Dysphoria from drugs/alcohol

>>8293350
Stop smoking/drinking so much

>>8293484
I occasionally stop but inevitably I always fall back into it every time I get stressed or anxious about something and once I get started it's really hard to stop. I usually keep going until my depression and anxiety just randomly let up a little and I feel better.
I used to use psychedelics to break me out of bingers since it would often temporarily get rid of my depression long enough that I could kind of pull myself together.

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5/10 bait
get out seek help find new hobby

>>8293529
Why is it bait? It's just kind of what my experience has been.

>>8293554
I've tried antidepressants and antianxiety pills but they gave me heart palpitations so it's not like I had much choice anyway. Psychedelics are supposed to help people with depression and such in certain circumstances. I haven't actually done that in quite a while though.

>>8293601
I can't see doctors, I have a hard time talking to them. I just get anxiety and make up some random shit or I usually just backout of it altogether and just tell them my bf cheated and I need an hiv test or something.
I've had gender issues before the drug stuff started but for the most part I just kind of cruise through it when everything is going good though.

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>>8293350
Op your situation sounds similar to where I was maybe 2 years ago. You are using drugs and alcohol to hide something that can't be buried forever. Consider finding a therapist to sort through your issues with gender.

>>8293668
Well I already came out as gay a long time ago but that didn't really seem to help all that much. That was already quite a straining point with family and friends, being trans would be the final nail I think. Plus since telling people I'm gay they seem to have a lot less empathy for me so nobody really questions it if I seem depressed or if I drink too much, I get a lot more free reign over my life nowadays due to that I think.
I've been mostly hoping I'd just keel over before I hit 30 otherwise I'm just waiting for a miracle to figure out wtf I'm going to do I guess lol

I'm the exact opposite. I'm usually depressed, anxious, and dysphoric. It's the reason I started smoking pot in the first place. It helps get my mind off of all the pain and just laugh for a while. Do you smoke sativas or indicas?

>>8293754
How old are you

>>8293781
I can only smoke indica, anything else gives me heart issues and horrible anxiety. I get a lot of seasonal depression but I do well during the summers. But summers here are only like 4 months lol
While I'm sober I still fantasize about being a girl I guess, like agp-type stuff I suppose. No matter what agp erotica is usually my goto for fapping material. Plus there's a chance I'm not really gay since I only really date or hookup with guys but I don't really like gay porn, I just self-insert as the girl in straight porn or read tg erotica. It's been kind of a huge source of anxiety for me since I'm not sure how to tell other guys about it.
>>8293802
Turning 26 soon...

>>8293826
Yeah, I stay away from smoking indicas too much, unless it's in a hybrid for the same reason. Drugs don't seem like a good thing fro you to be doing. Just transition. I'm sure it will at least make some of your problems less significant. Drug use can only be a temporary way to hide your problems.

>>8293858
I was always told indicas are for anti-anxiety. It seems to be somewhat true but just in general I have social anxiety no matter what. Like I can't even look people in the eyes while talking.

>>8293754
>Plus since telling people I'm gay they seem to have a lot less empathy for me
How so exactly?

>>8293826
Why not try being more feminine in your day to day and see if you like it?
26 is getting pretty old for starting hormones, especially since you haven't even admitted to yourself that you don't want to be masculine and want to be feminine.
My advice is when you're high journal about your feelings. Or just take some time every night to journal about your thoughts. (But it's more fun when you're high)

Oh, and don't drink unless you're with people. And don't smoke more than a bowl a day. Gl!

>>8293921
I'm the same way, but sativas seem to do a much better job for all my illnesses. I've never had a good experience with indicas unless they're in a hybrid.

>>8293948
The only reason people were even remotely okay with me being gay is that I'm basically a shy nerdy guy. One of my friends even told me if I acted too gay he didn't want to be friends with me.
Even one time after I epilated my legs and stuff and my friends and family saw it was basically a huge clusterfuck. The more I try and do gay/feminine stuff the less people like me. I barely even see my friends anymore.
>>8293950
I've already taken hormones periodically. I bought a bunch years ago when they were all over tor markets and such and I just bought it along with my weed lol
I never said I wanted to be masculine though. Mostly though it's all just fantasy type stuff from fapping though. But it has basically ruined my relationships since I can't tell people about it.

>>8293972
If your friends don't accept you for being you, then maybe they'll slowly adapt. Try to meet new people too though.
Lying ruins relationships though. Try to be honest with yourself and others. People can tell when you're not being honest and it makes them uneasy about what you're hiding. Just be who you are without shame.

>>8294000
If I don't lie about it I might as well accept I'll die alone lol
Normal people aren't going to just think "oh that's a perfectly acceptable thing to masturbate to" and move on from there.

>>8294015
Fair enough. But are you satisfied with just tg erotica, or would you like to be feminine in your day to day too?

>>8294035
I like crossdressing and would prefer a more feminine body, but I have no huge issues with my genitals other than that I dislike the way my testicles look cause they're ugly. But the feelings aren't as intense when I'm not depressed.
It's pretty much a lose-lose situation here though. The only guy I really can sort of talk to is some gay immigrant I met on POF years ago but he doesn't speak very good english but somehow throughout the years I think I might have said something to him since he sometimes refers to me by female pronouns and I've done some minor crossdressing around him. But he's mostly just a fuckbuddy since he's just a temporary foreign worker here. Other than him I have no one to talk to and I've of course never told anyone about any of my fantasies, fetishes, crossdressing, etc.

>>8294088
Well, I think the only way you'll alleviate your dysphoria is by presenting more feminine. How did you feel when you were on hrt? How would you feel about getting it prescribed legit?

>>8294175
It was alright. I didn't notice anything particularly special though. The nipple sensitivity was nice and of course it made my skin about a thousand times healthier which was a nice change. I didn't notice any mental changes though. I think I ran out after like 7ish months, I missed dosages a bunch of days though. Plus if I knew I was going to drink that night I'd skip dosages.
I highly doubt I'd be actually capable of getting it prescribed. I can't really do therapy. I've tried and I just have issues talking to people. I had to go to therapy when I was younger due to suicidal stuff and the therapist eventually just let me go without any recommendations since I just get too much anxiety to really say anything.

>>8293826
>It's been kind of a huge source of anxiety for me since I'm not sure how to tell other guys about it.
Date tolerant guys and be clear that it's just how you feel sexually.

Did you always get off that way?

>>8294354
>Did you always get off that way?
Pretty much since I discovered the internet lol
Before that I'd just have fantasies. My parents never gave me "the talk" so I had no idea what I was doing was weird or anything. Basically grew up sticking fingers up my butt pretending I was a girl and only learnt it was weird when I was like 16/17ish years old maybe.

>>8294322
Well if you live near a major city, you might be able to just go to a informed consent clinic and get prescribed hrt.
And it might be really scary but I think you should look into a group therapy for gender dysphoric people. That way you can get feedback from people who are in the same boat as you.
https://www.verywell.com/what-is-group-therapy-2795760
At an informed consent clinic they'll be able to direct you to a group. Gl!

>>8294381
So your sexuality never involved you as a guy, whether with a girl or a guy?

How attracted do you feel girls are? Regardless of how much you want sex or relationships with them.

>>8294510
>So your sexuality never involved you as a guy, whether with a girl or a guy?
I've never really thought about it that way. I mostly just liked the concept of being a girl relationship and sex-wise. It was only once I got older and learnt of gay stuff that I sort of assumed that I could just go bottom-exclusive and fulfill a lot of my fantasies.
I can fap to pics of girls and such I guess. But yeah I wouldn't want sex or relationships. I love using dildos and I've never really got off on the idea of actually penetrating anyone and technically I've never actually topped anyone yet, I've only bottomed. If I were to get with a girl it would need to be an extremely rare and unique relationship situation in order to satisfy what I'd want, the probability of success is quite low on that front so I never pursued it. But in terms of whether I find girls attractive I do yes.

>>8294551
>It was only once I got older and learnt of gay stuff that I sort of assumed that I could just go bottom-exclusive and fulfill a lot of my fantasies.
You always imagined a relationship would be with a guy?

>I can fap to pics of girls and such I guess.
What do you think about when you do? Having sex as the girl, just being the girl without sex, just the looks of her without being her?

What would the relationship need to be for you to get with a girl?

>>8294574
I only ever imagined relationships with a guy because asking a girl to top me every single time we have sex is ridiculous. When I was young I honestly don't think there was ever a single time I just fapped normally, I always did anal stuff. It would be incredibly awkward of a thing to ask for and the whole awkwardness of the situation would just make it way more of a turnoff anyway. Plus with what sex I've had I liked how guys treated me and that I could feel smaller and everything.

When I look at pics of girls I usually only like clothed pics for some reason. I like looking at the makeup and clothes. It's a bizarre fetish lol
Not sure if I get off on just the looks or if I absolutely have to self-insert, I don't exactly keep a tally. But I'm pretty sure most of the time I just self-insert. But naked pics usually don't do it for me, I generally dislike them. Even when I read tg erotica I always read it just for how they describe clothes and such...
The only way I'd get in a relationship with a girl is if she's a guy lol
I'm not going through the whole clusterfuck of explaining these fetishes to a girl and on top of that telling her I might not be able to stick my dick in her due to that. I'm not completely retarded, I realize there's something obviously wrong there.

>>8294610
>Plus with what sex I've had I liked how guys treated me and that I could feel smaller and everything.
What kind of treatment exactly? Like cuddling and being little spoon?

Do you have any idea why you dislike naked pics?

>Even when I read tg erotica I always read it just for how they describe clothes and such...
Not for the fact she used to be a guy? Not for the descriptions of her body?

>The only way I'd get in a relationship with a girl is if she's a guy lol
Lol!

>>8294680
>What kind of treatment exactly? Like cuddling and being little spoon?
Basically yeah. I guess I'm lazy, I just like to lie there and get plowed lol
But I like feeling the weight and body size on me and everything.
>Do you have any idea why you dislike naked pics?
I don't really like the appearance of vaginas a ton I guess. I can still fap with straight porn if there's vag's and whatnot but ultimately most of the time I just like clothed pics.
>Not for the fact she used to be a guy? Not for the descriptions of her body?
Sometimes I like stuff that goes into detail about that. I sometimes like forced fem stuff that can include body modification as long as it's not too bizarre. I don't like intense bdsm type stuff or anything and even stories about being 'forced' I usually prefer when it's really not all that forceful. I still like some fetishy stuff, like chastity cages are kind of a fetish of mine.

>>8294789
Could you compare your physical attraction to girls and to guys?

What kind of treatment outside the bedroom do you like from guys?

If you don't like the look of vaginas are topless and other semi-naked pictures like bikini pics attractive to you?

What forced fem or tg themes do you enjoy besides the clothes? Which body descriptions?

>>8293350
pothead reporting in.

I used to get the same feelings while high. If I had to describe it, it was like feeling this overwhelming responsability over my body, like all that repressed femeninity that I had just wanted to get out and express itself, but there was something that I was doing that didn't allow it to "go out" (it usually was this mechanins I had where I said "no, this is not the time. Maybe later", only to end up more depressed and miserable when "later" came).
I haven't had that feeling since a LSD trip I did three months ago. that thing really changed me for good. I could finally stop hurting myself and finally could put myself on the good path.

>>8295036
I don't think I could compare the attractions. I don't generally look at girls like I want to fuck them. They're just attractive for the sake of being attractive. With guys I just like how they're often more dominant. I just like being held and cuddling and everything. Outside sex I just prefer being with guys because it's more of a laid back relationship I guess. I really don't know exactly. Like I prefer hanging out with guys but I still have female friends.
>If you don't like the look of vaginas are topless and other semi-naked pictures like bikini pics attractive to you?
I don't usually look at bikini pics, just stuff like makeup pics, dresses, heels, etc.
>What forced fem or tg themes do you enjoy besides the clothes? Which body descriptions?
I've read some bimbofication stuff I guess. But I don't like when it's like full-blown bimbo stuff. I just like when guys are transformed into kind of sexy sex-slave type deals lol

>>8295126
LSD is what seems to have really screwed me over. I'm pretty sure I've always had thoughts about being a girl but I mostly just forgot them all or ignored it assuming I was simply gay. The first time I did LSD years and years ago I was just fine. But last time I did it was an utter disaster and I had such a horrible trip. I blathered on all night to one of my friends and a bunch of strangers, basically had a complete meltdown, and I'm honestly surprised anyone even still wants to talk me to now lol
But I'm not sure whether what I remember is real or fake now. I had to completely quit smoking pot when I was like 19ish because my life was going downhill really fast and I had horrible depression and anxiety. I never actually truly fully stopped smoking entirely though. I don't weigh very much so everything seems to affect me quite a bit. Plus I've always had issues with vivid dreams which lead to false memories for me.

>>8295170
So with guys the attraction is to the interaction with them, sexually and socially, not physically?

For friends do you tend to get on better with men or women?

How strongly were boys and girls given separate gender roles when you were a kid?

>>8293350
If you're happy to take drugs why aren't you taking HRT too?

>>8295229
This.
You could do both too.

>>8295206
>So with guys the attraction is to the interaction with them, sexually and socially, not physically?
I guess in some sense. I like the physical size and shape of mens bodies though in some sense. I like the rigidity of guys bodies if that makes sense lol
>For friends do you tend to get on better with men or women?
Usually straight guys but growing up I had pretty mixed friends. Usually outside school I only ever befriended females but during school mostly boys. Nowadays most of my friends are straight guys.
>How strongly were boys and girls given separate gender roles when you were a kid?
Well my parents weren't that bad. I had long hair but my parents often made me shave it off. I still grew it out multiple times though. Eventually as I grew up I just started becoming a computer nerd and basically abandoned society though lol
My dad didn't really seem to care all that much about what I did actually, it was mainly my mom that was upset with me if I did anything that was too gay. I had some leeway in things though since I could get away with a lot under the guise of just being socially retarded autist in general which confused my parents quite a bit.

>>8295229
I already sort of do. I didn't want to order hormones cause it's illegal to import here though. I bought a bunch of bulk phytoestrogens a long time ago from a chinese chemical company. I just emailed them and told them the chemicals I wanted and they shipped me like a kilogram of each chemical. They sort of work I guess but I'm also megadosing on chemicals that aren't fully researched lol
Not sure what I was thinking at the time of ordering that shit. I probably should have just bought normal hormones considering it's not like I haven't already fucked over my body completely anyway, I don't even have much jizz anymore.

>>8295317
What did your mom get upset about besides the hair?

What did you get away with because autist?

>>8296932
Oh it was just if she found my girls clothes or makeup and such I just pretended not to notice and eventually she gave up questioning.
My mom was usually just upset if she found out I shaved body hair and things like that. She'd just throw a fit and say it's not normal.
For the most part I could get away with things just by ignoring her cause my dad didn't really give a fuck. Though as I got older he did try and "man me up" by trying to force me to work on my car and join the trades

>>8297220
What girls clothes?

>>8293350
When I smoke too much sativa i get paranoid and thinks everyone of my family/friends are in a plot to kill me so they will take my money

but it makes anal easier

>>8297256
I just had like stockings, a dress, and a few other things. I had a few things of makeup. I didn't have a credit card so getting stuff off Amazon was kind of difficult.
I just kept them in a drawer in my room cause my mom dug through all my stuff constantly anyway so there was no use trying to hide it. The easiest way to get away with things was simply ignoring her.

>>8297423
>and a few other things.
What else?

How did you manage to get them? Would you wear them when you got the chance or just to fap?

Why did you mom dig through your stuff all the time?

>>8297451
I think I had like some pantyhose, I had some panties, and I think that was pretty much it. I could only buy stuff if I could get someone to exchange PayPal to Amazon gift cards. I was really lucky that someone on a forum i went to was okay doing that.
My mom just doesn't really understand privacy. She wouldn't even let anyone in our family do our own laundry or even out away our own clothes. She kind of used that against me to search through all my stuff. I had to be careful what I left lying around and to lock my computer down and everything since she would read or dig through anything she got her hands on. It wasn't a huge huge deal since ultimately I didn't care but I certainly don't trust talking to anyone in my family about anything and it has led to a little bit of distancing. The worst thing is since I lost my job I'm going to have to move back home so I'm basically fucked again

>>8297485
Oh and yeah I would wear them to fap but often I just liked sleeping in panties since no one would find out or if no one was home I sometimes wore the clothes around the house. I still kind of do it now as well

Shit, that's a thing that can happen? There goes Plan B...

>>8297485
>>8297490
Be confident and not ashamed and if your preferences put some guys off then too bad, just keep looking for a guy who understands or at least isn't hostile to it.

>>8293350
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV85Gy1k4b8