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Long post, inb4 nice blog. Have to get it out. Do the same Anon, let it out.
>Grow up in third world Balkan shithole
>Parents pretty uneducated, only books we had in our house were the Bible and Sholokhovs "Silent Don" (Might be translated differently fuck off Anglos)
>Go to shitty Elementary school
>Go to even shittier middle school
>Teach myself German, English and currently learning Latin (can read Caesar, so pretty shitty still)
>Read a shitton of Nietzsche ("idol" of some sort)
>Get a BA in History
>Get into Aesthetics
>Read most of the stuff that is in my native language; Hartmann is 185 EUR on bookdepository, literally half of my wage. Baumgarten 92 EUR. Have to take PDFs to random copy shops and make books because I can't afford them.
>Be 27, realize how much I haven't read and how stupid I am.
>Realize Nietzsche wrote "Die Geburt der Tragödie" when he was my age.
>Feel even stupider, not sure if I will ever do something that is worthwhile.
>Read, take notes, read, starve a bit because I have to buy books; work for 8 hours a day as a translator.
>Try to save for a MA and hope a German university will take me, but barely saving anything.
>Try not to kill myself because inferiority complex
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>>10023523
If it makes you feel any better, you've definitely read more than me.
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>>10023523
I'm reminded of the story about Thomas Carlyle, who went without lunch every day for a week in order to each day buy a volume of Gibbon's Decline and Fall, and read it instead.
Don't actually kill yourself until you've definitely failed. Until then, chin up.
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>>10023523
You have pride masked as self-deprecation. Get rid of it and you'll be fine.
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>>10023523
Dude, you are more motivated to learn than about 90% of the world's population if that's all true. Don't be so hard on youself.
My confession
>doing STEM meme degree
>3 years behind due to mental breakdowns and a suicide attempt interrupting studies
>now in huge debt because of extra study years
>currently obsessed with ancient near eastern religion and skipping on project work to read about it
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I don't really enjoy reading or take the ideas seriously; I just use it to pass the time.
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>>10023523
I don't know you, and won't ever, but what I'm reading sounds ambitious enough, and shows a man that propably can't see the forest through all the trees.
You could have it worse, you have a goal in life, don't drag yourself down. There are people who ascend to the heavens from this shithole.
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>>10023523
It sounds like you're doing great honestly. You overcame your shitty parents to be intellectually curious and strive to self-educate even in the face of impoverishment, quite ascetic in it's own way. Surely you can develop your spirit positively, but you're almost going astray. Realize everyone's totality is generally constricted by their circumstance or environment and take pride in the fact you're doing the best you can. Nobody can really ask of you anymore than that, and if you do that you are fulfilling a goodly role on God's beautiful Earth.
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>>10023649
I spent many years studying STEM and now am a nurse
Much better. In my free time I experiment with chemistry and study up on the humanities.
Comfy. Works best when you gave up on friends and girls.
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>>10023957
>Works best when you gave up on friends and girls.
Not sound advice OP
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