Ashamed about acting feminine

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I don't know how to explain this...I've been repressing forever, always acting like an edgy memelord. During the past 18 years people knew me as a nihilistic metalhead etc.

But i'm worried about something... Now that i'm on hrt and not acting like a retard, after checking my facial features over and over again, i'm "worried" i'll actually end up passing.

After all these years i'm embarassed to act like who i am. For example, when i shave, i feel extremely great with myself and relieved i got rid of all the disgusting body hair but... Then i start to wear hoodies and things like that, even if i'm at home, to prevent people from noticing. If someone makes a comment about this i spaghetti all over. I try too hard to act as manly as i can when i'm on the street so people don't think i'm a girly fag (wich is fucking true but ffs why do i care so much with what people thinks?)

Is this some kind of self preservation system based on my fucked up beliefs to prevent me from getting killed in a semi-conservative area?