Sexuality fucked up by shipping and other mental faps

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I feel ashamed of this because i'm mostly one of the few (if none at all) guys engrossed in it, the rest being females. It goes from mainstream media to anime to /wcg/ comics and whatnot, in the last 3 years i had a huge need to vicariously FEEL (not live, or only slightly, in the "not sexally/romantically involved" areas of my life i'm quite fine) trough the fictional pairing. If the couple does well/becomes canon/gets fanservice, i get all warm, fuzzy and serene. If it can't work, something compromising their "happily ever after" or similiar levels of "delusion-breakers" happen, i get emotionally invested and feel sad, unsatisfied and go trough the stages of grief for days, in the most severe case even a couple of weeks. Strangely, before these 3 years i only shipped hetero pairings, now i accept those but not actively look for them at all, while with gay pairings i can never have enough.
I bring this whole shipping faggotry up because it creates some big fucking problems for me
>unrealistic standards of relationships in general
>HUGE interior conflict about what relationships to pursue
This deserves particular attention. Now if i think of pursuing a girl, my fucked up mind tells me that "it can never be the same as your fantasies, even if she fit all your romantic ideals, she is a girl". If i pursue a boy, the mind tells me "this is fine and dandy, but reality check: do you sexually like this guy? Tought so, girls are hard to beat. Is he up to the fictional standards of your OTP? Not to mention all the social stigma of coming out and just to satisfy your made-up fantasies... get ready cuz i'm injecting you sadness and frustration". [2/3]

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>Self-image/self-esteem/body issues
I know i'm a sad fuck when i feel conscious about my body over some fucking DRAWINGS. They are not the problem by themselves, since i also compare myself to the usual models and what not, but since i've been feeding my obession i've developed a desire for a more lean, balanced, even feminine body, just so that my mind doesn't tell me "You are a fine boy, but you ain't gonna be perfect/deserving of intimacy and sex until you have that fictional drawn body". This isn't only aesthetic of course, it also involves SOCIAL/FLIRTING (in other areas i feel secure of my strenghts and identity) success compared to that of others (both IRL and fictional dudes)
>It's almost an addiction
Almost because i've been fine with prolonged periods of abstinence (like, 2 months before september i just didn't feed my obsession and i haven't had "cravings" at all), but if you were to tell me "you must indulge in shipping anymore" i would be almost scared, like losing a safety blanket.
>Precludes me most forms of media
This is even more shameful to admit, but now i'm almost scared of watching a new movie, series, anime or even fucking books sometimes, because i'm afraid i'll begin just another cycle of shipping, and all the joys and suffering involved. I can't give up on everything fictional because of my fucked up mind, i have to do something about it.
I think a reality check is what i need most now, and i'm trying my best to both live in the moment and increase the time outside the house as much as possible, favouring social interaction most of all. But while this is helping A LOT, once i come back home i don't know what to do or feel, and the mind goes on the whole shipping-mindfuck train again. [3/3]

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What the fuck is "shipping" and why do you sound so crazy and why do my eyes gloss the fuck over looking at this

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There you have it. It feels good to have let it out, since this is a taboo to talk about, even a therapist probably would tell me to fuck off if i went in with such "problems".
Thanks in advance to anyone willing to read the walls of text and advise me, i hope i'll be able to get a better grip on reality with both my efforts at living more real life and your tips about how to not fall in the obsessions. And of course, the main reason i opened this in /lgbt/: to find out if my sexuality is truly being Bi or if i've reached a level of delusion so sad that "fiction turned me gay"
>>8837695
How new are you? Not to 4chan, but the internet in general. By the way, is when you fawn like a teenage girl over a fictional pairing, more or less.

>>8837695
Fujoshit

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I know it's a weird as shit problem, but hasn't anyone got any advice? None of you has ever lived vicariously trough others, even if just slightly and not obsession-tier like me?

>>8837963
Yeah, I keep feeling like I can't be invested in fictional relationships and actually be a man, despite being a nerd, because shippers are 90% female fujoshits and 10% girls fujoshiing so hard they're convinced they're FTM.

I don't want to be mistaken for the latter, but I use obsessive projecting onto male characters (especially in create-your-own-character games) to deal with my crippling real-life masculinity issues, and ended up expanding that to ship fandom because it was what my cis female friends were into, but it's not a thing cis guys are into so I feel like I'm not allowed to be anymore.

>>8838069
Same here man, and i'm glad there's someone here with a similiar issue, since talking about it outside certain sites (let alone IRL) is impossible.

So in your case it's a kind of compensation for a lack of masculinity? Because in my case i'm afraid it's a fictional surrogate of what i want (and am missing) from life: an intimate and caring relationship. At the same time i wonder: is this what i really want or is the "brainwash" talking? Can something like that be achieved in real life or am i setting myself up to unrealistic fantasies?

Then of course, the main problem i described in the OP: i don't "choose" if to pursue a man or a woman because of my whole "no real life serious experience, so my fantasies will have to fill in the gaps... oh wait everything is not ideal, so i can't enjoy the moment"

>>8838370
Yeah, I end up using the male party (or top) as a personal avatar half the time and it's not healthy. They are, inevitably, six foot tall hot blond guys who beat people up for a living.

It's definitely easy for anybody to go into relationships with unrealistic expectations, and I do think that shipping multiplies the issue, especially since most of the shipping stuff I see depicts an idealized relationship. I'm in a happy, long-term relationship with my childhood best friend and I can tell you it's not really like most of the popular "best friend" ships or best friend AUs, which is one of the top fandom justifications I see for people never arguing in their relationship. (It doesn't mean you don't fight. It means being what amounts to an married couple that only ever fights about the same five things over and over.)

But I think everyone wants an intimate, caring relationship, and a lot of people seek that in shipping. The difference for you is that you sound like you are probably on the autism spectrum, so when you're into something, you're really into it.

Just accept that relationships will not be like your ships. They're heavily, heavily idealized. It doesn't mean relationships can't make you happy and fulfilled-- they do. But no one is going to come into your life and become all you ever think about and fix your problems with their dick.

>>8839244
So it's a matter of acceptance... it does make sense because it's been one of my main emotional struggles (to accept reality as it is). I guess it will help then if i just pursue whoever makes me feel happy or just good, male or female, regardless of what mybself-image tells me it should he, right?
A problem i'm afraid it rwnains is that while acceptance is the key in real life, what about my "alone time"? I meab, i could go cold turkey (in a sense i already did for 2 months (see the OP), but triggers or reminders could be literally in every book or piece of media i consume, and above all the problem is not shipping in itself, but me getting overly emotional about it.
In short, i'm tired of being afraid to try new movies books and whatnot because of it, and i'm tired of getting overly emotional over fiction. Any tips about this? And thanks again, you are a kind anon.

>>8839937
Sorry for the typing errors, i'm on phone right now

>>8838069
>shippers are 90% female fujoshits and 10% girls fujoshiing so hard they're convinced they're FTM.
I have a bi cis male friend that's pretty heavily into shipping (mix of les, het and gay) but he's VERY lowkey about it due to the stigma. They do exist. I feel like he's probably living vicariously through it too as he's been single forever.