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What does /lit/ think of my premise?
>hell is like an office job in another universe where each demon is in charge of torturing their assigned human soul and as a reward it can ascend to a godlike form, but lately a decrease in mortality rates left many demons jobless while others keep receiving human souls. Our character Emily then gets involved in a hell-like protest against Death, the owner of hell, who fires them by throwing them into a void. Emily floats around endlessly only to later find planet earth where she is found by Jacob, a 25 year old NEET whom happened to be her assigned human and as a result only he can see her. Because she is slowly dying her powers of telekinesis in earth are limited. The story launches from there with Jacob at first trying to kill her only to later accept her as a partner in crime in an attempt to build their own society.
It is full of dark humor and is kinda edgy but I've already written and deleted countless rough drafts to get to what I have now.
Please tell me what you think and no it is not bait
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>>8161720
Sorry
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Reading this concept alone somehow emulated the feeling of finishing a book you absolutely hated
DO NOT WASTE ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME ON THIS
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>>8161739
What exactly is wrong with this?
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>>8161699
kinda already been done with any comedic representation of hell, anon
most recent example i can think of is that adult swim show where hell is like an office where each demon is in charge of torturing their assigned human, huh pretty similar huh
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>>8161757
I've never heard of that show. Well that sucks. But i guess I can write it in differently? Also it doesn't concentrate on hell that much anyways.
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>>8161699
I am 100% certain I've seen an anime with this exact premise. Stop copying anime and watch more anime. In fact this is literally exactly the same as Eoin Colfer's The Wish List.
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>>8161792
I thought it was decently original. Oops. Also I'm gonna go check out the wish list just to make sure you aren't messing with me
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>>8161699
the description has a few reasonably good ideas (that have been done before, but what hasn't?), but the joining of them feels disjointed and a bit too familiar given recent animes.
You got the deep political/personnel comedy clash of demon office workers, got my interest.
Power fantasy of an invisible girlfriend, which is never made sense to me but others love it.
Slow death, some of my favorites use this but often it come across as forced to add pressure or is irrelevant as death never really comes into the story other them everyone saying someone is dying.
build a new world, interesting, but how thought out is this? I hate it when the plan to build a better world is just break the really bad one, as if no new evil will just take its place. But if their whole plan is to be a new evil it could side step that in some interesting ways. But you would have to add some more details to the motivation, gaining godlike powers is a decent start. Twist points if it was an evil lie to support another evil system under everything else.
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>>8161819
Slow death, some of my favorites use this but often it come across as forced to add pressure or is irrelevant as death never really comes into the story other them everyone saying someone is dying.
Damn this got me thinking, but I guess I now have to kill her if I want to make it much more relevant (which it is)
>build a new world, interesting, but how thought out is this? I hate it when the plan to build a better world is just break the really bad one, as if no new evil will just take its place. But if their whole plan is to be a new evil it could side step that in some interesting ways.
>Twist points if it was an evil lie to support another evil system under everything else.
These are both very good ideas
Thank you for the honest, constructive criticism, i appreciate it.
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>>8161771
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neighbors_from_Hell
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There is no way I could ever believe this is not bait
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I don't feel like the characters are here. I feel like they are just going through the motions, without acting their own destiny or without feeling what is happening to them. Hell thing is overplayed and too edgy, but the surnatural angle makes sense in your own universe, so I don't know. I think you really have to make it work by using your style...
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>>8161792
Kyoukai no Rinne had an episode set in hell. It's a bureucratic, mundane place with supermarkets and dentists.
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>a dark comedy set in a mundane business-like version of literal biblical hell
it's been done several times and is one of the worst things to recently come out of speculative fiction, oh god please somebody stop these stories from coming out
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<- it was written in 1908
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