Crit

>>8591311
I stopped reading a little after the twelve sentences used to describe the sun.

>>8591360

Me too. Basically says, "I'm spending so much time on describing the landscape, that you just know there's no substance to this shit."

Get to a fucking story, we know what a goddamn desert is.

>>8591368
oh yeah? whats a desert?

>>8591376
a desert

>>8591311
An ocean wide but an inch deep.

>>8591391
whatchu mean?

>>8591395
He means your work is incredibly overdone without any substance.

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>>8591400
Fuck!

Only one enemy remained; two if you counted God.

The opening line for my WIP.

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Need help deciding which order these should go in. Also need them ripped apart.

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>>8591450

>>8591448
that's edgy as fuck yo ouch

>>8591454
the brotherhood bit at the end was a fuckup from the texttoimage placeholder shit getting left in but it's whatever

>>8591450
On the first paragraph. Like it so far. Good descriptions. My immediate thoughts are that should keep a narrative distance. I think lines like, "He fell from a great height," and "years from sexual awakening" detract some how.

>>8591450
Don't look at this for a month and then go back and critique it. This reminds me a lot of how I used to write. What needs fixing in your writing comes from experience and distancing yourself from your work.

>>8591483
Thanks.

>>8591311
Starts off strong. Some minor stuff I would fix, but I don't feel like going into detail. And ultimately it may just be personal preference. I would break up some of your lengthy sentences into smaller sentences that essentially say the same thing. It's fine to do sometimes, but there are times where you are alternating between action description then action and back to description again that just makes it feel like a bit of a slurry.

Some paragraph breaks would also better clue the reader into what is going on. Right at "Two lizards" being the most obvious point.

It starts very vivid, but at some point later the description becomes a bit muddled. What is the "head of the system"? Is it the sun? Some organ? This is just the most obvious to point out to me, but overall I just feel like the descriptions could be more precise without sacrificing the tone you are going for. Figuring out how to do this is on you though.

I like it though. I'd like to see where you go with it and I think it has potential. What are you going for overall?

Exposition, criticism, appreciation, is work for second rate minds.

>>8591579
not sure.
thanks for the help b

In Jerusalunacy the Word was writ, swept the bohemians off the world’s caravan, so did their porcelain crucibles break to its mention. And when it fell, you swear you saw the voiceless rain lift ship, yet here we were burnt, well roasted in exotic spices of the Orient. A fire is fanned by the onlay of wailers here, authorities there in the sky, hook in cheek with questions. In Jerusalunacy the world is twenty seven less, now I am a star of the North or a rainbow or the bullet light. A blood penny for peach and embroidered paradise, strap it to my waist, let me preach the Word like I am rabid. In Jerusalunacy they ran, some were dead petrified, some were plain dead. The Words were correct, no chance they mistook. Oh, they ran. The storefront showcase heard and vaporized, the mannequins most certainly did and charred, disfigured beautiful in the name of Jerusalem. The wallpaper blew out its cherries, the knobs popped out of their pressure-cooked rooms. I believe the doors heard it too, the debris loved it so much they wanted to share my symphony next door. Yes, all I ever did was music, but nothing as breathtaking as Jerusalem.

>>8591450
It goes from amusing and cute to weird and a bit forced. Try to keep what you have in the first two paragraphs.

part of a short story im writing. any criticism welcome.

http://pastebin.com/8JPt7F6r

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Ignore handwriting if possible

>>8592251
This is pretty solid. That said it doesn't convey what I assume would be the feeling of the chapter. It assumes that the reader is familiar with Panama and its characteristics, and leaves the reader with a vague idea of what you meant, but no real confirmation that -that- is what you actually meant

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Whelp, I'm never gonna improve if I don't try...

An amateur here, don't be afraid to tear apart my work.

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>>8592636
Second part, again just tear it to shreds. It's for my own good.

>>8591311
Way too self-aware, infinitely pretentious

>>8591450
Narration is good, flows well, but your descriptions are weak

>>8591659
Now this is good

Posted in last thread, hoping to get a bit more feedback:

But it's the humid dazzle of city lights, the cherry-painted sky, those amber snatches of memory that stand out most of all. Four years old and already I yearned for the nocturnal romances of the metropolis; the naive mirage of stone cathedrals, purple mosaics and Persian rugs. At the utmost core of every city there hides the impalpable idyll of limpid love. It takes more than a simple sentimentalist to find it. You have to be a yearner, a liar, a charmer, and a thief, you have to be as human as it is humanly possible; a complex interweaving of contradictions; a pristine scoundrel, a filthy man-of-the-world, that's it, fellatio at the Schumann concerto! You know, the ascetic sensualist. The impotent colonialist. The sexually charged Tibetan mantras. The nun's sweaty hand when she shakes yours. If chastity is a sin, an incapacity for aesthetic recognition is one as well. Be a good Baudelaire, dammit all, "les sons et les parfums tournent dans l'air du soir, Valse mélancolique et langoureux vertige!". O, to shy away from days of indolence!

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>>8593198
>Humid dazzle
>cherry sky
>amber memory
>nocturnal romance
>naive cathedrals
>pristine scoundrel
>nun's sweaty hand
>all that ranting

Translator here
>>8592372
>I thought I heard your voice, and I immediately looked up at the nearly empty café. But it wasn't you, just a stranger to her boyfriend, who looked just as cowed I still felt when responding to the condescending correction of such a woman. It made me freeze in my place almost like a gunshot would, leaving me like an emotionally fragile deer in the headlights. Then I'd scurry to fix my mistake[sic] after a submissive apology, even if I had no idea what I was doing wrong, even if it was your fault. If you wanted

>>8592639
This reads like it could be the flavour text copy at the start of a Warhammer 40K codex, like it really really reads like that, right down to the cliché military dialogue.

Stylistically maybe drop the "..." that you really overuse. Also you have one sentence (1st page, starting 'The dropship lingered') that has like seven clauses, and includes two colons, a semi-colon, and three commas. It could easily be four separate sentences.

Some of the phrasing - i'm thinking of '[he] inhaled the daily whiff of war' - read kind of odd. Other images - like 'Sweltering sin' and 'grinned satisfaction' and 'blooming fresh rainbow' and 'breath creeping low paces - don't make a lot of sense, but I get that you were trying to push the syntax a bit.

Stuff I liked is the scene setting, world building stuff, and the introduction of character detail. And it's true the dialogue is kind of cliché, but it's solid and wouldn't feel out of place in the cutscene of a video game or something.

>>8591311

Is this a joke?

>>8591448
Holy . . .

>>8592636

>that's a big girl
>for you...

holy shit i'm fucking dying 10/10

http://pastebin.com/8sxUrWBP

Come with me, to a land....OF FANTASY

>>8591311
last couple of paragraphs are funny. First two are too boring so i just skipped reading them.

As the porous bones of an aging Atlas seethed with grim foretelling, so the adorned marble floor also breathed a rich, bitter smoke. Beneath these bored, milk white, slabs of stone, the man of bondage worked, oozing sweat and penance from his pores, encasing his body with repent. In through the oaken archway, gilded with pewter and bronze, the initiate took the first step of the ceremonial procession. With softly leathered sandals his steps hardly disturbed the lulling fog, and made no sound on the living, breathing marble. Smoke crept up his body and captured his sense. Nostrils flared, lungs thundered, blood set fire, nerves cracked and shuddered as fall leaves in a brush fire, and the gazed through a prism. The bones of Atlas had breathed life into their mender.

>first line of my WiP

tear me apart senpai

http://pastebin.com/Khe734hW

>>8593520
I take it back senpai, I am a useless hack. I've revised it so much I started missing the patently fucking obvious shit.

>>8593520
read the first couple paragraphs and then skipped to the last part. seemed pretty gud to me. Probably would have read the whole thing but I'm burnt out on apocalyptic fiction right now desu.

>>8593520

>My binoculars peered over the ditch and traced back and forth on my designated piece of the walls.

You peer at something, not on it.

>>8591448
That's pretty damn neat

>>8593562
That's fair, but there's a lot of that, since that's just how people talk in the south where I live and where the story take place. Should I make the grammar more proper or keep it as the POV character would say?

Is writing a period piece in seventeenth-century (I know M&D is 18th) English still feasible or has Mason & Dixon claimed that space forever?

>>8591448
Is this an excerpt from "Edglelord: The World's Last Edge" ???

There are white dendrites in the day old coffee dregs and light which comes in slivers through the blinds of our apartment.
There are voices and shadows passing every five or ten minutes on the concrete walkway outside the windows, our neighbors, mostly students, or the few who aren't students that sell drugs on the steps.
Cheap weed and pills that do nothing but tangle your thoughts into ugly shapes. I have learned this the hard way.
Trish is in the living room crying just loudly enough to be heard by everyone. She cries like a mother, like a middle aged woman whose life is broken, even though she is only nineteen.
But she is still beautiful, she has hair like Marilyn Monroe and a sweet little ass, and she has deep purple bruises around he eyes, which are blue. Not because anyone has hurt her, but because Trish doesn't sleep.
Jacob is walking up and down the fake wood hallway, telling everyone to get their shit together, David get your shit together, pounding on doors, Andrew get your shit together. Perry get your shit together.
He stops every now and then to punch the stucco wall and shout fuck.
Phillip is already in the kitchen, making coffee and scrambled eggs and toast for everyone.
Phillip, who has a plastic face and an automatic rifle that he leans in the corner, who sits with his automatic rifle in his lap while we are watching TV, and who only lives here because he is Trish's best friend.
Phillip, who speaks french and italian and spanish even though he has never gone to college and has no job. Always a smile on his round, shiny face. Even now.
Jacob pauses at my door, pounds three times and says I better get my ass up because we are leaving in twenty minutes. Get your knife and something to cover your face, he says, and come get some fucking breakfast.

>>8593572

Whichever will give you more consistency, but if it were me I'd keep the narration proper and accentuate the dialect in the dialogue

>>8593580
Thanks Anon.

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>>8592636
>>8593439

Here;s mine, I would appreciate any thoughts on it.
http://pastebin.com/8hSnVW1e
>>8593577
"dendrites" and "sweet little ass" seem out of context and don't match the tone of the rest of the passage. I liked "She cries like a mother..." and the fluid insertion of "get your shit together". I would use something other than a comma after "windows", in the context of the list that follows the comma's function becomes confused in the sentence. Overall, some good parts, I like the characterization of the other characters but the narrator's voice lacks cohesiveness.
>>8593198
I quite like this, as long as your narrator is meant to come off as ridiculous. His melodramatic and grandiose perception of the world is quite entertaining. A lot of thought in this nature might get tedious, so I would hope there was quite a bit of dialogue to break it up. Interactions between this person and any normal sane human being would no doubt be entertaining.

>>8593686
This is really too short a sample for me to say much. Some of your sentences are a little long winded for my taste but give it a little more meat and a little more character and I could see this being a fun little read. I'm interested in seeing where this would go.

>>8593686
I liked it. Really clever. Unlike the other dude, I like the superlong sentences for their affect.

>>8593491
You need to work on dialogue punctuation, cause it seems like you tried to guess it as you went, but I loved it, and threw up the horns more than once while reading.

>>8593491
Fantastic my man

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gimme that critique, boys

>>8593988
>>8593686
>>8593198
>>8591659
Tough love, fellas: If you can't (or refuse to) write like someone living in the past century, don't be surprised if nothing you write ever sees the light of print. Anachronism is a nasty trap to fall into. Stuff like this is already dead on the page.

>hop and roll and bounce and jitterbug and fly and torpedo
Calm the fuck down.

I liked the second paragraph

>>8591311
Remove most of these long and fancy adjectives and this is fine. I would also retract a lot of this elaborate language overall, there's a point where it makes the tone sound over-the-top and pretentious.

I don't completely agree with the people saying your descriptions are way too long, but I would try to condense it and make it more compact. It's much more powerful that way. Kafka does it incredibly well, read some of his stories for inspiration.

It was an overpoweringly hot day, one of the last days of the late summer. Meterologicans had said that it was the hottest September day since they started taking the temperature of them. And the city was alive with people. The bustling cafés were full from when they opened in the morning to the late night, enjoying the unending flow of customers, the upper class businessmen eating their breakfast and leaving for some meeting as the directionless bohemians and artists dropped in and gazed at the crowd untill it became to crowded around the lunch rush. The brief few hours of relative quiet in the early afternoon, before the first people sat down and ordered their drinks. And then a chaotic night for the waitresses, and a pleasant evening for the happy young customers.

First paragraph of a story.

>>8594286
I should carry this over and give an important tip... it's not necessarily the semantics and verbosity of the content of in your story, it's the time it takes you to say it. When you're writing, time and rhythm matters a lot more than people realize. Say exactly what you're saying currently, but choose words precisely and in context so that there's a decent pace to it. This is why I mention Kafka -- he did this perfectly and there's a lot to learn from him.

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peep my prologue

>>8594316
Here's how I would rewrite it:

The day was hotter than an Orc's taint on a forced march in the volcano lands of dragonpeak. There were a god damn shit ton of people everywhere, it was fucking insane. I mean like, everywhere was butts to nuts. The taverns were full of chodes at every god damn hour, and the mead flowed like a fucking river. Paladins and warriors ate mutton and slapped the asses of the serving wenches, and the filthy bog-slaves drank their scummy toilet water before running back off to the pain mines. Then an evening of poundings for the bone-hungry sluts, and a misty-jizz filled evening for their happy young customers.

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>>8594373
That's.. something. I'm not sure if I'm happy with this kind of criticism desu

>>8594386
How about you show a little gratitude. I'm sure he worked very hard on that.

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Made some aggressive cuts and revisions.

Thanks to everyone who has helped with this story before.

>>8594368
Unfortunately it reads very sloppily. Stories don't always start at the beginning and to go on about it in a prologue is a little silly.

>>8594368
I like it, just unitalicize "the" and "really"

be careful not to overuse italics, it comes off pretentious

would read more

>>8594373

made me laugh, 10/10

>>8594422
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

>>8594013
don't know if that's from the middle of your piece or what, but definitely don't start with dialogue. it works in film, not text.

>>8594468
its not the beginning

>>8593358
You're not giving me a coherent critique here

>>8594422
Good some quality. I did not enjoy the umbrellas. I think 'Frankness that would have been heartbreaking' is poor.

>>8594803
Thanks. I was actually thinking of cutting or reworking those two parts. I'll get to work on them

>>8594438
Well, its a kids novel. If it was for adults id definitely agree, but

>>8594453
thanks

>>8594368
Yikes anon this is really bad. Find a way to work the second half of that into the first chapter and ax the bs about beginnings. Don't try to be quirky and self-aware, it just comes off as shallow. If that was the first thing I read in a book, I would put it down.

>>8595401
>Don't try to be quirky and self-aware

its called ironic post-post-modernism

>>8595829
It's called teenagers are your target audience

>>8595851
thanks dank because that is my target audience

I could post some of my work that is aimed at a more 'mature' audience but I stopped working on one book after my agent failed me and the other is barely underway and has kinda taken a backseat

>>8595863
Well shit man, carry on. Best of luck to you.

>>8595905
thanks, my dude

pretty bored so just starting writing a little short story, thoughts on it so far?

My baby is starting to frighten me. The first thing she did was to leave mysterious notes around the house, like on the fridge or on the outside of my bedroom door, for instance. When these notes first started appearing, I assumed it was my wife playing tricks on me, as she often likes to do. She’s certainly one of those prankster types, which I can usually tolerate for the most part, though it can get quite tiresome as I’m sure you can imagine (she once tied me up to the ceiling fan and left me there for two hours, the excessive spinning ultimately resulting in the loss of consciousness and a minor blood clot in my head). But when I first questioned her about the note I found on the dining room table, discovered one morning while everyone else was still asleep, she looked at me with absolute confusion. Was she playing me for a fool? I couldn’t help but wonder. I continued to interrogate her, and she continued to deny until I finally conceded. Still, I couldn’t let it go, and she remained a culprit in the back of my mind, as we exchanged suspicious glances throughout the next few days. She laughed at my worrying, I’m sure it was just a silly joke by John or something when he came over for lunch last week, she reassured me. No, that doesn’t make sense. He only moved in last week. This isn’t normal behavior for someone who’s just met you, but people can be strange, can’t they?

A week and a half later, another note appeared. This time on the fridge, crudely attached with a magnet just above our christmas card, still up several months later. When I first discovered it, in the late afternoon, I froze in my tracks, and could not help but to stare at it in stunned silence. It hung there, still and tangible, and seemed to stare back at me for an eternity, taunting me. This moment was suddenly interrupted by an onslaught of crying and screaming from the other room. Hannah. She was about thirteen months old or fourteen months old at this point, and often she would indicate to us that her nap is over by wailing frantically. I quickly rushed over to her room to fix her up, finding her screams intolerable, and after changing her diaper and whatever else the front door opened, my wife greeting me with a hello, how has your day been. I immediately grab her arm and rush her to the kitchen, guiding her attention to the note hanging on the fridge.

>>8594316
few of the sentences sound a bit awkward, especially the second one and the last one with the two ands. overall rewrite it so it seems less disjointed. nothing too special about the setting or anything, so make sure the descriptions don't trail on & the story itself is interesting

>>8593508
some interesting imagery and descriptions, although the language can be a bit excessively ornate in places. I'm interested in reading more because as it stands it's pretty obscure desu.

I'm gonna type this shit out here because fuck you.

-----------

Along the water's edge I wait. A stillness, like that of death, makes even my breathing a whisper on the wind. I am the jaws, the eyes, and the bringer of the end, I am the Alligator.

I run, swiftly, gracefully. The air flows around me as a stream, I am joyous. Now I thirst, and I move down the bank. I am the legs, the eyes, and the river in the grass, I am the Antelope.

From atop a hill, I watch, letting the world fill my senses. I see the river, the flowing giver of life, and arbiter of death. I am the mind, the eyes, and the seer of all, I am the Man.

Now, do I move down the bank, as I watch, as I wait.
Now, do I creep to the shore, as I thirst, as I know.
Now, do I rise from my position, as I bend, as I rush.

As I bow low on the bank, I thrust forward, jaws wide, and I run, spear in hand.

As my jaws pierce and crush my neck, my blood fills my mouth, I feel my spear enter my back, and I feel my antler pierce my chest.

Blood flows to blood.
I'm this moment, I am three.
I am Antelope, I am Alligator, and I am Man.
The blood flows from three to one.

I am stained red with the waters of life, and I carry away those I was before. I am the flow of the world, I am the giver of life, and the arbiter of death, I am the River.

>>8591311
Sasuke's inner smile was wicked as he stroked the bare skin of Naruto's chest. The skin was pale, smooth to the touch. His muscles danced underneath the dark haired boy's fingertips. The blond emitted a whine, the kiss breaking so that Sasuke's eyes met his. Without looking away, he pulled away the final piece of Naruto's clothing: his flimsy boxers. They came off with a loud RIP! The scraps were then tossed to the floor.

Naruto was too stunned as Sasuke forced him back into the kitchen table. Too speechless to cry out as he found himself lying on top of the table. The dessert ingredients had been scattered, some pushed aside as others fell to the floor. His back was stung by the cold chill of ice cream, but as Sasuke's lips descended on him, the chill melted into a shiver of anticipation.

Sasuke's lips trailed kisses around the other boy's abdomen, the tip of his tongue dipping into his navel. His hands tried to make quick work of his remaining clothing, pushing his pants down to his knees. His underwear followed. With his own hard on free, he rubbed himself for a moment before focusing his attention on the blond sprawled before him.

"What have we here?" It was the first time Sasuke had taken notice of the dessert debris on the table. So Naruto had been serious about dessert. The side of his mouth quirked into a half smile as an idea occurred to him. "Ice cream and all the toppings."

Naruto swallowed hard as he saw the lightning outside reflected in Sasuke's eyes. An idea suddenly struck him, too, and he wondered if Sasuke was thinking the same thing. Even as the dark haired boy touched a can of whipped cream beside his head. The blond blushed profusely, his skin tinting from his head to his legs.

'He couldn't be,' he thought. 'He'd never--!'

Always ready to prove him wrong, Sasuke did grab the can of whipped cream. But not before collecting the liquid toppings: chocolate, caramel, butterscotch. Setting them aside, Sasuke reached for the final component. As he leaned over the table, he captured Naruto's lips in a passionate kiss. The blond cupped his face with his hands, returning the kiss with a fervor mirroring the rain pouring outside. Then Sasuke's fingertips finally touched Naruto's skin. The dark haired boy swallowed his sigh of contentment.

>>8591311
Literally stopped somewhere in the first sentence. You need fluff. Poeticism rampant doesn't make compulsive reading. This is really just trying too hard. It's sad because I did read on just to critique, and you have some nice descriptions but it's lost in its own density. Don't be so afraid of telling that you can only show.

>>8596041
Literally stopped at the first sentence. Of fucking course his chest is bare skin.

>from the side the man's visage
>was one of experienced youth
>perhaps a few years older than herself
>maybe even appropriately decorated
>a different tale was told from head on
>a scar snaked from the left brow
>across the naval bridge,
>arriving at the lower right jaw
>the faded eye and damaged skin
>added nearly a decade, perhaps two
>his aura was stoic but also melancholic
>a man whose complete youth was taken
>in exchange for some rich elder's pride

>>8593414
Thanks for the tips man. I've never actually read Warhammer 40k novellas before, so I wouldn't know if that is a favourable comparison or not. I'll do what I can to naturalise the dialogue next time.

Thanks again yo, I'm just starting out on sci-fi so any help is appreciated.

Wow, good to know there's no actual competition here on the least idiotic literature board on the internet.

>>8596313
"Just as I have no reasoned myself into this state" doesn't make sense
Don't use "excavate" twice, it's weird to repeat such an uncommon word so close together
The second paragraph is kind of annoying. You should avoid using so many dashes and commas. The whole thing is a bit too rigid and has too many pauses.

Other than that, pretty good. Just fix the rhythm because its kind of meticulous to read.

>>8596336
yeah, intended to put 'not' rather than no. Still not sure if I personally like that opening regardless, since it feels a bit out of place.

I agree that the second para is too tedious, but meticulous is somewhat the intention. To gave a feeling of unease at being there, a desire to escape which is accompanied by no hope to do so.

muchas gracias para el criticismo!

>>8596008
The way you introduce the premise is a bit too unbelievable. I wouldn't start the story off by explicitly saying that the baby is leaving notes around the house, because that's what you begin to explain in the rest of the story. However, if the story is being told as a kind of recount of events without a linear timeline and the baby leaving notes around the house is just one event that is a part of a series of events, then it's fine.
The part about the ceiling fan is kind of retarded. Unless you're purposely avoiding realism then that whole part in brackets should be taken out.
"She was about thirteen months old or fourteen months old at this point" You should just say "She was about thirteen or fourteen months old at this point" or just "She was about thirteen months old at this point"
"after changing her diaper and whatever else" And whatever else? Vague and weird
Also you switched over to present tense halfway through the second last sentence

Other than that, nice. Flows quite well and is very focused on actions rather than descriptions, which is appropriate. I hope that the rest of the story is about a baby genius that can write and not some lame SPOOKY possessed baby

>>8596341
>I agree that the second para is too tedious, but meticulous is somewhat the intention. To gave a feeling of unease at being there, a desire to escape which is accompanied by no hope to do so.
I did get that feeling, that it's an introspective scene since there's nothing actually happening. It's an appropriate style but if it's too disjointed it's going to come off as schizophrenic

How do I write historical and literary allusions without making them sound awkward and clunky? Can anyone give me some good examples of allusions?

>>8596117
>Taking it seriously

>>8596297
>doesn't post his own

lmao

>>8596008
Your writing is clear, but has grammar problems and reads stiffly. If you focus on imagery a bit more, it might help. Also, there should be a more interesting way to communicate all of this exposition than a monologue.

When in festive room you carve family gobble-bird but shout red face at stupid face brided lady, then surface in crib-room you childgraver delve cotwards with stab hand.

And when time for walkies you find your dog all noose-necked in swingball motion.

Then welcome.

O ye of little face

Welcome.

>>8594373
I fucking died, please write more

>>8596015
Unremarkable

I stared at myself hard in the mirror, I'd been in the bathroom for a long time. I wondered if anyone had noticed. I inspected my features, and couldn't really tell if the bags under my eyes were too dark, if I was too pale or if my eyes were too blood shot. For some reason, I found a saying slip it's way into my mind. One of my mothers favorites, that it "takes all kinds of people to make the world go around." It was amusing, considering the situation, but I didn't laugh. I squeezed the pill bottle in my hand and ran my fingers through my long, dark hair. I shook out a few pills into my palm. It was definitely one too many, but that felt like the perfect amount. I tried to remember when I started popping Xanax just because, but I felt fuzzy. I was missing handfuls of hours from so many days by now that I couldn't be fucked to remember. I swallowed them one by one and could feel the pills sliding down my throat into my empty stomach. I felt myself drop a step lower. I was fine with it, walking down stairs is more convenient than climbing back up, and not climbing stairs in any way is easier than both, so I think I'll head to the ground.

>>8591311
desu this is better than a lot of the stuff I see on here. You do come off as a bit too focussed on trying to sound 'cool' and 'complicated', though. it's a stylistic choice that I wouldn't recommend going after, but if you commit to it and it ends up working.. who knows.

>>8596313
same as above

>>8596008
you need to commit harder to your style. it bounces between being conversational and too wordy. especially for the subject matter, trying to come off as more of an everyman would definitely benefit the material. also, you need to practice writing rising tension. jumping between subtle and harsh imagery is too jarring and the effect is lost on both fronts.

>>8594020
Someone had to say it.

>>8598032
I like this. It's hard to see where you're going with it but it works as exposition. A minor thing you could work on is your rhythm. Try reading it out loud and see where you pause naturally, then change the structure to suit how it sounds rather than how you envision it.

>>8598005
As in boring, or not enough to judge?

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First time posting, be easy on my anus. I know the prose could be a little bit punchier but I guess I'm wondering if there's something inherently wrong with it thematically/stylistically.

>>8598157
At least this isn't overwritten like 75% of the shit around here.
I think this could be pretty good with a little more tightening. How long have you been practicing your writing?

>>8598157
why do you use / (forward slash) as a conjunction? Isn't the English language good enough already with "and", "or", "as well as" and the others?

>>8598173
Thanks. Believe me, earlier versions of this were just as pretentious. Probably because we say 'start with the classics' so that's what beginner writers try to emulate.

Definitely agree with the tightening, appreciate it and now I feel less crazy. I've been writing daily for about four years.

>>8598118
Thanks. I appreciate the criticism a lot. As for where I'm going with it, I'm not entirely sure. I don't have an incredibly cohesive picture in my mind just yet. Most of my writing is similar to this. I'd love to be able to publish a collection of semi auto-biographical vignettes with a sort of loosely interconnected story, but I'm not sure if any publisher would ever bite. Also don't know if I have the talent haha, been writing seriously for a very short time.

>>8598180
I guess because there's a lot of imagery going on in that sentence and it breaks it up better. It sort of flows better in my head when I read it with the slash. A comma or a semicolon wouldn't work the same way, neither would 'and'/'or'. In my opinion.

>>8598217
Well, if you really have only been writing for a short time, you've got a good ear for writing well-balanced prose. Keep writing. Who knows what publishers will buy anyway. Just write for yourself and make it the best you possibly can.

>>8598157
The trope of the beleaguered office worker's grey, sexually frustrated, cubicle-bound life as a metaphor for modern humans' existential condition is really overused by now. I know that you probably didn't have any allegorical intentions when writing this, but I think that the image of the (sorry to get sjw) straight white male office worker lost in the anonymous grid of cubicles gets its imaginative power from the way it's so easily read as a kind of existential drama. That's why these characters are the protagonists of the two great films of the edge-lord canon, Fight Club and The Matrix.

>>8591311
you misspelled "cringe" my friend

>>8598264
Thanks for the critique. I'm more or less aware of the trope, but there's a couple of differences in the writing that I'd hoped would be enough to make it not such a cliche:

- This writing is at the end of the book, rather than the beginning, after the protagonist has had his 'adventure'
- He's embracing the condition rather than rejecting it

So ultimately it's meant to be anti- (that particular idea).

>>8598264
I swear to god this board is so far up it's own ass.
I'm not the guy that wrote that, but there's very little you can gleam about storytelling out of barely half a page. The story could go anywhere.
He needs criticism on style and form. A good writer can take a shit story and make it enjoyable. A bad writer can take the best story and make it unbearable.
So you can take your intellectual deconstruction of three fucking paragraphs and go fuck yourself.

>>8598254
I really appreciate the advice. I've been writing seriously and often for about two and a half months at this point, so hearing that my work has potential means a lot. Thanks a bunch, anon.

>>8598297
get a grip on yourself. that person was totally right

>>8598297
>/lit/ is pretentious
you just don't get it

>>8598032
Lots of grammar errors. For example, your first sentence is a comma splice and you use the wrong "its" at one point. Anyway, it reads clearly but it's too short for any in-depth criticism.

>>8598297
>He needs criticism on style and form
This is generally true, but the guy asked for criticism on the thematic elements. I think that it's fair to offer up a criticism of the office-worker trope in that case.

>>8598157
Your second paragraph is by far the most off-putting. The simile comes off as try-hard and so do the exclamations. Try to make it more subtle, if you have to keep it.

>>8598344
Sure, I can see where you're coming from. This might be a 'kill your darlings' type of scenario. Reading it again I'm not a big fan of the 50 ft. whale thing much either. However, he /is/ making fun of the way that he used to think, so the ridiculousness of the way that that paragraph was written is kind of built in.

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Looking for stylistic feedback. Is this appealing to anyone?

Tell me your thoughts.

http://pastebin.com/ZWFGrbsf

4444 words so far.

>>8598522
You better a have damn good reason this is written in some Frankenstein's monster of early modern English dialect and the present day vocabulary.

>>8598544
It's partly EModE in style because it's a parody.

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It's not finished but I made 1/3 of the total planned story:
http://pastebin.com/WCRMitR7

>>8598509
Visually appealing, reads like chopped worms and faeces.

>>8598569
I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say it just not my thing. But the audience that can appreciate something like this has to be at most a half dozen people on the planet. If you are just writing this for fun, that's cool, but don't expect to ever get published.

Even if Harold Bloom and the nobel committee itself endorsed this as a literary achievement, I wouldn't read it.

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>>8598585
Here is a past version. Better or worse? Or is it just something tonally deeper you have a problem with?

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Trying to get back into writing.

Decided to try and make a story out of what I did yesterday.

Thanks /lit/

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>>8598685
"I woke up" is a terrible way to start a story. And your prose seems way too formal considering you're just writing about taking acid with your roommate.

>>8598032
Check your grammar, man.


So guys the first few paragraphs of my last finished novel:
http://pastebin.com/1m3Q6PAE

>>8598784
I agree, I need another way to start the story besides "I woke up"
My prose always seems formal and I'm not sure how to escape it.

What is your novel about? I'm intrigued, but a little confused.
The repetition of phrases like "arcade is closed" and "please remember" seemed forced. You also describe Yoshimi as "not tall or impressive" twice, which seems unnecessary.

>>8598574
;_; no one read mine...

>>8598846
I got you anon, lemme check it out...

>>8598685
This has got to be the most dry way to convey this information. If your prose always sounds formal and dry, the key to escaping it is to read more.

>>8598574
You could at least bother to format it right and get rid of these weird commas without spaces. Anyway this is very amateurish. It has poor descriptions and lots of grammar issues.

>>8598574
>>8598864
Spelling too. If you want other people to be willing to look over your stuff, you need to at least be willing to read it and edit it yourself.

>>8598574
>>8598846
Sorry anon, but this is just plain bad. Very vague and plain. Consider reading more stories before attempting to write

>>8598685
If you want to sound less formal don't use the word duvet, condolence, obligation. Words like that. If you just write that way naturally then when you go to revise just kind of look out for them and dial it back a bit.

>>8598574
This reads like you read something by someone who has a unique style and are trying to copy it way too much.

>>8598685
>>8598784
>>8598836
>>8598877
This is fucking retarded. The vocabulary is just fine. And if you are going for distant and a bit alienated (which it seems you are) then the tone is fine.

Detail wise, I'd consider combing your first sentences with "...as I was prone to do when..". Really what matter now is where you go with it. The prose is serviceable, but it depends on what happens next. Less sentences that start with "I..." or "we..." and some action or maybe some dialogue. Or just descriptions even.

>>8598889
>>8598875
I only excuse myself by saying english is not my native language.
but I will check the grammar and spelling,yes, that's true.

>>8598893
>english is not my native language
That explains a lot. Maybe try and write in your native language and let a translator worry about making it sound good in English.

>>8598890
(cont.) Also if the trope of waking up bothers you, I would think about maybe starting with the room mate knocking on your door that made you get up then you can go into description about your habit of sleeping in and laying in bed.

>>8598890
>>8598912
Thanks for the feedback and recommendations.
I am shooting for an alienated tone so I'm glad the prose fits that.

I'm going to scrap the "I woke up" and start with something more central to the theme of the story.

>>8598904
is the story itself bad?
I like the concept, and it's supposed to be humorous, dark humour.

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>>8598574
Yeah!! This is DJ Professor K, baby, the master of mayhem you know what I'm sayin' bringing you another /lit/ underground critique broadcast from Pinecone! I'm gonna bust into your head through your cute lil' ears and blow ya mind with my sexy voice and out-of-sight critiques! Those of you prone to nosebleeds should keep those tissues handy, suckas!

Preposition Ratio: 7.51 % [ Dynamic! ]

Zombie Nouns: reduction, injection, oblivion, association, mannerism

Lexical Diversity: 36.81 %

Content Carrying Words: 64.14 %

Personal Vocab Diversity: 53.59 %

Longest Word: circumstances

Dialogue can be delightful if dramatically or comically stylized or artistically blended with descriptive prose; in other words, if it is a feature of style and structure in a given work. If not, then it is nothing but automatic typewriting, formless speeches filling page after page, over which the eye skims like a flying saucer over the Dust Bowl.

>>8598971
what are "zombie nouns"?

>>8599021
Nominalizations. Axing verbs and bringing them back as nouns.

>>8599025
Manner better or you'll get oblived.

>>8598971
What are you using to calculate this?

>>8599032
obliterated?

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>>8598685
Rewrote the intro paragraph entirely

>>8599037
Except "obliteration" is already the noun form for obliterate.

>>8599038
Jesus fuck dude calm down.

>>8599044
I'm freaking the fuck out, anon

>>8599036
A python script I wrote.

How new ARE you?

Just kidding, I know b/c ye asked.

>>8599038
Now, the difference between the two paragraphs is very jarring. You could just start with the second paragraph. Also, your second paragraph still reads in a stale way because you start almost every sentence with "I" "He" or "We." Also "It was a good opportunity to trip since neither of us had any responsibilities in the next few days." is a boring way to say what you are saying. You could reduce it to "my schedule was clear" and say the same thing in 16 fewer words.

>>8599038
Your diary, desu?

>>8599072
Thanks again! Gonna take a break and read some Beckett.

BIBLE

Hello, my name is Twim Tomers, and I am 1 year(s) old.
"Here comes the airplane!"
That's my mom, La Ke$ha. She was gangbanged last night by her manager and some of his friends.
"Here comes the choo-choo train!"
That's my dad, Ronald Hump. He's been homeless for 6 months and La Ke$ha is his 14th wife.

>I have no idea what this is

'We should begin looking for shelter,' the voice told him, 'staying in place wont solve the problems at hand.'

The boy looked down at the front of his tunic, blotched with scarlet and torn in a dozen places. He wanted to scream but instead he spoke.
“What do I do?” He asked this despairingly, his voice barely above a whisper.

'First you need to regain your calm,' the voice said, almost infuriatingly unruffled, 'sit down and take deep breaths until your pulse settles.'

The urge to scream rose once again, and once again the boy fought it down, the back of his throat burning with barely contained fury and self pity.

'Calm down.' The voice told him again, more firmly this time, 'your pulse is still racing.'

Scanning the land around him with something akin to desperation, the boy took in the desolation. Tawny dunes rippled into the distance and above him a faded and pitiless blue sky stretched beyond eternity, not a speck of cloud interrupting its vastness.

The boy sat. The boy waited.

“What now?” He asked sullenly.

'Now we search for shelter. Go west. According to my database there is a salty sea eighty five kilometers away. There will be civilization there.' As the voice gave its cool, calm instructions, the boy felt an almost irresistible compulsion to stare directly to his left. That was west he supposed, where the salty sea was, and civilization.

“What about the underground?”

The voice was harsher now. 'There’s nothing we can do for them. They’re lost. Now let’s go, I shall raise any surviving technology as you walk.'

The boy wasn’t sure what the voice meant by that but he said nothing, just began trudging along, his feet burning as the heat from the sand seeped through his shoes. He looked down at the scarlet on his tunic again and felt a wave of agonized despair rip through him.

'They’re lost. Keep going.' The voice said again, and the boy continued onwards, even as a half dozen small shapes rose and began a leisurely, bobbing journey towards the boy.

“Is that the technology?” The boy asked as the shapes came nearer. They were each roughly the size of a fist, thin metal spines extending from a round central body. They made soft chirping noises every few seconds, to let their fellows know that they were still operational.

'Drones,' the voice said, 'they are useful. They will keep you safe. Walk now, we have a long way to go before we reach the sea.'

The boy said nothing in response, just watched as the drones fanned out around him, keeping a steady perimeter, obeying orders from the voice that he could not hear. Their presence reassured the boy and so he continued, through the sand, heading ever westward.

>>8591376
A place thats hot and dry and conceivably endless.

>>8592383
Yeah, I have to expand on the whole of topics a bit more, especially on the history of the American invasion of Panama in the late eighties. Appreciate the feedback. If you have anything i'll gladly critique.

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I've been reading too much Brett Easton Ellis lately. Should I turn back now while I can?

the man never comes on time. makes the customer wait. that's the first rule of pushing. 'let the fucker wait, he got no other choice!' you don't make friends in this business, you strictly draw the line at 'customer'. yeah, we all know the old Ben who was too kind and sold on credits. he couldn't turn back a suffering sick junkie. but the fucking assholes milked him for everything until a stool pigeon talked, and Ben did three months for that. no, you don't make friends in this business.
so I was waiting there, with fucking 26 dollars in my hand. waiting. that's all I could do at that time.
then the asshole comes, all dressed in black with a smug look on his face which made me wanna smash his skull in. then with the same smug look and with no apologetic tone, the fucker says, sorry Bill, I got held back by pantopon rose. here Bill, he says slyly: dig this, she said she'd rim me for a bag of junk, she begged and begged but I had to get the hell out of there. bitch got no class to her. all in a day's business eh, I say. the fucker hands me a ziplock and takes out the works and my mind lights up and I forget all the previous hassles, previous everything.

so I was in this bar, it was back in Morocco, this fuckin nigger walks up to my table and flips out his circumcised cock and slams it on the table, then with a blank expression on his face, fucker asks me, do you fancy a drink or two? I said fuck you and all merciful Allah. the goat fucker Muhammad pays with his suras, punter got no class to him. I says fuck you and your mutilated dick, take up thy suras and walk and ya should have seen his face, heheheh all red and flushy like hes gonna have a seizure, and then the fucker actually has a seizure and comes back with a sura from Allah which permits him to sodomize anyone he pleases. how fuckin outrageous. i paid my tab and got the hell out of there before the fucker put his temporal lobe seizure moves on me; not me

>>8598509
i like it, tittilating

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>>8591311
>4u
I tried writing a book partially in present tense once. The awkwardness of the tense was unshakable (which was good in my case), but if the tense doesn't play any particular literary role, then I think it's best for you to stick to past.

>request for critique
This might actually be a better idea than creating my own thread. I've been working on a paragraph this morning that doesn't sound right to me. Maybe it's too drawn out, but I do till want to capture all this imagery. Anyway, tell me what sounds off about it to you.

--

We live within these walls where lambs and wolves cross seas together, where hydras mark the beginnings and angels the ends. Mediums massage our minds while Orwellian words make thoughts their dinner. A spirit sets sail for Ithica and arrives centuries after in Dublin, as from a cave on a sinking island, a frightful army marches. Sabatons thrash through the rising water, as Scots and Danes drown themselves in tragedy; beyond them floats a wizard’s hat… a coffin gowned in daisies… a painting of a girl in white, opening a door. For better or for worse, our history is told in stories. And somewhere in the middle of it all, a professor returns from the cusp of death.

>>8591448
>>8591462
Edgy was actually the first word that came to my mind too.

>>8591659
Well done anon, well done.

HOWEVER...

It sounds like literary nonsense. Was this what you were aiming for?

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>>8594373
>grab her by the taint

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Opening to the book I'll never write

Autumn was all around. As fast as it arrived, summer left. Almost in the blink of an eye the leaves had changed into rustique colors, and the world had shifted to yellow. As i stood there, i realized how suddenly change can appear. Even though it is expected, prepared for and totally not out of the ordinary. It depends on a peculiar moment of feeling or action. Not just any kind of moment. A moment with impact. Heat, cold, smell and taste can influence or induce this impact which changes our perception of the current timeline. Like this, by the use of nostalgia, our memory from last year or many years before, our mind reminds us that the season and colour has changed into the next and we are further ahead in time.

I felt this feeling and i thought it might make a nice text. What is wrong with it lyrically ?

>>8600839
makes me feel like I'm watching a french new wave film

Would be grateful for some feedback on however much anyone cares to read of this. It's around 7700 words at the moment, 1 1/2 chapters.

Vague premise:
>The second to the devil, Malphas, returns to the human realm, overwhelmed by the change since his last visit
>Possesses a being until its demise, moves onto the next

http://pastebin.com/pBC6h4hP

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>>8600839
Try this, m80.

The rain spat down in torrents, carried on the end of a harsh wind that sent bouts at a time splashing to the cement. At twenty minutes past noon, though, the storm relaxed its vice just long enough to suspend the city in a cool, misty grey.

Two lovers left a cafe.

In an instant, he made his move--that man who'd taken to hiding himself in the shadows of a nearby alleyway like a patient, stalking animal. His yellow raincoat flapped madly as he bolted toward them, and in the next second he'd drawn a flash of metal.

BANG
BANG
BANG

The world went quiet. From his pocket, he produced an old, worn photograph, dotted by the resuming drops of rain. Below, the pair of bodies lay face-down in pools of rosy water. He crouched, just low enough so that he could grab the woman by her scruff and tilt her head upward. "Shit..." He examined her dead, bulging eyes and the mouth below them that gaped and shut in slowing intervals, like a fish gasping for seawater. He looked again at the photo, squinting this time. Then, he shook his head, lowering hers back down to the asphalt. "Got the wrong people."

>>8600896
>http://pastebin.com/pBC6h4hP
I could copy and paste the whole thing from pastebin if I'd wanted to. I'd suggest only asking for suggestions on excerpts, in case anyone wants to rip you off.

Of, if you want to send off the whole thing, put it in a PDF and edit the security settings so nobody can copy text from it.

>>8591311
I don't understand what this
>which does not have a name
is referring to. I think it might be the comma that makes the meaning obscure.

>>8600917
>Rip me off
Why? I suck don't I?

>>8600963
I think your story's neat. I don't have time to read it though, but I was thinking from your point of view, it would be a better idea to protect your work. You may think it sucks, until someone copies it, publishes it, and makes a killing off of it. Believe it or not, this happened to an acquaintance of mine.

>>8600985
Well thanks in that case, but I'm just a hobbyist, if I can even stretch such a definition to encompass myself.

7k doesn't make much of a story though, and I strongly doubt anyone thinks it's good enough to write another 63,000 words in the "style" of my prose.

Thanks though, I'll keep it in mind. I have another on the go at 39,000 words which I won't upload as flippantly.

>>8594368
too whimsical 4 me personally

>>8596413
jesus... alusions have a purpose. they're not just to make things look pretty. they have to already be in your head, and they have to fit.

>>8598522
what's the point?

>>8598971
fuck you simpsons man, your'e not even a good writer

>>8600907
This sucks even worse than the original, and that's saying something.

http://pastebin.com/raw/zuBki2n6

>>8599449
fine but it's just exposition. Hard to critique a bunch of exposition.

>>8599652
bad

>>8600481
This feels pretty strong to me. I'd be interested in seeing where it's going.

>>8600492
pretty bad

>>8600867
Feels pretty pretentious and it's not very interesting.

>>8600896
Just skimming, but the first few paragraphs feel like pure exposition. Couldn't you work this knowledge in without bombarding the reader with it at the start?

>>8601286
>Couldn't you work this knowledge in without bombarding the reader with it at the start?
Possibly. I preferred the hard scene-setting as I wrote it and through the first couple of edits, given it's rather detached from anything conceivable within what is sensicle to us.

It's a valid point though, perhaps it should be reworked.

War is itself a world different from ours, so different that not even it's dimensions seem recognisable. Men are not men, laws are not laws but the will of an ever present, almost holy ghost who serves war and it alone. Verdandi changes her appearance, surges like a wave, rises like the sea then bends down to loss war's knees like a tan who is the god if his tanate but merely a servant to the Other-Emperors of the east. Her hills and valleys, her caves and crannies become something else, a strategic point, a defensible area or an obstacle in front of the enemy, but never are they something as simple as landforms. The demons of our world are rendered irrelevant in comparison to the terrors of war, and the wonders of our world become demons in times of war.

Yes, I'm writing fantasy. Come at me nigguh

>>8601272

opening simile is a bit strange

>She recognized him when he spoke: “Lucy?"

I'm fairly certain that grammatically, this would mean that she said "Lucy" and not "him"

and then the pacing just begins to feel really off

the introduction of the third male character is confusing

and then there's just a whole bunch of exposition which kinda clashes with the slow pace

needs to be ordered much more clearly - I would suggest re-visiting it in a few weeks and being heartless in your editing

at least the prose is decent

>>8600896
ya this is just world building and plot dumping

you need to have a hook to grab the reader's interest at the beginning

start with characters doing something, with dialog, with action, even with good prose if you're skilled enough - don't start with world building

I skimmed the rest and it would honestly make sense to start with the second chapter than the current first chapter

>>8601352
Thanks for taking the time, man!! By 3rd male, do you mean Karl?

Should I slow the pacing down, or speed it up?

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>>8601243
Proof?

I wasn't there when my mom died, and if I was it wouldn't have made a goddamn difference.

It was a midsummer's eve in New Amsterdam, and the fireflies were blinking indoors and out. Her health had been declining for two years now, and though I should have been starting high school next month, I was washing dishes in a diner to bring home the bread and butter. The pay wasn't good, seeing as I was literally paid in bread and butter, but there's no law saying you have to pay child laborers money, and our landlady Mrs. Finnegan is willing to let us live in the basement of her townhouse in exchange for menial services. Generally most of these tasks were things that involved avoiding traffic, risking the sudden ionization of your colon, or standing on a rickety ladder that no sane person would ever climb if they wanted to keep their vertebrae attached to each other: liking changing the bulbs in the string lights that zig-zagged across the street from tree to shining tree.

I was just coming home from work with my pockets stuffed with toast (I was docked a day's butter for “attitude”) and when I got there she was gone. I thought she was asleep at first. She was lying there, more peaceful than she had been in years, a faint smile on her lips. I had actually sat down at my teletypewriter and started reading my messages before I realized something was off.

My teletypewriter is an old lap model. No colored inks or changeable fonts, just barely wireless, and heavy enough that it could kill a cat if you dropped it on one. There was only one message waiting for me, but it was a weird one. Just three words and my own username, as if I had sent it to myself:

CretinousChronicler connected at 20:45
CC: Go to her

My first thought was that my teletypewriter was fucked. The second was who “her” was. It was at that point I realized that I was a brobdingnagian dipshit and that my mom wasn't hacking and coughing in her sleep.

>>8601331
I have no idea what the fuck you're saying after the first sentence but it's some of the most beautiful goddamn gobbledygook I've ever read.

>>8598278
haha! i never tried to spell the word cringe but maybe you misread it?

Approximately 400 less words; removed the fat.

http://pastebin.com/bP2YgPWa

>>8602177
I'll need to work on flow.

>>8600492
>>8601286
will make more sense if you've read Burroughs and listened to the song 'waiting for the man' by Lou reed

is poetry okay for /crit/ or is it all prose ish

>>8602412
I'd say that the passage is a direct plagiarism of those two in certain instances. Totally unoriginal, perhaps jokingly so.

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>>8602412
Yeah, wow, you made shit. Are you proud? What on Earth could you want from us? Praise? You probably don't understand the depth of Burroughs or the context of Warhol's Velvet Underground, and so, like a dumb child trying to pass off his plagiarized homework, you took from the surface and not from the black water that's behind Reed, Cale, Warhol, and Burroughs's art.

Also, you might like Suicide:

http://youtu.be/Dn7SBQ6X5HU

,';^D

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sTTog2P4XhlGfg22oNJLdkweJLcy96LznRkB0qAtOsI/edit?usp=sharing

This was an exercise for a creative writing class, was really enjoyable to write. english isn't my first language, so grammar is rather hard for me/Still learning. So any critiques/tips are vastly appreciated!

>>8602491
I would post it anon.

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I'm quite bad at writing poetry, so any criticism would be appreciated. Assignment was to write an ekphrastic poem. Pic related.

Tonight the vast sky of the Sahara
Is shrouded in a cloak of winter stars -
A thin haze of them, far beyond our reach,
Like shadowy ghosts of the sky.

In this stark, barren wasteland,
Dunes of sand ripple like the ocean current
Towards the horizon, where the low mountains lie,
Guardians of the African desert.

They are eclipsed by a far greater form,
A curious lion musing behind the still figure
And hovering like a phantom,
Its gentle eyes glowing in the moonlight.

On soft sand, the sleeping gypsy rests,
Body stiff in the agony of exhaustion
Having searched for some unknown treasure,
A holy temple at the desert’s edge.

Her dark skin illuminated by distant moonlight soft,
The jewel of the night; bright Apollo,
And all agleam with colors of the rainbow,
Vibrant as a prophet holding the promise of rapture.

And while she sleeps, her weary soul is glittered with jewels
A sparkling palace with a thousand gleaming mirrors
Where her unknown dreams are veiled
Under the blanket of the sky.

>>8600839
first part was alright, the imagery was good & the abruptness of the second paragraph worked. I don't like how you described the shooting, and I found the ending pretty funny in a deadpan way, if that's what you were going for. the phrase 'colors of rose petals' seems kinda eh.

>>8602553
I would add a more emotional aspect by showing how alone she is the desert or w/e but that's just me

I don't have any other critique. I enjoyed it.

>>8602553
I'll give you a tip if you do so for me: >>8601995

Reading yours over, it's descriptive and atmospheric. Vapid is usually a bad word, but in this case it takes on a positive context. you have an airy, ethereal kind of writing style, inherently soothing and empty of any rhythm that would disturb the atmosphere of sleepiness. I like it. it fits the painting.

That said, the second-to-last paragraph sort of breaks this pattern. it's a bit too "epic" in the imagery department. You need it to be less aesthetically charged and loud

>>8602553

I just wanted to say that although I have a vague familiarity with this image from my youth of seeing art books and looking at art images, I have not seen a reproduction of this relatively-high quality until now (because I never went looking for one). This is a great image, thanks anon.

>>8601995
>>8602580

Sorry I'm not very good at criticism.

Anyways, first sentence grabbed my attention, & implies to me that the narrator is angry over her death. I like the imagery of the fireflies, and the midsummers eve. The second paragraph reads a bit clumsily, though - the third sentence reads weirdly with the 'but' & 'and.' I understand what you're trying to do with the bread/butter, but it needs to be executed better. I did like when you continued it in the next paragraph w/ him being punished by having butter taken away. A couple words don't fit in with the tone like "ionization" and "brobdingnagian dipshit" imo. It's also not really clear what the time setting is, but if you make it more obvious outside this passage it's probably fine. And the last sentence was abrupt and unexpected, which I thought was good, I'm just not sure if the profanity fits (although you know the character better than me, so that's up to you I guess).

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>>8594368
gr8 if John Green is your inspiration.

>>8602626
thank you anon. this is honestly what I needed to hear. I need to go back and re-write this from the bottom up and try to put everything in the right place and scrap the humor. I like my own jokes but they don't belong here

I am literally retarded and autistic as fuck.
I always had this overactive imagination that I wanted to share with people.
So, after finally working up my meager courage I started some shit.
After ten days of working from morning to night, I wrote my own 'world transfer' online web novel up to the end of the first arc.

It was like I was high on heroin just randomly making up shit and running with it.
While I realize now how horrible some early chapters are, at some point it turned into a kind of YA fantasy novel and I fell in love with my own characters

I don't understand your guys writing at all, not that it's bad, its just I don't see the appeal in it at all.
You could say I 'just have bad taste', I'm fine with that, but I'd like to hear what you think of a part of my story.

http://pastebin.com/uXDBEN5e

It's a fantasy, the character in this is having a dream flashback. I use the term 'Pilosa' to refer to his species but he's just a magical druidic anteater that kills people with his tongue, is angry, curious, and can shapeshift into various forms. Most of them are just him molding his body, like he has a 'Form of Man' and he looks like bigfoot with a anteater nose.

There's lots of this shit. I pretty much just lost all hope in myself after looking at the earlier chapters and trying to rewrite them, it's just shit, not entertaining, and meanders everywhere. I rewrote the first chapter just now though and I don't even understand what's wrong with it at all.

I'll give the name if someone wants to read it, I posted it on one of those aggregate sites but I don't want to spam. I got like 300+ views for the first chapter but it just made me cringe looking at it.

Any idea where to go from here? I'm already rewriting the other chapters in my newer dialogue heavy style. I want something that is very evoking, fast-paced, and cinematic. That seems to be how I like doing thing.

It's my first real story and I'm starting to figure out the whole 'planning' thing. It's like I'm more interested in 'what' stories instead of deep feelings but I still want to put feelings in anyways.

I also made up small lists of character abilities to help me write fight scenes, but looking back some of the character motivations don't add up and I missed tons of details in the world building that I just decided on a whim to shoehorn in there.
My favorite story is 'Overlord', which is a japanese light novel where a random businessman gets teleported with his friends awesome guild base and he just acts like a leader and expands his empire.
Heavy character focus. I can't stand more than a paragraph of infodumping unless the character's are decent.

I would say, 'I want to get published by writing my dumb anime fanfiction' but thats not true, it's more like 'I want to write a fantasy story inspired by anime that doesn't have the annoying parts of anime and just the stuff I love about it'.

Maybe I'm just too retarded for this.

>>8591448
lol this was from an ask reddit thread. like 50+ upvotes

The landscape couldn’t bear the sun’s punishment, gave up its facade, and wavered in heat. Ahead, nothing: this far from the world’s center, everything burned away, and only the temperature was real.

“You’re fond of her.”

“More than fond. I think she sees me as a younger sister. I don’t know if I see her that way. As an older sister, I mean. She’s too intense for that, you know? There’s always too much at stake.”

Didymos wasn’t interested in knowing what that meant.

“She always wears face paint.”

“So?”

“Oh. I don’t know, it’s just – it never sat right with me. Why put so much effort into looking just a certain way? And what are you hiding? I can’t picture going around like that all the time, it’d be like wearing a mask, I’d suffocate.” She looked at him in conspiracy. “Sometimes when I see all the makeup, I just want to–” she pushed her hands forward, then out “–scrub it off, or tear it off, like she’s wearing too many layers of clothes and I can’t talk to her face to face.”

“One layer is enough. Two is too much.”

Parreshia grinned. “Yeah, I guess so. Or maybe even I’d prefer no layers. Not literally, you see what I’m saying, but sometimes it feels like you can’t actually ever talk to anyone, like they’re sitting behind their eyes.”

“Alright.”

“But you see what I mean?”

He looked at her silent for a few seconds, made her uncomfortable, then ahead again. “That’s a lot to expect out of someone. Maybe you take what people say too seriously.” And after a moment, “Being attractive isn’t that important. It’s nice, but even a flower can be pretty, if you get me.”

“Sure, I know that. I never said it was.”

He nodded. “There’s a good stopping point up ahead. I always forget about the heat out here. There’s not going to be much shade for a while, until we clear the scrubland.”

“I didn’t say I wanted to stop.”

“So you don’t want to?”

She grunted and readjusted the pack on her shoulders. A hundred yards on he led her off the trail up a gentle incline, patched irregularly with invincible ugly shrubs. Granite stuck out of the earth in all directions, and near the crest one formation was large enough to offer shade. It was still hot there, and sitting still made it more noticeable.

Didymos let his eyelids hang heavy and tugged gently at his right lashes, stretching to ease the irritation. “I have to piss but I’m too lazy to get up.”

>>8602707
same anon here
also this,
http://pastebin.com/0m18bbt2
It's full of those kind of 'ability' attacks that they do a lot in anime but I was pretty proud of how it turned out.
It's kind of useless without all the character buildup I did and a massive backstory for the Aeschyli(squirrel in latin) character who was raised by a mad magic scientist guy. In this fight he sends a creature after here. I'm wondering about the imagery and pacing of the action.

I was wondering if anyone would be able to critique my story on Wattpad? It's the first I've ever written, but I can guarantee you it isn't shit. Maybe a little above shit, but definitely not shit.

HERE IT BE. What you've all been waiting for; oh yes, it's here. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present my revolutionary story. This here ain't no ordinary story, no, because what's contained in these passages is a literary masterpiece. Based on your feedback I have handcrafted a diamond so perfect that the G-d came down himself and stole it.

http://pastebin.com/0U8TSMZR

Influenced by the greats such as: DFW, Pynchon, Harry Bloom, Joice, Arno Schmidt, Obama, John Greene, Charlie Chaplain, Jesus, Satan, Everybody else, and you.

I want to thank my mother but she's dead.

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Is this worth continuing?

>>8602920

Yeah. It's pretty respectable.

>>8602920
Is this a screenplay for an anime?

>>8602930
I'm actually writing your biography.

Work in name

>>8591311
Very purple prose. There's also a load of awkward sentences, a good read through would fix most of them, example
>Gripping the cutting branches
Other than that, I like the immediate subplot, but pacing wise might want to wrap up the intro plot and get some fresh characters into the story unless it's just about him wandering the desert having adventures with his lizard pals.

>>8591450
>>8591454
I like what you're doing so far. I really have no problems with the flow or the phrasing. Everything is presented in a reasonable fashion. Honestly, if you leave it as is and keep building off of it while incorporating the legacy names, or even Max Osborne, and put a bit more mystery onto his death you could have a really good story.

The only issue I can name is that there are a few sentences that read wooden, but a quick read aloud will reveal them and they're all easy fixes.

>>8591659
Some really nice prose but I don't see anyway to build off of this, or, to keep the fire burning. was your goal just a simple Prose Poem? If so mission accomplished.

>>8592251
For having so many dynamic sentences you seemed cursed to build in filler sentences to the prose, All you need to fix are a couple of on-off lines that seem to just be placeholders for a better idea. Reads a bit like weird Nietzsche fiction. Could use some better transitions between first and second paragraphs, or the whole first two paragraphs and how they flow with the rest of the story, they seem flimsy compared to the rest.

>>8592372
>>8593380
Please type out and fix the flow, even translated it reads like sloppy highschool sex. Inexperienced, unfulfilling and hopelessly immature.

>>8592636
>>8592639
You have a good set up here. I would advise you read a few Warhammer 40k books to get better a feel for the pacing of action. Your characterization is really good, nice in joke, Overall way better than most amateur work posted on here, you've got a real feel for the audience you're trying to appeal to and always remember that if you're writing Action Sci-fi it doesn't have to be written masterfully, it just has to get the job done and that's what you're doing now.

Although you should give the work a good read over, a few sentences are wooden, a few others are akward, all of that is easily fixable by reading aloud.

>>8593198
Purple as fuck. I really need more to make a good criticism though, a single paragraph can be misleading to the sum quality of a work.

>>8593491
11/10 lad, greatest single thing I've ever read ever.

>>8593508
>>8593508
Imagery is strong, not much more to go on though, no akward phrasing is a big plus.
tbc

>>8600546
thanks anon

>>8602532
why are you raging?

>>8593520
Really don't recommend POV unless you have a strong voice, and your character is pretty passive. Work on your Third person voice and get your own style figured out and POV is infinitely easier.

I liked the accents on the characters, overall characterization is really strong, dialouge is on point, a few lines are stale, descriptions and syntax is weak, but that can be remedied easily with experience and reading out the text.

>>8593542
A bit of advice, write the entire thing out before even thinking of rewriting anything. When the story is completely you have a much bigger breath of text to reference for events and characters and can construct more fulfilling arcs for the plot and characters when your entire vision is laid out.

>>8593574
Do what you want senpai. You'll find an audience, even if you seem like a shameless rip off. Tell the stories you want to tell.

>>8593577
From experience it takes more than a day for mold to grow in coffee grinds

>Cheap weed and pills * do nothing
>I * learned * the hard way.

Thuggish characters don't speak so complete, they speak plain jane, unless you're going for an educated thug, then have them speak in an outlandishly pretentious way.

Name the rifle, brings more reality to the situation and shows your character knows the game.

>>8593686
This would be so much better if it wasn't so over written. It feels like I'm being told this by my History professor, which is not the type of person who'ld tell a story like this. Your voice has to relate to both the audience and the story.

>>8594013
If this takes place after some serious shit, it's good. If you're doing a cold open. I'd go back to the drawing book. It reads like you had a strong idea and just jotted it down, which is good, but this text doesn't go anywhere.

>>8594368
Wow, huh. Nice YA Fiction anon? Should be titled Chapter 1 to be honest, but this just appeals way to much to 14 year old me.

>>8594422
Umbrella's part needs to be rewritten or cut entirely. Story ahs a nice flow but no strong characters. Might just be because of the short sample provided but no one speaks out to me.

>>8595863
Good luck anon

>>8596008
Too much description not enough tension. You're killing the flow of your story by cramming so many words into it. Needs slower opener too, or a glimpse at normalcy.

>>8596015
Too many words, cut about 70% and you might have some serviceable Swans lyrics.

>>8596041
12/10 A marvel to mankind, would be a 15/10 if Sausge and Hamburto snowballed cum

>>8596227
neat, feels like it's missing something, though.

>>8596297
ayy fuck boy let's get some action going here. You can't be fronting with no chedda snowman.

>>8596313
Please post a second draft instead of this. Literally everything needs to be repaired on this page.

>>8598032
I need more to make a proper criticism, but just off the cuff, fix the grammar and expand.
>>8598157

>>8598157
I really like this as a tiny slice of life. The only thing I don't like is that what you've written is basically Brazil with no embellishment. The best advice I can give is keeping this same recounting type narrative but find something that hasn't been done to death.

>>8598522
Can't really critique something I can hardly read. All I can suggest is you do you. I can't really identify anything 'wrong' but it's not good by that merit alone.

>>8598784
I like the tone, has a nice floating vibe, like you're a ghost observing the scenery. I don't like the sentence towards the start reminding that she's not really there. Just seems uneeded if this is the last few paragraphs of a full book.

>>8598574
Please don't send graphic images of vomit. I have a weak stomach.

>>8599652
Can tell this is one of your first pieces. You're focusing too much on describing the dialogue instead of making the dialogue good. Good dialogue can be understood without a description and 'said'

>>8600481
I like the setup, the descriptions are vivid. But the character's are weak, and you write dialogue like Bendis to compensate for the weak characters.

Question
Repeat Question

Is very tiring to read over and over and works better in movie exposition than in books.

Will do more later.

Ankur's eyes were like two moons on the night sky that was his face, nothing else in the darkness of the dungeon. In that instant, everything seemed to obey to the immensity beyond his damaged looks. Despite the unworldly character of his being, something greater pushed the akanthi in ways unknown to him. Such subtlety, such attention to the hidden corners of the essence.
In that instant the akanthi understood, even if he could not yet comprehend, the leviathan beneath the shallow wave that is Ankur.

I particularly enjoy this small segment. English is not my first language but I think I have enough mastery of it to keep on writing.

>>8603069
>http://pastebin.com/WyQqsi9w
It does a lot of cool tricks with the grammar but I can't figure out if that helps the piece more or not.
These two parts with the imagery in the sentence felt out of match with the very 'realistic, this is how someone would talk and feel' part but I think you were aware of that, 'I see the wet on your face, it’s reflecting off that little sliver of light' and "With that smell of fresh earth on your nose, the feeling of cool filth under hand", and later "edge of frantic fear"
I like how you added them in there though, it did bring a subtle magic to the otherwise realistic type dialogue. More of a style choice than a criticism.
Otherwise, you did the thing that I think you wanted to pretty well.
Personally, I didn't feel the details in the main character's train of thought flowed well with the dialogue but it did a give a mild sense of confusion which helped my interest in the piece.
Good job

>>8591311
Is this thing on? No? Alright, it better be off.

So you think I do it for audience pussy or to feel loved by those dumbshits on twitter, I know. But man, it ain't work like that. I would have stopped long ago, probably with a rope and some soap, like an old pal of mine, I tell you. I do it because I am by nature a scientist, you know, pushing the fuckin' limits. FBI are fucking boyscouts compared to me, I can smell the milk drying on their lips - MK Ultra, fuckin' kiddin me? You gotta go further. Listen to this one:
"Her face was so beautiful it knew nor time nor place. I'd stumble and stutter greeting her, an old woman slyly grinning, or a little girl with a transcendent attitude, my heart would flutter and beat mad If I met her in Mexico's slums, or waving her hand behind Boston's many a picket fence, anywhere anytime."
They repost it, adore it, they fuckin' pray to it like words of a prophet, my man. They's fuck a 12-year-old because I wrote so.

>>8603168
What the hell does this actually mean in plain english? (hope i am not being rude)

>>8603380
I'm just gonna assume some context is missing.

>>8603069
Hey, I'm >>8598157 . Thanks for taking the time. I've never read Brazil, so I can't exactly respond to that, but I'll check it out. And yeah, I agree, an entire book of that would be dry as hell. There's some bizzaro stuff that that passage is juxtaposed to which'll hopefully have the effect that you and I both want.

>http://pastebin.com/WyQqsi9w
I feel silly giving you the same criticism that you gave me, but the subject of kidnapping has to be attacked in a really unique way in order to stand out. That being said, your characterization is strong and the transition b/w third and first person is smooth. The impression I get from the narrator is that he's a 'townie', so another thing that I'd watch out for is jamming pretty/literate phrases in his mouth if what he primarily uses for speech is colloquialism and slang.

>>8604484
>I'd watch out for is jamming pretty/literate phrases in his mouth

That part got me too but rereading it I thought there was no possible way the author didn't realize what he was doing there.
If he does it consistently through the work, I think its a really nice tool to give the character a sense of 'power'.
Because it stands out so much from the rest of the work, and that character is 'in control' of the situation it can possibly be a great literary choice.
He only used it three times, so I'm just hoping he realizes that he's got to be very careful with that as it puts the rest of the work's feel in serious danger.

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>>8591311
>plan to release a Christmas short online (Amazon etc)
>go to edit it a two years after finishing it (i missed last year messing with other things)
>can't stand it
>wont have time to rewrite it before December

I'm bummed out i wont have much time soon to rework for winter. Fucks with my plans somewhat for "building a portfolio / following".

I guess the plus side is i can see how I've developed as a writer. That and the only one other person that did read it said it was good (and shes well read too). I feel she was just being nice at the time. Saying that she did forward it to her friend too who apparently liked it also.

Anyone else experienced any highs and lows of editing lately?

short story/vignette in polish
http://pastebin.com/hTMKbZdP

>>8604567
>high and lows of editing
I wasn't aware that this ever changed.
When I was writing my story going full blast, I felt like nothing could stop me and the story was just appearing out of the ether and becoming more and more beautiful.

Until I reread it. I realized I had to accept the rush of creation isn't the same as the duldrums of self-criticism.
After all, in the end you're trying to make it for other people. It should be painful. But, that fear is important. It keeps from being shit and pushes you to challenge what you're doing when you use that sentence or this word, and then sometimes you pull it all together and it feels like:
"This is the way it should have been all along."

>>8604602
I guess im just bummed out I'd talked up my plans to myself and yet my lack of planning / foresight had ballsed it up for me.

>>8604617
Yeah, you're not alone at all. I only started actually writing a story after 37 or so journal entries, one page a day if I could help it with ink and a real journal to feel it happen.
I immediately wanted to start my grand philosophical opus about cultural change and those who get left behind. You know, old people holding onto precious beliefs that fade away. It had aliens, it was awesome. I wrote like two pages and realized I wasn't good enough right now as a writer to pull it off.
I still have those seven or eight 'might be nice to write' books hanging around too.

>>8604630
I read it a few times and I don't think there's anything I can add. Personally I was bored by the subject itself but that's not the writing's fault.
Some minor dialogue might help, but I imagine with the way the story is going there's probably some dialogue on the next page anyways.
I feel like there's too much detail. I'd have to see the rest of the work to see if the information is necessary, as the author did a good enough job painting the scene and not enough painting the characters. That just a choice though.

>>8604567
>>8604577
Definitely. What I thought at the first pass was literate and complex in the second reading looked a lot more like pretentious wankery. It's insane. I spent about a year working on structure, characterization, plot, style and completing the first draft, and I've spent almost two on editing and rewrites. On the plus side, I can see definite overall improvements.

>> The only kind of writing is rewriting.
- Hemmmmmmingway

The ride never ends boys

>>8604651
Write em down as notes for the future man

>>8604709
Ah, I did already but I don't need to, because I have such strong emotions tied to most of them.
I'm autistic as fuck so a pace around and come up with shit for hours. I can name every single one of them off hand, things I want to do with the story, how I want the characters to develop.
I'm really just afraid to kill my perfect memories of joy by having to put it in book form.
>>8604707
>The ride never ends boys
It did for Hemingway. Remember, there's always suicide!

>>8604702
Ay good shout. thanks man I appreciate it. Will add some minor dialogue. It's about a power struggle in a small cult. He's a masochist so yeah idk it get's more interesting (I hope)

>>8604782
Well, if that's the first page then you're going to have problems later on.
This is just a warning but I've found that you really need to tell your entire story within the first or second page, even if its just the first sentence. Just to give the reader an idea of what's going to happen.
There were some clues now that you mention it, but I think that the passage would benefit from some more overt foreshadowing as well.
Mostly just because it doesn't feel like an action passage, it's mostly informing even when you use more evocative sentences.
Basically, introduce the central conflict earlier in my mind.

>>8604839
cheers man! this was a rougher one so I appreciate that. I just had fun laying the ground rules with the cult then got into the drama so I feel a blending of the two halves of the story is in need.

>>8604557
I'm pretty pleased someone understood what I was going for. I found that it was a simple way of giving him the power in the conversation. Plus I really want to build him as a man whose fought his way to where he is, and is inherently clever, but the circumstances of his life have wasted his talents.

>>8603037
No rage, laddy. It is what it is and it is shite.

Use that. You idiot.

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I fucking hate doing back cover synopsis'. Any critique? I tried to make it as vague as possible.

>>8603061
I'm >>8593520
That's the kind of criticism and advice I needed. Dialogue has always been my strong suit and I hope with practice I can bring everything else up. Thank you so much.

>>8604630

It's a good first impression or so but I'm already starting to feel disinterested by the time I've finished it. Maybe add some dialogue or flesh out the entire scene a bit longer with some individual character development so it doesn't seem like it's just you listing errands and rules?

I already feel like I have a grasp of the whole cult thing in the first couple paragraphs and maybe leaving a bit of the details to the reader's imagination might be better and less wordy.

Either way you can probably just go with what you have and try to hook most readers with your next couple pages.

>>8605171
>man whose fought his way to where he is, and is inherently clever, but the circumstances of his life have wasted his talents
that was definitely a good start then, publisher would probably love it as long as you keep that consistent.
>>8605285
I'm not sure what you're trying to do here. It's not selling the book, which is what you want a back cover synopsis to do.
Look into copywriting a bit, but basically you need to summarize every good part of the book, mention the star of the show, introduce the main conflict, appeal to your genre audience. I half zoned out into reading past 'future', the next three sentences were fine but didn't add anything new to a place where every sentence should be new. It's okay to be direct here, 'vague' is precisely the wrong word in my mind. Leave the mystery for the actual book. Have you every seen a mystery book that you couldn't tell was a mystery book?
I can't go farther than that because I don't know your content of your book.
>>8605326
When I gave his a glance over I said the same initial impression. I think the real issue now is just that the text is repetitive. Over sets the scene, doesn't do the same with the characters. That may be fine with a publisher though for a long form novel, I couldn't tell you that. I see novels in the store pull this sort of thing all the time.

>>8593491
This was lovely. When can i read the rest?

>>8593491
Someone needs to give you all of the money.
I read it the first time trying to something to criticize, but it just got better. The imagination overpowers any possible sense of reason so I felt myself literally getting caught in a wave of overstupid/fun.
It's disjointed, but that works for it.

http://pastebin.com/1ue62iNL

Haven't looked at this in some time. Just kind of throwing it out there

Those oscillating jars, oh timber! The happy tune they do sing as I stroke about these boiled rings. Leave no sow or babe alone forevermore I sing the tune of the wimpled row creek. The creek we frolicked and flied when we were but wee child and no shorter than a thick wooden club. Beating those only who could deny our very presence and the pretence of evanescence. Confound! And blather harder you half-wit fore I beat you down these billow hardy halls of nothingness. Drift deeper you simpleton, your lack of wit no different from the cock that screams at dawn. Oh those wondrous screams! How alive I know I am when I am fortunate to hear them. Awakening only then to find how wretched I’ve become. Oh hear me on this you retard I know too well my intentions and actions thereabout. You’ve blustered far too long to engage in these fraternities with the unknown. Well I am the unknown and here I be. I have no qualm with the dead but I find their boorish voices boring, all the time to them and they wait so impatiently in their sarcophaguses.

Wrote this in a short burst with no filter about an hour ago, just wondering if there's anything that can be salvaged because I enjoy writing without really putting any thought into it like this.

>>8605288
An exercise I used to work on my descriptions was to just walk around and record yourself describing your surroundings as if you’re telling someone what you’re looking at. When you hear how you describe things just by talking it helps to better define your writing voice and allows you to see all the little things that help complete the scene.

>>8600721
I would replace the ellipses with a simple - -. I really need more of the context to the paragraph to make a fair judgment on flow but overall in the nice contained space it reads well, sounds good, and is very fluid.

>>8600839
*and lifts her head – Uneeded
The description of the dead body is a bit too wooden, could replace it for something else, or just restructure that sentence. Ending itself is a bit cliche, could do something more abstract or absurd to tie in with how the story starts.

>>8601272
really jarring grammar and pacing. Pacing especially. Events happen too fast, then they slow down for seemingly slice of life moments.
>Speaking of
I really dislike the use of openers like this, really just restrict it to dialogue.
>>8601423
Slow the pacing and expand and what's written. If you're making a nice slow tragedy, the material provided can fill three good chapters easily.

>>8602177
>>8602207
Flow's not really the problem, but I got an idea from reading this. It would be really cool if this was written out in a programming language, even though I've read a few stories that use a programming language and they're all tripe shit, this is an interesting premise that would be worthy of using a code to tell.

>>8602541
Very interesting, very much enjoy the way it's written, and the flow. I do get at times that this is a second language work, but overall it's written up to the standard I've come to expect from most works on this site and if you hadn't informed me I wouldn't have guessed.

Character wise you're bordering on Mary Sue, I would add in some flaws, just being a pirate ain't enough unless you go full Cormac McCarthy with it and get really bloody/rapey. Speaking of which have you read any of his work? This honestly feels like an immitation of his style.

>>8602553
Just going off the the poem itself, it's got a decent flow, some pretty descriptors, but as a Ekphrastic poem it really lacks self-reflection. there's too much of the painting and not enough of your emotions.

>>8600896
All for you buddy ;)

>>8600896
Reads like early Neil Gaimen, which isn’t so much a good thing. I like the world building and the presentation, dialogue and characters need some work. Typically you want your character’s strongest traits to shine during the exposition that way people can quickly identify what role the character will be playing, especially in fantasy.
The attack right when Malphas enters our world is a bit too unrealistic, but to showcase how fucked the earth is you could instead have it more like the bum beating’s that Alex’s droogies do in Clockwork Orange.
I like the way you right action, and the overall flow of the work. Not too many wooden sentences, or excessive purple prose, though you do go on and on in some parts. Try keeping bare essentials and contemplating if you need to build off that.
> “P..please! You’re… hurting me!”
“The light. I want to know why it is here inside darkness.”
“...People… turn them on at night!”
“With a flame?”
Still trying to wriggle free, she continued.
“They’re electric! Please... let go of me!”
“Hey, back off ma’am, you’re scaring her.”
Really showcases how awkward dialogue gets. Malphas is a little too outgoing for being such an edgy character. He’s too eager to interact with the world, but at the same time he enjoys pain and suffering. He’s too detached from Humanity, yet wants to do nothing to learn, but wants to do nothing but destroy. He’s almost comedic in a way, but the story isn’t written at all to be comedic. Definitely read some of the dialogue aloud, and get down characteristics of even minor characters. The lady acts far to generic to be considered real, stuttering and pauses are too common, and the ellipses before and after makes it seems like she herself is trying to remember what lights are for.
Speaking of ellipses, they are the sign of a new writer. Use all other pauses before an ellipses, that is used for a very very long pause, a contemplative pause. Most of your dialogue where it is used you can replace with a comma, a semi-colon, or even a full stop period in the middle of a dialogue sentence. Over reliance on ellipses not only shows how new you are to dialogue and writing but it makes your characters all talk like wizened old sages.
Rigor Mortis doesn’t set in immediately. At best you have half an hour after death for it to set in, before that the body is completely flaccid


After reading some of the other critiques tkae some pointers from >>8602541 post. I feel like your writing would benefit more with the faster flow and more direct, but shorter, character clashes that this piece has.

>>8604630
Did you read IQ84 before writing this? your set up reminds me of the cult from that book. Otherwise, I like the flow, decent exposition, not really feeling much of a plot devolping so far, or any real stand out characters.

>>8606070
>http://pastebin.com/1ue62iNL
It's good. I wanted to find something to add but I just kept thinking "It's good". I'd remove the (or person) that felt unnecessary. You did a really good job building the characterization, nice word economy, etc.
If there was anything, I'd be worried if you could keep that up for a good length. It feels a bit like a short story to me, Sarah's action felt too mysterious so if this is a longer piece just be aware that you'll have to deal with that somehow...I guess. Or not.
>>8606080
"salvaged" isn't the right word. The energy is great, I could have told you it was a burst without you saying it. The strength of it that I see is the mix between the archaic tone, the literary tone, and the thuggish tone. I think you might have something interesting if you become more aware that that is what you are doing, if that's what you want to do.
I remember someone saying "you've got to write out the story first to find out what it's about" and I think that applies to that piece rather well. Burst out your writing, then find the stuff you want to keep and what you like about it and trim from there. I'm worried about the purple prose parts, but that was intentional right?

>>8606229
I'm pretty sure it was intentional, it's kinda hard to explain I feel like that's how the character would talk and act in this particular instance, and once I realized that I just went with the flow. I definitely think and agree that there are some parts that just come off way too wordy and confusing which I'll probably fix if I ever want to continue writing about this situation.

>>8606172
Malphas here, that's some really helpful insight, thanks so much. In a sense I wanted to write his part in an almost child-like inquisitive way, but reading it back I don't think I managed to infuse any of that. I'll definitely work on the dialogue, that's some handy insight right there.

Reading through your linked content, I can't really give much advice, certainly not to the same degree, but I found it very easy to read and pretty gripping. With respect to everyone on this board, I tend to find my interest tailing after a while, but didn't with that so kudos.

>>8591311
>lurching upwards in imperceivable increments, achieving its optimum vantage

annnnnnnnnnd dropped. what the fuck. do not alliterate in your opening sentences

>>8606371
but some of it is good desu, just overwritten. keep at it

I need some kind of advice, my dudes. I've been trying to work on a sci-fantasy novel exploring morale values and the darkness in oneself. But I've become increasingly focused on weird, abstract, bizarre things due to recently listening to King Crimson and watching a woman die while I was on shrooms.

I don't know if I should add these elements of weirdness into my novel or make something else entirely of them. I'm not sure if the mishmash of stuff would work.

It's already a fantasy setting with magic-based tech that is vaguely alluded to be in the future of our Earth.

>>8606385
You can add anything to anything.
Just come up with a place it fits into the story. If you don't have a scene where it works, explore where you want some extra mystery for the characters or scene. Like if the character is having a hard time, or they feel lost or angry. The genre isn't important, the imagery is however.

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Wrote this a few days ago.

>>8598685
>>8599038
a lot better than the first. its interesting at least. you have these paragraphs the wrong way around though. locate the story somewhere concrete first, set up the place and time so I know where i'm at before you start with the abstract bitching. maybe a sentence or two to describe your room, nothing major. 'my roommate knocked on the door. i threw the cover off. sunlight was blasting through the cheap sheer curtains. thats odd, he had a good job he was supposed to be at by now.' maybe the door is shitty and nearly falls off its hinges when your roommate knocks. etc.

in its current state it reads like a shopping list. 'my roommate was fired. i said i was sorry. we had tickets to the concert' if you're trying to ape hemingway, remember that he's not simply concise, he's also very evocative. 'dark and oiled road' or the 'rough checkered grip' of a handgun

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>>8600481
if i could remove one word from the english language it would be 'devoid'.
>>8601995
i like the opening line. usually i'd cut something like that (if it wasnt going to make a difference, dont tell us) but it works really well to establish a narrative voice. Some of the sentences ran a little long imo, try replacing a few 'ands' with periods. enjoyed the specificity of the typewriter stuff.cut the line 'I was a brobdingnagian dipshit', it doesn't work at all. would read more/10
>>8602707
i aint gonna read all that shit nigga just post the best bit
>>8602771
very solid piece of writing overall, feels professional. criticisms:
'in conspiracy' is broken english. try 'conspiratorially'. also if youre gonna do wanky made up fantasy names, don't make them four syllable monsters.
>>8604630
this is 11 paragraphs of straight exposition. its fine but for gods sake nigga im falling asleep, get some characters to say or do something. raise some questions introduce some tension jeezus
>>8606702
i like it overall. Just describe the jacket as thin rather than have the protagonist waste thoughts on it. cut 'such is the life of a night owl', its wanky and the sentence works fine without it. also 'metaphorical attics and basements'? what? also your tense shifts from past to present and back again. unfuck yerself. First paragraph after the asterisk is kind of ehhh as well, reckon you could ditch it and lose nothing of value. 'he came to an alley, lit soley by...' cut '... behind him, looking at the source of the yell'. he's not turning around to do the fucken macarena now is he? and why specify that he's turning behind him? where else do you turn? rewrite the line about him getting 'knocked over by the source'- replace with something like 'matt was knocked down from behind. he scrabbled for his glasses..' and dont use wanky words for 'said', thats the #1 trap for beginner authors. no inquiring, no huffing, just say 'said'.

>>8606877
>i aint gonna read all that shit nigga just post the best bit
That was my best bit. I was going for overall feeling. Just trying to tell a character's backstory. I felt it was rather short myself, so I was surprised when you said that.

>>8594316
>to
too

>>8594373
9/10

>>8606162
Hi, thanks for the critique, thank you very much! and actually, I haven't read any of his work at all, which is funny because some other anon, on an old critique thread said the same thing about a different story of mine, though that one was much more sci-fi than anything else.

I will definitely check it out McCarthy, and fix up my characters. Thanks again! :)

Also, I noticed you're taking the time to critique a bunch of other anon's work, so even though I'm not them, thanks for taking the time to do so!

>>8607495
Oh I forgot to mention, I am >>8602541

>>8591311
Penultimate chapter to short story I'm working on, inspired by Fear and Trembling.

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Second half of a chapter I'm trying to work on. Give it to me good and hard, I like it rough.

Pt. 1 0f 2

He saw the trap only as it was being sprung, limbs moving too slow, lungs too out of breath to shout. The screech of the tires screamed for the driver. He heard the loud thump of meat hitting metal, saw as his friend went flying like a fish out of water through the cold air, and then slam against the pavement once, twice, three times...

It wouldn't be till years later, during a high stress situation, when he would remember, quite vividly, the crunch of a human skull as it fractured and cracked open against blacktop. In that moment, however, screaming was all he heard. A high pitched wail that could have crumbled mountains if there were any.

“JAAAKE!!”

Roth saw her slipping and sliding in her drunken high to get down the grassy embankment and to her brothers side, and he immediately knew he couldn't allow that. He ran and caught her just as she touched the blacktop, tackling her to the ground.

“Roth get off of me! Jake! Damnit, get off! It's your fault! Let me go, he needs me!”

Her words cut him like thorns, but her life was more important. He couldn't let her get hurt too.

Seconds later, just as he feared, another car came racing around the blind curve and crashed into the back of the small SUV, not having had enough time to see what was happening. The first car went screeching further down the street before sideswiping to the left and into the other lane, just barely missing Jakes legs.

Sammy was next down the hill, sliding down just as fast as her sister had. Then came Benny, and finally West. All three of them made a hard, skidding stop at the bottom of the hill, eyes taking in the crash. Then Sammy ran to her sister and took her into her arms, releasing Roth from his duty. She had seen the whole thing from her position atop the hill and knew it was too late to save her little brother. Her only duty now was to keep her sister from the same fate.

“Dog shit” Benny said as he gripped his hair in both his hands. West was surprised he managed to get a word out, let alone two.

Having been freed of his burden, Roth stood up and surveyed the street. The scene was gruesome. The back of the SUV was completely caved in, and the front was sporting a nice boy sized dent. Smoke was billowing out, causing the driver to cough and wave their hand in front of their face as they opened the door and took a few slow steps towards the middle of the street, pausing just a moment to stare back at the blood splattered on their car. Legs shaking, Roth began to tentatively step forward.

“Don't” West tried to warn, but was drowned out by Julies loud wails.

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>>8607603
Pt. 2 of 2

The street lights were bright enough that he could make out the splatters of rich liquid that led to his friends now mangled and twisted body. His legs lay at a strange angle, facing opposite his arms and making it look like he was trying to play Twister on the sidewalk. His head was bent inwards towards his chest, partly hidden by his left arm. As Roth approached, he realized Jake was still moving. Twitching. Like that squirrel his mom had run over just the year before.

Whatever fear gripped him left in an instant, and he ran the rest of the way and fell on his knees before Jake. He reached out with his hands, wanting to pull or sit him up, but too afraid to touch anything on his already broken body. His breathes started coming hot and heavy as panic began to overwhelm him, the sight of blood pouring from a cracked open skull just too much.

And not just cracked, but shattered. A huge, flat surface on the back of his skull showed where he had hit the pavement so hard, and now, as he lay twitching, pieces begin to give way. Roth watched with horror as his brain began to fall out.

He half chokes out a small wail, and futily attempts to hold his friends head together, pushing back on the meat like he has any chance of keeping it in. The feeling of warm blood, hard pieces of bone, and spongy meat shock and disgust him, but he can't let go. He can't. No.

A road-rash scraped hand suddenly grips him by the arm, and he jumps.

Looking down, Roth is shocked to see two wide brown eyes staring into him. Or perhaps past him. He would never know, because in the next instent...Jake was gone.

He felt two pairs of small, rough, hands pulling him up to his feet and dragging him back a couple feet. The next thing he knew, his arms were around Benny and Wests shoulders, and they were carrying him out soldier style, back to the bush. When at last they sat him down to catch their breathes, all Roth could manage to say was:

“Where's the little girl?”

Benny and West shared a look, and Roth's chest tightened more than he thought was possible.

“It was a dud” Benny answered, at last.

“It was just a doll we were chasing.”

(obviously I haven't done much editing yet)

Critique my life into pieces plz

http://pastebin.com/cXdM0zCK

>>8607637

First paragraphs ok, but you need to find other words or phrases for 'was it', because repeating that so much made the paragraph drag on a bit.

Ok, you lost me on the second paragraph because you stated that it was 'Cypher' who made the Friday Night, but then you do not proceed to tell me why this is, but rather describe how the character looks. I'm not interested enough in the story yet to care how the character looks because I'm still wondering why this man makes the friday night.

You also drag the description out a bit too long, and a bit too clumped together. That's not always a bad thing, but I think in this case you could sprinkle his description throughout other sentences with different things happening along with the descriptions.

>>8607671

thanks , that's something I didn't notice until now

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>>8607578
Sorry. Orange means I'm unhappy or weary of that segment.

>>8606702
>those sound effects
terrible anon
>hit by the source
kill it
>all this repetition "getting knock off, and himself getting knocked on the ground"
it hurts the flow
>this dialogue
you need to listen to more conversations
>capitalising dialogue
reads bad too

Overall, you need to go back and read the authors you really admire, and compare what you have written to theirs.

>>8607603
>that scene change
too sudden for me
>again that capitalised dialogue
it's your choice, but I think it sounds like something out of young adult fiction

Overall, you're better than the other guy, but I think you should be examining who and what you're reading closely. Keep writing.
>>8607637
This is almost baroque.

>>8607675
Welcome. It looks like you are still new to writing, but you have a good feeling for it. I started like that, and I'm still working on it ten years later, but I'm gettin there. I'm sure you will too.

You did get me interested, but when you can't hook the audience, or you bore them at the beginning, it doesn't leave them very patient with other mistakes.

Now um..any chance you might take a look at this maybe?
>>8607603

You don't have to obviously, but I would appreciate some feedback.

>>8607688

>baroque

do you mean that as a criticism or praise ?

>>8607688
>>that scene change
>too sudden for me

Which part in particular are you talking about?

>again that capitalised dialogue
>it's your choice, but I think it sounds like something out of young adult fiction

Again, which part specifically? And ya it probably will end up being geared towards young adults. I really won't know till I'm done with it though.

>but I think you should be examining who and what you're reading closely.

Sorry to ask this again lol, but can you elaborate a bit? Like what do you mean by 'examining who and what you're reading'

And thank you for the critique, not as harsh I was expecting haha. But hey, I guess that's actually a good thing considering this is part of the first draft.

>>8607711
Both, more towards the negative side, but only slightly.
>>8607726
The second paragraph, you should keep your scene steady. I'm guilty of it too, but it felt jarring to me.

>>8607745

sorry I know I'll be making myself seem like a dumb ass but could you elaborate a little ? It's not really a style I'm familiar with and certainly wasn't aiming for it

>>8607688
This is my piece, if you'd care.
>>8607745
And

>>8607753
It's slightly overdramatic.
>>8607754
You should re-read your favorite authors and imitate what you like about them more closely. It's good practice.

>>8607759

thanks

>>8598509
what's it about? I'm visualising someone hazily coming to, like someone waking up from a coma or a baby being born for the first time. But really, I have no idea what's going on because it's a lot of (pretty cool) description about not much.

If you're going for a pre-big bang thing you should probably finish this part of before critique.

>>8607688
I like it, but the orange text detracts from it I think. It's looking pretty good though besides some typos, and probably needs another draft done, but not bad at all.
>>8607745
Mkay.
>>8607759
Ah ok. Thank you again.

>>8607798
So perhaps I should combine the first and second paragraph on this one:

>>8607603

Instead of splitting it?

>>8607688
what's your reasoning behind using present tense?

I'm not qualified to /crit/ but subjectively it makes it feel clumsy. What's your reasoning behind it?

>>8607688

i found this very readable

>>8598509

is the wordset appealing, yes somewhat. but it reads like a description of a passage you plan to write not like actual writing. presentation needs to be different/competent

would anyone be interested in a controlled discord group for crit ? just a few people of a similar standard so they'd become used to each others styles and pointing out issues etc would be easier.

>>8607910

here's the link : https://discord.gg/vZJNfhc

>>8607910
How is it going to be controlled?

>>8608257

probably just capping it off at a number of numbers i.e a max of 15 people

>>8608278
Well I meant more like, how are you going to decide who stays and who gos? You don't know anyone on an anonymous board, so basically anyone can join this until you cap it off. What if people don't treat it seriously or just shit post basically, or don't offer good, constructive critique?

Not trying to be a hard ass here, I'm just honestly curious how this might work on a board like this.

>>8608310

I think it'd be a sort of community decided thing so if someone disruptive comes in and everyones sick of them they'd get kicked.

I mean preferably people take it seriously but if they don't then ehh can't do much to do that

>>8608326
Ah. Well, good luck with it my man. I'm already sort of dedicated to my own writing group, so I can't really join this thing, but I hope it works out nonetheless.

>>8593491
>“This blessing will imbue your legs with the ability to kick ass”, the monk explained.

I'm fucking dieing, keep this shit going anon.

>>8593577
I like this, ya got any more?

As for critique, I feel like you just need a brush up on some basic sentence structure/rules. An editor could help with that.

>>8591311
The sun is hot? TIL. Thanks Reddit!

>>8609359
Lol

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>>8609359
kekos myron

His knees were weak, and his arms felt heavy. There was vomit on his sweater already. Moms spaghetti. He was nervous, but on the surface he looked calm and ready to drop bombs. Still, he kept on forgetting what he wrote down, and as the whole crowd roared so loud, he opened his mouth but the words wouldn't come out. He was choking now, he could hear everyone joking now.
Time's up! Over! Plow!

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>>8610394
No.

Is poplit trash allowed in here?

I'm writing a fantasy story where a portal opens up in some poor schmuck's dorm, deposits a dragon, and they both have to figure out what's going on. Then it tries to subvert the normal genre conventions by becoming a political drama that examines the concept of hereditary rule, the responsibility of power, and American culture.

Is it even worth it to post?

>>8606080
>I sing the tune of the wimpled row creek

This particular line feels strangely out-of-flow compared to the preceding two. I'm not exactly sure why.

>>8611115
>Is poplit trash allowed in here?
I take it you haven't read through the thread. You think far too highly of /lit/.
>a portal opens up in some poor schmuck's dorm, deposits a dragon
How big is his dorm?

I should warn you - no one wants to read about a tiny ass dragon.
>Then it tries to subvert the normal genre conventions by becoming a political drama that examines the concept of hereditary rule, the responsibility of power, and American culture.
That doesn't really sound like subversion when those themes are bread and butter for most fantasy shit. And do yourself a favor and don't try to be "subversive". That's pretentious. Write what you want to write. That's not to say you can't or shouldn't be subversive, just that you're shooting yourself in the foot by writing with the goal of having some adjective labeled onto your work. Focus on your work and not how it will be perceived. Leave the labeling to the audience and the critics. I hope that makes sense.

>>8611281
The dragon does break a wall in order to fit, but it's still relatively small. Just barely big enough to fit into a giant SUV if he's extremely cramped.

As for the bit about subversion, I'm not trying to be subversive to seem intelligent or "literary." Subversion may have been the wrong word, actually—perhaps "non-traditional" would have been better.

Essentially, a lot of intrusion fantasy stories follow the same plot. A young adult finds a fantastic creature. Our protagonist is initially afraid but eventually befriends it. The two people learn more about each other as the protagonist tries to figure out how to send the creature back home. Eventually, authority figures find out about the fantastic creature, there is some sort of chase sequence, and our fantastic creature escapes.

My particular story has some of those elements, but doesn't really fit the framework. The dragon eventually admits to the protagonist that he was used to test a banishment spell, and that the creatures who banishes him are planning on banishing his entire race in the same way. The meat of the book is them trying to work with the government to evacuate the area the dragons will be teleported to and to try and explain to everybody what is happening without causing mass panic. Then, if by some miracle I get to write a sequel, the second book is focused more on humans trying to negotiate some sort of agreement with the dragons, which is made more complicated by certain presumptions and historical biases on both sides.

In case you can't tell, I'm not exactly confident in my ability to explain why the story is worthwhile to read in a blurb. All my test readers/people in my writing group so far have really enjoyed it, but explaining the plot in a few sentences makes it sound stupid and childish. Part of that may be personal insecurity as well.

Which is where your advice comes in: you're right, I should absolutely stop caring about how people think about about my concept, and focus on executing it in the best way possible. Marketing it can come later.

Thanks, man.