self destruction

>>8745922
mtf, not passing

many years hrt, many years heavy drug abuse

suffered brain and liver and heart damage(and possibly more that wasn't detected), taking heart medication at the age of 23, trying to stop drinking alcohol

all that because I failed to pass as a woman and couldn't live with myself. anything was better than facing reality, and death seemed more like a release than an end

I go on alcohol binges thar last a few days
literally start drinking right when I wake up, often I won't even eat anything at all for the entire day

I don't cut or anything but my therapist has said she thinks the binges are a form of self harm and she's probably right

>>8745926
iktf

>>8745941
and the worst thing is that after all that I still can't go out as a non passing transwoman or admit to be trans before other people

it's easier to kill myself than to live and suffer

im the one who made the other thread about shame(https://boards.4chan.org/lgbt/thread/8745744)

it's so pathetic that not even brain burning drugs were capable of burning away my indoctrination

I don't want to die anymore. Why am I drinking now? Why did I take stims few hours ago?

>>8745922
Me, not proud of it.

First time I had experience using substances to hide my problems was at age 10, I stole liquor out of my grandma's cabinet and drank it while watching TV. This happened until I finally left after 6 months.

Restricted myself from substances until this year, and avoided weed until now.

In the interim I self-harmed by breaking things (on my computer, friendships/relationships) and then salvaging them or giving up on them. I didn't have any real friends until College.

Ended up suicidally depressed again this year after it happening on and off during high school and middle school. Tried cutting myself (wew) but I again decided there were less obvious methods of self harming. Been high for most of the past year, get drunk whenever I find/convince people to get me booze. Luckily im not 21 for another couple months. I have friends now and a relationship again but they're.. strained.

>>8745993
Started smoking cigarettes two years ago for the sole purpose of self destruction. Stopped again when I was feeling less bad.

Im avoiding anything harder because I know I would probably like/use it.

File: ambien.jpg (31KB, 400x400px) Image search: [Google]

31KB, 400x400px

>>8745922
I used to be addicted to all manner of drugs but the worst habit, surprisingly, was Ambien. Most euphoric substance I tried and was prescribed 7 a day legally at my worst and once taken off my body just CRAVED them for years. Now I take marijuana to take the edge off cravings to feel differently, without feeling nearly as fucked up.

I'm frankly surprised Ambien addiction isn't a bigger issue. I mean like Ambien as a drug of choice. Also, I never noticed it being better snorting it.

>>8745922
I'm not that deep in the mud yet, but I have fantasized with hurting myself or just drink until my liver explodes, right now I'm on a stage of not eating a lot, sometimes I think that if I hurt myself I will never find someone but at the same time you are just alone in the dark

I'm just so lonely and I used to consider myself a happy person but the fact that finding someone for a relationship is super hard, everyone seems to focused on being a slut, no one wants to love anyone anymore, they only care for sex

>>8745922
What else is there to do? end it quicker?

>>8746012
Its similar to benzos isnt it?

>>8746086
Much more euphoric and intense. Lasts only 2-3 hours.

Here was a good description of the high (not written by me):

>take 20mg on an empty stomach (two pills)
>within fifteen minutes, muscles relax so much that your body feels like a giant fluffy pillow
>you soon lose the ability to type coherent sentences on your keyboard and this becomes very funny in retrospect
>shortly therafter, you start hallucinating pretty colors
>music sounds incredible, movies are a feast for the eyes, novels are profound to the point of tears
>you wind up doing things like standing in front of a painting for an hour, opening and closing your hand, trying to catch the trees; or staring at a lamp and playing with the strands of color that drift slowly towards you
>feel very calm, happy, safe, and carefree
>eventually, come down and go off to sleepy land
>have pleasant, vivid dreams
>wake up feeling well-rested and satisfied
>look back at your computer history and laugh at all the silly shit you wrote the night before
Best three months of my life. Only blacked out once (and I was occasionally taking 50 to 60mg doses, which is just a waste) and all I did was just take a few more pills and watch a film. Never felt compelled to drive, go outside, or do anything stupid. Nothing compares to Ambien. I'm going to try to get a new prescription soon. It gave me a reason to live.

>>8746139
>benzos

I don't know since when I was taking benzos it was always several packages at once, with alcohol and then wake up two days later at different location with no recollection of past few days

if you are taking drugs to feel good and have meaningful experiences, you aren't in "self harm" area yet

>>8746151
Ambien was one tier above benzos for blackouts.

>>8746156
yes but you clearly aren't taking it for self harm or self destruction, what you wrote is like trip report from erowid for people looking to have fun

>>8746171
Because that is a good description of the high. That has nothing to do with my personal usage pattern. The point was to explain how different Ambien is than Xanax or a benzodiazepine.

>>8746139
well that explains all the shitposting i see on this site

>>8746012
>I'm frankly surprised Ambien addiction isn't a bigger issue.
I blame my psych for that, he prescribes me Zopiclone and Lorazepam.

>>8746260
Oh and another huge difference for me was that tolerance built up intensely in 2 weeks or less for most benzodiazepines like Lorazepam but very slowly, over years, for Zolpidrem. Zopiclone, to me, was still addicting and euphoric but certainly less so than Zolpidem.

I am very self destructive.

I started drinking in 8th grade and never studied and just said through wasting obvious potential and a means of true escape had I used foresight.

I have for years gotten blackout drunk and crashed cars, attempted suicide, lashed out at friends.

I have been raped and kidnapped and put myself in literally at this point countless near death experiences.

I am tied of addiction and I am tired of hating myself.

>>8746291
>obvious potential
[citation needed]
you sound like a drunk

>>8745922
>who actually has destructive tendencies here?
I'm repressing my transsexuality.

>>8746372
Nothing wrong with being openly gay and keeping it at cis.

>>8746347
All people in Jr high have potential & if I could be drunk in 8th grade through high school AP never once paying attention or trying and still got into a tier 1 university yeah I would say I wasted some potential for a good future.

I only got addicted to the Internet. It seems to be impossible for me to be addicted substances alcohol, cigarettes or drugs.

Those things give me no pleasure.

>>8745922
I don't like drugs, most give me panic attacks and make me scared; I like to cut myself instead, something about letting the bad blood out feels so good and relieving. I haven't done anything in a while but lately I've been really feeling an urge coming back. If you're at the point where you have an innumerable amount of scars, is there even any reason not to cut anymore?

Definitely part of the working-class British nihilist 'sesh' movement myself, which practically worships self-annihilation.

mtf, pre hrt femboy atm
cut, drink and when i can afford it do drugs
sometimes id do worse than cut
other time just look at mentally disturbing manga or weeb shit related stuff that triggers my history a lot while i drank/cried/listened to metal

i will be ok attractiveness but probably not pass great

i have a gf i need to look after now and no future prospects or education

cant stop fucking myself over now