Poetry collaboration

>>8628288
And here it is

I loved and I lost, my compassion the cost-
For the dreams undone, these sins I accost.
Love birthed by lie, yet nurtured by truth,
Rattled by conflict, and murdered by youth.
My love for her unending, this oasis of pain,
Her love hath run dry, once cool desert rain.
Her memory haunting, in my dreams it does keep,
So I face the dilemma; lose mind or lose sleep.
I'm by no means delusional, and know she moved on,
Though in absence of her love, my own hasn't gone.

Dreams my crucible, flaying without cease,
Depriving of solace, or underserved peace.
My decisions alone led to heart being shorn,
I'll admit for a time my emotions were torn,
I bade that she leave when her smiles ran away.
Though when told she would, begged her to stay.
Resorting to anger, at the thought of "without",
Cruel-borne nature could only curse, and shout.
Had I held on my tongue, had I shared my heart
Our love might have held, even if only in part.

It's now been two years, and I'm too tired to tell,
If I dug my own grave, or just died and found hell.
If living, Heavenly Father my soul might you take,
For I hold her in sleep, but anguish when I awake.
Her love like the sun, forever gone without warning,
Dark days have begun, Dear Lord bring good-mourning.

>>8628288
OP, I cam across this thread when you first posted it and decided not to provide feedback. Now, I think that people here are also reluctant to provide feedback and I believe this to be a good think considering folks here usually give very harsh and negative criticism. Keep up the writing!

Your diction is too archaic. I can't take the poem seriously. No-one on earth says "hath" anymore, for God's sake.

>>8628290

I dont know shit about poetry. Here's my thoughts regardless:

Your poem doesn't make me feel anything at all. It's not bad, you clearly have a good grasp of language, themes, imagery.. Yet your poem is lacking something. It also feels very artificial, often times I wonder whether you use a certain word just because you think it is "smarter" or "more poetic" than something simpler. Can't help but get the feeling you're trying to be something you're not and that smth about the writing isn't genuine.

"Dreams my crucible, flaying without cease,
Depriving of solace, or underserved peace."

Is my favorite part of them poem. Some of it is also just a little too much "self insert cringe" for me, like

"My decisions alone led to heart being shorn,
I'll admit for a time my emotions were torn,"

Just seems like something out of a bad pop song.

Hope this helped (actually idgaf)

Have a good one, OP

>>8628335

Yes, also this. It's just unnecessary.

>>8628333
Thanks, I will :]

>>8628335
Lol a fair point, I draw inspiration from old writings more than modern... But you're right, I love the archaic diction.

>>8628358
heheh yeah sorry It's probably a bit short and vague to effectively deliver its message to anybody who isn't directly involved.
and Rofl about the cringe part, it's a fair analysis. The writing is about losing my girlfriend when I was mourning my grandmother, so it gets a little flowery at parts. Thanks for the feedback :)