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So many of us have probably experienced self-esteem problems, which led us to making poor choices. This is our thread to put them out in the open.
I was going through a really bad time when I began transitioning. My parents essentially disowned me, I had no place to go, I was staying with friends and overstaying my welcome, I couldn't get or keep a job. My hair hadn't grown out yet or anything, and I had nobody to teach me to use makeup (and couldn't afford it eventually), so I probably looked ugly.
I met a guy online who claimed he wanted to help me. He told me all the things I wanted to hear. He was literally twice my age, but age is just a number, right? We met, he was nice, he bought my dinner and offered to let me stay at his place. I turned him down the first day, but since my only choice some nights was the Salvation Army, where some of the fucking weirdest guys stared at me for hours at night, I ended up taking him up on it within a week.
When he made moves on me the second night, I didn't object. I knew he wanted that, I knew by living there I would have to give him that, so I did. After that, he would buy my clothes, my makeup, pay my doctor visits, chose what I wore, even the underwear. So I let him do whatever he wanted.
It was gradually more and more kinky shit, including some light bondage. I just didn't care what happened to me for quite a while. Even when he brought in other men, I let it happen. He loved to watch, especially two on me at a time. My brain had turned off while my body changed, and I probably fucked a hundred men over the course of that year. Obviously he didn't know them either.
One day I looked in the mirror though and I realized I liked what I saw. It was an epiphany. So one night I got him really drunk, fucked him to sleep, gathered up my things, and I left. I took a bus to the opposite coast. Stayed at a shelter till I got a job. Changed my name. Got an apartment. That other person no longer exists.
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>>8017331
What age were you when this happened? That's the kind of traumatic life that could put someone off men for life.
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>>8017354
I was 19. I don't think it changed my outlook on men, just taught me to be more careful with who I trust.
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>>8017331
That sounds awful. How are you doing now?
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>>8018466
I don't know if awful is the right word for it. The messed up low self-esteem part of me enjoyed knowing I was making someone feel good. Eventually you develop a bit of a rush from making the man/men cum and wanting to hear how different men reacted to what you were doing. And it wasnt like it was daily, this happened maybe on the weekends, rarely during the week. He still had sex with me himself on an almost daily basis, and usually it was straight up normal sex. Only when he'd get an urge for a kink might he spend a week wanting to spank me or pee on me or something.
From my mental state now I know that's not a healthy lifestyle though. He was controlling me, despite me not actually telling him no.
I'm doing good now. I have friends, I fit in, I have a job, an apartment, a car. It's the most normal I've ever felt in a long time.
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this sounds awful
I've made lots of poor choices and shit friends but I got no real stories.
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>>8017331
Good on you getting your shit together. Did you at least leave him a note saying you were leaving?
My problem is that, being autistic, I didn't know I had to socialise and build contacts in school. Nobody taught me to pass a job interview, or the importance of making money while young. I missed out on knowing all sorts of shit regular people just understand naturally, because I never knew I had to learn it.
Then I went insane, which was pretty much caused by the credit crunch and recession. This wasn't helped by an emotionally abusive partner, either. I don't want to talk about that, however.
Having finally gotten out of that, I had to start learning all the shit I missed. This was not helped by being smashed in the head at work the xmas before last; it wasn't my first concussion, and recovering from the subsequent minor brain damage took months. My memory still isn't what it used to be, and it's frustrating.
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>>8021185
Related to this, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm paranoid from being picked on at school, I'm very slow to trust anyone emotionally, and I shy away from attachment to people because they'll just leave and hurt me.
And then they DO leave and hurt me despite my efforts to stay distant, which then makes my paranoia and avoidant behaviour worse. It's a vicious cycle that's going to leave me alone and friendless because I won't bother getting to know anyone.
It doesn't help that the years get shorter as I get older, so the cycle seems to shorten.
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>>8021185
I didn't leave a note. There was a period after my revelation where I began to resent him somewhat. There's more involved than I could explain, but at that time in my life I needed to be making decisions for myself, in order to discover who I was. I realized the thought of leaving terrified me because I didn't actually know how to take care of myself, and that made me angry that I had become completely dependent on someone.
I know now that he didn't truly want a partner in life, he wanted a plaything, even if he may have had feelings for it.
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