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I haven't names these yet so I'm open to suggestions. Also opinions and critiques.
1/3
Will the circle be unbroken?
These ripped heartstrings are my token.
A past that dwells like a whisper in the night.
A future that quells the quiet war i fight.
Quiet mind burning to show thoughts empathy.
Loud soul mis-spelling quiet minds sympathy.
What mind, body, and soul feel
Is what ignorance would try to swiftly steal.
For my heart didn't quake with infatuated desires,
It swelld with what love admires.
Mostly of what eyes portrayed, eyes in which my heart grew delayed.
Smile gave way to fears dispelled,
One of which whos match was unparalleled.
Little did my mind grow aware,
Of the thoughts the eyes hid there.
Ignorance strikes a fatal blow.
One of which eyes will never know.
Now the chest in which said heart be bound,
resides the ruins of a foundation which was once sound.
Years of war had finally toppled this castle into dust,
But king still sit on throne unmoved, unmatched, and unthrust.
Still the king longed for the eyes to see,
That the quiet heart will always have eyes for she.
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2/3
Anger, sadness, hate, regret. Those emotions leaving my mind beset. Unable to fathom the end of this cigarette, yet giving me option to reset.
As I lay down this cherry bayonet, I think of my former Juliet.
Think of nothing but her silhouette.
I then think of how she mastered the quartet,
further destroying my mindset.
I walk off after sunset, able to grasp that string no longer binds this marionette.
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3/3
This empty feeling of mine.
Just when I thought I was fine.
It all happened in one line.
Crestfallen in my lonely shrine.
My heartstrings as brittle as twine.
Absent is the foundation of my spine.
So tempted I am to resigne.
For I no longer see the sunshine.
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>>8402663
There's little interplay between lines. Most of your lines are independent clauses.
There's little rhythm in your poem. It reads awfully awkward with different lines in all kinds of different length.
>Anger, sadness, hate, regret. Those emotions leaving my mind beset.
You're telling me what you're feeling, but you're not really describing what these emotions do to you. Throughout the poem you're saying you feel sad, angry, empty; and anytime you try to relate these emotions to actions, you're writing grows frustratingly abstract. You speak of foundations, hearts, quartets, things that are meaningless objects to the reader and carry little meaning.
It really seems like you're being overly grandiose with what you're trying to say. You attempt to reach out with so many different, sudden illusions that aren't really 'set up' for the reader to understand or appreciate.
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>>8402688
>illusions
i meant allusions, obviously
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>>8402693
Oh..ok. I suppose I see that maybe those word choices are only understood by me. Thanks.
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>>8402693
I guess I kind of left it like that to see what other people would make of it. What they think I'm talking about. I don't want a set train that isn't open to any interpretation.
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>>8402652
Don't understand this image, shouldn't she be taking his heart and not his body?
Shit thread OP. This is an imageboard, remember that. Start your threads with an image that makes sense next time.
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>>8402769
Hey, fuck you guy
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