/critique/ general

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My try at an 18th Century-esque fantasy. Yes it is inspired by Harry Potter thank you very much.

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>>8667487
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>>8667488
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Give it all you got lads, I want your critiques.

A few paragraphs I vomited out today. I need to improve.

“I am finished dressing,” he said, straightening. The toes of his shoes were capped with metal, polished so brightly that he again saw himself. Arches of the shoe hugged his foot, he had been flat footed before. Has she changed that as well? Some more confusing emotions swam to the surface at this, pushing out his slow absorption of the situation to instead consider what other changes she had made that he merely had failed to notice yet. A keen awareness came over his body, struggling to find some minute difference. The trance lasted for a few moments, before being broken by themetallic scrape of well oiled hinged.

“Madam has instructed me to accompany you to the East Wing to attend her, follow me.” Abandoning his concentration, Lauro followed Evenrel from the room. Much like the bedroom the hallway shone in reflected light from hanging alcohol lamps. Every surface seemed to be made of shining white stone, polished enough to reflect one’s features vaguely. From a hallway that passed by several more identical doors, and through an archway Lauro found himself on an open balcony. Before him a garden extended outwards across a wide lawn to creep up a thick stone wall, topped with iron spikes. Hudges formed shaded pathways, overhung with flowers he did recognize in colors of gold and red. At its center a massive lemon tree shaded a courtyard. At this distance he saw Noemi, sitting on a bench there in the shade of the branches. Attending to her was a young women, dressed in family’s colors, her dress patterned in red and white. A stiff warm breeze brought the scent of the garden towards him. Instead of going down the stairs in front of them, Evenrel turned away to head along the balcony.

“Wait, I can see Noemi.” Evenrel did not, instead continued forward five paces before stopping.

“You are to accompany me to the East Wing to attend Madam.” Lauro glanced at the man’s back, then looked back to the garden. She was maybe a hundred feet away, now sipping at something while her attendant fawned over a bush covered in pale pink buds.

“Are you daft? I mean you are, clearly, but she is right there. You’re not so rigid that you can’t simply change your course?” Lauro stepped down the first step, and Evenrel turned to look at him. His eyes studied Lauro’s movements, evaluating something. Was what passed for a mind trying to work out whether he not he was attempting to escape? With another step Lauro proceeded cautiously down the wide staircase, fingertips trailing along the railing. Worked into the wood a texture of leaves, ending in a bloom, the entire thing making him think of a great floral snake. When he was not tackled from behind Lauro decided that Evenrel’s evaluation had chosen that he was not attempting to escape.

>>8667507
it's okay

>>8668637
What about it needs improvement?

Is this edgy piece of shit an edgy piece of shit?

A coffee pot caked brown on a counter top
Greasy with bacon fat spittle.
The calendar on the wall hasn’t been turned.
The whole place is quiet like a restaurant
When a waiter drops a plate.
On the floor a man lies face up,
Flies cling to his bloody nostrils
And take off as the corpse
Lets out a stinking fart.
Nothing unusual about this one.
Sleeping pills scattered;
Gravestones in his congealed blood.
We rub Vick’s on sweaty upper lips.
Our eyes water from it
But without it you’d puke.

>>8668679
yeah it's edgy

>>8667492
It's kind of awkward. Embarrassment was on her head? Ouch, she proclaimed? That doesn't sound like a proclamation. Shelfing? Potion's?

Too many errors too soon, you need practice

>>8667507
>brightly
avoid adjectives. I know what you're thinkign... "What? But they're a basic part of language!!!"

well maybe but ... ya avoid them... that's what I say

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I would be really grateful for any feedback. I hope it doesn't seem clueless

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>>8669987

Excerpt from a short story about a man masturbating to a pomo sculpture.

He saw the sculpture as it was. Wooden, awkward with polished curves. The striations in the grain served as irrigation lines drawing eyes across the sloping land of the piece. Henry Moore saw the goddess couched in luxury and carved into the universe this one warped vision. Plaster, as whet as its vision, formed the breasts(?) of this dionysian form. The way the sun glances off of it overwhelms. O form! O form! How can I pass through the veil and touch you! Soft touch of sloping, and breathing hard, hard breaths. Like that of a runner each step puffing out that locomotive chug. Breath, breath,breathbreathbreabrebrebreeethe until the dash is over. He stood panting at the thought.
The room was empty now, and that could be because of his face, or it could be near closing time. He dared to run his hand across it and it felt primordial.

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>>8669991

Poetry okay?
Also, could you tell me what to do better beyond just saying is "edgy" or "trash"

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>>8670024

>>8670024
post it and I will give you a detailed analysis

>>8669719
In that case removing brightly really breaks the flow of he sentence, but I see what you're saying.

>>8670049
I think that there's always a smooth way to express yourself, even if it means you have to rejigger the whole sentence or the whole paragraph.

>>8670054
I mean adjectives aren't inherently bad. Overuse of adjectives is.

>>8669715
Did you at least... understand what was going on?
Prose wise, how was it? And the Flow?

Thanks for the Critiques by the way, appreciate it.

http://pastebin.com/0ZTAWarV

Wrote a thing. Been trying to do more "nose-to-the-grindstone" writing, so most of this was just off the top of my head, piecing together ideas from all sorts of different places. Mostly want to know if it reads well, the imagery isn't too thin or too thick, that sort of thing.

>>8669594
But is it shit?

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just wrote this, legit considering suicide rn

>>8670028
it's fine, but no one reads poetry like this.

>>8671760
Fair and valid. Thanks for reading it!

>>8671742
Please dont kill yourself. There's so much fun things to do in the world. There are so many people just waiting for an opportunity to love you

>>8672136
a 4chan literature critique thread is probably not the best place to debate this but i do disagree that there are people out there waiting for an opportunity to love

>>8672527
Perhaps waiting for a reason to love you?

>>8671027
What's the difference?

>>8670462
The errors made me not want to read it. I bet you have the other stuff sorted out, though. Just read Strunk and White for a minute, that'll sort you out.

Plotinus couldn't even spell, so don't worry to much. Just practice.

>>8672527
On what grounds could you make this statement?

>>8672594
well, yeah. i can agree with this, but i'm not sure i personally can give someone that reason. and beyond that, i'm not sure how i can add value to the world as a whole

>>8672653
life experience? not to sound mope-y, but i can't imagine there being people out there wanting to love me with how the only people who care about me now are my family

>>8672716
I mean that there are plenty of people looking to love others, not you specifically, but also not specifically not you

>>8666037
you should probably throw a CONTINUOUS in there somewhere unless these shots are different days.