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I'm suddenly afraid that I've misread myself and I'm not transgendered.
My entire life, up until college when I told myself it was a phase, I envied women. I wanted to be one. Most of the time I denied it, but it was true. I wanted breasts, a slim waist, long hair and the rest. Lately I've reconsidered my policy and wanted to go through with SRS, but something happened the past few days and I don't know what.
I remember wanting to be with women and sort of wanting to be them, a weird innate jealousy. Many of the women, in particular on my mom's side of the family, were very strong. Their husbands died young, mostly due to farm accidents though I took it as a sort of a curse of masculinity. I thought about transitioning when I was a teenager, but never went through with it because I didn't like taking medicine, knew it would upset my already tenuous family dynamics and had a stupid anti-surgery view. Besides I was, and still am, nearly six feet tall with broad shoulders and a masculine as hell face.
Some of those early memories that clued me to being trans might just be AGP/kink related. I wanted to have the Little Mermaid cut off my balls and turn me into a mermaid. Forced feminization or stories where men magically turned into women turned me on. Not just the strong female characters, but the men being turned into women as well. I remember, and still do, finding the alpha male types obnoxious and disagreeing with the way they behaved. The erotic stories with women being sex slaves or forced homosexuality turned me off. I'm not attracted to men in the least, although I thought I was in high school.
I'm questioning my trans-ness now because, even though I feel so much more confident when walking around as a woman, I also remember being excited to shave my facial hair and when I dressed as an old man for a school play. In grade school, I asked the choir teacher each year for parts that suited my deep voice.
(1/?)
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>>8816461
I don't get sexual pleasure from dressing as a woman. Before I came out and months before hormones, I stopped roleplaying online and masturbating period. Prior to that, I was jerking off thinking about being a woman 24/7 to the point that I wasn't eating enough or taking care of basic chores/hygiene because I spent so much time in the fantasy world where I was a young assertive teenage woman. Roleplaying as a male felt uncomfortable and wrong on a certain level. At best I'd play a shemale.
My therapist didn't gatekeep me. Neither did the informed consent clinic. Four months into HRT, I'm wondering whether this was the right move.
Help, please. I don't know what to do.
(2/2)
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I'm concerned about how much you fetishized being a woman. Do you actually feel you are a woman and that by transitioning you're becoming yourself, or is it more that you're transitioning to fulfill a fantasy? How much dysphoria did you have about having a male body? Actually liking shaving, wanting to sing in a deep voice, and liking dressing as an old man seem like the opposite of dysphoria.
How much time do you spend presenting female? Do you feel you're just dressing and playing a role, or are you being yourself?
Does taking HRT and staying in boymode seem like an option?
I'd be very careful about continuing if you are mostly transitioning to fulfill a fantasy. If reality doesn't match your fantasy you could be very disappointed. You also need to be sure you aren't giving up things that you'll miss more than you want what you're gaining.
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>>8816538
>How much time do you spend presenting female?
Before I'd spend a lot of time. Now that I've started electrolysis not as much.
>Do you feel you're just dressing and playing a role, or are you being yourself?
I feel like I'm being myself. I'm more confident and generally happier until someone misgenders me. Then I have anxiety attacks. I want to continue, but I'm scared.
>Actually liking shaving, wanting to sing in a deep voice, and liking dressing as an old man seem like the opposite of dysphoria.
It's weird. I remember being unhappy with how it turned out. I also have a tendency to harm myself emotionally, e.g. provoking bullying and the like. I was more excited by dressing up and not looking like myself than being an old man in particular. I've never been happy or imagined myself being happy as a guy, but when I'm living as a woman or imagining myself being a woman I'm very happy. Even when I'm being catcalled, I feel a certain sense of satisfaction.
Thank you for confronting me about that. I wish my therapist had. I will not that whenever I'm clocked I get sad and very unhappy. I've wanted to transition for a long time, but am only now moving toward it. I'm much happier now that I'm transitioning, but finding out how long the process takes and the like scares the crap out of me.
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>>8816570
>Now that I've started electrolysis not as much.
Not as much because I have to grow out my facial hair; it limits the amount of makeup I can wear and leaves my faced fucked up so I'm not comfortable going outside.
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>>8816570
Your response sounds more certain. Your initial post made me feel very doubtful. From your reply it sounds more like you're doing the right thing, but are daunted by how much work it is.
Electrolysis is unpleasant of course. It's slow, painful, expensive, and worst of all you have to grow your facial hair out. It's a pretty dysphoric thing to go through. I'm thinking that once you get farther along with electrolysis you'll feel a lot better.
Are you seeing the effects of HRT and becoming more passable? If you get good results from HRT and get past electrolysis misgendering should be less of an issue and you should feel more comfortable overall.
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>>8816461
>Some of those early memories that clued me to being trans might just be AGP/kink related.
AGP = trans.
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>>8816634
I don't know. Sometimes I think I just want to be emasculate, but at the same time I remember the first time I saw a woman in the mirror I felt so happy.
>It's slow, painful, expensive, and worst of all you have to grow your facial hair out.
That's the thing. I never had a problem growing it out, but I couldn't grow it out when I was in high school because it was a Catholic school. During college when I was super repressed I stopped taking care of myself period, e.g. going months without showering, let alone shaving.
Maybe I was hiding my dysphoria to please my dad and mom? I don't know. I'm confused.
>Are you seeing the effects of HRT and becoming more passable?
Yes. My skin is much smoother. I keep touching it all the time. My cheeks are getting plumper. I touch them a lot.
>>8816650
For a long time I didn't believe in the Blanchard typology, but now I'm scared that I fall into it. That I'm just some pervert and not a transwoman. It freaks me out.
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>>8816700
Okay, let's say for a moment that blanchard was right
do you know what his typology was? It was the two distinct classifications of transsexual women. AGP and HSTS are still trans, just different kinds of people. Neither of them say "you're just a pervert".
The things that made you guess your transness are super small. Like, playing a part? It's whatever. People do that all the time, regardless of whether or not they actually want to be it.
It's also possible that you just kinda wanted to convince yourself that you were a man after all because being trans is intimidating
As for deep voice, there's nothing wrong with wanting to sing the best you can. Laura Jane Grace from Against Me! is a great example of this- she kept her guy voice because she likes the way it sounds for singing. Doesn't make her less trans, just means she doesn't give a fuck about societal views on what she should sound like.
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>>8816700
>That I'm just some pervert and not a transwoman.
No no anon you've got it wrong. It means there's no question you're trans.
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>>8816700
>That I'm just some pervert
Just accept you're a pervert anon. It's much better than denying it.
Am sure soon you'll find other perverts like yourself.
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>>8816461
Cis women fantasize about having messed up things happen to them too.
AGP is a fundamental aspect of a cis woman's sexuality.
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>>8816743
>It's also possible that you just kinda wanted to convince yourself that you were a man after all because being trans is intimidating
That sounds about right. I read about transwomen being forced to live as a woman for one year before getting hormones when I was very young. The thought intimidated me. Maybe I was trying to prove to myself that I was a guy when I wasn't.
I mean, I used to show off my beard and pretend I had a huge dick, but even when I was complimented on that stuff it didn't mean much. When I roleplayed as a woman, I felt more confident than as a man. Often when I did roleplay as a cisgendered man online I felt bad or somewhat guilty afterwards, even if I managed to get off. It was much easier to feel pleasure and be confident, even if I was bitchy and mean, when I pretended to be a woman.
Maybe you're right...My theory before I started repressing was that I was too weak to go through this on my own and that I needed someone to force me into it, e.g. the forced feminization fantasy. I didn't like the idea of being subservient or controlled, just that of becoming a woman.
>Doesn't make her less trans
True, very true. I would like a more feminine voice. Even though I'm often gendered as female on the phone when I try, lately it's been difficult to move my voice into femme mode.
>>8816762
?
>>8816763
Thank you for the reminder I'm still on 4chan.
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>>8816776
>AGP is a fundamental aspect of a cis woman's sexuality.
I thought it was a result of repression and internalized shame?
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>>8816700
>Maybe I was hiding my dysphoria to please my dad and mom? I don't know. I'm confused.
Hiding dysphoria from parents is pretty common. You usually don't know how they'll react ahead of time.
I wouldn't worry too much about Blanchard. Yes you do fall into the AGP category but that doesn't mean you shouldn't transition. It could be just a way for your brain to cope with dysphoria. Do you find the AGP type stuff is diminishing on HRT? I wouldn't worry about it but it's common for it to diminish or go away after starting HRT.
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>>8816461
>even though I feel so much more confident when walking around as a woman,
Why does it make you more confident?
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>>8816779
>I read about transwomen being forced to live as a woman for one year before getting hormones when I was very young
Ugh, RLE is so barbaric. I'm glad that most sensible places have done away with it.
> I used to show off my beard and pretend I had a huge dick, but even when I was complimented on that stuff it didn't mean much
This is pretty normal tbqh. A lot of trans girls will go through periods of trying to be ultra masc, and a lot of trans guys trying to go ultra femme. It's like trying to go so far into the gender role society wants you to be in so you can attempt to convince yourself. This is why a lot of trans women end up joining the military- nothing more masc than that.
>the forced feminization fantasy. I didn't like the idea of being subservient or controlled, just that of becoming a woman.
this is common as well. Transitioning can be very difficult- it seems like it's just easier for some magical fairy godmother to just make you a woman, or some strong person to just force pills down your throat or whatever.
>I would like a more feminine voice. Even though I'm often gendered as female on the phone when I try, lately it's been difficult to move my voice into femme mode.
Voice is hard, and you will never get really good at it until you start using it full time. You can get better through practice though.
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>>8816782
I think it depends on what aspect of AGP we're talking about
Being made to be super submissive or whatever is probably a bit of internalized shame.
Other aspects though, like envisioning yourself as the women when getting off, is pretty normal.
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>>8816779
>being forced to live as a woman for one year before getting hormones when I was very young. The thought intimidated me.
RLE is still a thing in some places. I'm older than most people here and while I didn't have to go a whole year, I had to change my name and go full time before getting HRT. It took a couple months after my name change to get a referral, an appointment, and a prescription. It was really bad but I survived.
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>>8816804
I thought cis women got off to imagining sex, just like cis men?
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>>8816789
>Do you find the AGP type stuff is diminishing on HRT?
Quite a bit. Mainly because I'm into women. I stopped roleplaying online and lead a more productive and fulfilling life now that I'm not spending most of my time masturbating.
>>8816802
>It's like trying to go so far into the gender role society wants you to be in so you can attempt to convince yourself.
That really feels like what I went through.
>>8816806
It's fucked up and dangerous. I want to be a woman, not a crossdresser. Ugh.
>>8816801
It feels right. I'm more in sync with who I am, I guess? I've still been doubting it because my dysphoria doesn't match up with that of other transwomen and I transitioned late. I'm 28.
In grade school, I didn't want to play sports, was comfortable expressing my emotions and felt more comfortable socializing with women. Then my dad beat into me the idea that that wasn't okay. Instead of standing up to him, I passively resisted by being a feminist--still am--, not eating meat--still don't often--and slacking off in gym. Asserting my masculinity felt weird. I try not to do it very often now that I'm comfortable with who I am.
>>8816823
Most of my fantasies are just about women getting off and going crazy for sex. Lately I'm more into the idea of finding a wife and having kids. That's why I sperm banked.
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>>8816823
I think I phrased what I meant poorly
like, it's considered agp to want to be the woman in a sexual act, whether you're imagining it or dissociating during sex or whatever
but like, that's pretty normal. It'd be weird if girls didn't think of themselves as the girls for such acts.
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>>8816823
Getting off from fantasizing about sex is normal. What's supposed to be unusual about AGP is fantasizing about being a woman during sex. The thing is if you're trans it would make sense to fantasize having sex as a woman at least some of the time. I wouldn't expect fantasies to be limited to the body you have at the moment if you're expecting to change your body.
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Well the whole trans thing is pretty much a pipe dream, the medical technology is just not really there at the current point in history. If you "go trans" you won't really have anything resembling a real cis woman's life, the best you will get is some sort of hijra or third sex life, if you're lucky you can find a little safe place that tolerates your playing dressup, or at worst you'll become a ghostlike recluse. And most of all, you'll bar yourself from reproducing, which you'll probably regret as you get older since what else are you gonna do for 50 more years of life if not raise a family. Males have drawn a pretty shit hand in life especially males that don't like the man sex/gender role and prefer aspects of the woman role. Your best bet for a happy life is probably just to repress and marry some bitch then pour your life into your kids, that'll at least give you purpose. The trans route is pretty shite, like it's really good in theory and it should theoretically be possible to fully or partially transition and have a good and fully actualized life, but the reality is if you do any level of gender-bending as a born male you're probably gonna have a bad time. Well, it may be good and thrilling for the first few years anyway during the honeymoon period
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>>8816925
>what else are you gonna do for 50 more years of life if not raise a family
Shitpost on 4chan?
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>>8816835
But the word loses meaning if you start applying it to cis women.
If all cis men are AAP and all cis women are AGP then why not just call them men and women?
Why make the distinction?
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>>8816969
I don't actually agree with the notion that we should be using an agp/hsts distinction- there's a reason it's not really used outside of the people who created it, and for some weird reason this board.
It's based off of nothing, essentially.
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>>8816969
The word loses meaning when you hash it out to its' logical conclusion. AGP is just feminized sexuality.
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>>8816925
>Your best bet for a happy life is probably just to repress and marry some bitch then pour your life into your kids, that'll at least give you purpose
The deference between HSTS and AGP hons is this. If you are masculine enough to even land a straight girlfriend you probably should just stay living as a normal man.
But truly feminine males have little options, and living as androgynous male or even the opposite gender seems like one of the better ones.
Also Daily Reminders why it's good to deal with your mental issues and hangups early:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6AQ_85U7Q0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaqLG3myKUk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vir9S6GjZ0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F_2NSsFlE8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg2u0qiQ2GU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sDuMsZf7eE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2GxVjNrRTs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO2dcOte8h4
https://youtu.be/Sjng0TSgaSI?t=6m30s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbiAHnjHlHg
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>>8816461
don't trap yourself. transitioning has no proven long term benefits.
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>>8816461
Yet another one has realised the truth.
Transition has no long-term proven benefits.
Don't trap yourself.
If you already have, your best option is to detransition and be proud of being a man.
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>>8817860
Welcome, fellow Cureanon.
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>>8817842
tfw fall into the latter category and never wanted a gf
tfw masc4masc ruined your chances in the gay sphere too and transitioning is starting to look awfully tempting by around this point
h-help
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>>8817902
AGP here, but not interested nor able to have a girlfriend anyway. Not guys either however, I'm Ace.
Simply realise that transition has no long-term proven benefits.
Look at the citations yourself.
Get the facts.
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>>8817921
>I'm Ace
LOL
>citations
there are none in this thread
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>>8817899
I'm not actually trans I just think you are right.
Cis gays and repressed AGP can be best friends as we unite against homosexuals who try to be women because they are not accepted as men.
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>>8817944
Autism Spectrum Disorders in Gender Dysphoric Children and Adolescents:
https://archive.fo/psaP6
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4396787/
Living between genders, links between autism and gender dysphoria:
https://archive.is/fqGX9
Increased gender variance in autism spectrum disorders and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24619651
Psychiatric Axis I Comorbidities among Patients with Gender Dysphoria:
https://www.hindawi.com/journals/psychiatry/2014/971814/
Personality Disorders in Persons with Gender Identity Disorder:
https://www.hindawi.com/journals/tswj/2014/809058/
The frequency of personality disorders in patients with gender identity disorder:
http://mjiri.iums.ac.ir/browse.php?a_id=2444&slc_lang=en&sid=1&ftxt=1
Sex beyond the genitalia: The human brain mosaic:
http://m.pnas.org/content/112/50/15468
http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0016885
https://academic.oup.com/cercor/article/21/11/2525/275208/Sex-Dimorphism-of-the-Brain-in-Male-to-Female
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>>8817921
>Not guys either however, I'm Ace.
t repressing psbi
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>>8817953
none of these citations prove your claim
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>>8817921
You wouldn't call happiness a benefit?
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>>8819944
>happiness
>if you don't pass
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