Tried watching a video of myself

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>>8791402
Seeing the video is making me want to kill myself. The microphone was a bit low. I had to hunch over a tad to speak into it, which made my shoulders practically explode into the audience. My black dress made my hands look like two giant floating mickey mouse gloves. It was clear I had no hips to speak of. Despite having spent a few minutes beforehand in the bathroom jamming my testicles into my inguinal canal, there was no question about what lay between my legs. I'm lucky I wasn't arrested for using the women's room.

Hearing myself speak makes me cringe. I sounded like every Hollywood depiction of a tranny, the ones that drove me away from transitioning in the first place.

I can't finish watching it. I'm embarrassed for believing my friends and therapist. I don't pass. I'm the freak I was afraid I'd become. Most of the time I'm only into women, but this weekend I'm seriously considering buying a roll of condoms and using them up at gay bars pretending the men banging me from behind are straight so I can cling to what little femininity was left in my feeble delusional brain.

I don't know what to do. Suicide feels like the only option now. It's that or find a way to pay for a Brazilian Butt Lift and massive FFS while earning $30,000 a year. I'm such a massive fucking failure and an embarrassment to the trans community.

>pic related, it's who I'll never be

(2/2)

>>8791402
>>8791409
Yet another reason not to trap yourself.
Don't trust bitterhons!

Seriously. The longer this hell goes on, more and more people will realise. Cureanon is right.

Transition has no long-term proven benefits.
Even if you do pass, in the end it's suffering because you have to fake who you are to stealth.

Dom't KYS. Just detransition, get off the mones, don't fap, and start living. You can make it through this hell.

>>8791431
>Don't trust bitterhons!
They're cis.

>Just detransition, get off the mones, don't fap, and start living.
Then I'd kill myself.

>>8791402
>>8791409
Yeah, no shit you don't pass at 3-4 months, your problem was being a delusional retard instead of being modest and truthful to yourself

>>8791402
>>8791409
All my feels eloquently put into words/5 tbqhon.
Hang in there, kiddo.

Just kidding.
Kys yourself, I'll soon be following you tbqhonest.

>>8791402
i feel like i pass fairly decently, thanks for reminding me to never watch a video of myself and keep my delusions alive

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>>8791431
Or keep transitioning cause you're already half way there and then grow some balls and make more money from creative business ventures.

Spend the money to look like an anime girl. Do it for us, OP.

You'll get those 8/10 guys. You won't have to use gay bars.

>>8791431
STOP LIVING, START FAPPING

>>8791402
>>8791409
tbqhon I'm so sorry OP

>>8791445
I wanted to believe they were right. Now I wish I hadn't come out.

>>8791449
Don't. It's not worth it. Everytime a stranger has referred to me as female in public or said something questionable that they wouldn't say around a transwoman was canceled out by watching it.

>>8791450
>grow some balls
Yep. I winced.

>make more money from creative business ventures.
Pfff.

>Spend the money to look like an anime girl. Do it for us, OP.
I wish.

>>8791468
That's what I was like before I acknowledged who I was. I spent most of my days off work face down ass up.

>>8791492
I'm about to call the suicide hotline. Wish me a short wait time. Or not. Maybe I'm better off dead.

>>8791502
tbqhon just calm down.

>>8791431
>Transition has no long-term proven benefits.
I'd ask for a source, but you've never given one before, so why would you this time?

A couple things

Yeah, you don't pass. It sucks, but it's true- you're a few months in. Your body is going through a puberty, and that isn't quick, especially when trying to undo all the damage of the first puberty.

Your body will change, your voice will get better, and there's a good chance that, down the road, you might become passable. It might take a couple of years, but you've managed this long with the knowledge that you were masculinizing- you can wait longer knowing you're feminizing.

You'll always be your biggest critic. You're gonna obsess over the small things that nobody else does, because you know who you used to be. But you have to learn to love not just yourself, but the woman who you deserve to be.

It's hard, it's painful, but it does get better. I've heard it said that the first year of HRT is the hardest year- you're wanting so much to happen, and it's so slow. You've put so much effort into trying to get to transitioning, and now that it's happening and out of your hands, you start losing control a bit. That first year is a good tie to try and start developing yourself as a person, preparing yourself for the woman you want to be.

>>8791510
This tbbqhon.
Just chillax and let the weed take you to the chill-town.

>>8791502

So de-transition or whatever? Can't you just go go back to identifying as male. what's irreversible that you've done?

>>8791402
>>8791409
Everyone is awkward and unpassing at 3-4 months. So you tried to push feminine presentation before you were ready, ok, it happens.

This is a phase that will pass. I lived through it, so did others, and so can you. I think it's best to ease into feminine presentation once you start getting male fail instead of pushing it early, and take this time to learn about proper female fashion and makeup, work on your voice, etc. Be proactive about your transition, it IS work.

Hold onto those glimpses of yourself. And don't be too critical, everyone is their own worst critic and we of all people are fantastic at picking ourselves apart and finding things to be dysphoric about. (Especially in a video - people don't look the same in pictures and video as they do in 3D, particularly the face since we're used to seeing it flipped in mirrors.

>>8791409

>It's that or find a way to pay for a Brazilian Butt Lift and massive FFS while earning $30,000 a year

I'm thinking about BBL, too. If you're not worried, you could try getting it abroad. Apparently a BBL is ~$5.5k in DR. I'm considering going to DR to see Dr. Emmanuel Mallol-Cotes. He seems to have a lot of credentials, but I have to look into their trustworthiness. From what I've read I'm avoiding Dr. Hector Cabral (at least 8 non-fatal infections), Dra. Agustina Hilario Durán (one death of a UK woman, pulmonary embolism, which may have been partially caused by sitting still on the plane ride back too soon, and infection), CIPLA (where both doctors work), and Centro Medico Constitución (other infections).

I have family members in DR who might know about the safety of plastic surgery there, but I'm embarrassed about telling them why I want to know. That's not to say it's bad though, my father's cousin had what I think was a breast lift over there even though she's likely able to afford it at most if not all surgeons in the US. My own cousin also had an appendectomy today and he's fine, so far. I feel like I'll never be able to see them again after the surgery either because I feel like they would judge me.

My maternal grandparents are the ones who live closest to Dr. Mallol's office, but with them especially, I think they wouldn't like it, even though grandparents are among the most supportive people anyone could ever have. One aunt I think has a 50/50 chance of being supportive of me getting the surgery or not because she was the one who was in the OR for emotional support for the cousin that had a breast lift, but she lives in a different city, in a different province. She also has kids, so even if she lived near the hospital and were OK with it on her own, her kids might not be, or she might not be fine with them seeing me in recovery.

>>8791409
>I'm embarrassed for believing my friends and therapist.
Frankly you should be. The Mystery of Hug Boxing actually isn't a mystery at all.

I'm a cis guy and I get depressed when I see videos of myself too

>>8791759
Fuck you. Go to /adv/.

>>8791730
I know. It's stupid.

>>8791636
That's something to consider. I hadn't though about Dominican Republican. Thanks.

>>8791570
I'll never male fail without a wig. I'm not comfortable seeing my friends as a guy anymore, now that they know. I've directed two short films trans and done interviews as a trans woman. In some ways I'm considering just living with being visible and whoring my identity politics for some measure of fame.

The video hurt a lot because I had a moment the day after when I saw a woman in the mirror. I've been ma'amed in public and am constantly ma'amed over the phone. Seeing myself fail so badly...it destroyed me. I'm better now, but I had to call a hotline. I bawled my eyes out.

>>8791533
Thanks. That's good advice. My roommate has a niece that transitioned young. She said that no one thinks about these things and that her niece goes through a lot of the same stuff as me. We notice stuff others don't. It sucks. I wish I was a 2D anime Ryoko version of myself. She was such a badass.

>>8791409
>pic related, it's who I'll never be
No tranny will ever be that cute slim-build punk girl, I don't know why they let themselves believe that's within the realm of possibility. You should never have expected "cute, petite, pretty, great waist:hip ratio". That was never on the table.

Never.

>>8791799
>I've been ma'amed in public and am constantly ma'amed over the phone. Seeing myself fail so badly...it destroyed me.
You can thank the current insane trans rights movement for this, you know. If they hadn't created a climate of fear where you can get fired for misgendering and publicly excoriated for disagreeing with the official narrative, people would be much more comfortable with telling you the actual truth instead of feeding you these feelgood lines. But now they have to do it for their own safety, and of course, ultimately the victim is you.

>>8791830
True, but what about the phone? They have no problem asking me extra security questions once they know my male legal name or ma'aming me before then.

>>8791844
It's perfectly possible to have a feminine voice, in fact I know a guy who's constantly mistaken for his wife on the phone, a perfectly normal cis guy. I'm not saying "you're a failure on every level" or some aggro transphobic shit here. I'm just saying that the general situation has gotten terribly fucked up in the last ~5 years, you can't trust the claims of people around you who interact with you all the time. Many of them feel they literally *have to* tell you what you want to hear, in some states a therapist can really get into professional trouble for being too forthright and realistic with a trans woman, for instance.

>>8791813
Her body looks normal in terms of WHR and everything, it's her boobs that are unrealistically big for a trans woman.

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>>8791409
>I'm embarrassed for believing my friends and therapist.
This is why I believe lying to people that don't pass is the most hurtful thing you can do.

Just chill out, you're only 4 months in. Give it a year minimum before doing anything drastic.

>>8791552
what's irreversible that you've done?

It isnt irreversible. They're just being dramatic over it

>>8791409
Just accept being a boy like I did.

>>8791799

>That's something to consider. I hadn't though about Dominican Republican. Thanks.

Don't limit yourself to DR just because that's what I suggested though. Consider other countries too like Colombia, Brazil, Panama, etc. The most important thing is that you're sure the surgeon's number one priority is your safety. And you aren't guaranteed safety even in the US. Infections can happen anywhere in the world. One surgeon in Miami referred to as Dr. O had the Florida Health Department trying to limit or revoke his medical license multiple times, only to have a judge reverse each decision. He did eventually have his license revoked. One assurance you do have in the US is that if the doctor does screw up, you or your family can sue.

Arent you the cakefaced wannabe goth who takes pictures of herself in a mirror with a giant camera in shitty light? Everyone has been telling you you dont pass forever.

Anon your priorities are all wrong. Nobody important cares whether you pass in the first place. The real problem is that your short films aren't very good.

(I know nothing about them except that some young tranno made them, but... I mean, they aren't very good.)

>>8791402
Do some actual, unbiased research regarding how people look on HRT for various periods of time. Be careful to make sure they haven't had any sort of plastic surgery, either. You need to see honest, legitimate examples of what happens over time. I guarantee that when you find examples from people not trying to see you shit, you'll find that most MtF transitions just turn into what the general populace sees as ugly females.

You need to accept that you won't ever look like some cute/pretty anime chick. But also know you're not an embarrassment to the community. You're simply another person that fell for a lot of bullshit the community sells (like fake diets in the fitness community). There are those out there looking to make a profit that will prey on your emotions, and it sounds like a lot of people have done just that.

>>8791759

Why do you think you feel that way?

>>8795085
On a scale of 10 to 10, how mad are you that Mattis refused to ban transgenders from the military?

>>8793905
kek