/lgblog/

>>8828059
I've spent the past few weeks in an intense, depressive dysphoric episode. I didn't go to work and lost my job after taking so much time off sick. Barely eat and spend all my time obsessing over appearance and wishing for death. Will do literally anything to make these feelings go away so made an appointment with the doc, but they didn't help. I don't really want the physical changes that will come with hormones but I'm considering self-medding with a low dose just to see if that makes me feel less dysphoric...maybe that'll be enough to trick my brain. No signs of life getting better so I'm thinking of taking a year out from my studies too, since if I don't get better before next week I'll almost certainly fail my course when I do go back.

Family know I'm depressed but don't know I'm trans so they don't really know what I've been up to or how I've been spending my time (sleeping all the time, few waking hours researching treatment options and reading /tttt/).

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>>8828059

my business is struggling. client wise were doing better than ever and its because of this that we managed to not already fall under in the last five months, but my boss' health is failing and my boss is the product so its hard to sell him when he can't show up to the meetings.

most of our income stems from our trips we take to new hampshire, new york etc. and im even prepared to open a new territory that will balance out our annual schedule and make him just enough of a commodity to maximize our profits, but he can't travel. his legs are failing, his blader is causing issues, and he just can't go on a trip every single month. we havent gone on one since May. Our Los Angeles clients are barely keeping us a float and he doesn't even see most of them in the office because of his health.

at what point am i supposed to throw in the towel and help him close down shop?

in addition to this I'm feeling really anxious about my family. I know they're bad for me but i know if I call them back I'm just going to be miserable.

I also really miss my friend who just moved away. I want him back.

>>8828122
(not op) Just stop reading the bitterhon replies anon.

>>8828135
I fully intend to take a break from this place but I know I can get dysphoric without it. I repressed hard and didn't even come to this board for three years and still had several bad dysphoric episodes during that time.

Everything feels so boring. Hollow. The best part of my life is seeing my boyfriend come home at the end of the day. I love to spend time with him and make a positive impact in his life whenever I can. But I know I'm getting too emotionally enmeshed and it's because I don't have enough going on with my own life at the moment.

I lack social connections to people. I lack any outdoor hobbies that would allow me to practice and refine a skill. I WANT to learn a hobby, but good god I'm not even sure how to go about doing that.

I live in the suburbs, about 20 miles outside of town, and I don't have a job. That's alright, because besides my student loan debt my boyfriend takes care of everything. Soon I'll be back in school and when I graduate I'll be making as much--if not more--money than him and will be able to foot my end of the bill. By then I'll be back in school in a master's program and I'll have structure and a social circle again.

But just getting to that point... Christ.

Fuck Cleveland.

>>8828122
Wowie. It sounds like you are going through a real rough patch. Do you attribute most of your struggles in life right now to your transgender issues?

You ought to seek professional help. Ostensibly (to your parents) to treat your depression. But make sure to mention your dysphoria to the doctor.

>>8828132
Gee, maintaining a business can be extremely stressful. It seems clear to me that your boss ought to retire and you should begin plying your skills elsewhere.

Remember, it's just a job. Even if you are close to your boss, you are not his indentured servant. And your life ought to take priority in your career decisions.

>>8828203

i mean we can sustain my pay going forward, im never losing money or anything, its just becoming a bit pointless because there is only so much i can do without him. even if we 'closed down shop' it'd be more of a reduction. he can still see clients from his home, and without the expense of the office it would more or less balance out. we might have to cut a few more expenses here or there but I'm pretty sure without the office expense we could make it work even with my pay.

but id be getting paid just to be a receptionist at that point and im not really built for that. I need to push forward and build things and create.

I love my life the way it is now but a lot of stuff is changing. I was hoping to use this job to my advantage for another 3 years. I only JUST fixed his business and made it profitable and now its being taken away from us.

>>8828186
Ennui is a suprising byproduct of the hyperstimulating environment we experience in the modern world. Funnily enough, even with endless sources of entertainment and distraction, we often find ourselves unable to find a coherent sense of purpose.

Clearly you need some source of rejuvenation in life. Not having an income can make enjoying yourself all the more tricky. Nevertheless, there is always something you can do to occupy yourself and not waste precious time.

Why not spend some money on paints and dabble in it? It doesn't have to be expensive. Even a simple pen and paper can provide a wonderful means to pass the hours.

Sometimes you have to make your own fun, and find your own way.

>>8828221
Sometimes a crisis presents an opportunity. It sounds like your boss won't be with us for much longer. If that's the case, why not see if you can't position yourself for him to will his assets to you after his passing?

Is there no way you can do what your boss does?

>>8828245

>why not see if you can't position yourself for him to will his assets to you after his passing?

too manipulative, I love the man like a father and wouldn't do that. He's already left me at least 40k worth of assets by saying I Can continue to sell some of his products after his passing, which would lead to 40k after only 100 sells, which is a bit of an udnersell with over 600 recurring clients who would want his collection after his passing.

hes also leaving me a rather famous painting though i dont intend to sell that one, I just like it.

I'm not sure beyond that. he says he wnats to leave me more so im not struggling but hes not good at planning ahead, thats essentially my job and why i asked him to leave me the lectures in case anything happens.

all that being said, he isn't going to pass for some time, he plans to be alive another 7 years. his failing health is making it hard for him to move around and do things but its not put him in a position where death is something to be worried about. basically his knee replacement didn't go well so hes having trouble walking and his bladder just causes a lot of pain, but nowhere near fatal. he might even have more than 7 years left all things considered, hes just reaching a point where he cannot travel monthly.

some of his clients expect me to take over the business but i dont want to dedicate my life to what he does. I could manage his business for my entire life if the opportunity presented because I love the field and all that, but I dont want to be the product my self.

>>8828306
Not to sound like a creep but I think I know who you are. We've talked before off of this but I sperged out.

Am I correct in assuming you are based in Los Angeles?

I feel the need to vent about my feelings, but when I try nothing comes out. I think I'm subconsciously blocking my thoughts and feelings out of fear that if I open myself up to expressing them and really thinking about them, I'll start crying and never stop.

>>8828435
Repression of painful memories is common among traumatics. It sounds like you are undergoing athymhormia, which is a dysfunction of motivation, alongside symptoms of apathy.

Your painful memories won't simply disappear. They are like wounds. They need to be opened and cleaned out in order to heal properly. This means you ought to let yourself cry and confront these difficulties head on. Hopefully with emotional support.

>>8828190
I went the other day, but I got no help with depression and am on a very long waiting list for even a preliminary appointment to do with gender (after going to two different doctors because the first one didn't even want to refer me). I estimate it's at least 18 months until I'll get hormones, possibly longer because of gatekeeping if I don't seem "trans enough". I'm scared of self-medding because they're illegal to import here and I'm scared of getting an impure product but struggling to see another way out - considered just having a frank discussion with a doctor about it but I think they'd refuse to prescribe without RLE. Maybe I need to lie to the doctor and make out I'm really classically presenting trans, I don't know. Parents don't need to know because I don't live with them, I just know they're really worried about me and don't know what's up and I'm too ashamed to discuss it. I hate leaving the house and having to interact with other people but I don't want to be a burden on my family because they already have a disabled child and couldn't cope with me being a non-functional NEET.

>>8828245
>Sometimes a crisis presents an opportunity.
Japanese even has the same word for both: crisitunity!

>>8828489
This does sound like difficult circumstances. I'm not trans myself but I understand that it isn't something you just "work through" by yourself.

I'm curious if what might help you is a caring friend or SO with some degree of psychological sophistication. It seems to me that gender dysphoria can be combated by having a SO or other close confidant who accepts you.

I'm curious, what don't you like about your body? Are you on "boymode"?

It's really hard to talk about. I have so many things going through my mind. If I started talking about them, they would have no context and everybody would tell me I need to get help.

>>8828511
I have a friend that has known for a few years but they hate discussing it because I tend to just repeat the same stuff over and over with no useful progress. We no longer live in the same time zone, never mind the same city, so we've been drifting apart a little, and they've been on holiday for a couple of weeks with no Internet access so I haven't been able to talk to them at all. As far as I can tell, they also don't believe I'm really trans and think I'm a repressed gay. I'm too ashamed to tell SOs upfront and it's unfair to spring it on them later, especially when I'm at a point now where instead of "hey, here's this kink I have", it's more like "hey, here's something that makes me want to kill myself daily". It's a depressing, heavy thing to surprise someone with, you know? I'm stealth as fuck because not being so triggers my dysphoria worse (don't pass for shit), but I think that's part of why doctors don't take me seriously and maybe I need to change my presentation a bit, even though it's likely to make me unhappy and family suspicious.

>>8828551
Well, you can help yourself just by letting it pour. If it makes you uncomfortable don't post it publicly. Just ramble to yourself in a word doc.

Later on re-read it and see if anything makes sense to you.

>>8828463
I'm not traumatized. Just depressed and anxious. You got it right that I'm listless as fuck though. Anyway, thanks for replying.

>>8828562
That really helps, thank you!!

I'll try doing that. I forgot that typing it in a word doc helps a lot.

>>8828556
Maybe you should try with a different friend. But you have to take the initiative not to wallow in your own isolation and meet people.

No matter what you are going through, it doesn't make you unlovable or unworthy of companionship. Everybody has their emotional baggage or "cross to bear" if you will.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRYZijLZR-Q

>>8828575
Good luck! ;)

I have no idea how people "adult". I can barely fake being able to stand talking to people for more than a few minutes, never mind hold a job. There's so much shit I want but i know if I get a job I'll be happy for a month or two and then slowly I'll feel the urge to kill myself more and more each day.

I just genuinely don't get how people wake up 5/7 days a week and head into a job they'd rather not be doing all so they can keep a house with someone they hate more and more each year. If you don't enjoy living then why live?
Of course I'm projecting, and really speaking about my self.

I feel like I'm missing something, because to me it's a catch 22.

>>8828582
>implying I have other friends

Part of why it's so bad is that I'm lonely, I guess. Literally the only close friends - heck, the only friends full stop unless you count very casual acquaintances - are this (now) Internet friend and the people I live with. Both of those two kind of know, but not the extent of it or enough about my history - one of them has a crush on me and is absolutely not a "neutral" person to talk to, the other only moved in recently and is moving out soon too (exchange student). Both of them are visiting family at the moment, so I'm effectively living alone until term starts. I drifted apart from all my HS friends except one after I graduated and never managed to make new close friends at uni, just a few people I could say hi to in the corridor and nothing else. I really want to get through this and at least put in the effort to be social next year, regardless of how I feel, but I'm on a very competitive course and without meds or any help I just don't feel able to cope. I'm speaking to my adviser tomorrow to discuss whether I could defer or switch courses, anything to stop me failing or dropping out entirely.

Older relatives say my studies should be my priority, but then they also say that these should be the best years of my life, last years of freedom, etc and I'm so, so conscious I'm pissing away my precious few years of youth and beauty on being both a social and an academic failure who always says they have "no time" for a relationship. It feels like there's just so many things I'm expected to be doing and I can't do well at even one of them, never mind all of them - work, studies, basic self-care, social, relationships (I did at least manage okay with the first three for most of the year, part of the reason I was socially isolated was that I was working nearly full-time in a solitary job on top of studying, but I just fucked up a good internship by going AWOL and I don't think I can recover from that).

Nice song.

>>8828620
That's you projecting and the depression talking. Most people don't hate their jobs that much, nor are most people tied into mortgages in a marriage they hate. Especially at (what I guess is) your age, if you hate your SO or flatmates you can break up or move out.

>>8828620
In what way would a job be so unpleasant?

>>8828735
Just knowing that the majority of my day for the majority of the week will be spent waiting to get home. Work isn't enjoyable, I'd rather spend my time talking to my loved one or drawing or playing games.
And i get that *everyone* would rather spend their life doing shit they enjoy, but what I don't get is how they put up with the soul crashing day-to-day anyhow. For me, when it goes on long enough I genuinely start to consider offing myself.
Need money to live but what's the point in living if the majority of life is spent unhappy?

reading over this i suppose the issue is I've never felt important or fulfilled in a job. Maybe I should write shit down more often...

>>8828791
Find work you do enjoy and that do fulfill you?

I keep a collection of posts I have made. This is one of them.

I was in repression until 22 and didn't get to meet guys, date or have sex. I will soon turn 28. Sites and apps have failed as anyone under 35 filters out over 25. It upsets me a lot that I never experienced young love and now I'm bald,blocky, hairy and looked at like an old man. There is a stigma against single people. If you are single and older then there must be something wrong with you,you don't have friends or hobbies and your personality is undeveloped. These are the things that have been said to me about me or others. We really are judged at appearance first and personality later. I'm not obese or unclean but I have been called ugly. When I tried to put myself out there the only attention I got was from men that clearly do not take care of themselves. Some even admitted that they tried to go gay because they failed with women. All of this has made me feel like I'm just trash and the last option for desperate men.

>>8828232
Ennui is the perfect word to describe it. Thanks for the suggestion on something to do. I'm not good at painting but, hey, what else would i do with my time?

I'll also go see if the LGBT center at the nearest city has anything I can help out with.

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I'm mtf tranny in boymode who got himself a hairstyle like pic related and is happy af
/blog

really have come to terms my crush doesn't care for me in the last week with the help of a friend. Feels lifting but also super awful

have a boyfriend who loves me but i dont love him and for that reason i think i need to break it off

its sad because back to being alone for me but its better that way.

>>8828685
>so conscious I'm pissing away my precious few years of youth and beauty on being both a social and an academic failure who always says they have "no time" for a relationship

You'll drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking that way. Don't make yourself the villain here.

Honestly a little time off to take care of yourself is not out of the question. You're human. You aren't being forced to build Rome in a day. Just make sure your own issues are sorted out before you take life on.

>>8829286
I am dealing with same issue actually. I feel worse for him than myself.

Being alone is so much simpler. Why can't I just suck cocks and kiss boys carefree without the drama and consequences?

>>8829304
I feel worse for my bf too...
The problem is i've come to know his self esteem is awful. he'll take it so badly and im pretty afraid of that but it needs doing because im really just not interested in that way and he could be with someone who loves him how he should be loved.

Dont know why he even likes me this much it barely makes sense when i think about it. Probably more going on than I know about.

>>8829313
I've come to find that insecure gay men will try to impose their vision of an ideal bf on whoever you are, disregarding your needs in the process.

They guilt you into providing them support and nourishment, and then make you out to be the bad guy when you stand up for yourself.

It's hard to find a sane, down to earth guy who is both attractive to you and sweet.

I can't admit to being gay and refuse to leave the closet, yet simultaneously worry about what I'm missing out on, also I'm 15 minutes from a publicly funded drop in centre that focuses on the mental and physical health of gay males in particular but never plucked up the courage to go, I'm too scared to even take the first step
I know it's unhealthy but I don't want to go through the stress of it all, I'm doing ok right now so why change

>>8829300
A happy mind has serious effects on how others perceive you, it's hard to notice as an individual but if you are confident and happy with yourself others will notice
Mental health is no joke

>>8829350
Ah christ i really didnt ask for this...
im finding that to be the case right now and i really dont know how to look out for it.
Its all been bad relationships for me

>>8828375

hey sorry for epically late response, i was at work. but yes, probably, i post frequently on 4chan

>>8829865
Hah, I just remember we were mutually attracted to each other. But I was living under a rock at the time and my social skills were a bit rusty, so I may have said something awk

>>8829373

The central problem with relationships as I have experienced them is this:

If I can barely make myself happy, how does someone else expect me to make them happy?

>>8830132

wait we talked OFF of 4chan?

hit me up man

kik: lonelybobcat

18 yr old hispanic male,LA,want a chad jock boyfriend who likes going to the beach and surf with me(only thing that makes me happy ,kind of self hating hispanic(more on our culture and additude torwards usa) i guess you can say im "redpilled/blackpilled" on my ethnicity and people...found out recently i was given for adoption when i was a baby by some lady and had all potential fathers tested to see whos the dad(this made me hate my race even more and hated my dad a bit,ironically i always questioned me being their kid and thought i was adopted since i was able to speak) i found out when i went to get my license...i just want a guy to be my friend and lover

>>8830290
Im stuck in a depressed hole and no job due to me being inside all the time, wasted my summer ... Im christian and a drumpf supporter which makes this so confusing

>>8830269
I don't use kik but maybe when I'm bored some night I'll download it and hit you up

I almost know for a fact that we live on opposite sides of the country but I also know you occasionally visit my city.

>>8830524

which city?

email me? the suspense is killing me man we dont need to keep the convo rolling but i gotta know who you are.

[email protected]

>>8830538
lol I'll email you but I need to make a burner account first.

>>8830551

why? im not gonna harass you im just curious about your identity.

etiher way you dont need to make a full new account just use guerillamail or one of those instant emails

>>8830560
Haha I guess I'm just being a goof. Bit sleepy.

Anyway I sent you an email.

>>8830588

already responded