Whiny Bitch

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I'm a self-help cuck. Maybe it's just because I walked off the job and proceeded to drink Wild Turkey till I felt like shit posting. But here it goes.

I am worried that I am more interested in the idea of being smart than, you know, actually being interested in things, intensely perusing them, and thinking creatively within that given field of interest to thereby smart.

I'll go ahead and save you the memes and say yes I know I'm a god damn pleb, and I should probably kill myself.

I read a lot (just like any other c/lit/fag) and write fiction just about every day. I study poetry. I've gotten my academic research down to a fucking formula. I go on long walks and meditate deeply on life. But I don't give a fuck about any of it.

I feel like I am posturing. Like I only care about being perceived as smart. And whenever anything seems too hard or too time consuming I dismiss myself as lazy or, when I'm really faced with a challenge, like my mental capacities hit a brick wall.

How the fuck do I get over this? Are there any books I can read? Any advice? Or should I just spend the rest of my life reading Russian lit about being a god damned pleb and fucking suck it up?