Critique my ish /lit/

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>>8466861
2/2

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>>8466861
>>8466862
Ok forgot about third page...

3/3

shamless self bump

>>8466861
Not a lot to say, genre fiction vaguely wannabe Hunger Games shit, but speckled with some cringe.

That "all (something)-like" thing you do is awful.

Avoid cliches like women with hips that sway as they walk.

You have lapses in voice. In general it sounds normalfag casual but then the narrator says shit like "...the ground before me," where 'before' sounds too antiquated, and "He spoke softly, the way a mother does when speaking to a sleeping babe."
A 'babe'? Seriously?

>>8467204
Fair. I was aiming more for post-societal tribe-type ritual but I could see it coming across "all Hunger Game like."

I thought that that might add some personality to the character, but good to know it didn't work.
Also, I noticed the changes in voice after I finished it. I didn't have a set plan for anything for this and it was more of a writing exercise. Definitely will avoid cliches, but when you say normalfag do you refer to that in a negative sense? I've been trying quite hard to dumb down my characters' voice because I felt it was coming off too pretentious and, to a point, purple,

The main thing I was trying to get across with this was the theme that I decided on about halfway through via the last few sentences.

Thank you very much for the feedback, despite its abruptness, and I'll do my best to incorporate it in future writing

Another bump because I need to know ALL the reasons why this is shit

>>8466861
Terrible writing consider shortening sentences and really taking aim on the clarity of what you are trying to say.