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I recently wrote a poem one night and I wanted to see what you guys thought of it. Not very talented so any pointers and tips would be appreciated :)
A cold mind
One; that was once filled with warmth, love, and passion. Began to slowly grow dark in a bright ongoing world. The luster of hope and kindness that had once filled these brown eyes, were no longer there, but dark spheres that only serve as lifeless entities. Ears that only heard empty words, lips that spoke silent sentences, and a heart that knew no desire. Faith no longer ruled this heart; instead, with every fleeting beat, only filled this hollow cast with pain and sorrow. This was the heart of a broken soul; a broken soul that spewed forgotten memories of the past, and a cold mind that quietly keeps it moving.
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no takers?
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Search the catalog for the crit or critique thread.
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>>8631423
thanks :)
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>>8631423
This.
But, some quick thoughts: avoid melodrama and expected language. With poetry, it's especially imperative to use language to surprise your readers. Almost every descriptor in this poem is simplistic and generic, and therefore boring. Find more exciting ways to say the things you want to say.
Cheers.
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It's good that you're writing something. I thought it was rubbish though. The punctuation is an oddity that adds little, there is no form, and your vocabulary is tired.
Are you a teenager? Do you have inspirations? Is this a troll?
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