was going dark, the color draining out of everything, the edges turning black like I had just stepped into a tunnel. I was going to die.

And it felt so good.

Like a dial being turned, slowly everything began to fade into bliss. The weight in my chest seem to be lifted and I was floating, my entire body lifted from the bed and placed onto a cloud. My eyes looked out lazily from heavy lids, almost blinded by the numerous balls of light that danced around the room.

>>8738960
I dont think so. Imagine in a bar with music playing, she didnt exactly catch what he said, she might have heard, but he couldnt really have said that could he, "have I ... whattt?"

"Have I what?" works perfectly

I like that situation and scene very much, the bluntness of it, and juxtaposition, seriousness of the subject, absurdity, I think its all around very good,

Have I what?

Little girls on fire

it cant be better than that, just the imagery picturing the person, you want her to say "ummmm what the fuckkk did you just say duudddeee???"

nah, the focus is him, and the line is perfect, instead of saying "well, what I said was, have you ever seen a nine year old on fire?"

you can tell he is dejected, despair, despondent, maybe drunk/buzzed a bit already, can just imagine mumbling or looking down at the floor... but author not suggesting any of these things allows us to fill in these blanks, and just "little girls on fire"

'Have I what?' "little girls on fire"

she ddnt even fully grasp the context, and he doesnt bother to fill her in on the context

Its perfect, I am sorry, but I would not recommend your advice.

>>8739440

As long as its the antagonist saying this, it's not too cringy

>>8738010

Wonder when the FBI raid will happen?

When I was 5 years old I wrote a story about a fish whose parents died in a fire. When I asked my mom to read it she nearly fucking died with laughter while I cried in my room

'heh.'

>>8738960
Nine years old or nine year olds

>>8735731
This is in regards to a nonfiction piece I had to do for cw, which isn't my strong suit by any means, and I was basically making fun of the five million depressed stories we've already gotten as well as the several hundred rape/spousal abuse stories that every woman writes about. So if it's cringy it was my attempt at being facetious:

I could tell stories of ended relationships, ones lost with fraying time, the lost encounters of those I’d promised to keep that are always still in the back of my mind, ones that left me knocked on my feet and hollowed—leaving what feels like a hole in me that pains beyond its metaphor, or one’s I’d ripped myself—ripped to such small pieces that I’d leave nary a trace to remember them by. I could tell a story of something deeply important, something deeply influential, or worse, I could tell a story of something deeply tragic—something so deeply painful and profoundly blackening in describing how my life has eroded to what it is now. Something with such an upsetting weight that would only be left carried after its reading by the arms of awkwardness, unsettled shifting of uncomfortableness, and averted eyes that would ask me why on earth I would speak of such a private thing publically.

>>8744450
>facetious
Yeah someone deserves to punch you for that one. I hope it didn't get put anywhere public with your name attached.

>>8744511
I'll be reading it publically to my creative writing class filled with millenial trash that write golden shit nothings on paper and expect it to be worshiped like a profound something.

Critiques?

"Henry was a relatively good looking man, with ash colored hair and bristly beard. He had been calling on Cinderella for the last couple weeks, finding her insatiable and not so easy forget. Henry ran his hand down her soft cheeks, as he pressed his body against Cinderella. Entwined, they clawed at one another, peeling their clothes off one by one. “You’re so hard,” said Cinderella, grabbing Henry by the crotch, her smooth hands caressing his throbbing member. “You make me feel like such a man,” gasped Henry, on his knees, as he pulled down her silk panties. His warm hands cusped in inside of her thighs, running up until he reached her moist tender regions; he looked at Cinderella, and said, “Of all the women, you taste the sweetest.” His tongue circled her clitoris as his fingers entered her, delving deep as he explored her insides. She moaned out in satisfaction, as she had been trained to do. Henry was unlike most of her callers, however. He respected her. He treated her like a lady. “Take me,” Cinderella gasped. “Take me now!” Henry grinned, as he rose to his feet, and picked her up. She wrapped her sinuous legs around him as he carried her over to the bed, and laid her on her back. Henry mounted Cinderella, and slid his hard cock deep inside. Rolling back his eyes in ecstasy, his hands began to shake, and he tried to steady himself. Cinderella rolled him over, and slithered on top of him. Straddling him, she moaned out in pleasure as his cock penetrated both deeper and faster. His dick rushed against the walls of her pussy, as the cum dripped down her thighs. “Oh god, yes, that’s the spot!” Cinderella screamed, interweaving their hands as she continued to groan in pleasure. “I’m cumming!” The warm stream of cum enveloped Henry’s hard cock, sending all the right impulses to his brain. He erupted like a volcano, filling her up as it cascaded out and down the shaft of his cock. “You… were… fantastic,” groaned Henry, crumpling to the bed in delight. Cinderella smiled, giving her legs a shake as she reached down behind her and caressed his balls gently, and said, “You weren’t so bad, yourself.” She rolled over to his side, and curled up beside him. He was warm, someone she could feel close too, and she snuggled up closer in appreciation. “…You’ve never mentioned your wife before,” said Cinderella, pointing to one of her dresses in the open closet. “May I ask what happened?” Henry was not comfortable with the topic, and fidgeted around on the bed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” said Cinderella, releasing his tension and placing her hand on his shoulder.

>>8744536
I dunno. Sounds like someone throwing themselves into a pit of snakes, you're on your own. Personally I doubt they'll even process it, maybe the prof will get it after the last line and be like 'oh that was clever, now I have to tell him what a faggot he is and assert my dominance.'
Best bet you get some old guy who just laughs and tells you to sit the fuck down because he's mad that you decided to read it out loud in the first place.
>>8744543
wimmin/10

>>8744576
Later on i talk about how I'm basically half a writer for writing purposefully offensive to get out a cheap reaction in my readers, going on to explain how Cunt is phonetically offensive instead of literally (something I hope is addressed in my female listeners) but all the while I repeat it in rhe attempt to make them read it over and over and to cringe at the feelings they've given the word. I originally put faggot and nigger in there for the same reasons but I later edited them out, not because I don't have the balls to keep them in, but because it's an 8 page maximum (public college) and I didnt have the room. There arent any black people in the class and I'm the only faggot so it wouldve been perfect.

>>8735731

Edit out the purple and it'd be passable. You could easily drop about 80% of it and improve it immeasurably. I know how this is, my first attempts at writing were flowery as fuck.

>>8744576
>wimmin/10
Is it really that obvious?

>>8744625
>faggot
Oh, you'll probably be fine then.
>>8744650
I wrote some erotica some time ago so I understand these things. Don't expect the average joe to be able to see through that nonsense.

>>8744659
>Don't expect the average joe to be able to see through that nonsense.
Clarify, please.

>>8744669
What's your concern?

>>8744680
I'm genuinely trying to understand what you meant. Like, the average joe will see not see through it, and draw what, possibly inaccurate conclusion?

>>8744694
Yeah. There are certain tells in writing, so if you are a man and wrote that, people would probably think you were a woman and vice versa. They wouldn't be able to explain 'why' they would just think 'this is the woman's thoughts' of the character, not the writer. They don't think about the writer. So, it's good if you were going for that, but the guy is unrealistic trash and I think for women that means:
1)he's the wish fulfillment guy
2)he's actually an asshole with a dark past, they just haven't seen it yet(the wife he has)
For women's lit, 1 goes to 2 and back to 1 again, always. That's like an ironclad rule. Good luck, you posted it here but it's not bad at all.

>>8736014
>“Have I what?” Marie asked, leaning her head against her hand, her elbow propped onto the table.
>“Little girls on fire.”
>>8736248
>I can already imagine Herrs Freud and Jung chomping merrily away at their cigars. *Zis fascination vith blood obviously comez vrom your inherent vear ov your own mortality,* Herr Freud might say, doubtlessly suppressing an urge to ask if I’ve ever slept with my mother or something deviant like that.
>>8744543
>grabbing Henry by the crotch, her smooth hands caressing his throbbing member
> her moist tender regions

holy shit these killed me lol

Why is everything so fake? Goed up to sitting and asked Anny. My dear jar of peanut berry. Annie said and nodded.

>>8744721
Thank you for clarifying.

>>8736190
Pleb. I bet you don't even write exclusively in old English.

I'm killings myself because no one will care that i do.

This sentence!

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>>8735731
It was early in the afternoon when John saw ahead of him a tree upon which rainbow-coloured birds sat, twittering away, as they do. Drawing nearer, he made the realisation that if he were to continue on his current path he would pass directly beneath them. This made him nervous. He nibbled at his fingernails and shuffled about on the spot, going round and round, spitting out clippings in every-which-way. He monitored the birds and they monitored him. Claws grew sharper, beaks more vicious. But soon his attention was diverted, shifted to the question of how he would proceed from here. Flashing before his eyes, various tactics and stratagems presented themselves for scrutiny, and though he had not yet chosen what tactic he would use, for not one had distinguished itself, he found himself already in flight. He would have to hurry in his decision-making. Each passing second the birds drew nearer.
John sped up, now at a pace, then he slowed down, lumbering along, then he sped up again, almost jogging, then he stopped dead, nearly falling on his face. He stood there for a moment, thinking. He noticed that the usual chatter of the nearby café could not be heard.
John leapt forward in an instant but then stood rigidly in place. He looked up at the birds, they were chirping still. An elderly car rattled past, its wheezing caught John’s ear, ‘That car is in an urgent need of a thorough inspection by a licensed mechanic,’ John thought, nodding his head as though he and his committee had just finalised plans on some project that to him seemed quite trivial, and that his time and expertise would’ve been better spent on more sophisticated things.
John reared slowly from the tree, back beyond where he had been when he first spotted the birds, and there he poised himself. His technique was uninspiring but the look on his face was one that would surely have brought to tears any proud Olympian who, upon seeing John’s determined expression, would have recalled when he too was on his mark. And with that John was off, skipping, then running, then jogging, then hopping, then waltzing. All the while the birds approached, perched on the branch, quicklime ready. Their eyes sparkled, their feathers ruffled, they seemed eager, excited, keen to soil John’s day. They were just ahead, John’s heart raced.
He patted his head, shoulders, and down his back: nothing, all clean. He looked back and saw the birds staring him down, feathers flustered. He gave them a smirk and continued on his way. Behind him the café exploded with laughter, but that was none of his concern—onwards!

>>8737425
I'd like to take a gander at your manuscript as well, please.
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