Paragraph Structure

>>8600664
>For better or for worse, our history is told in stories. And somewhere in the middle of it all, a professor returns from the cusp of death.
That sort of abrupt switch, record scratch, sounds like parody now. Also "a professor"? Who cares about a "professor", and who cares about "a" professor?

>>8600728
It's linked to a novel, of which the professor is the main character. Taken in isolation, I agree that it makes the paragraph sound abrupt, but it makes more sense once put into context.

I was thinking though that the start of the paragraph seemed a bit bulky, or didn't flow well enough. Did you get that sense reading it?

It's "Ithaca". Remove the "For better or for worse".

I think "a professor" is fine, don't know why the anon above me minds it so much.

>>8600664
The paragraph is dense with figurative language and allusion. If that's what you want, go ahead, if you want to write a prose-poem it may be appropriate writing. But you have metaphorical lambs, wolves, hydras, angels, and seas -- in the very first sentence. It is discombobulating and forbidding for a lot of readers.

If you are writing a piece of prose of any length, keep the metaphors, allusion, alliteration, sibilance, and other poetic devices sparingly and in a more germane way. Explore metaphors, rather than throw them around.

>>8600879
I agree with. Also personally I'm not a great fan of allusions

>>8600897
I'm not a published author, and writing is something that OP will get better at the more you do it, like many things.

It's always instructive to look at other authors. Here is a piece of poetic and metaphorical writing from the Lathe Of Heaven by Ursula Le Guin:

>Current-borne, wave-flung, tugged hugely by the whole might of ocean, the jellyfish drifts in the tidal abyss. The light shines through it, and the dark enters it. Borne, flung, tugged from anywhere to anywhere, for in the deep sea there is no compass but nearer and farther, higher and lower, the jellyfish hangs and sways; pulses move slight and quick within it, as the vast diurnal pulses beat in the moondriven sea. Hanging, swaying, pulsing, the most vulnerable and insubstantial creature, it has for its defense the violence and power of the whole ocean, to which it has entrusted its being, its going, and its will.

This is an elevated piece of language which explores one metaphorical thing, the jellyfish, rather than introducing lots of other figures.

OP would also do well to look at Ray Bradbury's more elevated passages in the Martian Chronicles, particularly the part with the tree-planting man.

HP Lovecraft also wrote some purple prose.

>>8600919>>8600664

Also, OP, if you want to keep the wolves and lambs and so on, have a look at the way Homer uses animal metaphors in The Iliad + Odyssey.

>>8600879
As strange as this sounds, it's supposed to be overwhelming with imagery, with the idea of it indeed being a kind of prose-poem. It's aimed specifically at the readers who can recognize where these images come from. For example, hydras and angels come from Paradise Lost. There are specific professors I know who will get a kick out of it, but overall, the main goal of the paragraph is to situate the novel I'm writing within the context of other great stories, each of which appears as a symbol in this paragraph.

Maybe asking for advice goes against on its clunkiness goes the against the very nature of the paragraph--it's certainly not my favourite one, but it's essential to situating my novel within other works of literary fiction.

>tl;dr - I need all the bloated imagery, but presented in a way that, paradoxically, makes it less bloated.

>>8600858
Damn good catch on Ithaca. I can't believe I missed that one.

>>8600728
I should add that this paragraph takes place at the end of a dream. Immediately after the professor sentence, the professor wakes up, since before this he had been murdered. It's a long story (pun intended).

>>8600958
>>8600664

Alright OP, for an exercise I tried rewriting your paragraph into how I would prefer it.


>We are within walls where lambs and wolves cross seas should-to-shoulder, where hydras mark the beginnings, angels the ends. Mediums massage our minds, and Orwellian words conjure thoughts for their dinner.

>A spirit sets sail for Ithica. It arrives, centuries after, in Dublin -- as from a cave on a sinking island, a calamitous army marches. Meanwhile, Sabatons thrash through the rising water, as Scots and Danes drown themselves in tragedy; beyond them floats an enchanter's hat, a coffin drowned in daisies, and a painting of a pallid girl, opening a door.

>For better or worse, our history is told in stories. And, somewhere among these, a professor returns from the brink of dying.

>>8601017
Thanks for your re-write, but a few things bother me about this:

>"are"
It must specifically be "live" to contrast with a prior death.

>shoulder-to-shoulder
seems too lengthy, more cluttered than just "together".

>Ithaca / It arrives
Breaking these up destroys the flow

>calamitous
Sounds too eccentric and exaggerated; the army does not wreak calamity; it's only frightful, which is meant to lead into a question of who is / should be frightened by the army rising from Plato's cave. As well, a sinking island would imply rising waters anyway, and so "rising" waters becomes redundant.

>enchanter's hat
I can't remember, but if you've read Lord of the Rings of The Hobbit, has Gandalf ever been referred to as an enchanter? If so, that might be an interesting replacement for wizard.

>pallid
Again, I don't want to sound too presumptuous in the writing style here, despite the academic audience. Simplicity and simple words should cushion the allegories to some degree.

>brink of dying
I don't want an action for death; in this case, death should be an entity. I do more work throughout the novel to paint death as both a theme and ideal outside the realm of human actions.

Incidentally, I took a look at Bradbury's tree-planting man. It's interesting, but not exactly what I'm looking for with this particular paragraph.

>>8601052
follow your inner voice - but please, avoid using the word 'wizard' when there are many less cliched words with specific connotations: conjurer, necromancer, enchanter, seer, shaman, etc

Lamb-lined foamy wolfen shores, off split-end hydras fall dandruff angels. The muse masseuses mind all mends as Orwell's food for thought make mine a meal. A haughty scribbling goblin sets sail Ithacan-seeming Dublin shores wardly. Led between the wooden planks, it sinks into the inky sea. No Scots, no Danes, no Sabatons there. The only tragedy is fear. Hear mice in the floating wizard's cap, glowworms in the lazy coffin, carpals in the artist's hands, tunnels to locked doors.

In my version, you are the goblin.

>>8601066
That's the kind of writing I'd expect to see from a Marxist on LSD.

>>8601079
>>8601075
*

>>8601079
Are you trying to say it doesn't make sense? Or are you not giving me the time of day?

File: Hamatsa_shaman2.jpg (796KB, 1116x1462px) Image search: [Google]

796KB, 1116x1462px

>>8601052
>>8601071
>calling Gandalf a shaman
>ever
mfw

>>8601086
It doesn't make sense. I like the glowworms imagery though.

>>8601092
I'm insulted.

>>8601098
:(

>>8601107
Lamb-lined foamy wolfen shores, off split-end hydras fall dandruff angels. The muse masseuses mind all mends as Orwell's food for thought make mine a meal. A haughty scribbling goblin sets sail, Ithacan-seeming Dublin shores wardly. Led between the wooden planks, it sinks into the inky sea. No Scots, no Danes, no Sabatons there. The only tragedy is fear. Hear mice in floating wizard caps, glowworms in the lazy coffin, carpals in an artist's hand tunneling under promised land.

This is the best I can do for you given everything.

>>8601139
oh boy

>>8601017
>>8601052
>>8600664 (OP)

Inspired by Gene Wolfe:

>When I look back on this time, I am confined by the nature of certain memories, among whose foreboding walls co-exist lambs and smilodons, crossing illusory seas together, while encompassed by baleful hydras and inscrutable cherubs. And, as I recollect further, a muse strokes my mind, and I sense Orwellian words conjuring my thoughts for their meals without my permission, such is the power of words to act on their own, and become our masters. Now, a spirit sets sail for fabled Ithaca. It arrives, after centuries, in ancient Dublin -- as from a black cavern on a sinking island, hierarchs and armigers march solemnly to an unknown purpose. Meanwhile, the greaves of wraith-like cataphracts thrash through the rising tides, as tragic Scots and Danes drown. Beyond them lies is an occultist's hat, a coffin drowned in lilies, and a painting of pallid girl, opening an oak door. From this realm, a scholar returns from Death.

>>8600857
>didn't flow well enough
Yeah. If it's a dream sequence as experienced, not recalled, it shouldn't read like a list of dream notes. Unless you're using and marking ellipses, there are transitions which, though they don't need to be obvious or logical, need to be there, at least to smoothen things for the reading eye-ear.

Europe's suicide?

>>8600664

the first chunk, two thirds or so, is saying almost nothing. it should contain content, or its prose should be insanely good, and this prose isn't superlative.

the last part is fine, and your version, with the 'it all' idiom, is better prose and has a better beat to it than the shortened edit i saw in one of the responses.