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Please help me, lit.
In middle school I used to write alot, i've always been above average in terms of reading and writing, been good with my words and such, though you couldnt tell cus im writing like this, but its a 4chan post who cares
anyways; i have adhd. maybe the worst adhd ive seen exhibited amongst everyone i know that are still deemable as functional in society. I took medicine for said adhd; i took concerta for many years of my childhood, starting at 10 (btw im 18 now, just graduated, going into college in upcoming weeks), and i actually was prescribed by one doctor a dosage thats above the recommended, maybe even legal limit, but i wont say definitively because its a bold claim. i would sometimes get dizzy n the halways and blah blagh blah. (i switched to a new doctor and when he saw how much i was taking he lost his mind and lowered it immediately).
anyways, i got really depressed from the meds to the point where i switched medicines to a couple different things, then finally ended up with Methylphenidate, which is like the aforementioned concerta with a certain aspect missing, in other words, it was still legal cocaine, quite literally
this has fried my brain; for years now i havent been able to think in complete thoughts, i write in one off sentences (i write lyrics usually and have an interest in scripts that i would like to pursue), my thinking pattern is broken, i hit walls, when i used to be able to flow at a crazy level, i dont mean to sound dumb or like im bragging but i used to be good, now im not. i bash my head against the wall in my room because i cant fucking write anything thats passable to myself. i will write so many versions of the same song and kill myself over which is better, when in reality i know its all subpar; it not only has affected my writing, but my life, as well. Now i change goals so frantically, my mind swirls, its hectic behavior. (i've always had alot of goals, but, idk, not quite like this. having alot of goals isnt something i want to change, though) I don't even have the patience to enjoy video games anymore that arent like minecraft or something similar where you can just wander endlessly with no actual objectives to complete. i need instant gratification. The medicine, as it's chemically going to do, gave me a ridiculous amount of drive, i used to get all a's and b's, all i used to want to do is learn more and more, excel, i wanted to force myself to be a genius so badly i actually cried about it a couple times. i stopped taking the medicine in 8th or 9th grade everyday and i can almost count on my hands the number of times i took it in high school, it never again had the same affect of giving me the drive that i was seeking from it. i dont even have the drive to leave my room to watch a show in the living room, i view it as a responsiblity that im ignoring.
the little ability i posses when it comes to reading and writing havent left 100%
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i scored higher than anyone on the writing SAT test in my high school, i scored kinda high in my english classes with minimal effort when i did try, and those instances were very few and far between. (i failed the first semester of english senior year and had to redo it online as well as semester two simultaneously, i did one chapter myself and the teacher said my essay answers were some of the best she's read, but i paid my friend to do the rest of the class). the fossils of my writing are still there, the pieces remain, i think (and hope), but i have no substance to back it up. the blockage i can almost say is physical, it's like a prescence in my head, a weight that i dont want. it hurts.
for reference, alot of the lyrics i used to write were reminiscent of the artist Earl Sweatshirt, his style of writing; i mainly wrote songs, a couple short stories, and i desperately want to write more music and scripts and i can't and it kills me, its what i was good at. you knonw how they say everyone has something theyre good at, writing was mine.
i've noticed that what helped me a little (at least i hoped it did) was when i started reading a little bit of a book, more specifically lisey's story by steven king, i guess it brushed the part of me that's been destroyed
can anyone recommend me any literature thats gonna change the way i think, re-carve neural pathways that were on overdrive a few years ago? good books, or even books that give advice about this? im all out of options.
sorry if what i wrote was gay or boring or overdramatic, but ive been tossing and turning, i only slept for an hour and its the middle of the night and my head hurts like a bitch, and medicine isnt helping.
can anyone help?
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bump, i need help
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tl;dr
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>>8395140
listen you're young. real young. don't worry so much about chemical imbalances and problems focussing. Just go walking more, get outside and even if it's frustrating keep at it. Your not alone, just that everyone else may have grown up a bit. dark days man, maybe get a job?
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