Disconnected and Lonely

I can't help but have a bump OP. Good luck.

I reccomend detransitioning, lots of people run away from their problems by going the tranny route but suffer for it later

Well, I don't really have an answer, meun friend.

Why do you feel depressed, do you have clinical depression? How's life going?

>>8779509
My experience was exactly the other way around
I was like you are now at first and after starting HRT, even without any social transition I got to how you used to be
I'm not saying you have to detransition but think it over

>>8779509
Sounds like dissociation

It could be from anxiety or gender dysphoria or something else, if it started on HRT maybe try quitting? Did you do anything besides starting HRT? Social transition etc?

Maybe try reading https://thirdwaytrans.com he had a similar experience and ended up detransitioning

That said it's also possible you're generally better off transitioning but have other problems that need addressing, it depends

>>8779509
sounds like dissociation for certain
could be caused by trauma with a delayed onset, I had abuse from my dad as a kid but only started getting PTSD nightmares since I moved out a year ago

>>8779509
i repressed.

>>8780167
im not op, but im having a bit of fear with starting hrt.

I just got a notification from my pharmacy that my stuff is ready, but having a bit of kinda fear about starting it (and i can't really pick it up till tuesday).

I've come out to a bunch of people about how i feel, and my one friend from work told me her brother was the same, and has gone the full tranny route in jail. I'de say i've gotten plenty of support, and agree that - based on how being transgender is defined, i definitely am. But i still feel like its bullshit. im so back and forth on things, i don't know what to do.

Like, i feel like i've kinda skipped the natural progression how most people like me would go through (repressing till later in life and turning out like caitlyn jenner)

>>8780321
If it makes you feel better MtF detransition is fairly easy in the physical aspect. You might need top surgery but you probably won't have scars like FtM do unless you stay on HRT for really long. If it turns out to be not for you it's really not the end of the world. Treat it like another part of self discovery really


Just make sure you're really serious before really irreversible stuff like SRS. Like, if you do it do it because you need to and not because everyone else does or you fear people won't like a dickgirl.

>>8780382
>Just make sure you're really serious before really irreversible stuff like SRS.

yea, i've thought about it nonstop every single day for atleast a couple of years now, and i just can't get it off my mind. Not a day goes by without me thinking about being a girl, something always "triggers" me (and i hate using that term). Like, if i had a relativly normal day, and i go to the gas station to pay for gas or something on the way back home, ill accidently see myself on the security camera and feel really fucking bad. I was waiting on my tire to get changed at walmart, and dropped my roomate off at the mall, and while waiting i saw a buetiful girl and just kept thinking about how ill never pass or look as good as her. I don't think i would ever go through with srs though, it just seems extremely expensive and painful.

>Treat it like another part of self discovery really
thats what my therapist said. She said she never met anyone who actually detransitioned and regretted the whole thing, but my guess is thats because the ones who do regret it are really emotional and kill themselves.

thanks for the advice though. I didn't realize how stupid and emotional i was being until i had a drink and read your post. I've always had a problem with "going through" with things like this. Im just so scared of the concequences i dont bother risking making the wrong choice, but i feel like thats the wrong way to live life, and i should do want i want.

Just like i was talking about, im now flipped and don't feel any fear about going through with it anymore. Maybe im just being a bitch and cranky about quitting cigarettes.

Can i hear about your transition? I'de like to hear about the good things for once, instead of reading about all the bad stuff. I also guess it would help if i started hanging out with some lgbt people instead of guys and black girls (who are hardly girls most of the time).

>>8779509
Yeah but estrogen cured it.

>>8780074
I'm not running away from anything, I don't really see transition helping at this point either. I've already had FFS and I know I'd prefer to be feminine looking at least.

>>8780145
I've had depression since I was a child, I tried meds but mostly they made me feel sick. So I've always been forced to mind-over-matter it so to speak. It got me this far but this doesn't feel like typical depression, as I said I feel I've become self absorbed and unable to think of anything beyond my condition.

>>8780167
I'd rather not detransition I want to keep moving forward and am hoping ot fine a way of doing so and getting past this. Thanks for the reply though.

>>8780254
It could be dissociation, I mean a textbook description seems to fit. I know I'm dysphoria and strongly so, in fact I'd say its probably a driving factor in this which is why I'm so against detransition, I feel hat detransitioning would only move me in the opposite direction.

It did start on HRT but it definately became worse after my FFS. 3 out of 4 procedures actually had really nice results, one got a little botched and I'm going for a revision on that one. This is probably exacerbating the problem, but it did exist prior to the surgery.

>>8780272
Would you mind describing your situation a little more to me? I'm curious if delayed onset is a possibly.

Also are the nightmares a regular occurrence? I've always had them, personally. They usually just revolve around standard fears however, and not around the things that used to happen.

>>8780321

I agree with >>8780382 up until my FFS I could had detransed and gone back to a normal life at any point with no irregularities. HRT is probably worth a shot, just be certain before you go for surgeries.

>>8780450
Most people don't regret their transition, they tend to just regret how late they started or how they failed to pass. A lot of people are telling me to detransition on this thread and honestly, I feel they've missed to point.

>>8781673
Oh, the classic brain fog.
I know way too well.

>>8781673
Can you see a psychologist?

>>8781683
It's getting excessive though, I can barely think of anything else anymore. I'd say it was effecting my work life, but I lost my job a while ago.

>>8782564
I could afford to see one but there is no-one who seems willing to work with trans people in my area. I'd have to do day trips to other towns just to hear the opinion of someone who has never been through this. That's why I've asked here, I was hoping someone could relate.

>>8782929
I'm really sorry but I don't know what to tell you. Maybe a lot of things changed really quickly and you're sort of stunned by that? You said no one in the region is willing to work with trans people so that hints, to me, that you're living somewhere where people aren't very accepting of trans people. Could the disconnect be caused by you feeling rejected by most-everyone around you? Have you had your blood tested? Maybe something is off balance. Are you physically well in general? Have you gone through trauma in that time period? I'm shooting in the dark here.

>>8782955
That's fine, it's not like its your job to make me feel better. The fact that you're even trying is pretty generous.

I can't really tell if things have changed. Some days I'm really happy and see a lot of positive changes and others I look in the mirror and feel like I see the exact same face I saw a year ago. I'm kind of struggling to discern what I actually look like, now that I think about it. Every time I look in the mirror I'm seeing someone different and I don't know what to make of it.

About a decade ago this area was horrible for LGBT. Now days its a completely different atmosphere. Middle income young people gentrified a lot of the old low income bigoted areas and now its quite accepting but there definitely doesn't seem to be the same sort of support network you would expect of a metropolitan area, hence why I need to train three hours away to see an endocrinologist. My blood work is all fine btw.

I don't really have many friends now days. Though I still don't see why that would damage my ability to relate to my partner. We still get along really well and they're everything I could ever dream of. I just feel horrible when I can't invest myself into their stories and I spend a lot of our time together looking into a mirror every few minutes. I will say that we haven't done anything sexual in about a year if you think that's possibly a partial cause, but still that's due to their inability to have sex right now. We can't really change that.

No trauma, at least not in recent years. Physically I'm fine.

I'd help you out and suggest things but I feel like I'm shooting in the dark too. It's weird because I've never not known whats wrong before or had trouble understanding my feelings.

>stuck in a loop.

psychedelics.

it's the hormone balance, op. (duh)
same thing happened to me, but i lost my ability to read peoples vibes.
hormones effect everything because of pheromones.

>>8783260
>looking into a mirror every few minutes
That sounds a bit extreme. How do you feel about your body?

>>8783288
I struggle to believe that. My hormones are in balance and I doubt that every woman feels like this.

>>8783340
I'm not really sure, it changes by the day. Generally speaking, I'm more comfortable with myself when I'm on my own but around other people I tend to start feeling like a bit of a freak. The feeling amplifies over time and I start dwelling on my appearance. As I said in my original post, once I start dwelling that's pretty much it, it's all I can think about and I just can't break that cycle and focus on something else.

>>8783402
>I struggle to believe that. My hormones are in balance and I doubt that every woman feels like this.
Well, people are different from one another. Maybe the balance your body requires is a bit different from normal?

>I'm not really sure, it changes by the day. Generally speaking, I'm more comfortable with myself when I'm on my own but around other people I tend to start feeling like a bit of a freak. The feeling amplifies over time and I start dwelling on my appearance. As I said in my original post, once I start dwelling that's pretty much it, it's all I can think about and I just can't break that cycle and focus on something else.
This might be the problem. Can you work through this with someone you know, or with yourself? If not then you might have to see a therapist, long trips or not.

>>8783442
Maybe, if so I wouldn't know what to do. I suppose I could discuss it with my endo.

I have no-one to work through it with. No-one who understands at least. Have you personally been to a therapist? Was it any use? I don't really want to sit a a chair for an hour being told I should feel better about myself.

>>8783526
>if so I wouldn't know what to do.
And I don't really know what to tell you to do either, sorry. Discussing it with your endo might help but I'm afraid that might backfire terribly if they're the fearful sort. Still worth considering. Maybe try asking around in some of the more trans specific threads? A bunch of people rarely ever leave them.

> Have you personally been to a therapist? Was it any use?
Yes, for a gender-unrelated issue. No, she didn't really help me. I know that a lot of people have had bad experiences with therapy. On the other hand I also know a bunch whom it really helped.

>>8783624
Well thanks for hanging around and chatting. Suppose I'll just think about those things some more.

>>8786245
Be well, OP. I hope things work out for you.