Continue the story/rate

>>8539532
Start over

>>8539548
What is bad about it? i'm just starting with writing

At night he could sometimes see the lights from a passing tanker or trawler. There wasn’t anything to do here except indulge the lazy unravelling of time, as if urging him to fill the vacuum between the distant screeches of drunk women. It’s all rotten to the core. To think that people had once lived here, pitifully evident by the crumbling ruins of farmhouses, crooked teeth jutting out of the landscape, the acidic soil rejecting fragments of collarbone in disgust. As he watched the bokeh of street lights dancing on the water, through tears, Michael came to the realisation he’d left the keys to his flat at home. His stomach sunk like a boat without its bottom. The Jews must have done this.

I think it works better like this desu. Though it's still not clear what indulging time lazily unraveling has to do with urging him to fill the vaccum. And the crooked teeth beside the collarbone seem like a semi-mixed metaphor. Maybe jawbone would be better instead of collarbone.

>>8539592
>At night he could sometimes see the lights from a passing tanker or trawler. There wasn’t anything to do here except indulge the lazy unravelling of time, as if urging him to fill the vacuum between the distant screeches of drunk women. It’s all rotten to the core. To think that people had once lived here, pitifully evident by the crumbling ruins of farmhouses, crooked teeth jutting out of the landscape, the acidic soil rejecting fragments of collarbone in disgust. As he watched the bokeh of street lights dancing on the water, through tears, Michael came to the realisation he’d left the keys to his flat at home. His stomach sunk like a boat without its bottom. The Jews must have done this.
thanks a fuckton this is way better sounding

>>8539571
Learn to write well in a simpler style before you churn out any more of this barely coherent purple prose

You're overwriting

>>8539647
I'm trying to mimic the style of Ian McEwan thats why its all pretentious overdescriptive bullshit

>>8539650
It's not bad but you should cut down on the lyricism a bit. If you deploy these descriptive, lyrical flourishes too often they lose their potency and it becomes grating. Used sparingly they become a lot more powerful.

Also make sure they don't just sound nice but actually do something to build themes, character, or plot.

If you haven't read him I recommend Don DeLillo for a writer who does this style really well.

>>8539692
thanks this is also super useful, who knew 4chan was intelligent?