Identity Crisis Thread

>>8532364
>outside I am an ugly neanderthal
>when I think about being a real girl, not even sexually, I get butterflies inside
>probably not trans
>know I will never pass and I would be ostracized even more if I try
>it would also fuck up my life
>19, already hate how I am growing chest hair
What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like such a freak, inside and out. I just want to disappear. I've been to therapy a few times, but it is very hard for me to open up to anyone especially about sexuality because it was such a taboo thing in my family. I have many more mental issues, but I don't want to be an attention whore if I am making a mountain out of a mole-hill.
What should I do not to be such a sad piece of shit?
Thanks

>>8532364
>>8532369
You're a tranny, Harry

qhi.co.uk

get on testosterone blockers at very least, to prevent further masculinisation while you're thinking things through, that way if you do end up going the whole way you won't be worse off for having waited longer; even if you don't take estrogen the blocking of testosterone might make you feel less anxious about future changes that disgust you

either spironolactone 100mg every 12 hours (the weaker but cheaper option), 25-50mg bicalutamide a day (depending on how high-test you are), or 50mg cyproterone acetate a day (the most hardcore and irreversable option but will block T completely)

>>8532364
if you feel like you'd rather be a girl
then just be a girl
it won't happen overnight but making gradual progress will probably be better than the shit you're going through atm

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>>8532441
this is my before/after at 21 months HRT, btw

I still have a long way to go before I'm acceptably happy with my body, and I desperately want facial surgery, but I'd be lying if I said I don't feel a lot better off now than I did before I started to the point I'm only suicidal about my body maybe one day out of every couple of months, compared to crying myself to sleep every single night before I started

even if you take HRT and stay in guy-mode it can have a positive effect, it doesn't matter if you're still read as male as long as you feel more comfortable in yourself

>>8532369
I was in your shoes at the same age. I'm not a therapist, nor do I subscribe to all the psych bullshit they push around here, so take this with a grain of salt blah blah blah.

In high school I had a ton of self esteem (too much, really). I was somewhat good looking, made friends easily and, like you, chased after girly girls. I didn't enjoy sex with them that much, but I was nonetheless fascinated by them. I had facial hair at 14 and chest hair soon after, and had a super strong jaw line. I played sports and had anger issues. Yet despite being so masculine, I was miserable. I felt insecure and fake, like my whole life I had spent trying to prove something and failing to do so. I was rash, which led to me doing things impulsively. Things that didn't allign with my character. I hated myself for it.

Now that I've been on HRT, I don't get that anymore. I can think through my actions instead of acting on impulse. I have nothing to prove anymore, I am finally free of my ego.

you need to seriously consider whether or not you're repressing. I'm not going to say you are or aren't, that is for you and only you to decide. For me it wasn't obvious. Everything suggested the opposite. But before I was miserable, and now I'm not. Realizing I am female has made me embody the virtues I envied because I don't feel embarrassed to show them anymore.

You are young, and despite your male characteristics there is plenty of hope for you if you actually are trans. Just make sure it isn't fear that's guiding your judgement.

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>>8532369
Im in the same boat, except Im the only child. Came from severe anxiety/depression to fetish and wanting to be a woman... kinda. I was functioning when I've been on antidepressants and had a job and social life, so give it a try - get therapy, get on pills, start small. Anxiety is crippling, you have to overcome it regardless of your gender issues.
Mature up and don't think about your parents judgment anymore - they don't know what you feel, you r problems, thus they dont know how you should solve them and how you should live, only you do.

I'm not the one to tell everyo0ne they are trans (like almost everyone on this bard rushes to). Ask yourself if you would really like to live fulltime as a woman, think about it seriously. Talk to your therapist, you probably need a good one.

>>8532470
if they're gonna talk to a therapist, it needs to be a gender therapist. most standard therapists are woefully under-equipped for this in the UK and USA and may not be able to give an accurate assessment.

>>8532479
It's always nice to see other people named Robin

I don't mean to be rude by asking, but were you given that name or did you choose it?

Thanks for the replies, I guess I have to make some decisions for myself if I want to be happy. I feel like I have been one of those little water-bugs; I look like I am swimming but I am pushing it all away. I don't exist in the water but outside from it looking in.
>>8532470
>get on pills
I am paranoid about anti-depressants because I am afraid they will affect my cognition. Could you share your experience starting them?
>Mature up and don't think about your parents judgment anymore
You are right there. They don't know me. I love my family, but they know nothing about me. I was thinking of maybe after college getting a teaching job in another country and staying there as long as I can just to get away.

>>8532489
chose it, because it looked nice

>>8532508
Before I knew I was trans I hated it because it was too feminine. Now that I'm trans it doesn't feel feminine enough.

That's very reassuring. I guess it does look nice. Soft, even

>>8532521
it goes well with my surname

>>8532498
Everyone is different so your reaction wont be the same as mine, better work with your doc. try it and report any side effects to change dose or even get on a different med.
I was on fluoxetin (= prozac) If I had bad sleep or some 'mind-fog' problems I lowered the dosage or even skipped few days.

You might get great result seeing the world in fullcolor again and having motivation to live and wanting to talk with people.
Anxiolytics are great at lowering anxiety. Benzos work 100% but they are addictive so you dont want to be on them for any long time.

They wont cure dysphoria btw but will improve your mental state.

>>8532364

Honestly? sounds like you're repressing, but not being trans just standard family/parental issues. You had 3 older sisters who were favored by the parents. Young you saw this early on and you associated being like them as a way to maybe get love and attention.