just rambling

I didn't even like her at first. We met online of course because I never leave my house other than to go to work. She was different. I don't know how to explain it any better. She annoyed me at first. But I would still talk to her. She had a boyfriend during this time but since I didn't really like her - only liked talking to her - it didn't really effect me and I honestly didn't care. Eventually, we started to drift apart and then get close again. This continued for awhile. I don't remember the exact moment or how it happened but I fell madly in love with her at some point. She is all I ever think about now. We started talking again. This time she had a new boyfriend whom she actually loved and was happy with. She didn't know I was being honest when I told her I loved her. And because of this she absolutely destroyed me. I haven't told her. But I kept almost all of the horrible things she's said to me as a reminder that she is very dangerous. Time passed and we became closer again. We both apologized. We both wanted to be friends. But I wanted more.

I want to marry her. As ridiculous as this sounds. It's just how I feel. I cannot change that I do not want to be with anyone but her. That she is the only person who makes me excited and happy about new things. She's incredible and I'm afraid her boyfriend might not know it. I'm so infatuated with this girl that I've done some pretty shameful things that I've never thought I'd ever see myself doing. I basically stalked her online. It began when we weren't talking. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I couldn't sleep until I found some sort of evidence she was alive. I rarely did. But what I did find was pieces of her past. I can tell by the things I found that she used to be very lonely and likely had a lot of time on her hands. Oddly enough. It's the same situation I am in now. My heart tells me this will draw us closer. That we both have been there and know how miserable it is to exist for nothing. But we differ here as well. She have a boyfriend that she loves. Her best friend. He can see her whenever he wants. He can touch her whenever he wants. It's killing me. These thoughts are the worse kind of reality. I do not want to accept them. Then she tells me (everyday now) that she loves me. That she needs me. That she won't ever leave me again.

write it in your diary fucko

But how can that be true if she still needs him? We don't feel the same love if she can calmly go to bed without checking her phone one hundred times for a response. Its not the same kind of love it she's able to be with him and not think of me. It's not the same love if she can kiss his lips without feeling her heart break. It's not the same love cat. What she has is a crush. I am her crush. She thinks I'm cute and wanted my attention but she does not need my love therefore she does not need me. Afterall, I never had any talents or success to keep her here in the first place. Her boyfriend was top of his class and is guaranteed a bright and prosperous future. Not me though. I started going back to community college just so she'd be happy. I never thought I could brag about it. But maybe she would be proud of me. I know she's in a hard situation herself. But my point is that she simply does not love me like I love her and that really fucking sucks. I predict she will make the logical decision and choose the man with a brighter future. From the same class as her that can offer much more. That leaves me just alone now. No longer do I have what made life so enjoyable. I never believed in God. Maybe when I was younger. But when I met her for the first time I thought maybe there was something. I was so sad for so long but still tried my best to be a good person and maybe this was my reward. Maybe fate had a weird way of working out and I somehow ended up with someone so perfect. I even prayed a few times. Just incase something was listening. I wanted to make sure they knew I was thankful and not taking what they had given me for granted. But you chose him anyway. I'm alone now. I don't regret many things in life but I definitely regret letting my guard down. I let you in and it was the wrong decision. I did not use my head. The hardest part was saying we'd return to the online world and tell the "others" that they too could be happy like us.

That's it's possible as long as you don't give up. It sucks that I'm returning here alone.

>>8341897
Write that down
Sounds like a good book

Go back to r9k. That subjekt is Way to mundane to write about

Decent prose though.

Thanks guys. I honestly just wrote this to get it out if my head. I don't have a journal and don't want to see insane so I thought I'd just write it here and see what happens. thanks