what does it feel like to flatulate and think it smells like

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what does it feel like to flatulate and think it smells like death and wish the smell upon no one and also to sit in a mirror which spans to the floor and to see your bitch tits sagging in front of you and to have had intense and intimate sexual encounters with women who are far better than you could ever be and to feel sick about all of it and hate yourself and to feel suicide would be an obvious choice if your mother was already dead and she'd never have to hear about it and how is it possible to feel so alone alone and isolated when you make people laugh and they think you're a swell guy but really all you want is to hire a whore to let you fuck her face until she pukes and you get off watching others do this and you paid a fat woman once to do this but you couldn't bring yourself to go through with it so you fucked her for $160 and you hated it and you wonder why all the relatively normal sex you've had seems trivial and what is the point of it all and I'm working on my doctorate in physical chemistry and I'm less than a year our of six from finishing and I think I might go do hard labor after because all this academic bullshit just feels so masturbatory and there are so many people more capable than me that should get priority for these precious resources and the prison system is classist and racist and I like Hemingway and Maugham and Hesse I'm pretty sure and most literature I read is shit but I really have no idea what I'm seeking

reading recommendations?