Post your stuff. Try to critique at least one other person if you post. Don't be an asshole.
Here's a bit of something I'm working on:
In the parking lot there was only one light on and it looked ready to go out at any moment, as if the burden of keeping away the dark was too much for it to do alone. It flickered on and off casting flashes like intermittent lightning. Not that there was anything worth seeing—just construction and dirt where pavement had been ripped off like an old scab for even more construction. It was always like that when I went to punch in. I sometimes longed to be back at my apartment during those moments but gently reminded myself that there was nothing there. If I wasn’t going to do anything I might as well be paid for my time and if my time didn’t matter I might as well work the night shift for the extra two dollars an hour. There were less people on the night shift of course, which I liked. It was almost nice even. Until the rashes started showing up.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UyTGRJ1Lei7PepdWvPD7v_f_oF4mhyWsTPVtS5iLa_c/edit
Aren't you afraid someone will steal it?
>>7720364
Great hook with the rashes thing, but then you go off rambling about other stuff. Do we really need 3 paragraphs about the minutiae of your character's job? Despite all this info about email services, uniforms, the color of his coworkers' hair, etc. etc there's no mention of what he actually does, where he actually works (intetional?). Mess around with the structure of your sentences; you have a strange style that somehow walks the line between being conversational and overwrought.
I dunno, I was interested at first but you just lost me. Tighten it up a bit.
Here's a poem I wrote:
I slipped out for a little while
The air clung tight
to me
It was dark out, but light
somehow
was in the snow
A lone streetlight shone
a cone of light for the lonely
Bone-white was shown
The absence of presence,
snow melting to the point of
mud
Slime less lonely than you, snow.
Melt away.
Barely got past the first few sentences. This is the purpliest of purple prose. Try harder.
>>7722114
You have no idea what people prose looks like.
OP, it's not bad for a first paragraph, though it tends to drag for a bit. I would most likely turn the page to read on.
>>7720364
A couple instances of non-stylistic awkward phrasing and some grammar errors but it's mostly clean. The story itself seems interesting and the style of the prose is fun.
http://pastebin.com/raw/pB4vABxs
Please let me know what you think. Thanks