write what's on your mind

>>8312108
The opening riff from the song "Ride On Shooting Star" by Japanese alternative rock group The Pillows.

>>8312108

what's on your mind

:^)

>>8312108
Getting married was a mistake. I should have lived out my passions first. Now I'm tied down with responsibilities to another person. I have spooked myself and I can't take it back without destroying the life of another.

>>8312159
Are you me?

H..hold me please

>>8312165
We could hold each other, if not for these choices that formed our characters.

I was just thinking about whether or not it's actually a good thing to just expect people be thick skinned when someone says something really stupid to them. I mean on one hand, if a person knew what the other person was saying wasn't true, it wouldn't bother them. Yet, there seems to be this bizarre connection between saying something about a person's self and saying something about a idea which is open to be questioned. Come to think of it, I think Penn Jillette said it best (and I paraphrase) when he said that when a person says I have a belief that can't be questioned, you close off the rest of the world or something like that. I wonder if the same principles apply to how we feel about ourselves to the other things which we believe. I am a very staunch atheist, but I wonder if sometimes I have beliefs about myself that I am evangelical about and if there's some similarity with those beliefs about myself to how more liberal christians feel about not mocking religion. Because you know how liberal christians are always like "no you can't say bad things about other people's beliefs, you should just allow everyone to believe what they want because there's infinite paths to the truth" or something. I know that I certainly feel offended sometimes when people take really bad cracks at me, this leaves me with a sort of desire to have a scientific and biological understanding of my self, but I don't think that such a thing is really possible, because the concept of my self is so abstract, I think I'll always be open to vulnerability because of that.

>>8312108

I've been suicidal for such a long time that I don't want to kill myself out of pleasure or pain anymore. I kind of just want to die to be done with it, because it's such an inseparable part of myself that not doing it would be ill-fitting.

Every woman who was close enough to really know me is gone from my life and happier because of it, and I'm genuinely happy for them. I wish I could join them in not having to know me anymore.

I know none of you chucklefucks care all that much, but I'll be getting rid of myself in a month or two. Have two concerts planned before I take a train to where I'm going to die. It's easier for my dad to swallow running away than suicide.

It's a long train ride, so I'm actually going to finish Women and Men on the ride. If anyone wants it, I can leave it somewhere safe in the area where I off myself. I can make a post about it later.

>>8312215
How the hell could a person even be suicidal? I've never felt that way in my entire life. I've flirted with the idea before, because sometimes when I'm sad I just like to be provocative and say "I'm just gonna fucking shoot myself" to upset people, because never once have I actually felt a legitimate desire to die.

>>8312155
*vibrating guitar intensifies*

>>8312233

It's to do with chemistry, as much as it is to do with a lot of psychological trauma. Got abused by my mother's family mentally and physically throughout my childhood, and I think I was six when I heard about suicide and said "Yes, I want to do that". I've had maybe four or five attempts since then, but they were not serious and only three or four people I'm close/was close with know.

I'm really glad you've never felt suicidal, though.

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>>8312215
Come now Anon, tell me why? Is it really an inseparable part of you? Everyone is malleable and can change.

You're not the same person you were a year ago, you don't have to be the same person you are now in the future. It's not "Ill fitting" to not kill yourself because you can really change almost any part of yourself. You don't realize how stupid it is to kill yourself yet, but you can't really reason with suicidal urges. Professionals know how to deal with this stuff and provide proper support.

More people care about you and are concerned for you than you think, even some stranger on the internet is a little worried about you.

t. concerned chucklefuck

A lack of any communication that truly focusses on my aspirations and orientations has lead to my whole inner emotional life turn into a turmoil-fueled vague mess that favors vague and safe sadness and bitterness to true despair. This is a problem that many of the kids of this age will have to face: what is left if we define ourselves by all that we consume and think if our sensory organs have such an overload of information that we can't even be sure about the authenticity of our world view. I can't live my life with a vague sense of righteousness about never having chosen any option, tagging along the path my parents told me to while despising what I'm doing. Basically, it's getting hard to understand why we even do what we do and why bother trying your best if every day feels like rotting slowly away? Thanks for reading my diary btw.

>>8312251
Thanks anon for your show of empathy for me, by saying you're glad I never felt suicidal. I know it means absolutely nothing coming from me, but don't be sad, feeling sad is really stupid. You just need some time to yourself where you can be away from negative stimuli and learn how to enjoy your day. I've had anxiety, but no suicidal thoughts, but I think I worked through it alright, so I could only hope that you could do the same. It's not funny that you're having those thoughts, it's actually sort of a bummer and if there's anything I could say that would make your day better, I hope that it would be simply that I hope somehow you can find a reason to enjoy your life.

>>8312278
>sort of a bummer
not sort of a bummer, really a bummer. correcting myself.

I'm not trying to be melodramatic when I say I caught myself in the midst of a mental breakdown. For a week I had compulsory sensations of creating a transcendent piece of artwork that had to do with a fallen angel. I woke up one morning and saw that I had scribbled nonsensical wordplay trying to disprove common "positive" psychology by showing the roots of the word happiness and freedom are based upon material gain. It really scared me that I had slipped so far from what I strive to be as a person (i.e. rational and sound in a general sense). I feel really isolated right now and even when I look at pictures of my brother I feel I'm looking at a stranger. Like I can't really connect to anything other than at a surface level and real "connected-ness" is impossible and an illusion that we as societal beings use to find comfort in against the nothing. Thanks for letting me get this out it really does mean a lot.

>>8312108
my life is a mess and I'm too far lost in the chaos to put things in order

i should probably stop drinking so much water

>>8312257

Like I told other anon, it's been pretty much a constant throughout my life since childhood. I don't actually really remember a time when I didn't genuinely feel like death was just as valid an option as any, or more valid.

I know some people care about me, and that's exactly why I would be running away. I'm kind of at a crossroads where I can do that now and pass it off as 'mid-twenties wanderlust' to the couple of people who do still care intimately.

And not that it really matters to the argument, but I have been pretty stagnant as a person for the last three years now. I've lived most of it on cruise control, or drunk.

I've been alone my whole life and I'm close to killing myself

>>8312294
I know this sounds cliché but you should really go see a therapist, it may help you just to vent and let your feelings about disconnection (is it that?) flow out. Sometimes trying to keep a rational facade is a bad way of dealing with suppressed emotions. Humans aren't always rational beings.

I take notes constantly throughout the day, I take notes on my phone, and on pads of paper, or even just mental notes which I often forget. I write in fragments, bits of prose or poetry, but I can't seem to string a story together. I fear that even if I were able to string a story together it would never live up to my own standards, or that it wouldn't be something I would read and enjoy.

>>8312278

I appreciate the thoughts, but I'm honestly not even sad about it anymore, or sad about my life. It's more like emptiness or lack of ability to care about myself. Suicide wouldn't make me any sadder, or happier, because those things don't really enter into my want of it. It would just make me nothing.

>>8312303
I've been depressed but never suicidally depressed, at least not particularly close to actually trying it. Does the idea of doing some drastic thing just to see because the alternative is either death or constant desire for death not feel like it's worth a shot. E.g going to Tibet and becoming a monk and meditating 15 hours a day to see if you can find some inner peace or some other thing of this nature.

>>8312323

Well, if anything, my train ride across the country will either turn me onto that mode of thinking, or make me permanently set on ending my life. I'd like to feel that way, but at this point I don't.

>>8312108
I can't live with my parents anymore. It's not that I don't like them, but I find it hard to tolerate how they think.
None of them was educated beyond elementary school, so I was the first from this branch off the family to go to college. I'm afraid this has been creating a sort of gap between us, since the topics I have taken interest in, are the ones I cannot talk with them, and the topics they want to talk are such that I cannot bring myself to take them seriously. This has been going on for a while, and I feel I'm becoming strange to my own home.
I'm an old person, but graduate school doesn't leave me a lot of time for a job, and I want to finish before moving out.

>>8312233
Mostly innate. I tried to off myself once, the funny thing about it was that I was taking antidepressants when I did it. Nobody ever knew, and I never told anyone, not even my therapist.

I need something to devote myself to. Constant media consumption just doesn't cut it anymore. I already find myself losing the connection I once had with music. I don't know what I'd do if that also happened to my relationship with film and literature.

I've considered going back to religion but I don't think I'm ready to make that plunge, and don't know if I ever will be. Maybe I should do some volunteer work.

I'm learning more and more about the mental illness that runs on my fathers side, a history of depression and dementia. My father convinced my uncle to leave his wife of 40 years, I think it's because he's a lone and wants somebody to be lonely with. My uncle is slowly losing his mind so it's pretty sickening that's he's taking advantage of that. Scary thing is me and my dad aren't far off from eachother, as he puts it: "He's addicted to pussy." Which, if genetic, explains a lot of the action of my brothers and me. I've always been aware of my need for love. I don't stay single long, and it's a fault, I'll take the first thing that comes my way. I'm happy with my current girlfriend, she's passionate about veterinary medicine, and me. Outside of that she has no hobbies which puts a strain on our relationship because she wants to spend much more time together than I do. It also doesn't help I'm still in love with my ex who makes just enough promises to string me a long.

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>>8312303
>people who do still care intimately.

Holy shit man you have people who care for you intimately have you talked to them? If it is chemical, you need to get some meds for it.

I've known several people who've been severely depressed and did mushrooms and got better and apparently some science backs it up https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/may/17/magic-mushrooms-lift-severe-depression-in-clinical-trial if you're gonna kill yourself you might as well do something crazy beforehand.

You can't argue your way out of this mindset if you're at the point where you just feel totally indifferent, you need something to unfuck your brain.

If you are dead set on the train ride I hope it turns out well for you, you can meet some amazing people on train rides if you hang out in the lunch cart and chit chat. Don't be afraid, if you are an anxious person, you will probably never fucking see anyone on the train again. You're not going to see anyone again if you kill yourself, so you might as well enjoy the people around you while you can.

props to you for making it this far.

Also, since this thread is mostly dark and helpless-feeling, here's some music to fit that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHZRwtTQA28&ab_channel=pedroby

t. the King of Chucklefuckery

>>8312215
we love you anon :(

>>8312373

I would say there are two people, my step-sister and my dad. She's 10, and he's very dismissive. He doesn't really believe depression is a thing, that people just feel suicidal because they're not strong enough to get over things. I love him, but yeah, he's not the greatest outlet.

I tried medication for a year and... Nah, never again. I think I tried four different SSRI's and they all made me unable to cum and made me gain twenty pounds. That's a fate worse than death. Dopamine worked better but made me more prone to mania and violence, especially when I would drink.

I do appreciate the thought, though. I'm actually planning to drop with a buddy of mine before one of the concerts.

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This is what I got from a 10-minute stream of consciousness:

Upon the breath of dragons came the smoldering corpses of planets which look through the glass that witches spoke through in Times forgotten by all the apes that would constantly stare at the number seven. I didn’t like the attitude of some Cambodian missionaries who would row through the seas on the back of mountains and aligned with them all were much too few different severed bodies of the apocalypse which should fall before all the chains tying the roots of the earth. I didn’t bring much alcohol to fill all the bottles that would stick out beneath the salt sea of magnitude. When I lived in the watchtower I heard the constant clanking of processors built through the divine methods of molecular epitaxy past by the robots who created the human race. In the meanwhile I was driving a car which had no lights and could not expect how many of us would see the faces of pigeons reflected in our windows. Elvis lives and before he was a dinosaur he lived amongst Satan and Hephaestus creating black holes which encountered all the immortal races of the galaxy. The lives went on and the smoldering corpses were buried beneath witches and defecated upon and I liked the sweat scent of nice voluptuous women who would enwrap me with their sweaters which would lead to hesitant suffocation. I could not look either of them in the eye because I chose not to swear in public. We would not see how many of them were infantile and how many of them had rabbits growing from their claws. They could not produce evidence of all the crimes committed against the Polish people beneath all the stars that could have forged the first computers.Not only was it a myth that my head was enslaved benaath the sand by Jacki Chan who could ride the ocean waves on his bike it would also be fair to suspect that none of them lied to me when they were making up all the falsehoods that produced mankind’s first origin spirits. It was not known whether or not I would like to be thought of as a person that could go on without trying and know the shapes of buildings by looking upon them. It would seem obvious to myself that I was beneath a sky that shouted all the names of the bands that made Loveless a thing and none of the noises breathing on my skin.

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>>8312405
Alright dude, it sucks that you don't have outlets. Hopefully the concerts and dropping will convince you it's good to continue.

I don't think this is an easy thing to really do but remember that thoughts are just thoughts, you don't have to listen to them. You can't control feelings, but your thoughts you have a little bit of control over. If you can start wrestling with your thoughts, every little bit of control you get over them makes it easier, it is an upward spiral. It is a very good feeling to be able to tell thoughts that want you to do something stupid like kill yourself or play vidya and waste time, fuck you im going to go do something actually worth my time, but separating yourself from your thoughts and feelings is really difficult to start.

You can get in a downward spiral that you can't get out of, but the reverse is true, you can get in an upward spiral and not be able to stop, but starting is the really hard part. I found that the best way is to help people around you, that makes them happier, then they are more likely to help you, then you are more likely to want to help people around you... etc. this spreads throughout a social circle. This can put you in a good state of mind and make it easier to change yourself to be healthier.

Just trying to offer help, I know I probably sound really stupid and condescending. What you need more than anything else is probably some kind of support instead of stupid advice but It's difficult to offer real emotional support over the internet. I just hope it matters to you that a bunch of internet strangers care enough to take time out of their day to tell you not to kill yourself.People you don't even know care about you! isn't that amazing!

Here is one last idea for you, when you are somewhere big and quiet, empty, preferably somewhere natural, just start fucking running and screaming at the top of your lungs about the things you care about, it doesn't even have to be something you care about you can just fucking shout "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" until you can't go anymore. Shout about how fucking impossible everything around you is, and the fact you can even do something so fucking stupid is amazing. It really can't hurt to try if you're just gonna kill yourself anyways so you might as well.

ripe fruit is good shit.

Depression rears its ugly head around once again, with it comes the suicidal ideation. I'm fairly certain I'll never actually take my own life, but thinking about my lifeless body hanging from a noose or of my brain splattered against a wall post-gunshot can be oddly comforting in times. Regular exercise worked wonders for my outlook at first, but eventually that becomes part of the routine and depression creeps over again.


I hate my shitty job that keeps me inside bagging groceries all day. My parents urge me to get a real job soon. The work itself will likely be more fulfilling but I'm sure I'll inevitably grow to resent it. I miss childhood summers. I want to enjoy the nice weather, go to museums, travel somewhere new once I have the funds, anything to break the fucking quotidian lifestyle I'm enmeshed in.

Also I feel like shit physically because I ate too much ice cream and cookies last night.

Dicks

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No one's replying to my thread. Ah well.

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idontread i just absorb information instantaouesly like limitless but better cuz im god yo bro lolez

can't wait to go buy some bullshit tomorrow. it's all I can think about today

I wish I had opinions on things and I wish I didn't loathe that which I don't want to even try and do. I am desperately trying to figure out what the fuck I am. I feel horrible because no matter what I try to do it feels to me !like a bunch of dishonest attempts at discovering myself. I keep lying to myself that one day I'll write something but I will never have it in me. I'm selfish, and I think more often than not that I'm better than everything I can't have or be and everything I could have but am too stubborn to have. I am surprised every day by the fact that my girlfriend is still with me and loves me no matter how shitty I am as a boyfriend. I'd die for her. I wish I could get over myself and act normal for once, for her at least. I can't stop thinking about death, I see it in everything. I don't have many real friends anymore. I think one of them is depressed as fuck. I miss one of my childhood friends and it's my fault we lost contact. I wish I was a kid for a day. We were all together then.

>>8312803
>I wish I had opinions on things
You do.

>loathe that which I don't want to even try and do
That's redundant.

>figure out what the fuck I am.
What do you mean?

>no matter what I try to do it feels to me like a bunch of dishonest attempts at discovering myself.
Why?

>I will never have it in me.
Shit, you have a time machine? Do share.

>how shitty I am as a boyfriend.
>I'd die for her.
Contradictory much?

>I wish I could get over myself and act normal for once, for her at least.
Is that what she wants or what you want?

>I can't stop thinking about death, I see it in everything.
So you're not blind and don't have short term memory. That's good to know.

>I don't have many real friends anymore.
I'm here.

>I think one of them is depressed as fuck. I miss one of my childhood friends and it's my fault we lost contact.
Go talk to them.

>I wish I was a kid for a day.
How old are you?

What does it mean to choose to be a woman? Why do I desire this in my heart? How did I get here not under threat of punishment, and in fact in spite of it?

What does it mean to my identity to desire men? How much longer can I stay in this relationship? I love her, but she's so deeply flawed, and I can feel the spark dying inside me day by day. I wish it was a man whose weight was pressed against me at night when no one else is looking.

I feel like I'm playing on the edge of sanity. I can hear demons calling to me from across the chasm, and I want to chase them, I truly do. What is objectively good about my life: my privileges, my intellect, the words on my degree and the title of my job, those motivations are crumbling. I have lost interest in scientific pursuits as a lifetime dedication, and I'm realizing that I'm here just for the sake of challenge, to prove to myself I can excel in a field reserved for genius and prestige, and I have and I no longer care for it.

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun

I'm feeling dizzy. I think it's because of the bike accident I just had but there's little to know corealtion between a bruise in the knee and throat and dizzines. I'm sick and tired of Spanish radio. The same songs over and over. I can't stand it. It makes me so angry. I feel like smashing a glass into the guy's throat. Anyhow gonna catch some pokemon tonight so I'm pretty chill about the day.

>>8312868
>I think it's because of the bike accident I just had but there's little to know corealtion between a bruise in the knee and throat and dizzines.
I'unno man, my mom fell dow real hard the other day and later that night she was reacting like she had one hell of a cold from the pain on her knee.

>>8312803
The loneliness is hard. But it's normal. Most people don't have the friendships or free time they had in childhood. It doesn't matter what you think you are because reality will decide for you. Thinking about death is healthy, and if you're serious it might force you to do something instead of dream about it.

What if my lover doesn't love me anymore

>>8312893
Ain't your responsibility.

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Will getting a gf solve all my problems?

>>8312901
No, it will only make your single problems seem easy.

It's hard to start, but with my anxious mind needing to be freed from it's cage that is reality and soothing slavonic bands playing in the background I'll try...

Each day since I've grown from a child has been filled with a feeling of loneliness and nostalgia. Although I lack nothing in this life it seems so empty and shallow. I find activities which not just youngsters, but adults as well do pointless and mundane. Extraordinary social skills I posess stand unused and rot while I shorten my time and try to alleviate the pain by arguing with people I don't know in the pleasant mask of anonimity just to find myself rejected for my true opinions which can otherwise be taken as none other than a childish joke.
Then it's back to my pose. Usual funny and cheerful persona under which I hide my true self longing for something that can naver be fulfilled...

>>8312901
Absolutely not.

>tfw no one understands your gender and sexuality issues

>>8312320
Do you think that your actions will cause suffering on others?

At some of my worst moments that was the number one thing that would deter me from "taking that option."

>>8312956
Why'd you wanna be understood?

>>>>8312854
I don't beyond "its OK I guess"

things I don't wanna do in my stubbornness not because I dislike them in themselves
And I get bitter because others find them fun and enjoy themselves


Self discovery

Because it never feels sincere and honest
I cringe at my attempts to be creative and productive

Don't need a time machine to know I am not gonna do it
I'm too stubborn, I'll probably even say I hate writing just because I can't do it

I never do anything fun or engaging with her
I'm never up for anything except hanging out her or my place
Tbh I feel contradictory lot in life, another annoyance to deal with
I wish it
I know she'd be happier too

Funny

H-hello

I did
He and others say I'm crazy for thinking he's depressed

23 and gotta work now

>>8312165
>>8312159
did you not realize what marriage was when you vowed you'd do it?

>>8312966

Because I want to understand myself.

a lot of you guys are being sad sacks. I get it, I've been there, but dwelling on it doesn't help it any

don't sit around on 4chan and brood. go for a walk, go meet some friends and family, go work on something, etc.

>"When I am assailed with heavy tribulations, I rush out among my pigs, rather than remain alone by myself. The human heart is like a millstone in a mill: when you put wheat under it, it turns and grinds and bruises the wheat to flour; if you put no wheat, it still grinds on, but then 'tis itself it grinds and wears away."

>>8312990

Contemplate gender and desire. It's a topic worthy of reflection for the depressed and lethargic.

>>8313004
friends or* family, my bad

don't hang out with both at the same time unless they're into that

>>8312977
>I don't beyond "its OK I guess"
That's how it is with absolutely everything?

>not because I dislike them in themselves
That's the case with most dislikes.

>Self discovery
Yes, but what does that mean? What is your self?

>I cringe at my attempts to be creative and productive
Well do you want to be creative or do you do it because you "should"?

>I'm too stubborn
Mhm. Ever realize saying you're stubborn is being stubborn?

>I'm never up for anything except hanging out her or my place
Maybe that's all she wants from you. Not everything needs to be lights and noise in life.

>another annoyance to deal with
Oh don't, contradiction is the spice of life.

>I know she'd be happier too
No, you don't.

>H-hello
Hey.

>He and others say I'm crazy for thinking he's depressed
You explained why you think he is?

>23
I'm 24 so you're a kid to me.

>>8312993
Why'd you wanna understand yourself?

>>8312901
NO!

i love ween

>>8312108
Happy Birthday Akari Akaza.

>>8312155
You have impeccable taste, anon, and I like you for it. FLCL is sublime.

>>8312108
The scene in Aku no Hana where Nakamura tries to leave Kasuga behind is the ultimate expression of the feeling of being abandoned by God. Also, does anyone know the titles/authors of the books he borrows from Tokiwa in chapter 36? I asked on /a/ and got nothing, as expected.

>>8312901
Finding someone who understands you will solve some, but not all, of your problems. You won't find that person. Actually, if you're basic enough to think getting a gf would help you, then maybe you will. Good luck.

>>8312308
same

>>8313284
>Actually, if you're basic enough to think getting a gf would help you, then maybe you will. Good luck.
I was being flippant, I just want someone to talk to

>>8313321
In that case, I've got nothing better to do. How's life, anon?

I was alone all my life until I discovered my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, now I don't feel alone at all and I love being alive

>>8313338
He's a bit like a vampire.

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>>8313331
I dunno man, I just feel lost.
I've lost all passion for my interests and I don't even do anything anymore, I've spent the past month waking up at 3pm and shitposting and lurking til 5am then going to sleep

TO THE WINDOW
TO THE WALL
TILL THE SWEAT DROP DOWN MY BALLS
ALL DOSE BITCHES GET DOWN AND CRAWL
SKEET SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER SKEET SKEET

>>8313344
Being on that kind of schedule tends to fuck with your hormones, I know that's what it did for me. Fix your sleep and then see how you feel.

As for the passion, that's just something that life beats out of you. Although it can be helpful to force yourself to do things that are emotionally engaging, instead of just defaulting to mindless internet browsing. Usually when I do that, I find myself wishing I'd done it much sooner.

>>8313394
thanks dude

Vanilla cock

>>8313344
I used to be you, then I got a job

now I wake up at 7am, shitwork till 4 pm and fall asleep in exhaustion and shitpost on my days off

wanna trade

I thought reading the posts of other heartbroken people on /Adv/ might make me feel better about my own.

It's actually just made me feel terrible about how much suffering everyone has to go through in their lives.

>>8313721
Life is pain, anyone who says differently is selling something

t. Buddha

I took a poo last night and hurt my lower back after getting up to wipe. It's still here with me this morning although the pain isn't as severe, I just hope it's a sprained muscle or something.

>>8313721
>It's actually just made me feel terrible about how much suffering everyone has to go through in their lives.

"It is impossible to weep much for that in others which we should smile at in ourselves; and when we see a soul writhing like a worm under what seems to us a small misfortune, our pity for its misery is much mitigated by contempt for its cowardice." - Coventry Patmore, "Cheerfulness in Life and Art"

I don't mean to sound too callous. But keep suffering in its right perspective. And I should add: remember, next to the mass of human suffering, that immeasurably greater mass, mankind's potential for fortitude.

>>8312108
"We've got to install microwave ovens, custom kitchen deliver ray ray res..."

>>8312108
Lets All Love Lain

>>8313731
it'll wear off, same thing happens to me every now and then

some feels incoming

I broke up with my girlfriend few weeks ago because I just felt like we weren't super compatible, even though I loved spending time with her. We're in the same program in university of ~60 people. I felt nothing but relief at first but after seeing her again (as friends) I felt like I really missed her, but now it's too late. Then she tells me she is trying to go out with someone else in our program and I feel like shit, blocked her on fb and haven't talked to her in a month...

Like I know I wanted to break up with her but now that I've done it I can't help but feel like I regret it and I just miss her so much..

I'll never be the man I want to be. I'm stuck in this pig skin

>>8313394
This this this

If only I had the motivation to follow this advice daily I'd be in much better shape

>>8314402
An important distinction, though - don't make yourself do anything that you don't think will be meaningful to *you*. I'm not trying to tell anyone to live up to others' ideas of what they should be, only to take time to nourish their heart and not just their desire for mindless entertainment (which isn't really a bad thing, in small doses).

>>8314289
You will never be compatible with a woman because they are just children. You should treat them as such. This idea of love and romance is a jewish hollywood lie.

>>8312108
I have a 7 minute presentation on Frankenstein and Blade Runner that is due in a little over 16 hours from now, and in that I need to sleep as well as attend 6 hours worth of classes. Haven't seen either texts

>>8312108
I feel bretty lost, and at times, I wish I were never born.
I don't know what to do with my life, daily I think about offing myself but that would be distasteful, I am unfortunately very misanthropic as well, but I like to make people laugh, I'm in a strange position

>>8315171
Yeah I get you. Video games and youtube and netflix and any generally easy to consume media have been eating away at me, and I've only really started to see it since I picked up Gatsby the other day.
I hadn't read properly in a long long time and since then I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'm just afraid of quietness and solitude; I need constant distractions in the form of gluttonous entertainment, so your comment comes at an important time and I appreciate it even in its simplicity

>>8315235
to add, I have had depression for so damn long, that its just became a part of my personality, aka being a sarcastic ass
I got scars all over my face, but in the past 10months I have been lifting weights a lot, so thats helping me mentally a little bit

/end blog post

>>8312108
I have realised that I am stuck in a vicious feedback loop where I arrogantly think very highly of myself and upon realising that I am in fact a walking bag of shit loved by no one in the world, I fall into deep depression.

>>8315235
>>8315242
I forgot to say, I mainly blame all of my problems on my fear of change, even if its good or bad, I dont know how to get rid of it either

>>8315236
>>8315246
>>8315252
This boat is getting cramped

>>8315260
the SS sad lad

>>8315209
Dude she's like 15.

im alone and its my fault

>>8315269
The man is about to violate the laws of thermodynamics, what makes you think he'll obey age-of-consent laws?

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>>8315266
10/10

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>>8315293
thanks anon

I used to call myself a lonely faggot loser or something every night before going to sleep. Now I don't do that, and I suppose I've convinced myself that I harbor no self-loathing anymore, but I feel like I've been subconsciously punishing myself for some time. There's things that I could be or should be doing, things that would ultimately make me a happier person in the long run, that I seem to always have some reason not to do.

>>8312108
nothing at all, which is not good. i'm like a zombie.

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I've been speedballing for past 18 hours and as soon as i start to come down i forget how scared i was then i redose.

>>8312108

production rules and tautologies

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>>8312108
and you don't seem to under-sta-a-a-a-and

>>8312108
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhcccckkkkkKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkkkkkkhhh......

>>8312314
Damn, this really strikes home.
I can write individual scenes and come up with coherent plots, but for the life of me I can't do anything in between.

>>8312108
I have been a worthless coward since birth, fitting that I do not have the courage to end myself.

Yesterday I posted itt of my depression, yet today I feel eager and ready to seize the day. This happens to me often; a day of numbness and sadness followed by a day of motivation.

>>8316032
Same here, I spend most of the week depressed and angry then when the weekend comes I'm hopeful for next week and tell myself I'll overcome my lethargy and depression.

I've honestly lost the will to live. I eat like one packet of instant noodles a day and that's it. As it stands I'm just abusing sleeping pills so I can spend the majority of time unconscious. I'm too scared of death to kill myself. I'd rather go into the sweet goodnight of dreamland.

Something bad happened to me. It was a long time ago, but it left a deep scar in me.

I've spent the last six years trying to shutdown my feelings, because every time I start behaving like a normal person, and remember those events from the past, I get tremendously angry, sad. and depressed. Any normal person would were they in my place; which is why I try my hardest to stop my rational thinking. It's my way of coping with this horrendous pain that I can do nothing about anymore.

I try to behave normally around people, but everyone can tell sooner or later that I am emotionally absent. I quit my job due to lack of sleep caused by severe nightmares. Left my girlfriend because I was scared of getting too serious into our relationship. Moved to another city, and now I am alone.

There are times when I feel sad for being alone, but there's also a part of me that feels safer this way.

This is a process that occurs to me occasionally. I feel ready to start getting things done again, but sooner or later, those memories will knock on my door again and this process will repeat itself.
I either run away or destroy something, someone, or myself. For now running away will do.

No matter where you go, everyone is connected!

>>8312108
I think im a pedophile and I don't know how much longer i'll be able to resist the urge to rape my little sibblings

>>8316156
Don't be at that now.

recently i've started sketching my cat everyday for 5-10 minutes after work, making a small cat diary for her. sometimes i accompany these sketches with some short prose from her perspective about the most mundane things.

before bed i also like to read out loud to her, even though i know she doesn't understand or care to. sometimes i doodle comics of these bedtime moments and imagine the weird things she could be thinking.

i'm sure people would judge me as a crazy cat lady if this were discovered, oh well.

Niggers Amy Diamond שלום cyкa блядь ppppppp

I wish somebody could recommend some good history books, really detailed shit.

im a 27 year old kissless virgin, have never had any happiness and have no good memories and experiences i look back on with satisfaction, i'm pathetic and exceptionally unsuccessful, even on the very, very unlikely chance that my life somehow improves i don't know if i'll ever be able to shake the insecurity of how worthless my life was up until now and how much i missed out on, and can't really see any resolution to my life other than finally killing myself in my early-mid 30s.

>>8316576
Why don't you start lifting and looking after yourself

I eat ass

She asks me for how she could attain "pure happiness" and I have no clue. I'm not even sure how serious I should take that expression anyway.

I've made a huge mistake.

>>8316576
you could hire a prostitute if being a kissless virgin is bothering you
>>8316562
what about?

>>8312314
Just do it bro. Think of all the writers who think their work is shit but it actually isnt.

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bump uglies. do the nasty. haul ashes.

FREE-Stall!

Hal-halation-inc.-weak-tea-feet vs younger JOI the après-garde fagget helmer

>>8316576
How did you arrive to this point? Did you have a tragic childhood, grow up in poverty, or something like that?

>>8316773
i grew up relatively poor working class i guess. i just somehow found a way to fuck up everything i guess, who knows how it happens. maybe i am naturally off-putting to people for reasons i can't totally understand, though i seem to get along with people fine despite having no real social life. also a lot of it must be down to me being ugly.

>>8316786
You're probably bashing yourself a little bit too much.

The reading-writing process effects the setting-up of the inner monologue.

The setting-up of inner landscape cannot exist without outer homogeneity and conformity. Hence why print, intensely visual, homogenizes men in behaviour but allows for individualisation of thought and ideation.

But this inner-outer dichotomy that assists literacy is a case of a schizophrenization (schizo meaning split) of reality. The process of writing, or reading, is a process of substitution of experience for visual symbols. But the after-effect is that of two environments, the written and the source, which, though sharing "meaning", entirely differ in their modality of presentation.

Letters are abstract symbols that tend to detach the reader from the situation, and give him an outsider, at-a-distance view of something. It is also a very visual experience. Our HD-visuals-obsessed culture fails to notice letters themselves as requiring "high-definition" visual attention, let alone an entire book. Quite opposite to most experience, reading detaches the visual sense and gives it primacy. Kinesthesia reduced to a minimum: turning the page. Tactile aspects become irrelevant. The ear acts rather interiorly, by a crude association, also limited, of sight-sound that emphasises sound in only its articulate aspect (speech), and, by acting interiorly, it sets up that "inner monologue."

>>8316794
don't the results speak for themselves.

Homecoming.

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People shaping their lives after Someone's wikipedia article

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>>8316720
>he thinks it's just about sex

>>8316842
Silent. Hill?

>>8316862
oh no I didn't mean that. But I guess it is one problem you could address?

>>8312108
Conservatives and republicans are the absolute worst people in America. People, like myself, who are liberal, intelligent, kind-hearted, tolerating, and humble are the only people who occupy this country. They tell me to pick myself up by my bootstraps, and I certainly did. I went from having zero karma on reddit to actually having a post on the front page.

Could you imagine that? Little ol' me on the front page. Ha!

I can't wait to go home, have my girlfriend get touched by a bull, and rub my boipussy all over our soft leather couch. All this after voting for Hillary.

>>8316156
just resist a little longer and they'll grow old enough that the temptation will go away

>>8316576
>being a failed normie
>on /lit/

Why? More to the point, how? Have you tried actually reading?

>>8316895
>all I think about is politics

How gauche.

>>8316895
>reddit is evil 4chan is the Elevation of the human soul

>>8316895
Proof that both sides of the political spectrum are cancer.

>>8316286
Not so much crazy cat lady as stupid fucker

>>8317384
edgy

Real talk

I have a slightly above average man-shaped looking and I can approach/attract a wide range of women, but still can't going further for nothing, for weirdly several reasons.

How? Did I got cursed because I was a Cruzada soldier in the 11th?

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I keep thinking ''what do I want out of life?''
My parents pay for my apartment. I don't work. I don't really have any interesting hobbies other than occasionally reading and buying books. I don't leave my apartment, talk to anyone other than on 4chan and I don't feel crippling dreads from loneliness. I've never gotten laid but I don't care for sex, as it's only a need that quickly goes away once I'm done fapping.
I'm happy living as a hermit eating somewhat healthy food in an Epicurean fashion while treating myself to pizza every Friday.
I don't care about people, I don't care about the world, I live in safe place in Canada and it's unlikely anything bad will happen in my lifetime.

I feel that I have truly become Oblomov without the care of telling people that they are wrong for enjoying life and I'm wondering if I'm fine with that despite not feeling anything anxiety over it.

>>8317440
Give me your apartment and find purpose in paying for your own shit.

>>8317440
Oh, and I forgot to mention that I don't care for seeing the world, taking walks in nature, climbing mountains or seeing new places.
Travel doesn't feel engaging.

So what is left?
Is there anything left in life to want if I no longer care or struggle for anything? With no deadline, no rush, no arguments, no opposition or struggle, what is left to want?

>>8317452
I don't see any reason to do any of that.
I placed some money in a few cyptocurrency and it's already bloomed heavily in investments so I probably don't even need to take my parent's money. But I do it because they don't mind, so why bother.

I can't tell if I'm going crazy or having a genuine spiritual awakening. I've lived the majority of my life completely shrugging off the idea of a god as nothing more than a weak comfort for the absurd that was better remedied with philosophy and rational thinking, though purely on a personal level. But the past few months I've been almost consumed by an insatiable urge to study religion, particularly anything related to Christianity, and have had an increasing feeling that there is some sort of external but meaningful reason for it.

I've previously found some comfort in the idea of naturalistic pantheism as a more poetic form of not really believing in God, but even that gives me a feeling of wrongness now, as if turning my attention away from anything other than Christianity is doing myself a grave disservice, and almost feels shameful. I cannot reconcile Christianity with my personal beliefs of freedom, responsibility, and virtue, but nevertheless I've been almost forced headstrong into embracing it, as if I've had my own will taken hostage but am fully aware of it. Perhaps that's just my own mortality and pride resisting what my personal unconscious is willing me to do, but I also fear that I could be blindly walking the first steps of mental illness.

>>8317507
>I can't tell if I'm going crazy or having a genuine spiritual awakening

Why not both?

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>>8317507
God is just another word for causality.
Understanding that solves most of the issues and discussions about God. I feel you about pantheism being a more poetic form of not really believe in God. Richard Dawkins once said that pantheism is just sexed up atheism and I agree with him. However, I prefer pantheism as it gives a more detailed worldview than just grouping yourself with a label that says 'I don't think God exists'.

God is nature because causality is nature in all its components.
When people pray, they are hoping that a sentience that can manipulate causality will manipulate causality in a beneficiary way to them. The same premise can be applied to similar abstract concept of manipulation of causality such as karma.

Understanding that God is another word for causality has made most theological viewpoints boring. Everything is just so boring. Why are most people and problems so boring?

>>8317491
Well, it was worth a shot. Anyway, nothing is inherently meaningful obviously, but I enjoy all forms of art/entertainment (books, music, tv, anime, comics, vidya, etc.). There's enough of that to last you a lifetime if you can get pleasure out of it.

>>8317537
I definitely get what you're saying - that's actually a decent summary of how I felt up until recently. And the fact that prayer is nothing more than an attempt to manipulate the natural order of things for selfish gains has been the most difficult part to reconcile after coming to that realization from The Golden Bough. But despite my own grievances, I've felt an uncomfortable draw toward a very basic and humanistic idea of God since it began. Perhaps not to the extent of a fully anthropomorphic being with a singular and transcendental consciousness, but certainly much more embodied than a humanized veneer for mechanized nature.

At least in my experience, spiritual revelations point in the opposite direction. Away from knowing God as a singular transcendental entity and toward the not-knowing of a being that is synonymous with the entirety of materiality. So there is a sort of dissonance within me, with my conscious ego pointing out how regressive it seems to abandon my current understanding for a 'personal' God, but a deeper and more unconscious aspect of my psyche keeping up its manic pace of seeking that exact thing, having commandeered my morality to see my previous understanding of a more metaphorical God as blasphemous and wrong.

>>8317608
Although, rereading your post, maybe your last line answers why I've felt like this. Maybe I've just tired of the pantheistic approach on a fundamental psychological level, and my unconscious is attempting to fix the problem by bringing me to a more exciting and interesting idea, of God as an actual sentient being. But if that's the case, I suppose my response should be the same as if I take this to be a genuine divine revelation. If I ignore it, the only possibilities are the return to a blander conception of the world, or ignoring the divine orders of God and being stuck in a permanent state of bad faith.

>>8317599
>There's enough of that to last you a lifetime if you can get pleasure out of it.
I do find pleasure in that, and the fact that this is possibly the best time in history to indulge myself in this type of leisure is what is giving me these doubts.
Is living simply to enjoy entertainment and art a reason to live? Is there more to live if I've removed everything else?

Art is a selective re-creation of reality according to an artist’s metaphysical value-judgments. Essentially, by experiencing art, I am experiencing life without living life myself.

Is experiencing life by not experiencing it directly enough?

Does a person who's read a lifetime a books and done nothing else know more about life than a person who lived a limited life in a cubicle?

Everyone's an idiot, it's just a matter of opinion on how much.

I'll have that engraved on my tombstone. I don't think I've had a better idea or thought in my life.

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>>8317648
This is a misconception, I think. Art is part of life, and in many ways the best part. There's also something to be said for seeking out interesting people, but they're quite rare. Feel free to join the Peace Corps or something if you want, but I doubt you'll have any revelations as a result.

I'd say that those "metaphysical value-judgments" are what make art interesting, not the reality they influence. So if you want to live more deeply, instead of trying to experience things, just create art of your own.

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>>8317690
My view on people is that people have 5-6 life stories, a few interesting metaphysical views on life and existence, criticism view on certain TV shows and movies, a funny attitude until it becomes repetitive and a limiting pool of facts and trivia.

Once that becomes exhausted, a person becomes boring. A no one wants to interact with a boring person.
Everyone is disappointing the more you know them. Relationships is a race on both sides to solve the riddle of who can understand the other and become bored of them first. The first one to have exhausted anything to communicate to the other loses. I don't know if it's a cynical or limited view of human relationships but it's the general feeling people have when they meet others for an extended period of time.

Perhaps the goal is to find interesting people who exceed that limit but they are so rare. My goal is to remain someone who will remain engaging and interesting for as long as possible, so that I may not be thrown away as I do to others. Who knows.

>So if you want to live more deeply, instead of trying to experience things, just create art of your own.
The problem is that I have no talent and nothing to say, so I would rather not try at all. I've had some random worthless ideas of making analytical youtube videos on anime but I don't even see it as being worth it.

The purpose of art is, similar to life, to make people experience reality and make them realize of certain aspect of it. But I don't care to make people understand life, so why bother?

All I have left is apathy, and apathy is death.

Would you write a book that can change the world if you don't care about the world?

>>8317670
Sure, but both know nothing about life more than the person who went out and lived life themselves.

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>>8317755
I think it's extremely flawed to view people as merely a source of entertainment. In my view, the purpose of relationships is for people to be able to understand each other and maybe alleviate each other's suffering. Perhaps that's where we differ, I care a lot about people (in the abstract at least, it's a difficult thing to translate into real life).

>The problem is that I have no talent and nothing to say

If no one who felt like this ever wrote anything, Aku no Hana wouldn't exist and my life would be considerably worse. Try to make something authentic, do it as well as you can. I'd certainly be willing to read it.

>to make them realize a certain aspect of it

All it has to do is convey a feeling.

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>>8317755
>Everyone is disappointing the more you know them.
Here's a bit of wisdom ı got from the Sniffing Slovenian: "The minimum definition of the real for Lacan is that which resists symbolization."

In other words, quit trying to chop everyone and everything into easily digestible bits and then you'll be capable of connecting with something greater than yourself. There's already enough philosophy books filled with generalizations, ch'know? And searching for the unexpected is self-defeating.

>>8312215
I'll snibbity snab that copy off your hands.

>>8317507
>I've lived the majority of my life completely shrugging off the idea of a god as nothing more than a weak comfort for the absurd that was better remedied with philosophy and rational thinking, though purely on a personal level.
And when you find out that you were a moron, you'll swing the other way completely, forgetting that there was such a thing as being an atheist without being retarded, and you just haven't tried it

That said, I was no better when I came to the faith

>>8317418
Except it's true. If op is telling the truth they're retarded

>>8318738
No, you're just very pretentious and take yourself far too seriously.

>>8312108
Cerebrospinal fluid.

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I'm meeting with a very close childhood friend in the next few days, but I have no feelings for him anymore. What am I supposed to do? Pretend? Is there something wrong with me, or is there something wrong with the canon?

>>8312155
I like you.

>>8312108
My life is pretty good tbqhfamilial

>>8316286
this is really cute, loving you pet is no sin

>>8312108
I see a hole in the sky. I want to go in. Swim, swim in the sky. Swim like a bird of the sky. I want to leave, I want to die and be borne to the sky. I want to live, I want to die in the sky. I want to change, I want to move, I want the thrill. Nobody can hold me back, as I have wings. Always have. I want to move, I want to run. I want to run in the sea of hate and move and elevate. I want it now, I want it bad. I've been running in circles, squares and tunnels. Now I'm running a straight line to the sky, can you see me now? Look at me fly, I'm free now, I'm free now.

>>8312108
Should I start taking those meds again?

>>8318994
When I took SSRIs, I just felt dead inside. Not sad, but I didn't see the point of living if I wouldn't be able to feel anything. I'll never take them again.

>>8318962
cheesy

>>8318994
I visit a therapist and she diagnosed me as clinically depressed but we never talked about meds. I kinda want to ask but I don't want to seem like an idiot that thinks pills will fix his life up or something. I'm in Europe and only 19 years old if that helps but it kinda makes me wonder because I've got to appear like some seriously fucked-up kid.

>>8318753
Okay whiteknight, read the post I replied to, then reconsider what you said

>>8318928
Get laid

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>>8312108
What'd you think of Serial Experiments Lain?

>>8319016
Most pills have some serious and potentially far reaching side effects as far as antidepressants go. It's not something that anyone in medicine is meant to say (mostly because doctors don't like to believe they prescribe anything dangerous and throwing pills can make them feel better) but it's true.

If you absolutely absolutely need a break you might get some BZs and aside from being very hard hitting and p addictive they're fine. They'll also muck up your neurotransmitters for around a year but thus is often subtle and won't affect you beyond a seconds round of BZs not working so well if taken soon after.

>>8319007
I just had diarrhea. I felt ok tho. I stopped in order to see how I'd function. I'm not sure if I'm ok.

>>8319016
A small dose of Zoloft could be ok.

Reading Myth of Sisyphus. Camus writes that keeping the absurd alive entails two things: awareness of the absurd as well as revolt against life's inevitable conclusion. Although I'm much more lucid than I have been in years, my lucidity is fleeting, and it's frustrating to constantly grasp at it.

nigger

I've been telling myself I've been happier lately, and I don't think I'm wrong the past is close enough to still be a reminder of how bad it used to be but this comparative happiness seems to miss the point of a real one and I feel like what I have to be a fraction of anything substantial or total, and that really it's a comparative sadness, to the majority, I have on the whole, but less so much now.

>>8319117
>>8319112
Been thinking something similar too, thanks.

I wanna read Moby-Dick but if ı do ı won't catch up to my writing schedule. Damnit.

>>8316286
sounds like you desperately want a real child but settled for a cat

I've come to realize that while I excel at technical writing and shitting out research papers I am awful at any sort of structured creative writing.

I'm full of ideas and had considered taking up free verse poetry but I don't want to learn meter and such. Everything I want to write is super descriptive but I lack the vocabulary and overall ability to put that into words.

>>8312278
Time by yourself will make things worse, without a clear concrete plan at least. Time spent idle is often when the negative thoughts come in waves.

>>8319303
Do it anyway.

This Bulgarian folk music is good

>>8316895
This is literally the worst fucking bait I've seen on this board yet three people bit right into it

>>8312215
what train route? if you're really going to off yourself after reading a book on a train, please consider the orient express routes. it should be easy to get dead in turkey rn.

Lately I've been having nightmares about my grandfather dying. These happen 2-3 times a week. He's an old man now and I've been noticing him deteriorate mentally and physically for at least the past two years. I don't know if I can handle the real thing when it happens.

>>8318029
>quit trying to chop everyone and everything into easily digestible bits and then you'll be capable of connecting with something greater than yourself.
I see. Thank you for your viewpoint.

Everything is wrong.

The only thing I can do is pretend that it's funny.

Whenever I see the people acting as collectivists, or what is considered online as 'SJW', I wonder if Ayn Rand wasn't just right about everything.
When I see a video of a black person asking a group of white people to give him money for what their ancestor have done to his race, and them following through on that demand because of guilt or acceptance, how is this exactly not what Ayn Rand described?

Today I started drinking at 9 am after bussing to the supermarket then going to Burger King and stealth pouring my beer in the cup then I got another two buses more beer and walked 2 km or so to sit on a bench by the ocean secluded and drank myself into a stupor I then walked to the top if the cliff I was planning on jumping off but I am a gigantic pussy bitch so I walked a few mms to the liquor store and all the way back and got drinker then took 40mg of Valium I was standing right in the edge jumping up and done doing run ups and stops extremely frustrated at my lack of courage but man it's scary I hate heights and this is like 110 meter sheer cliff onto searocks but all the doubts enter like shit what if death isn't he end what if it's extremely painful what it's going to feel like the impact will it be instant what happens after death nothing? But I already came into existence before so what's to stop it happening again anyway so I broke into an abandoned mansion and explored around into this weird basement crawl space put some wood down and sat there drinking and listening to musin at this point my mom was getting worried and calling me because I just recently left he psych ward anyway I didn't pick up then sent some slurred text like I'm fine ex but then she's like have you been drinking when one of the conditions of me moving back with my parents was I couldn't drink anyway I missed the last fuckijng bus after trying to sleep in the basement crawl space but it was so cold I was just laying on wood no blankets or anything so then I decided to walk home which meant down the hill then about a 6 km walk to another hill and then all the fucking way up and over that one till I finally made it home my legs are fucking killing me I made it home like 3 am and came in without waking anyone but now I have no Valium for a few days and I'm addicted and my hangover is going to be killer tomorrow I might take seroquel for the anxiety I don't even know I should if just fucking jumped and ended it I am so depressed this world is misery on top of misery

If my parents threaten to kick me out tomorrow I'll have to tell them what I did like extort their sympathy and worry for a place to stay I have literally nowhere to go I wish I had a shotgun I'd blow my fucking brains out literally right now

>>8312215
Well if you feel that death is your best option then that's on you and I wouldn't mind getting a new book.

>>8320245
Death is boring and never the best option.

>>8320352
How would you know? Have you died? It isn't that death is the best option but if it's his choice then it should be respected.

>>8320366
Death is lack of awareness to reality. If you think there is something after death, then it is preferable to just kill yourself immediately to experience it.

>if it's his choice then it should be respected.
I don't care nor respect his choice as there is nothing courageous or noble from dying.

Balls are itching but I can deal with that. Hopefully I can borrow my roommate's towel because mine haven't gotten here yet; I've just been letting myself airdry in the bathtub, seeing I don't have anything to do yet. He's sleeping right now, but I wanna grab some food.

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>>8312215
You keep talking about death as a 'valid option' just like anything else, but can you elaborate on this feeling? Do you believe in an afterlife?

Suicide gets painted in a sort of romanticized, 'end of the suffering' way by most of society, but the more I hear from suicidal people it seems a lot more like a lack of feeling or caring about the world around them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6X2dCkOI6LY

I feel like this^ clip sums it up fairly well, but i want to ask is this how you feel as well? If you're still hanging around this thread I'd love to know.

>>8312108
I was just thinking that we should all love Lain upon seeing this thread.

>>8320491
If there is an afterlife, there is no such thing as death. ''You don't die, you just keep living!''
It's boring. Everything about the afterlife relies on not dying.

>>8312855
> I'm realizing that I'm here just for the sake of challenge, to prove to myself I can excel in a field reserved for genius and prestige, and I have and I no longer care for it.

If you're content with the things you've accomplished, you should seek out a new passion and pursue that with the same fervor you had with your scientific career. Life is too short to spend time in a career you hate, no matter how you used to feel.

Also while I can't personally relate to your sexuality crisis, I'd recommend opening up about your homosexuality to your partner, I've got several gay friends, and they all say that coming out was a huge relief for them, so I say take the plunge.

I know I'm a few days late but if you're reading this, I hope everything works out for you.

Why did no one respond to my favorite poems thread, very dissappointed with /lit. Did I not make the body of the OP tantalizing or brutal enough? Is /lit just a bunch of retards who never actually read any poetry? How come whenever I get positive hopes forba person or group of people they almost always let me down.

>>8320491

Hey, found my way back on the thread to answer your question. I ride the line on the whole concept of an afterlife, and if there is one, it's almost certainly nothing like we attempt to understand it as. Postulations on the afterlife are incredibly human attempts on establishing and understanding the essentially nonhuman.

As for the clip, it's a pretty good representation of how I feel, but it's not entirely complete. For most people, they have distinct memories of when they didn't feel suicidal, and for me that isn't the case. I remember going through stages of depression and anxiety and loss, but almost no experiences of feelings before those. In that way the lack of want in those facets doesn't feel 'wrong' to me, it just feels like a natural progression of myself.

Also, sorry to everyone in the thread for being such a fucking bummer. Here's a super calming video of some dude in the wilderness building and planting a sweet potato patch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTcXhYHmOx8&ab_channel=PrimitiveTechnology

>>8316116
What happened to you?

>>8317608
Why Christianity, why not Judaism, Islam, Mormonism? I have no sympathy for believers of the Book. I sympathize greatly with spirituality, but not with Christians (etc.). All my experience shows me that theirbbelief structures are irrational, and largely serveb to support an internal superiority, egoism, and narcissism.

>>8320608
"post your favourite X" threads are as bad as survey threads because people rarely respond to other posts. they come in, post what they have to post, and leave.

>>8319908
That sounds intense anon, what put you in the psychic ward?

Pretty well written. Have you tried meditation? That helped me a lot with my anxiety. You sound like you are in a situation where you really need to take responsibility for yourself. There is no more running away. You are right at the edge. Are you not taking your situation seriously?

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Seems like ı can't make the idea of male asensuality fit inside my brain, so as a counterpart to Her asensuality ı'll have to be content with making Him bisensual; fair enough as the character has grown into a Jesus/Dionysus-type of dying god, and an intoxicating Lord (think Shiva) would fit to an extent. I don't want to fall into cliches of beauties taming beasts, but then that is the only logical conclusion of Their relationship. The earrings are a cool detail. Mythopoeia is hard. I hope /lit/ notices me. I hope ı don't choke and can make the writing routine fit into the classes' schedule. Thank God XIX century literature had Wuthering Heights and Heart of Darkness, that's two birds. I wanna watch more Shinkenger. These torrents are taking forever.

>>8319760
Glad to be of service.

>>8319776
"Vast emptiness,
nothing sacred."

>>8320608
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj4nJ1YEAp4

>>8320618
When you say suicide is a 'natural progression' of yourself, is this based on society's expectation that life without a passion or purpose is no better than death, or is this a conclusion you yourself have come up with? If so can you describe your thought process, I'm wondering why self-destruction specifically seems the appropriate course of action, instead of just continuing on without a purpose, content to exist and observe?

>>8314289
move on, you only miss the good moments
>>8315222
this guy gets it, love is a meaningless buzz word conceived by the romantics

>>8320709

You misread. The lack of want is the natural progression of myself, not the act of suicide. I suppose you could also say that death is the natural progression of any person, whether it be natural or forced, but that's not what I meant to say.

Even though lack of want doesn't naturally progress into your second question, I'll attempt to answer it anyway. It's impossible to observe on the world without interacting with it. If I could observe without interaction, you'd be entirely correct-- The action of suicide and the inaction of observation would be equally valueless, it would just be a matter of personal preference. As for me existing in its current state, it is malignant. I actively harm people through my existence, even if only subtly (even reading the worry of some people on this board, you can begin to piece that together for yourself). It's also why I want my suicide to be as unrecognizable and unattached from intimacy as possible (leaving on pretense, then dying where no one can know me/find me).

It's also to do that I've read a lot of Cioran and agree with his ideas on consciousness being malignant by its very nature.

>>8314289
did you sleep with her while you were together?

>>8314248
you said it bud

>>8316840
self belief/confidence is incredibly effective, faking it can get you far in life

>>8315745
A shame you seemed an honest maaaan

I'm pretty sure Gravity's Rainbow was intended to be read stoned.

>>8320916
So it's not just a lack of purpose, but a feeling that your existence is a detriment to the world. If one of these factors were removed, either via living a passionless life that benefits others, or finding a passion that only majorly benefits you, would you no longer feel the need to kill yourself? Or would both factors have to be removed by living a satisfying life with a net positive impact on others?

Why does Alan Watts seem to be right about everything?

Not going to college right out of high school was probably the biggest mistake of my life. The worst part of trying to stop being a complete waste of life is having to confront what a complete waste of life you've been up to that point. I haven't wanted to kill myself this much in a long time.

>>8321258
>not getting a job that pays the bills and pursuing a passion for the long term with the huge amount of free time you have instead of cucking out to college in your 20's
you deserve everything you get

God made man for He wished to be man
Man killed God for He was not them
And in God's death, He was made mortal
He was made man

>>8321379
Dude, god is death and we are god but also man!

>>8320705
>Vast emptiness

"Wrong things don't exist." Sorry, I'm not willfully retarded.

>>8320705
Scrolling past that image is like a flipbook, I like it.

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Ah, thought ı was close to something new there, but then the sense of it vanished. Where is the way to go now? Being groundbreaking seems impossible.

Wanna sleep. Gotta finish reading one more chapter.

>>8321659
Come again.

>>8321689
I really like the angle.

My leopard gecko died today. He caught some sort of disease from me, didn't eat, and when I tried to force feed him he freaked out, writhed around, and then died. I realize now that he was fine up until the point he opened up to me enough to lick my hand, at which point he was doomed. Literally, his death came from trusting me.

I am reminded of a series of dreams I had, in which I was scythian sorceress who brought pain and death everywhere she went, but never on purpose. There is some fundamental psychic truth to the fact that I am a bad penny. I can cry for the death of other living things but what good does that do when I'm the cause? It's just selfish profligacy, an indulgence.

I tried to get drunk but got bored of it before I managed. I lit incense, for what reason I don't know. He's buried in a cardboard box, with his favorite hide covering him, and the artificial plant he liked. I didn't perform any sort of service.

Trying to distract myself with cheap tricks, since I can't hold my focus long enough to read. I was going to read another 100 pages today, I only made it to 25. I am a monster. I don't even want anyone to recognize my humanity anymore. I just want to disappear, fundamentally and perfectly. The past should be irrelevant to my future but in practice my future and past are the same, regardless of my choices. I must have the most deformed will of any living creature. But then, my daemon literally is a monster, so that really seals it. Someone poison me. Someone slay me. Someone lead me into town with a belt around my neck so the townspeople can beat me to death with sticks and stones. I am ontologically irredeemable.

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>>8321928
Bierstadt had a tendency to overdo the glorious gilding and such in some of his pictures, it looks a little unreal

Turner did it better

I still like Bierstadt though

My leg hurts. I'm really tired of feeling older everyday. The idea of being aware that, being 23 years old, i'm probably living the best time of my life, totally freaks me out, because it's basically acepting that life is going to be more and more shittier from now on.
At the same time, i'm aware that 23 is the age where, for the first time, you start feeling that is too late for certain things.
So i'm dealing with the lost time, and at the same time, scared about what's next to live.


I'm not a native english speaker. Would you please qualify my grammar? I have an english test in a week.

>>8321938
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGIU0FtXr9o

>>8321928
>Come again.

What do I get?

>>8312159
>>8312165

Well, what are these passions exactly? Short of having to leave your partner behind for an extended period of time, they don't necessarily have to be impossible to pursue, it'll just be a lot harder and require a delicate balancing act.

If these passions are important enough to you that you regret getting married, you probably shouldn't completely ignore them lest you foster resentment.

>>8322006
What do you want to get?

>>8322012
I'll say empty replies, so I can predict what I'll get.

>>8322022
Certainty, security?

>>8322012
A banana split and you beside me for the rest of my life, please.

>>8322032
I knew I was psychic, even though it was just pretend.

I never expect free things to be of substance, so I wasn't disappointed.

>>8322036
Oh babe, our love is impossible~

>>8322038
Do you ever reread your books?

>>8322061
>Do you ever reread your books?

Do you have brain disorder?

>>8322063
I've often wondered that myself.

The flesh of fallen angels.

>>8312108
What a neat way for the government to get people under the impression there are anonymous to spill their minds onto electric page, exposing their true selves to manipulation.

>>8322067
Then it's likely true.

>>8322081
WHOAH

>>8322087
Yes, but do you reread your books?

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>>8322081
Damn...

>>8322092
Does your brain disorder include you obsessing on minutiae?

>>8322103
No, mood swings. Does yours? Are you trying to bond or something? Do you reread your books?

>>8322127
Remember to take you meds.

>>8322138
I don't take meds, but the feeling is nice!

I don't expect I'll ever understand
How life just trickled through my hands

>>8321978

Actually watched the entire thing. Dovetails marginally decently with concept of Jungian shadow. Solzenitzyn reference appreciated. Solid but shallow. Similar to Carrol's "A demon is a godform ignored"

i might hang myself soon. im thinking of 1/16" steel cable.

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>>8315322

theres nothing worth thinking about. thinnking sucks

>>8322335
Sounds painful.

Listening to a Sade B-Side, it's funky, for sure, but it's nothing important, or even memorable, just a little piece of velveteen instrumentation.

>>8312108

It's Tuesday morning, again. It's too often Tuesday morning when I wish it was still Monday night.

>>8322335
Use cheese wire and glue your hands to your head

>>8312108
I've given up on this world. I gave it everything I had and it ripped it to shreds and spat it back in my face.

I've given up on this life. I don't use the whiskey anymore it uses me. When I see a bridge still standing I make sure to burn it down.

I've given up my soul. God made me this way and he made me hate his omnipotent apathy. If the devil wants to trade me a day of happiness for my eternal servitude I would shake his hand and thank him.

Help me.

>>8322393
it doesnt take long to pass out from strangulation. about 30-40 seconds.
>>8322435
that defeats the purpose of hanging i might as well cut my throat and wrists

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>>8312108
"STOP" And then the riff to that song by the cute little fairies band and where is she and holy shit it's hot and the socal fires are bredy close to me whose breathing oh its just little water cooler in apartment innit oh oh oh oh oh marriage and making family is obs hu brekekekekekekkekekekekekekwkk oystrygods and ah Joyce ah I should read read shouldnt I do I really like reading of course I do was purchasing a Kindle a mistake I want the book in my hand but I don't but I like bookshelves oh don't have a bookshelf huh do I wake up oh its getting late juliette huh French name hu I like French girls France France France did Milo minderbinder ever expand his enterprises to France YOSSARIAN LIVES and oh I loved that poor chaplain holy fuck it's so hot it's so hot I'll sleep nude tonight did I feed cat ooohhhhh yes I did and I love her I love my pet animal shelter was nice and employees too were friendly and "I love my family" do I still have that Fecal Matter remastered cassette of mine shit I need to digitize soon and digital digital media so I like digital media for music and such and books oh yeah Kindle was it a mistake no hmm lights and love and life and those little crazy lights I see when I close my eyes and family is dead and mom and pa and why oh why it's gone so what people deal with worse and equal losses past is prologue and mirrors and Morrissey's autobiography oh yeah it's laying around I'm sleepy not not really my leg and light it's lift and life I'm not aware enough im aware I'm not and never can be fully aware so that makss me aware but im aware of my awareness and its minisculeness and that doesn't change it's minisculeness does it or does it or doesnf it it doesn't does it no it doesnt im not very intelligent and that's fine others who are more intelligent can be intelligent for me and for us all and such and so and such and so is I should end this stream post now time to fill captcha attach unrelated image of choice or should it be unrelated yes first image I see in folder that opens automatically I hate that and click to pozt now

>>8312108

fuck fuck fuck fuck booyakashaa

I love the sheer controlled spontaneity in this thread that is rare anywhere else on the internet

>>8312108
I was once a memer - maybe I was always a memer, only now I could remember how far my memes had really come. At first it was a simple image of a cat, edited to display some prop in a hard-to-believe positioning on or around the cats body. Now, I was constantly reposting cartoon frog faces all over multiple image web sites and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.

>>8312257
Why is it stupid to kill yourself? Is there some "reason" that this negates?

>>8312312
not only does it sound cliche but it sounds malignantly trite

>>8312323
>instead of killing yourself just kill your consciousness

Worst meme ever

>>8320599
uh, im pretty sure anon is a straight closeted trans woman

>>8322514
This. If your goal is ego-death you might as well just kill your body while you are at it. Nirvanna was designed to be the end of the rainbow anyway.

>>8312373
>you need meds

Can this meme just die already? Life-cultism is the most ubiquitous and insidious dogma going. There is no reason people need to take life so fucking seriously, least of all on behalf of other people.

>>8312206
There's a good chance it's too late for you to read this but...

> I wonder if the same principles apply to how we feel about ourselves to the other things which we believe.

I think so. At the same time, you are probably in your 20s and still at an age where your mind is very open to change. In general, I think it's much harder to have a change of heart when you are 60 (though it can certainly happen). So I think now is a better time than any to find your own set of values that are both meaningful to you and help you fit in to society.

>>8312426
you suck and please die any time

I think the most about suicide when I'm anxious. The closest I ever got to killing myself was after the results for my sophomore chemistry class. I felt like I had worked so hard to get into a good school just to fail epically, and there were tons of high speed moving cars. I felt this sudden urge to just jump in front of one of them. It was grossly uncomfortable but it was the closest I ever got to suicide.

>>8312454
>just use your feelings to negate your thoughts like me dude
>my feelings tell me that life is good so I defer to them instead of thinking about if that is actually the case
>Just pickle your brain with positive feelings dude

>>8312359
Religion is fun for the pure reason of meeting people. I don't even believe in God. I just enjoy the community from it. I always liked school. It was rewarding to get good grades.

>>8312454
>implying I don't already openly vent in public because I am free of shame

what if the doctors cant help me and why do people feel entitled to my company
>>8313245
good band

>>8321975
Your English is fine. Near perfect. I think it's grammatically perfect.

>What's next to live
not necessarily grammatically incorrect but just weird sounding.

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Just finished reading Aku no Hana. Incredibly painful.

>>8316706
Why should he? Why should he start investing more into life instead of reognizing that he's already invested too much?

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>>8316848
In all seriousness my dream is to be a self-aware Quixote. Just living entirely as the embodiement of some singular idea presented in a half-ironic format. Not trying to reconcile social compatibility or even personal well-being. I mean I have already accepted aesthetics as the primary thrust for the justification of my own existence, so why shouldn't my dedication to aesthetics thoroughly encompass my entire existence?

>>8317440
>its unlikely anything bad will happen in my lifetime
>facing economic depression under the regime of a legitimate Himbo

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>>8320491
>society romanticizes suicide

Last I checked, they'll make you live at any cost. They even made a series of shitty movies based on how righteous they feel this cause to be.

I'm trying to find the will to study financial law.
That's really the only problem in my life now, outside of having no gf, which isn't really all that terrible.
It's thus far been a solid year and if I pass one more exam or maybe even two I'll have succeeded in what I set out to do, outside reading.
Next academic year I'll have to lose weight, 5-10 kg, and join some Catholic organizations, I study away from home and I'll finally need to start socialising somewhere. Was just mostly reading like an autist and studied when I wasn't reading.

Phase shift me 5pi/6 on this periodic timedisk and I'll be able to sleep well again long enough to remind myself to be miserable when I come back

>>8322654
yeah I never understood that movie. a kid is supposed to become less suicidal after he has the traumatic experience of being put into a death-trap?

>normielogic.jpg

True friendship is when your mates recognize your posts on 4chan

Being an adult is scary.

I'm gonna fap. Is it too early since my last fap? Nah, it's fine, I'm gonna fap now.

Memeocrocy (memocracy?) using memetics to modify(scan?) peoples thoughts/minds and brains to turn them into [big guys] perfect leaders

I spend way to much time getting hung up on what characters look like
[shipname] Just Round Down To 3.14
Casaba howitzers or bomb pumped lasers

I have no idea where to find good music and have so little knowledge in the subject of music in general

I should stop putting off learning how to draw

/lit/'s new collaborative project is dying, I wish we could go back and finish The Quagga Project.

I've had a strange shift in my perception of myself. I've always been a bit of a narcissist, even now I find it hard to believe I'm less than exceptional. Having said that, I had a discussion with my Dad that made me realize I haven't done anything to prove I'm talent or smart or worth anything in years. I can't bring myself to finish a story or song or painting, I've avoided college thus far, I've yet to utilize my brain in any meaningful way yet somehow I'm still convinced I'm some sort of genius. It's strange being aware I'm wrong but unable to believe it.

>>8325218
Talented* Wow

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Everyone assumes I'm haughty or I've got it figured out.

O, I pee my pants :|

>>8325218

nigger, we need to talk, if only for you are me...

how can i reach you?

I've finished my classes, I'm registered for grad school, but I can't bring myself to finish two papers I have left for undergrad. I'm not capable of letting myself phone it in.

I'm forcing myself to stay stuck in this shittyass limbo state, I know why, but I'm still immobilized.

Kill me, or make it better.

I wish I didn't have commitments

>>8312159
That's why I got divorced and luckily, no kids.

I have an essay to write within two days and I can't put my ideas onto a page in pretty prose and gooddammit why can't I write well it's not fair fuck

>>8312108
I wasted a whole month on MMOs and masturbation. Fuck.

I hate clocks.

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It's old, it's modern
It's home, it's dangerous
It's now, it's future
It's cruel, it's civilized
It's made, it's natural
It's clean, it's composite
It's sad, it's fulfilling
It's dry, it's raining
It's real, it's not

>>8322692
>a kid is supposed to become less suicidal after he has the traumatic experience of being put into a death-trap?
yes, this is the normal outcome

>>8328566
what is this

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Cycles of developing the ascetic lifestyle and earning its rewards before slipping back into hedonism.