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The act of sex and people in general kinda sucks? I got raped over a summer when I was young, I guess after that I was always hypersexual. I've kinda always focused on sex as a way of self worth to feel I'm still wanted. I honestly don't even see people as packages, more as certain desirable attributes I find as acceptable and I'm good. I Don't care if they are shitty people or not my "type".
I've been always told I'm good at sex but I find it boring. With a man or a woman, the only one I remember was another trans girl that made me gtfo because even though she passed, she was pre-hrt and the B.O. and stubble made me want to kill myself.
I just can't let anyone in close enough for me to feel invested. Most of the time I relive the rapes in my head during sex. My penis feels like a phantom limb and boobs ache a bit then I'll climax and shake it off and go home.
Its not like I don't have standards, it's just if I've known someone long enough I'll let them fuck me, mostly after they learn too much about me. Like I'm testing our friendship. Some stop talking to me after and I figure I'm too crazy for them, most who i stay friends with kinda hold me arms length. Like I'm a doll on top of a side table, mostly those people just booty call me because they know I can't feel love.
Is there a way to fix?
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Completely? No. You will be affected in some way forever. You can try to manage it. For me, it helps a lot jist to understand the deep details, why I do things and feel things. It helps me to accept and sometimes change, since now I know why, and my behavior isn't just some unsolvable tangle. I've been in therapy for nearly a decade, but I've finally made the kost progress now that I have a therapist who is actually trauma specialized.
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>>8109325
>therapist who is actually trauma specialized.
Maybe that's what I need. My current therapist hasn't really scratched the surface with me.
>You'll be affected forever.
I guess I kinda knew that. I really hate being so histrionic.
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>>8109216
What sorts of rapes were they?
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>>8113253
Being held down, anal. Telling them to stop. Black mailed about cross-dressing saying my parents would disown me. Saying he could be my boyfriend and that sex was normal. At first he would hump me by the end he did some physical damage and gave me bad hemorrhoids. He even used objects a couple times.
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>>8113540
Why don't you turn him in now?
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>>8113551
IDK because the evidence is circumstancial. He also left town once I turned 21 and started telling people. He lives in idaho(I Facebooked him).
I'm also scared about a profile court hearing were my sanity comes into question because I'm trans, also my family will probably be so ashamed of me. My parents never wanted to accept they are the ones who put me in danger so I've been called a slut/faggot by my mom most my life saying I was "experimenting" how do you experiment with someone twice your age? Duh fuck? My Dad doesn't even allow me to talk about it without threatening me about something. Even when I confessed to my parents I was trans they told me "no your not, that boy just fucked your brain to peices".
I really don't have anyone in my corner on this. So I pretend it didn't happen and now I don't trust anybody anymore. Usually I only tell people about the rape before they proceeded to have sex with me. It kinda proves that's all they wanted in the first place.
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