/vent/ general

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I have lost complacency in my image; I look in the mirror some days and see myself transparently and empty, when others like my mother and my sister say me: What is wrong? I can only whimper bashfully that I am alright. I am a person of principle and have weaved ideas into others that I do not faithfully believe in and to ruin that image that they've known me by for my entire life is something I do not wish to do.

>>8659112
complacency? you want to change? are you considering gender fluidity and arent't sure how to break it to your family? or are you just confused? if it's the first, i'm sure they'll be cool - just bring it up. if it's the latter, do not seek self-knowledge; hit the gym, clear your mind, and boost your test.

prose was 4/10

>>8659125
My family is Catholic and I hate having these thoughts about wanting to be feminine.

Thank you for the 4/10 score, I don't write.

>>8659060
Heat is a p good movie

Could've done without the Waingro serial killer subplot tho

>>8659135
why do you think you want to be feminine?

>>8659137
what waingro serial killer sub plot?

I'm surrounded by love and affection, but I feel lonely. My friends were distant today and I can't help feeling isolated from everyone else. I hear whispers and instantly think it's about me. I think people make fun of me when i'm not around, which leads me to spend most of my time studying to one-up them, but my grades aren't where I want them to be. I feel as though I have been given every opportunity to succeed but i'm still at risk of being a failure. I always feel as if I could be working harder.

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I had a weird moment today where I went outside for the first time in a while to go the grocery store, and when I went to say thank you to cashier I just started speaking gibberish and garbling words and had to cover my mouth and walk out. Then I realized that it was my first time speaking out loud to anyone for the first time in close to half a year.

>>8659141
I've always been 'off' about masculinity and the whole idea of it all.

>>8659060
Would I corrective rape my waifu?

>>8659156
>>>/tumblr/

>>8659169
I already said I am of principle and I have never in my life been a liberal or a SJW

>>8659147
you are thinking about yourself too much, part of which is common social anxiety; the other part is a more general anxiety toward the future - it sounds like you have started the rat race. i'd say, in terms of the social anxiety, just ask yourself, "what would a normal person do in this circumstance? why should i be embarassed or worried to do something any other person would do?" the same questions can apply even if you're not there; it's perfectly reasonable, even natural and positive, to care what other people think about you, but you're over thinking it. that larger feeling of anxiety can only be treated by neutering your ambition or committing to working as hard as you can at all times.

your prose is repetitive, and like i said, focused on "i" and "me."

>>8659169
masculinization is docilization and the gateway to cuckdom

>>8659156
what do you not like about masculinity? have you considered you may have a hormone imbalance?

>>8659176
How you came to this conclusion, is astonishing.

>>8659173
Thanks

>>8659179
yes goy, don't worry your pretty little head, nothing to see there....

>>8659155
how do you get food? if that's real, i'm sure you've noticed you're a hermit, but it sounds like your more immediate problem was speaking to someone else. start by singing in the shower, then singing while walking with headphones, then singing at people on the street, then you'll be good to go.

nice little twist in your prose; a cute surprise ending. v. nice

>>8659189
Learn to shitpost better by lurking more.

I am in severe need of either a sea change to my sexuality, or some well to wet my mouthbreather's dryness, or a wave of immorality might cause me to do inappropriate things with my daughter in a decade and a third.

Horrible prose but you get the point, and adding cheap use of literary devices makes this more than a blogshit thread.

>>8659144
Don't worry, anon, I always forget about it to, especially when I recommend it to people who would find it abhorrent

> the scene in the hotel room with the underage black hooker
> "you gave me the best fuck of my young life"
> Pacino responds to the call for a detective at the scene
> get the exposition that this isn't the first such cadaver

>>8659199
Since you're stupid, I'll explain it to you. Cis straight women have a personal obligation to maintain masculinity as form of protection/catering unto themselves. They constructed the view that a feminized male is inferior/due to the fact that that male no longer "serviced" them in the the traditional sense. Their most genius move was convincing men that the feminized man was a threat to their masculinity/sexuality, rather than the threat to a woman's that they perceived. As a side note, this is the reason for the extremely violence towards homosexuality and transexuality, particularly towards transwomen. Initiation into masculinity is initiation into servitude to women.

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>>8659203
do you already have a daighter? was she just born and these feelings are starting to boil up? i'd consider seeing a psychiatrist, and getting on meds that will kill your sex life - if you want to keep things status quo, though if you're married that may be hard with no sex drive. first, you have to decide if it's real and not just intrusive thoughts being brought on by some other neurosis or anxiety. if it is, you should do something about it.

prose was trasherino

>>8659213
need to re-watch. dont remember this at all. wait, he roughs her up? yeah, i guess i do remember a little - definitely knew waingo was a sick fuck and not just a loose cannon.

>>8659217
That's a nice tranny conspiracy theory you got there.

>>8659217
this seems like a lot of strangely allocated motivations for just one argument.

>>8659226
She'll be born in December.

It's completely real, her mother is a senior in high school and I don't find her attractive. We began dating when she was in her last year of junior high.

We are married, I already don't really have a conventional sex drive. For example, I don't and have never really masturbated for any other reason than to avoid getting weird dreams.

>>8659249
do you like your wife? raising a kid in your circumstances, barring an unforeseen change in your sexual preferences, seems very dangerous. you could (1) run away, (2) create circumstances that would lead to a separation, (3) tell your wife, (4) do nothing, or (5) a combination of the above.

>>8659266
I do, I just don't really find her attractive outside of how I would find a good-looking man attractive, or find a kitten or infant attractive.

My wife probably knows for obvious reasons, but I'm certainly not running off like an n-word or causing a separation.

There isn't much I can do.

I feel as if I need a philosophy for life and I've turned to stoicism.

Is it antiquated, OP? Should I forget about it and continue on the treadmill of hedonism?

>>8659275
were you abused as a child? will you be able to get some sort of psychiatrical treatment/assistance as your daughter grows up?

>>8659298
it depends on your life stage. how old are you?

>>8659304
I was not beyond one incident that was homosexual anyway.

Getting 'help' usually leads to worse things, like investigation into my marriage. I don't even want to change.

As I found myself making efforts to come off more intelligent than I really I am I remind myself that I have to stay true to the purpose of this message.
I had finally moved out of my parents place at the age of 21, moving into subsidized housing, I found myself surrounded by the elderly and others that I deemed as crazy. The irony of which was not lost on me, after being diagnosed with multiple mental diseases since I was a child anytime a new shrink gives me a new label I do nothing in response other than thinking, "here we go again". After enrolling myself into college, getting accepting and going for a couple weeks I found out I could not go to college and still continue to live in subsidized housing. From there I moved out and found a place to live with 6 other college students, after living there for perhaps a few weeks I decided to drop out of college as it made me feel like my soul was dying. My only passions in life come from things that make me happy as each day so far continually just feels like some form of agony either physically, mentally, or both. I let my homeless friend stay over because he's my friend and fuck the roommates if they have a problem with it, he's my friend. Evaluate me, oh one I hold in both sarcastic and legitimate regard.

>>8659238
>he roughs her up?
He kills her to death

college is killing me. it just feels so aimless, so vague and at the same time so rigid a place. it feels like everything i do is completely pointless and part of an institution which wants contradictory things out of me. should i conform or should i follow the example of the men i'm studying? do people love innovators, just not when they have to deal with them first hand? everything seems so wrong but everyone already seems so caught up in life that they can't do anything about it, despite knowing that something's wrong--worst part is, they feel powerless. there's an almost complete lack of earnestness, goodwill and levelheadedness--and it shows in how much of a ruin the university's building is. but nobody will do anything but bitch about it. and don't even get me started on the politics, jesus christ. i got in hoping it would help my formation as a writer, but so far it seems as much a hydrance as it is an aid. leaving is a shitty thing to do both to myself and others, but i can't take it anymore. the work also feels inhuman; and the worst part is that the teachers understand it's impossible, but are so desperate they won't take something off. the system as it is does more damage than good but nobody is willing to change anything. and well, i'm just a man. i feel so alone already, and if i spoke, even with good intentions, i fear i might become a pariah; i don't want to just blow up either one day out of frustration. so i'm leaving. at least until i can find some stability outside of college i'm not going back to it full-force. i know i've already wasted too much time, and had made the same mistakes over and over, and i'm not what i "should" be as a person, but either that ideal goes, or my life is over, literally.

as for everything else, well my family life is kinda dismal. well, not really. it's my father. he's a drag on everybody. i don't want to be reductive, but i can trace all my problems to him. he's in a shit situation but is completely content to look the other way and drag us down with him. he won't listen to anybody. he won't get a job but will keep wasting money on stupid things. he benefits nobody, not even himself. i mean he's my dad. but it's impossible to live with him. he's given up on life. i've even thought of killing him, like raskolnikov did to the money lender. it's a shit thing to think, i know. but i've tried, i really tried. i tried pleading, i tried screaming, i tried rhethoric, i tried to be patient. nothing. mom pities him too much to throw him out of the house. i can perfectly picture him becoming a hobo.

i need to get a job. of course i don't know how the fuck to do it, but i will do it. but so long as i'm a leech on my mother i will continue to feel guilty whenever i have money around.

at least my love life is fine. because i don't have one.

and the backlog, don't forget the backlog. at least i won't be bored.

and the writing dealio which will be my life is in steady ascent.

4chan posts are so short!

>>8659275
>but I'm certainly not running off like an n-word
*a n-word, anon
Just 'cause it makes the "en" sound doesn't mean it starts with a vowel. Yeah, I fall for it too

>>8659337
An hour is accepted, so an n-word is acceptable

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help I'm on earth and its almost 2017 .

>>8659320
>>8659333
Look into a skilled trade

>>8659320
without knowing your mental history, it'd be hard to say. regarding your current living situation, it's nice of you to let your homeless buddy crash but potentially inconsiderate of your roommates who are enrolled in school. why not just move in with people who aren't students? something tells me you have a poor relationship with your parents, but nevertheless, it may be good to stick close to home. on the other hand, spending some time alone, on a camping or hiking trip might help to clarify your 'passions', give you something you enjoy doing, and grow up a little bit.

writing needs work

>>8659338
"An hour" is acceptable because the first syllable isn't stressed. If it was customary to pronounce the h it would be "a hour."

Nice false dichotomy, anon.

>>8659342
Kill everyone.

>>8659350
>first syllable
both have one syllable and are unstressed.

>>8659308
27.

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>>8659060
I let the fear and paranoia of others eat away what little of myself I had left after losing you all. And now? I am a failure. Just another 'lost cause' of the family, aren't I big sis? Ya, that's probably exactly how you see me now

I tried and tried, but damn me for being too stupid to see the right track. Now I'm scared I fucked it up real bad, and that little piece of the relationship we used to have can't ever be fixed. Maybe with some time and some real hard trekking, I'll be able to make you proud of me again. Maybe.

Just wish you'd go a little easy sometimes sis, cause it seems every step forward I lose something decent with the distance. Hit after hit after fucking hit, and now again-right back in my fucking heart. What's wrong with him? Is it serious? is it deadly? Am I just cursed to feel it again?

Tear it out, crush it, and throw it on the ground just like last time. Maybe this time I might even get lucky and see it coming, so I can have the pleasure of seeing it sink it's sick claws in slow and feed on that pain. Would you forgive me then big sis? Would you see and understand why I can't seem to make any fucking progress?

You're not all I got, but I want you with me. I don't want to lose you in the haze of my own Numb.

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>>8659333
you seem to have mad a rash decision re: school. maybe you took a distinct amount of time off, with an agreement to re-enroll? most of your problems with college seem to be overthinking of shit, maybe you had too much time on your hands, or not enough else going on? what about a frat. everyone can use some deinking and partying. finding a job and all that will just mean new problems most likely. but keep plugging away, try not to think of your dad, he sounds like a shitty guy.

your writing sounds like someone who dropped out of college - don't over intellectualize stuff.

>>8659060
I'm a 25 year-old NEET with no education past high school and declining health. It wouldn't surprise me if I were to drop dead in a year or two.

>>8659360
you are at the stage where you should really have enough life experience and lessons learned where an almost wholly-exhaustive life philosophy shouldn't be necessary. as life philosophies and heuristics give way to individual, subjective and distinct choices, men in their late twenties typically being to climb further up the 'ladder of not caring.' first you learn to not care about something. then you learn to not care about other people caring about something. and so on, you get the picture.

you didnt really tru with your prose, but what i saw i dont remember.

>>8659366
sounds like fear of loss of your sister is causing you to act out - maybe a bout of independence could help, not just you but also your relationship.

prose was best in thread so far

>>8659372
>maybe you took a distinct amount of time off, with an agreement to re-enroll?
i'm actually planning to do something like that. i won't attend classes but will work on some of the stuff i'm not done with.

>what about a frat.
no frats in my coutry.

>finding a job and all that will just mean new problems most likely.
i know, but i really need to leave the nest. at least a bit, to show myself i'm not going to die. otherwise my insecurities will keep growing.

>don't over intellectualize stuff
i'm trying, trust me. my first attempt at posting was less eloquent but a lot more bitchy. expressing yourself satisfactorily and plainly ain't easy.

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>>8659382
there are many ways to be interesting, something i think all people value, regardless of their life expectancy. become an expert in something you enjoy doing - if you dont enjoy doing anything, you will need to boot-strap it. 25 is when adulthood begins, but dont let the anxiety of that overwhelm you. dont live in your daydreams. you only have one life, and yours might ne shorter than others'.

>>8659349
My relationship with my mother is very good. I am still somewhat of a momma's boy.
If I could find a place like my current one that doesn't involve a bunch of kids trying to keep up with trends and follow the system then I suppose I'll be fine.

>>8659060
well for starters i have lost any ability to write or even to think in terms of structured sentences and literary values and revaluations. i've decided to stop reading or a time and turn back to people and the present.

this is because i'm trying to start over after losing a career and custody of my child. i am far away from a traitorous family. i smoke too much weed. i sometimes go to church.

i would like a deeper connection but feel frozen out of the good graces and inner warmth of other people. i'm partly okay with it, but i'd like to rise, quit the weed, rebuild my body through fitness, change habits, and incarnate the values i uphold in my mind.

i also need to let go of the past. does this mean going out to pick up pussy? the PUA revival?

or trying to learn new languages?

or giving up drugs and alcohol and becoming one of those 12 step people. i went to a few meetings when i got here, and felt very drawn to it, despite the creepy cult shit and the hypocritical herd-slave behaviors.

i miss my daughter but she is gone from my life for a few years until my fortunes are restored. do i write her off as lost to a degenerate modern society? go forth and bear sons? save her from a shitty mother?

i think what is wrong with my life is that i have only recently escaped the shadow of true suffering and loss, and I don't know what it is to thrive, prosper, rise - abundance over scarcity.

how does a man march towards 30, and conquer life?

>>8659155
linklater - freeing the human voice

do the exercises slowly, patiently, and if possible stoned or a little tipsy or in some kind of calm, positive state.

you will find how much you have buried inside and how to vibrate out good vibes.

I want to do a million things, but I've resigned myself to knowing that I won't do even half of them in my lifetime. I'm just afraid I won't do even half of that half, or possibly even a quarter. I'm afraid of doing nothing and it causes a great anxiousness to well up in the pit of my stomach. I'll try my best, for it would be quite embarrassing to not try at all.

>>8659407
why not move out of an urban area? for a liitle bit.

>>8659408
it seems like you already know what you need to do. break the routines, rebuild physically, restore yourself mentally and forge on. one thing at a time, of course, but rebuilding physically and working out can be a huge domino that sometimes is easier to push over than you think.

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>>8659417
in your attempts to do some of them, and as you get older, many of those things will lose your interest and the anxiety will fade. take heart in that now, knowing that you can only do what you can do, that you're doing all you can, and that there will not be an infinite number of things down the road.

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>>8659417
Read Stirner.

>>8659419
Like living with a bunch of people out in the country?

>>8659454
i meant by yourself. maybe a shit suggestion given your mental history.

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bedtime

>>8659393
I'm not acting out actually, but that's an alright guess. I have just lost a lot of family in a short period of time-family that I was VERY close to. And..now my fiance is...well I can't say for sure what's wrong, but something's wrong with his liver. I'm just scared... Really fuckin scared.

The whole bit about my sister, well, I've been kind of..fallin in and out of depression these past couple years and making a lot of stupid decisions with money, and not getting myself very far. She keeps trying to help me, and then I end up fucking it up one way or another by squandering the opportunities. Not meaning to, of course, but squandering them nonetheless.

Now, add all this up to the rest of our family save for two individuals being shit and ending up in mental wards or out on the street, and I'm just real scared she going to give up on me completely. So, ya. Just going to try and make this last push, hope it works out, and hopefully make her proud and show her that I DID appreciate all she's done for me, and I DO appreciate every effort she makes. And god help me if I can't be strong enough this time to stand on my own two feet.

People tell me wonderful things about myself. They say I'm intelligent, charming, handsome, funny. They say I have personality, charisma, a unique presence. Some have told me I'm able to float above the crowd, never putting myself in vulnerable positions despite getting electrically close. One guy last Saturday told me he wish he was me. A stranger gave me a hug a week ago. A woman last month told me she wanted to birth me. I've been called a star, a genius, a clown, a special person, a narcissist, an asshole, a sweetheart, a good person, pathetic, and favorite. People whom I don't even like seem to like me. Yet, I don't know what to do, what I'm doing, where I going, who I'm becoming, or anything other than where I am right now. And I'm in Texas.

>>8659498
You're a male pixy girl, congratulations.

>>8659498
You sound like you pay too much attention to how other people see you. This can be healthy, but you need a balance. Right now it feels like you are -only- living for other's expectations of you, and taking very little time to figure out what you enjoy and what expectations you have of yourself.

Balance that out.

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Became disinterested in my crush recently and then I realized again that I'm not actually connected to anybody and that most of my perceived relationships are totally made up in my head.

>>8659520
thank you madame

>>8659502
what's a pixy girl?

I've been thinking about my ex lately and I swear I've got some Kierkegaard-level issues, some serious Jay Gatsby shit. It's been about a year and I'd thought all those feelings had subsided but recently I've been out of drugs and dozens of very specific things have been happening to me that point me towards her. Her favorite book was Lot 49 and now I feel like Oedipaa for how every sign points to her but really its all too uncanny for me to ignore.

I've been feeling a lot more creatively vital lately. I've finally got a hold of the vocabulary, resources, and understanding to create the kind of art I want. Inspiration seems to be around every corner and I can hardly make a trip to the bathroom without stopping to sketch something or write a poem or song. I feel like I'm getting close to some sort of Deleuzian ideal. This really feels like a golden hour when the past year has been cardboard at best.

I had a kind of drug-induced breakdown a few weeks ago in my british lit class. No fun. I'm scared I'll have to see a therapist of some sort. I really miss all the drugs and sometimes thinking clearly is really too scary for me honestly. Its been three weeks clean and I really feel alright most of the time but I feel kind of permanently fucked. I think my brain and body have over-corrected for want of drugs because people still ask me whether I'm on drugs all the time. Apparently my pupils dilate randomly and I gesticulate a little too wildly and make too many non-sequiturs.

>>8659545
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjRQbJPULx4

My boyfriend can't find a job in my country and the girl I'm sleeping with is in love with me and I wish she wasn't. I live in a dirty hotel room and hang about in cafes writing, swigging beer in the streets once I'm done, and sometimes I go visit a massage parlour and get a blowjob from a disadvantaged young Chinese lady. I feel happy but also close to the edge of a very sheer drop that will kill me only if I look down and notice it. Two weeks ago I went up a mountain and looked down at the clouds and one of my friends was crying and the others were all silent with fear and I was scared too; but I also felt like this was what it was supposed to feel like to be alive, and I found myself grinning like a lunatic as I climbed closer and closer to nowhere.

>>8659060
I can't move my life past this stage because I can't decide on a path and I suppose I don't need to decide so much as take action in some form and let my path decide itself organically, but even that has been difficult. I don't necessarily want the career I was pursuing (psych) though I've been chasing it for so long that it's part of my identity. I don't want to be chased away from it because of fear, but at the same time, I don't want to be afraid to let the dream die if it's not ideal for what I want out of life. I don't know what I want out of life anymore. I have obscure goals that can't be reached because they're not well-defined. Though I have an endless supply of creativity and ambition without any direction. I've spent a few months in this state and I'm afraid it may turn into years. I want to stop looking at life as an objective to be completed but nothing else is fulfilling. Nothing is fulfilling.

>>8659060
Oh, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew; or that the everlasting had not fixed his canon 'gainst self slaughter. Oh god. How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world. Fie on't. Fie. 'Tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature possess it merely. My problem, what's going wrong? I'll say: my father's been killed, my mother, stained, and I, with excitements of my reason and my blood, I--I do not know why yet I still can say this thing, my revenge, is left to do, since I have cause, and will, and strength, and means to do it. Please help me: how can I bring myself to kill my murderous uncle?

Everything. I have started and restarted my short story no one will ever read multiple times and can't even find own writing style.

I am a neet and a failure.

>>8659553
"that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures."

>>8659561

>My boyfriend can't find a job in my country and the girl I'm sleeping with is in love with me and I wish she wasn't.

Stop being a bisexual slut.

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Last week a friend of mine mentioned a girl who we'd mutually been antiquated with several years ago. I'd never known they'd even known each other, but apparently they'd been fucking way back. I'd never thought of either of them in that way.

More and more I get the creeping feeling that there's a huge conspiracy going on around me. A conspiracy of sensations, romance, fucking, laughing, of going out, of connecting, of feeling. This huge conspiracy that everyone is involved in, whereas they go about their daily lives completely disconnected from the reality of my own life, where I only get fleeting glimpses of what it means to these people to be human. A conspiracy I have no part in.

The worst part is that it's going on around me all the time. Every minute of every day, people whom barely make up the background of my daily experience are conspiring to live their lives, throwing parties, falling in love, and breaking apart. I see a pretty girl walking down the street, but I don't see her boyfriend, or the guy she's fucking behind his back, or the guy who's heart she's broken. I just see the facade of a person, completely removed from any meaningful context whereas I could gauge them.

What gets to me about this horrible human conspiracy is that it seems orchestrated to exclude me. People I vaguely know throw a party. People I know well go to the party. I'm never invited or even told about it. I didn't loose my virginity till 18, now that I've matured a bit sexually and can look at the world with open eyes, I can see tons of men my age (early twenties) "dating" and fucking highschool girls. While I was in highschool I would have never expected this, I never saw this, yet now plain as day I realize its happening and has happened all over the world, and I can only assume that while I was 15 and jerking off the girls in my class whom I'd never even assumed to be interested in sex (and why would I) where out getting plugged by dudes ten years older than them. Nobodies better at creating a facade than women.

Or I'll be walking down the street and I'll see somebody smile at me. I was fat and ugly as a kid, people (in general) pushed me down and beat on me because I was weaker. Now I'm tall, athletic, etc. and people automatically differ to me with a smile and kindness, and I smile back, but it all seems like an elaborate attempt to lure me into a false security. These strangers don't really care about me. If I went up to every smiling Jane and John and tried to start a conversation about things that interest me they'd be bored to tears. If I let down the mask of politeness I usually hide behind they'd probably hate me. Even when I reach out, try to ask a girl on a date or organize a party, people ignore me. Yet they keep grinning. I can't see a smile without feeling angry anymore. Or disgusted.

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>>8659590
What you're looking for is what's inside you, it's just that you've been trained to look outside. Listen to what you heart tells you is wrong, don't look away, do not reject your history like an adolescent, but cherish it as the necessary steps on your journey. And be patient, you'll be at this for the rest of your life, won't you?

If you find yourself stuck, try something different. If it hasn't changed your perspective somehow, it's probably not different enough.

But most importantly, enjoy yourself. You're an artist.

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>>8659654
Aw shit, wrong quote!

I tend to obsess with everything i discover and start doing, i obsessed on doing art, doing music, doing girls, writing a book, taking pictures etc. but in the end i can't choose one activity that i like the most and give all my energy/time to it and become good at it, after the obsession wears i give equally little attention to all of those and i suck at all of them

I want to jerk my cock. I don't want to jerk my cock.
I find myself most vulnerable to that voracious worm when I am chasing idle thoughts down their dark holes. Beautiful musings, pristine in their naivety, leading me by the hand as I step deeper until I am on the bed of a sea where my dreams lodge in drifts like sunken galleons holding locked rooms containing chests of golden coins stamped with a noble visage.
It is in those depths that the silt swirls around me in clouds. Thick it rises to my thighs when I remember too late what parasite moves through that soft medium.

>>8659649
*acquainted

Also I just generally feel hopeless. I've recently moved back in with my parents, and while my dad's pretty cool, I'm pretty sure my mom has clinical depression or something. She'll often just be silently crying, like while she's driving or cooking dinner there will be tears rolling down her face, but she never says anything about it or does anything about it. I've never heard her say a single positive thing about herself. I love her, but I can't just be an emotional crutch. All I really want is some sort of idealized "real" relationship with my family, we barely even talk to each other and my mom's just so damn sad to be around that when I'm not working mostly I just hide in my room.

I've got a little sister, but I haven't really been around in the last 3 years so I guess we've grown apart. I thought we used to be friends, but last time I left home (for a year straight without seeing my family) she never even bother messaging me on facebook or calling me. Not one single time. I thought I'd come back home and be some kind of cool brother, but right off the bat she made it clear she thinks I'm just some drug addicted looser.

Most people I grew up with are pretty big into the drug scene, and I'm not. Lots of them think I'm a douche too, I think. None of them talk to me any more, or even pretend to be my friends still.

I don't have any friends, actually. I can force myself to be social, and sometimes I'm even charming, but deep down I'm just unable to connect with other people. I've always felt like there was a wall between me and everyone else, and I've always been jealous of how most people seem to be able to fall in love, to make friendships, and experience all those deep meaningful human emotions. I can count three fingers the amount of people I've ever had in my life that I really consider friends, and every time it was fleeting. In my day to day life my only friends are the gym and my math textbooks.

Lately the only thing I can think about is making some money and getting out of my town. If I didn't at least have the hope that things will get better at some point I'd kill myself right now.

>>8659696
Suppose there is a wall between you and everyone else. If you want to be part of the conspiracy so to speak, you're gonna have to climb over that wall.

>>8659534
is is because of a lack in reciprocal interest? oftentimes, the social interactions that form friendships with others in the same age group require both participants to have some degree of the same values or a baseline to fall to. if you don't have old friends where that baseline is inheret in shared experience, maybe it's time to try hanging with a new crew.

>>8659561
keep on. could help to try to become less pre-occupied with sex. well told.

>>8659575
you need to take your mind off it - a sort of long term meditation - pick anything; psych, writing, an avocation and dedicate all your free thought to it. go to the gym. in a month these feelings will have dissapeared and you will have another direction (something that will change itself down the road.)

>>8659311
>tfw anon ignores me

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>>8659060

I'm currently teaching English in Japan. I'm 27, from Denmark and I have a Master's degree in English. I want to write a PhD, but it's ridiculously difficult to get a position in Denmark. I applied to a promising position two months ago, and within the next few days I should have an answer. I'm shitting myself, mostly because I don't have a Plan B. I am not motivated by other jobs, especially since the only realistic alternative is teaching high school. It's fairly cushy, but unsatisfying.

With a PhD I have three years to work towards a tangible goal. Without a PhD, I just work. Nothing else. I'd teach students, they'd graduate, and I'd teach some new students. It seems insufferable.

>>8660556
Will you have to pay for your PhD by yourself? The only folk I know who pursued a PhD in English were the ones who had scholarships, and even then they had to research something like "The Depiction Of Ports In 14th Century Belgian Poetry" or some shit. Good luck m8.

>>8659696
How old are you?

>>8660567

Positions in Denmark are fully funded and not numerous, hence the difficulty in getting a job. Writing the applications is extremely difficult and time consuming. I've tried trice now, and I'm not sure when and if I should just give up.

>>8659060

I am homeless and magically incompetent. I'm better at understanding virtue than at living virtuously. I perpetually betray my better angel.

>>8660567
>>8660573

Let me clarify. If I pay myself I can start a PhD easily, but I can't do that and I don't want to do that.

>>8660556
why don't you pursue phd in another country?

>>8660583

It is an option. I will probably try that if Denmark doesn't work out. I barely even care about what country, I just want to work on something I find meaningful, even if I know that at the end of the day it's a goddamn literature PhD that won't change the world. It would change my world, and that's good enough.

I am filled with regret, hate myself and want to die

>>8660639

What do you regret?

>>8659060
Too much ketamine this last weekend.

A lot of people also seem to like me less the more time they spend with me, seemingly only being "attracted" to the external me rather than the internal me.

The problem is that I don't know what the external me is like or how other people see him, so I can't learn from it, so I could perhaps improve the internal me.

It all feels really alienating.

>>8660652
Drifting aimlessly for the last ten years not knowing who I am, missing out on things, destroying my chances with the woman I love. Embarrassing myself on multiple occasions

>>8659060
I want to pursue a life of meaningless hedonism, pleasure and sensuality. I want to give in to my homosexual desires. But I know that it would destroy me. The thought of settling down with a woman and having children someday horrifies me.

>>8659060

I'm stuck at the end of my novel.

My protag has met some bad people, and it was a miserable experience. Now I want her to meet a good person (because good people are few and far between)... but this part of the story feels less compelling.

The bad people had problems with self loathing. The good person has conquered his self loathing. Self loathing and hating the body you're born in, hating your culture (and hating other cultures even worse), and even the whole idea of being a living creature is the main theme of the novel.

It feels like I'm guilty of doing exactly what I hate to see in other people's novels; preaching to the reader about life and how to live it. It's like I'm reducing my novel to a self-help book.

But I need good people in the story. That's just how life is. You meet bad people and you meet good people. Life is suffering and joy. You got something to say about life, you need a strong anti-thesis so you're not just some coward bashing strawmen. But if I do that, I'm approaching the novel as if it were an ESSAY, which is boring, corny and egotistical as shit.

I suppose I can just do everything I can to avoid "the speech" (you know, where the character just opens their mouth and says what the author wants to say to the reader), but watching a side character have self esteem in spite of themselves and valiantly struggle to make something of their life is some boring shit to read.

>>8659649
There is no conspiracy. People don't write down everything about themselves at wear it on their shirts. Everyone has multiple layers to them, and only very simple people are exactly as they would seem at a glance.

Most of the connections "normal" people experience have always seemed very shallow to me, I don't think you're missing much. No one is unique, so people that you could connect with definitely exist. You're not likely to find them just by sitting around and waiting though. I'd recommend seeking out people with similar interests to you if you're longing for human connection, you have a better chance of finding like-minded people that way.

>>8660875
Your novel sounds simplistic and dull.

>every waking moment is filled with thoughts of death and decay
>I still go to my shitty job because idleness makes them much more intense
>on the other hand, any routine task that other people do just fine, exposes my pathetic and incompetent nature even more so it's just as bad
>I interact with pretty girls on the job all day, obviously I'll never have a single chance of having close relations with any of those beautiful women, ever or anywhere
>I'm working class and poor, therapists and psychoanalysts are something only rich, white people have the privilege of having access to

Captcha: singleton automat

i have a well paying job in my mid 20s and i'm worried it's already too late for me to give it all up and try to be a writer. i have the confidence, but i can't figure out how to justify the leap without proven success. not sure that will come until i devote myself 100% to it. on the other hand, keeping the dream alive saps most of my energy and makes me worse at my job than i would be otherwise, and if i'm going to be a wagecuck, i feel like i might as well make money fast to get it over with.

Everyone has mysteriously stopped talking to or responding to me in any way.

>>8661898
Find a job that doesn't make you miserable and leaves you with at least some time and energy to pursue your writing, then go from there.

>>8661904
I'll talk to you.

>>8661916

yay! Ok, I'm >>8660576

There's a limit to what I can discuss but basically I recently got expelled from college on false pretenses and kicked out of my home on even falser pretenses and now can't find a place to live even though I have money. I just want to read and pursue union with God or whatever, but I'm just going to wind up as a homeless crazy person.

>>8661908
i have that.

>>8661943
Nevermind.

I've asked a girl out, who said yes, but have subsequently given me the "I'm busy" treatment. It has gotten me quite anxious, so I really just want confirmation on whether, she really wants to go out with me or not so I can write her off or continue gettin to know her, since I know from experience, that it's not a good idea to beat around the bush, when you are as neurotic as I am.

The only problem is that she's the only girl, I've ever met who's into some of the same things as I am, so I'm caught between just wanting to move on in whatever direction to calm my mind and the fear of having to disassociate myself with yet another of the few people, I've met in my life, that I can actually relate to, which I've done too much over the last few years.

>>8661943
No family?

>>8661957
Then stop complaining and write senpai. You can only progress by doing it. Don't wait for when you can dedicate yourself 100%, it's never gonna happen.

>>8661982

None helpful

>>8661989
i am. i am. i just am worried i wont get any recognition, and that i'm getting too old, and will have to give it up to have a family. need to just sack up and put nose to grindstone.

>>8661980
You're hungry, that's never good. She's 'busy' because you're into her more than she's into you. Find other shit to do. No matter how great you think she is, it means nothing if she's not with you.
>>8661997
Me too, you know the answer so its just a loop in your mind. When you feel that thought coming, get to work. That helps me.

>>8661996
Have you tried to talk to a social worker? I'm not sure how this works though.

>>8662021

Yeah I'm on food assistance for the moment, though they'll probably revoke it because they want me to verify something or they'll take away my food assistance but they won't tell me what it is they want me to verify. Actual welfare takes 6 months to get on, and I'm on medicaire but I don't think that will pay for my hormones.

>>8662027
>I don't think that will pay for my hormones

Why would you want this

>>8662027
>hormones
Well there's why you got kicked out.

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>>8662027

>tfw no destitute trap to take advantage of

>>8659060
Drinking soda, eating greasy food, not exercising and barely writing hasn't turned me into Charles Bukowski so I'mout of ideas.

I'm pretty directionless at the moment. I thought I always wanted to be some sort of educator, but the courses I'm taking in the subjects I want to teach are all average and the courses in education and theory are fairly boring to me. I've currently been trying to find some sort of God or higher power or just an ethics system that I believe it and am having limited success.

Also, I realize that I'm a lot more alone at my college than I thought I would be. I never had much trouble making friends until I realized I have few good ones here. My gf is cute and /lit/, but I constantly worry about much she loves me and how much I lover her. It's very frustrating achieving goals I've had for most of my life (go to a good college, get a gf) and then just be completely underwhelmed with them.

>>8662036

Authenticity and science

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16pA9ZgyEb_TdbuFU352lq1PrL7qIwkFhpTDMkM_KJAY/edit?usp=sharing

The following is the initial paragraphs from a short story I have started writing. I am looking for people’s first impressions: how does this short excerpt make you feel? Is it good, bad, somewhere in-between?

Any thoughts/observations would be helpful as I want these establishing paragraphs to hit like a hammer to anvil. Please do not hold back, I want you to express yourself honestly and with total conviction. I look forward to whatever feedback you people can offer me, thank you.

(I'm assuming this is okay since you said you'd critique our prose)

trying to put myself out there, in college societies and social events so i can stop being a socially retarded virgin, but every conversation i have dies and people seem put off by me, ill probably just give up and go back to bedroom dweller mode

>>8662226
>Desmond Keuleman pretended himself to the cataloguing of scrimshaw sentiments, for he was assigned as curator of poetry under division 50-56-6 (Love). He worked strictly within the adjudicated parameters of which productivity was supposed: walls, furniture, heating and an abject admission of complacency and indignance. Keuleman served as a void of impartiality through a complex sequence of oscillations and geometric gravitations of which he affectionately referred to as his “personality”. He took a quiet pride in his alliance with that of perforated neutrality and this was -perhaps- due to the predisposed enormity of such an agreement. These assertions ensured that Desmond never quite found himself at liberty to have an opinion on here nor there.
In more specific terms: his responsibilities extended to the overseeing of documentation which would be negotiated for public consumption and archival purposes. Once the logistical semantics of such an occupation are ignored, he was left with a simple question of approval/denial: “Is this poem acceptable?” It was an operation that supposed itself as a utilitarian funnel for artistic commodities by which each inflection was carefully deconstructed in the interest of societal progression. Desmond, in all of his dejected apathy, found a featureless comfort in this pallid pursuit. He considered sentimentality to be nothing more than an incidental consequence of probability. Keuleman seemed to negotiate only with the admonitory nestle that numeracy allowed him. To him existence was a congealed necessitation of infinity and not much else. An inevitable sequence: all expected, all irrelevant.

Here's how I would write it on a quick pass:
In his assigned position as curator of poetry under division 50-56-6, Desmond Keuleman always tried to stay within the limits of productivity: walls, furniture, heating and indignance. He affectionately referred to his mood swings in the most scientific way he knew how - as the oscillations and geometric gravitations of his “personality”. This indifference was a source of quiet pride for Keuleman, and ensured that he never quite found himself at liberty to have an opinion on anything.

Specifically, Desmond was politically responsible for the documentation and negotiation of the sorts of poetry that might become available for public consumption. Once the bureaucracy of his occupation was settled, his job was to determine: “Is this poem acceptable?” It was a question that supposed itself a utilitarian sieve for artistic commodities in the interest of societal progress, and Desmond took pride in its authority. He considered sentimentality to be nothing more than an incidental consequence of probability, and negotiated only with the admonitory nestle that numeracy allowed him. To him, existence was a congealed infinity and not much else; an inevitable sequence: all expected, all irrelevant.

>>8662331
do you lift? what kind of music do you listen to? where do you shop?

>>8662374
Appreciate the feedback: what did you think of it?

>>8662453
well if it's the beginning, you need to eeeeease into all them big words. need to also make sure word choice is helping and not hurting clarity; also make sure words aren't forcing you into metaphors you don't mean as a result of their definitions.

i don't really like science fiction, but i got a pretty good idea of the character you meant - sort of like main guy in a brave new world?

has potential. you seem smart. would need to see more to make a decision.

>>8662507
Can you give an example of "make sure words aren't forcing you into metaphors you don't mean as a result of their definitions" I've looked over it several times and cannot pick up on where that might be happening.

As for the comparison to Brave New World I guess that's actually not a bad comparison - I really adore that book so any similarities are coincidental.

I want to scream and cry and laugh all at the same time constantly, I feel that at any given moment I could break, and either start trying to injure everyone around me or fall to the floor mumbling gibberish.

I can't do my new character justice because she's not as interesting as my other characters. She's too dumb, doesn't think she has any problems and is constantly bullied by my cooler characters because she's annoying.
I ended up making another character have problems and have her interact with that character. All my old fears are awakening again, that I won't be able to share my imagination with others and no one is going to like it. I don't even like it. Who am I joking?

>>8659060
To this day I ask myself what went wrong. Was it what I said? Was it what she said? To most on the out looking in it was match made in heaven. Two people who were not-as sociable as their friends who were looking for someone to meet. Same interests, same taste, same everything. Even down to the problems with family. We sat down and chat and had a lovely time, every time. But as the days wore and the nights dragged I noticed something was off. She grew quiet again, more secluded. Some days she just didn't want to talk at all and we sat there in silence. And then suddenly, it stopped. I looked at her and felt the same magic. She looked at me and wanted to hide. (Or so it felt.) I had to ask myself, was it me or was it her? When I approached friends they told me it was her, but everytime I asked myself it was me. "She's just like that." "She's just quiet." "You did nothing wrong." To this day I ask myself what I did wrong. That I do not know. But sometimes I ask myself what I do know.

I know that I felt alive. And I won't forget her for that one reason.

>>8662550
I felt like that during my nervous breakdown.

Hope it gets better mate.

>>8662581
If she's boring change her dumbass. Your imagination is in charge,

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Its all over.

I keep getting diagnosed bipolar and with anxiety.

I tried to go back to University, this will be my third time dropping out and I'm only 19, my parents pushed me to go back and now I have 25k debt and nothing to show for it. They banked all their hopes on me because my family is poor as shit and my thirty something year old brothers, one married, all moved back in, the one with the wife brought the wife, so its seven people in a one bedroom apartment.

I can't kill myself because my parents might follow suite, also they sacrificed a lot to try to give me a good opportunity to "make it".

So now I'm here. Wondering how poorly my professor will think of me after I fail my midterm tomorrow, after he tried making accommodations for my mental conditions. The psychiatrists here won't give me my meds despite me being on them for months, despite other doctors saying I needed them, because they're so self righteous and pretentious. If I ever go off the deep end I'm taking them with me.

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Wrong suggests things could be otherwise. There is nothing wrong.

>>8662914
>be incredibly poor
>have kids anyway
don't be grateful for what little accommodation your parents have provided you, in birthing you at all they did you a monstrous wrong, and to do so without even the means to live well...

>>8662905
Fuck, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I already gave her some characterization but that doesn't have to be the whole story.
I just wish I could do dialogue better. Half the time I don't know if it sounds too unrealistic and the other half I'm not sure if it's even worth having. I had the same exact problem with my other two characters and they turned out amazing. At least to me. I bet if I showed you folks it I would get shit on so I'll protect it even though I posted it online I don't want anyone to see it and I've been lucky so far that only a few actually found it.

>>8662914
OWARI DA WA MOTHERFUCKER
I bought some 'primal calm' supplement to try to lessen my anxiety. Should have just kept popping xanax. It was expensive as shit and I think I just got some sugar pills.

>>8659649
My nigger. I too know the feeling too well, and have spoken to a pshych about it. Fortunately for me, he suggested working out, sleeping when normal people sleep (c. 22:00-06:00) and working on my chores, my studies...
I think the problem was I was so diaconnected with reality, immersing in Internet and books fuckers long dead wrote.
I suggest you go grab a coffee with a friend of yours and disregard your own issues and Ego and listen to them. Watch popular TV shows their watching, try to understand what it is to live like them, and take action. No one invited you to a party? Crash with a six-pack and a tequila and force yourself in, try to give value to their party and you'll be accepted. People accept you bringing value, be it jokes, alcohol, drugs etc.
I hope this helps.

>>8662922

>30 something year old brothers
>Anon is 19

Sounds like an accident to be desu.

>>8663702
Plus, I'd like to share my current situation.
I've been reading what you fuckers wrote and feel a lot of you and even think to myself: "shit, I ain't the only one". Fact is, college is shit. I don't care about it, and see you don't either. I've been forced into it by my parents, and wouldn't wanna dissapoint them. Ontop of that, I'm a Slav living in a Slav country and can't stop romanticizing martyring myself (it's a thing in Slav mentality). I'm weakend by Western culture and language to the point that I sometimes speak my native language as a foreigner would, distegarding the "spirit" of the language and it's grammar. I'm misunderstood partly because of this, and my disconnect with reality certainly didn't help. Okay, it did in some regard.
Girls find me interesting and I don't teally have problems getting my dick wet, but I do have issues with building something meaningful with them (the women)...
I... I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I feel trapped by expectations of my parents, peers and teachers, but want nothing but watch the world burn sometimes as I can't fullfill them.
Oh, yeah. I have an exam (THAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT) in two hours and I'm drinking my third coffee in the cafe, seemingly understurbed by it, even though I'm dying inside, but won't do anything about it
Just

>>8661980
She's prolly as directionless and neurotic as you are. Take initiative, make it seem laidback, and ask her out... Let's say with other friends, for an example: "hey, kathy, haven't heard from you. A couple of friends of mine are going to xyz, wanna come"
>Yea
Cool, meet you at x
>no
Cool, "see ya around" (fuck 'er)

>>8659649
I was also feeling similar, and still do, but I manage it well. Basically, there is a conspiracy, but you are the only conspirator: it is you who conspires, willingly or no, to avoid the typical human experience. There is nothing wrong with this, but you have to be aware of it and be able to slide in and out of normalcy.

I'm lightly touched by aspergers/autism and so have incredible difficulty with understanding others' emotions on an instinctive level, and for a long time I wasn't able to interact properly with people in a way that wouldn't bore to tears, unsettle, or scare.

How I got through it was by making a study of how people work on an emotional level, how they factor emotions into their decision-making processes, and how different peoples' processes interact with one another. Further, I studied interactions between people, especially between myself and others, to understand what constitutes good conversation and what would be considered appropriate in various contexts. What makes people laugh, how can inflection and arbitrary body movements affect people's interpretation of your words, and so on. I really should write a book at some point. But anyway, I decided to start doing this from around the age of 10, and by the age of 19, after innumerable social disasters, I could say I was one of the most entertaining people around with a deep understanding of how relationships and people work.

I "learnt the rules," so to speak. Among those rules are things like this anon >>8663702 has said: oftentimes, familiarity ought to be forced by you, and it makes things easier if you do. People aren't brave, and the ones who are have enough friends already. The social rules are flexible and particularly so with informal parties. As a rule of thumb, if more people than can comfortably fit in a single typical suburban living room are there, then no one will care if you gatecrash, provided there are some people there that you would call your friends.

It is important to be aware of the things that people in general talk about and like. Advanced interests like deep reading must remain your own until you find someone who shares them, but the lack of interest of the majority doesn't prevent you from having a pleasant relationship with them. Talking to people is a skill that you can learn, and commonalities are absolutely unnecessary for a decent conversation.

People are attracted to people who are attractive. This is a fact of life, and if you have the advantage of being attractive now you should exploit it to its fullest extent. Their smiles are as genuine as any you will ever see in normal life. It is true that it is an attempt to lure you into a sense of security. But it is not elaborate, and the security is not false. Don't talk about things that interest you. talk about things that interest them.

Lastly, most attempts at both parties don't work out. Go to the pub with your friends rather.