Is this poorly written? v2 http://pastebin.com/h0D2Bfxt

>>8461818
Not necessarily poorly written but it reads pretty blandly. Try moving some things around in your sentences and spell out numbers unless they're large (I got with anything under the teens to spell out). I guess that's more of a personal stylistic choice but I just hate seeing, "We had 1 dog."

>The yard would be tree lined, much like the roads. Behind lies a gigantic dense forest, surrounding a meadow that I would take my dog to and children if I had any.

There's a change in tense here (would be vs is tree lined). It can also be a little more interesting.

>Behind my tree lined yard lies a gigantic dense forest. I take my dog to walk through the woods into a large meadow and my kids if I had any.

It is a little boring but actually seems kind of interesting at the same time. I assume this is about yourself?

>>8461835
Let me add a little more good to this. I AM interesting in where the writing is going. Do you drink cheap whiskey or expensive whiskey? Are they dry, harsh cigarettes, or do you feel some kind of satisfaction smoking them?

Some small description would go a long way but I do like that you're not just writing self indulgent bullshit. The shortness of sentences is also a personal preference of mine. I would read more of what you wrote but I would very much prefer more description (is the driveway dirt, gravel or paved? Do your friends have all their teeth? Stuff like that).

>>8461818
there are way less mistakes now, although i have to note this piece is also shorter than the previous one. now my main issue is just that the sentences are sometimes structured very unnaturally, like you're translating your thoughts from another language. same could be said about your choice of words. so i think you should just read a bit more and you'll be cool.

>>8461855
Yeah I think the best way to deal with that is to WRITE more though, personally. There are some things that do seem out of place (Winding roads lined with gigantic pine.) that I can see are part of the narrative but I don't know why they are where they are. Most likely editing stuff. I would try writing this same thing out again from the start and change things up as much as you can. Then reedit down to what works again.

File: Nailedit.gif (2MB, 205x260px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 205x260px

Any fucking thoughts on all this, OP? You got a good bit of feedback.

You're obviously trying to create a detailed specific image of the narrator. Don't worry about that. Nobody cares about how muscled he is or what music he listens to, that's shit you see in autistic fan-fiction.

I miss my ex so fucking much

yes, it's very bad

You really shouldn't walk on or sit atop dunes like that. It may greatly increase erosion.

>>8463350

Thanks Muad'Dib.

>>8461818
>>8461835
It is bland, I'd say use a few more discrete adjectives.

>>8463334
haha me too. that picture...

>>8461818
What's her name?

>>8463275
I normally would agree, but if this type of imagery is relegated to these few paragraphs, I don't see why that would be a problem.

>>8463363
That's Mr. Atreides to you, guild scum.