Dysphoria General

>go back to boymode
>get gendered male 100%
And here I will stay.

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>>8188471
>1 year HRT
>perma boyment
>not a single boy mode fail

>tfw you actively seek negative feedback because you can't understand that you did something for once
>tfw only stimulants and opiates make me not too tfw to see it
over a year without being gendered male and why does this habben? ;-;

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>TFW I see the longer midface, larger nose, and curlier hair that kept getting worse after 18
>TFW I should have transitioned in HS becouse I actually thought repression and dressing like a lawyer would make me into a man

>>8188616
>tfw you had all this at stronk levels at 17

>tfw realised I was trans when I was 16 but decided to repress anyway

>>8188655
>but decided to repress anyway
For the love of God why?!

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>>8188671
>when I subtly tried to hint that I was trans my parents laughed and said "that's funny, but we know you're not a criminal or pervert"
>of my few friends one kept making jokes about identifying as "an attack helicopter"
>another called mtfs "men" or "trannies"
>another said that he had started to browse pol
>another said he wanted to beat up and kill "faggots", especially "trannies"

in response to this positive and supportive environment I convinced myself I was AGP and it was just a phase

>>8188655
>tfw realized I was trans when I was 11 but decided to repress anyway

Get on my level

>>8188748
I actually know how you feel kinda. Both my parents were completely disgusted by caitlyn jenner. Then of my few friends one said he wishes all fags were dead. The other just thinks trannies are abominations. I don't know how the third feels but he calls them men or trannies too. I want to die daily I wish I made better friends or something. I think if I had one friend or family member that would be okay with me I would go through with it transitioning.

>>8188655
> tfw already a 6'2 hon at 14

It was never meant to be :(

>>8188616
>>8188623
>>8188655
>>8188778
What age did you eventually transition? And say which one of the four you were.

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>>8188778
tell me your story anon ;_;
I'm here for you

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>first memorable signs of gender weirdness at 5
>figured out something was definitely wrong at 13
>figured out trans was a thing and began conscious repression at 15
>record scratch
>fast forward to 20
>Friday, April 28th, 2017 - 6:17 AM
>woke up a nightmare about people not accepting transwomen as real human beings
>girl me was beaten to death, first person view
>came to /lgbt/ to blogpost instead of emailing my doctor or ordering HRT
>posted from my mobile phone from bed, don't want to get up today
It's ok though I'm just an AGP would be transbihon haha.

>>8188829
>>first memorable signs of gender weirdness at 5
>>figured out something was definitely wrong at 13
explain

>>8188798
Yeah I also daily want to die
But at this point my biggest regret is not starting sooner. I became too depressed to live, failed uni and became a NEET. And now every time I look at the mirror I want to kill myself. Don't be like me and start HRT today. Self-med if you have to.

>>8188846
I'm dumb, I guess? Hindsight is 20/20. What do you want from me?

>>8188867
what happened at those ages

>>8188875
Well the point I'm thinking of is when I'd dress in my mother's clothes, put plastic bowls on my chest, and sing womens' songs. My mother has a video of me in child drag singing Bonnie Tyler. There was other stuff mostly about me not being allowed the clothes I wanted but that's the highlight reel.
Then around 13 I started envying basically every girl and woman in my life and figured out my past behavior wasn't normal kid stuff. Started trying to figure it out. Not easy without the internet so it took a while.

>>8188812
One with the picture. I'm 23 now and started a week ago, and booked an appointment with a therapist (160 and hour!). I'm probably going to get off of 4chan becouse this place is poison.

>>8188812
17 anon, and that's when i transitioned desu
same anon here>>8188603

>>8189046
holy me

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26 almost 2 years HRT. Pass, have a girlfriend, getting SRS soon. Still want to die because I know I will never be a "real girl". I still get triggered about my A cup breasts, and knowing I will never have the same feminine facial features as my little sister. Knowing I will never have the amazing female singing voice that runs in my family, and living with having to force a falsetto. Knowing that I already spent over 5000$ trying to get rid of facial hair and still have some. Knowing that my lesbian identity will always be looked down upon/not seen as real. Knowing I will never get back the female childhood I could have had. Knowing I will never see the world as it really is because I am color blind. (a condition I likely wouldn't have had if I was born female) Living with a never ending high pitched ringing of tinnitus.(that alone makes me want to die) Knowing I have HPV and will continue getting genital warts forever, and that after SRS I will probably get them internally and not even be able to get cryo treatment.

I remember the countless shooting stars I wished on when I was little. Wishing I could wake up the next day as a cis lesbian woman. Having dreams of being female finally and having a beautiful girl hold me, and everything just feeling right. Only to wake up to an all to harsh reality. My size 11 women's hooves, a further reminder of my past gender nothing can erase. The loss of my family's sanity, after I came out as transgender. My mother and father have had a complete mental breakdown and don't really live for themselves anymore. (Which is insane and shouldn't be my fault. I don't even live anywhere near them! I feel guilt because they were always so good to me, and our relationship was really close, and this has ruined it.) They also hate my girlfriend and blame her for brainwashing me into being a transwoman.

Being unemployed likely due to being trans among other things. (Also making the job hunt a nightmare)

So I ask "Why Me?"

>>8190406
>force a falsetto.
you're doing it wrong

>>8190406
>>8190467
also
>getting SRS with a man voice
you are doing it wrong

>>8190406
>Knowing I have HPV and will continue getting genital warts forever, and that after SRS I will probably get them internally and not even be able to get cryo treatment.
How unpleasant are they? Why won't cryo treatment work?

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Some days, like today, I don't even know if I want to transition. I still don't know why and perhaps that's why I'm so hesitant. All I want is to be happy, why does that have to be so hard?

>>8190487
What exactly do you think the process entails, shoving an ice pack up there? It'd require invasive surgery.

when to transpeople first start feeling dysphoria? is it right after puberty? is it different for everyone?

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>>8190487
>>8190468
>>8190467
https://clyp.it/rh4pqo4l

There is a clip so you can get an idea I also talk about HPV at the end. Like I actually went and got cryo today too. It doesn't really hurt it is just really gross that I have to at all, and getting to the doctor etc.

>>8188471
im coming out to my parents today,in shiting bricks

>>8190901
I didn't know the process. Will it be noticeable inside?

>>8190907
different for everyone
I started feeling dysphoria when I was 10-11 but didn't realise what it was
it usually gets worse over time until we can't repress anymore and transition

>>8190914
I'm actually really jealous of your voice
how long have you been practising for and how did you practise?
Also I heard eventually your new voice becomes natural and you don't have to think about it anymore but apparently that takes a few years

>>8190940
For me it started when I was 4 and I have been successfully repressing it for 13 years. I just hope I can keep repressing for the rest of my life.

>>8190954
I would say like a year and change for vocal practice. I was speaking off the cuff so you can see I can do it without a ton of thinking but it is still hard on your throat etc.

>>8191162
how did it start for you?

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>>8191182
I should add that my main practice was just playing OW and other games with voice chat. Each round is a fresh chance to try something different. When immature dudes freak out you know your doing something right.

>>8191233
I might try that. I just wish I could get a voice as good as yours ;_;

>>8191162
good luck
but I recommend transition over repression

I just fail to understand voice training for some reason, I'm probably retarded, but it still freaks me out. I feel like my bone structure is at least all right and my face isn't long with jagged features but I lose any amount of confidence when I try it.

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>tfw pre everything, and not likely to start soon because no job, no skills, non supportive family

>tfw you're 21 years old and you can feel the time drift by you as all hope fades and parts of you that you didn't even know were alive start dying

>>8190954
>a few years
it took me 6 months
my voice passes in mother tongue but when i speak english people clock me sometimes

>>8191564
>tfw pre everything, and not likely to start soon because no job, no skills, non supportive family
Welcome to the club except I'm 22.

>>8190914
thought there were vaccines for it now.

>>8191757
There are, but you can't very well vaccinate against what you already have and many people don't know about it. In a lot of places (I mean US states not like Shitfuckistan) doctors can't legally tell you about it unless you ask thanks to Christians campaigning against it because of autism or whatever.

>>8191564
>>tfw you're 21 years old and you can feel the time drift by you as all hope fades and parts of you that you didn't even know were alive start dying
Could you describe what this feels like? What kind of hope, and what parts that were alive?

Also, is there any chance you could get a job in the near future? I think you should try to get out of there as soon as you can.

>>8191564
>>8191579
What skills do you need to ask "Paper or plastic?" This is such a lame excuse. I know a nigga who needed titty skittles so they rode a bike ~15 miles each way to work because they couldn't get a car. Unless you live in the literal center of Cocksticks nowhere stop frogposting, get the fuck up, and go. This shitty attitude is a good indicator you won't even survive transition when you finally fall head first into an informed consent clinic. It's your life, bitches, fight for it if you want it.

>>8192294
Job isn't the part that really stops me. If I did get a job I still live with parents that I know wouldn't be alright with it. I don't have another option for a place to stay and I certainly wouldn't be getting enough money to afford my own place.

>>8191813
Yeah I think I got it from a one night stand. It was the only time I didn't use protection other than my current gf. Anyway the vaccine doesn't work if you already have it. Something like 70+ % of adults in NA do already sooo likely boned.

it should be given to kids though when young!

>>8191211
I was in school, in the hallway with my entire class and I was like "How would it feel to be a girl?" and over the course of the next few months it went from that to the need to be one, to the point where I had recurring dreams and when I realised it was just a dream I got really sad.

>>8191283
Well, at this point I've become pretty good at repressing not only that, but literally half of myself, as in I fake most of my personality and avoid expressing most feelings.

>>8193176
what did you do to be feminine before you got on hrt?

>>8193210
As I said, I'm not on HRT, I'm repressing pretty fucking hard. At most, I have pretty long hair, but I'm always like "heh, Kurt Cobain had long hair, Slash has long hair, hell, even Conan the barbarian has long hair.".

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>>8188550
This this this. Come on, right now I just want one tiny confidence booster. Just one miniscule glimmer of hope in all this despair...

I know people equally/more masculine than me that have had it happen to them, so what the fuck? Guess I must just be a trainwreck.

>>8193425
Seriously?
You're waiting on a boymode fail? Just go in girlmode and improve your girlmode, waiting for a fail that may never come is pointless and takes away your time. Nobody is going to guess you female when you look like a guy. Makeup, female clothes, long hair and voice training is your best friend.

>>8193272
oh. how do you cope? pretending to be a girl online?

I just came to terms with this. Many memories of finding any excuse to be the girl elf or what have you when playing pretend growing up. Etc. I told a select few and regret it. I feel worse and never really express myself in any feminine way except my actions, and am attracted to women like a man, as I deeply idolize women, I feel pretty invalid. I felt weird and posted this.

>>8193477
who did you tell and how did they make you regret it?

tfw you are
>25 and just starting hrt
>AGP
> Don't feel valid as trutrans because of AGP no matter what sjw say
>Parents think im a pervert for having AGP and never will accept me
>went to local tranny support group, most of them were honsters in their 50s and 60s or drug addict sissy bimbo with aids. I am now worried that I might become a honster when im that old if I choose to repress instead.
>but 25 is already late for pelvic bone growth is is there even a difference?

>>8193485
Close friends. They didn't, it hasnt come up in any way. I just felt after that now I am lower in their eyes, fake, and whatever. That's the regret.

>>8193488
have they treated you differently? what did they say when you told them?

>>8193493
They haven't changed in the slightest, and they both said your standard acceptance phrases. It was pretty nothing. All of it is.

>>8193468
Besides the long hair thing, I just repress and pretend that it just doesn't happen.

>>8193466
If I can't fail as male how will I ever pass as female?

I'd rather an hero than girlmode and not pass.

>>8188471
I haven't even browsed this forum for over a year. I had convinced myself my "dysphoria" was "just a phase" even though it's always there lurking in the background.

Then someone told me about this FaceApp thing. I tried to avoid using it for a time but in the end I caved in.

I was floored - I was beautiful as a girl, and kinda similar to my mom when she was young. It's like peering into an alternate universe.

I have spent the last three to four hours using the app - that's how obsessed I am.
It destroys me to know I have lost the experience of growing up as a female and that I will continue to lose time because I'm too chickenshit to even talk about these issues with someone.

It destroys me to know I will never be this pretty.

It destroys me to see the huge gap between my male and female looks. How testosterone did a really bad number on me, changing my button nose for a large one, my blondeish hair for a greasy dark mop, and giving me an awful receding hairline.

From my experience with the app - Most people I've tried usually look best as their gender or both look equally as good. But for a few - including me - the opposite gender looks insanely better. This app really makes me see for the first time all I've been missing out. So here I am, again.

I see the face of the female me and I want to die.

>>8193561
I actually relate. Occasionally my friends show those dumb things to me, I see how they look and it's like a (oldworlsd) vampire looking in a mirror. It's all twisted and horrifying.

>>8188655
:(

>realised at 14 and started planning transition talking to friends
>suddenly parents start divorce and half sister's father dies and i'm called selfish a whole bunch and everyone's yelling about unrelated things and also people regularly talking about their hatred of faggots everywhere
>repress & break off relationship with queer friends
>leave home age 22 and reacquire a bunch of memories
>re-realise and now transitioning @23

How can you even transition? People hate us more than anything. Undercover in the closet, I hear nothing bite constant hatred.

>>8188655
I actually figured I was trans around then and had some shit happen that made me repress until 23. My best friend died and it crippled me emotionally for years. Then after years of being a depressed shut in I finally said fuck it.

>>8188655
>tfw you wished that you could be like the trans girls that you read about online at 12, but didn't realize that you just needed meds until 17
>>8193609
tbqh everyone just genders almost anything femal imo, like i don't pass in my eyes, but just get passed anyway.

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Lost tonnes of weight but I still have really manly fat and it's gross as fuck
Can't even achieve twinkhon aesthetics

>>8193681
What does hon mean?

>>8193487
My hips expanded at 25 you will still have a chance. My tits are are a shitty 32 A but I guess there is surgery for that I much rather natural though. I do love my tits, don't get me wrong I just have insecurities around them.

>>8193687
Just unpassing transsexual typically the older type that call eachother "hun" and shit

>>8193691
Oh, ha, I see. That will be me, pretending I'm cat woman.

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>tbqh everyone just genders almost anything femal imo
BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT

>>8195338
@ this motherfucker >>8193641

>>8195338
>>8195344
idk i don't look female,but that happens desu..

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>you liked stuffed animals when you were little, anon! This tranny thing is just a phase
>you're such a beautiful girl
>your lips are so full
>you have such long eyelashes
>you'll always be my little girl
>your [body] will never be masculine
>short guys are so ugly
>I want you to be a girl (cue sobbing for 6 hours)

Thanks, mom.

>>8198474
fuck off bdd passer shithead

>>8198783
wtf i'd love that kind of thing, are you ftm or something?

>>8198792
how do you know they pass?

>>8198783
>>8198798
ftm

>>8198815
>tbqh everyone just genders almost anything femal imo, like i don't pass in my eyes, but just get passed anyway.
it's textbook bdd asshole
>oh everyone just pity passes me!! why does everyone think i look like a girl when i can clearly tell i don't!!

>>8198868
I get gendered female 100% but still got clocked by a cis girl who goes to DRAG shows and a pre everything MtF. Also when I used to cashier with my tranny bangs parted I got gendered female less and a fat creepy Mexican man kept asking if it was my real name

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Hey /tttt/, I just had another episode. I was just going through the day doing my thing and somehow I ended up watching a bunch of Caitlyn Jenner Videos and had a re-emegence of feelings. I kept watching Blair white videos and looking at pretty cis women, and I guess I broke. I realized I'm never going to pass. I'm 5'10 and 150 pounds. I don't have any measuring tape but my shoulders are huge and my ribcage is like Bruce Lee's in enter the dragon. Then I looked at my back and saw not only how bad my posture was, but my giant Adams Apple, forward head syndrome, and extruding shoulder blades. Needless to say, dysphoria hit me like a train and j ended up saying that my life is over and I'll never pass, and I should just end myself or join the military and be a real man. I grabbed all the pills I had bought (just started taking them a few days ago) and was about to throw them away. But I just couldn't. I passed out and now I'm here. Fucking kill me. Literally every time I think I'm above this, or think I'm actually just a normal guy or think that I might look good in a few months it hits hard and I want to die. Is suicide the only answer? My life is a shell and I have nothing left to live for.

>crying every night because of how dude my face and shoulders are
>wish something will take my life
>only comfort is being modestly attractive as a feminine man, vanity that evaporates upon any genuine introspection

>>8200325
I understand that feel so much. Sometimes I see a very feminine appearance and start being happy, but then I'll look at myself other days and see a disgusting man. Even my perception of my photos I take changes with my mood. It's killing me honest.

>>8200098
how long have you been on hrt? you're definitely seeing things as worse than they are btw

and why do so many transwomen think getting into the military is that easy? if you have any history of mental illness you won't be accepted. bc of my self-harm scars there's no way i'd get in, for example

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>>8200340
Like, a week. Plus I was basically getting begged to join the military after high school, no one knows of my mental illness. I don't even know if the pills I was taking are real though, and I really want to see a therapist but they're so damn expensive.

I honestly feel like hrt is a meme. Does it actually change your appearance that much?

>tfw IRL friends and relatives keep expecting me to get better and happier the longer I'm on HRT and are just unrelentingly positive, talking about my 'new life as a woman' and how being myself is the most important thing ever and shit
>don't know how to break it to them I feel like a disgusting freak because I'm too masculinised and feel like a failure on the most fundamental of levels, because nobody likes a depressed person who doesn't fit their narrative of "it gets better!!!" and people just cut me off when they realise it probably isn't going to for me

>>8200098
If that's you in the pic I think you look fine. I'm ftm and my shoulders blades have always protruded. I also broke my collarbone so one of 'em sticks out twice as far. What I can see from the front your body looks like mine pre-T. I think things could work out for you anon.

>>8200387
We should start a hon legion Robin. Like a society of solemn sufferers, we can form a philosophy and a religion, sing hymns of suffering, and hold silent ceremonies when one our sisters is lost to suicide.

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>>8200392
>>8200392
I'm just an attention seeking whore I guess. You have no idea how amazing something like that is to hear though. The only way I'll ever know is if I go through with it. I'll just have to get a second job for the therapy I guess.

Funny thing is when I blew a gasket yesterday I told myself that I was being poisoned by this board and said ide never come back here again.

>>8200351
it changes your skin a lot and it balances you emotionally (which is kinda huge). i find it's repairing a lot of weird facial details as well, like i had bags under my eyes but they've faded since hrt. also ~no risk of pimples