The mirror

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It's a normal behavior for everyone to spend hours in front of the mirror, looking at their face, right? Analysing everything, rubbing my fingers against my face, almost wanting to cry even if for some reason i can't. Feeling anxious and lost.

For some people it is far "easier". I don't envy them, i just hate myself. Many trans and feminine people have a soft and well defined face. You just need to laser some facial hair, take care of your skin and bam, everything is great and you look good. Nothing will fix my situation. I've just spent hours without even noticing. Checking how deep my eyesockets are, how big my nose is, and how retracted is my jaw. I have a weak jawline, that doesn't look male nor female. It looks like nothing. My face is the face of a defeated person, doesn't matter how much confidence i try to fake.

I have ptsd due to some surgeries in the past (i haven't even removed my wisdom teeths yet, but i will have to it soon as i'm 18), and wouldn't do FFS. Not that i would have money anyway. If i start hrt, i would have money for like only 3 months if i don't get a job.

This all sucks because at least i like my body. Genetics gave me a cool body and a terrible face wich makes me look like i'm sad/defeated 24/7. The biggest pleasure in my life will be when i put a bullet in my head and gruesomely paint the wall with my brain. But gun control laws.

I have the second part of a college admission exam in 11 hours but i don't even know why i'm going to do it. I already failed the first part (Best score in philosophy, sociology and this kind of shit. Worst score in maths and physics, wich is what i need). I'll just do it bc the 30km bus route makes me forget about all this.