What's taking a cock like?

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Im male 20 years old. I used to finger myself 2 years ago. I hate the smell of shit on my finger. Also I used to use a sharpie, I would do it front of body mirror. I'd sit on the floor with my legs up on the wall so I can see my butthole. I used a couch pillows for sitting and back. This was between a wall obviously and bathroom sink lower cabinet. I'd let the sharpie halfway in and push it out on my own. The pushing out felt so good. I've used grindr and sucked 5 dicks in the span of 2 years. Many months between each cause of guilt. I still like girls and only want a romantic relationship with them. Can't see myself dating a guy. Anyways what's it like? I know condoms protect but Im still afraid of AIDS or herpies. Also afraid my butthole turn inside out or some other freak injury.