/repgen/ - Repression General

>>7913931
Would never trasnsition because id never pass, and im from a large family with many little siblings who look up to me. Plus im actually an attractive male, with a body of the gods once i can fill it out. Lifting works best to repress imo. If just starting out, do pushups right in the morning then in increments throughout day.

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>>7913931
My home is back

Someone saged my thread and told me to post it here

Every time I get close to transitioning or accepting I'm trans I repress as hard as possible. Like I'll be on inhousepharmacy about to order pills and I'll just snap. Start telling myself it wont work I'm a man I'll always look like a man I can't be a woman my life will be even harder if I transition. Then I'll proceed to do shit like work out for the next month then end up back on inhousepharmacy looking at the same pills as before. I've done this like 12 times I've even ordered them and I honestly felt better for the 2 weeks I took them before I threw them in the toilet and went back to repressing. Something is fucking wrong with me. I realize I want to be a girl I realize I will probably end up transitioning sooner or later based on how I've done this so many times. For some reason though I just can't accept it and do it now rather than later. I'm already 22 I know I don't exactly have years to accept this. I actually think I might be insane based on how I do this and how often I do this.

>>7913994
Lifted for 8 years did not help -_-, thoughts came back 10x harder.

>repressed for years without realizing it
>literally the least of my worries since
>too busy taking care of mentally handicapped little sister
>drunkard mother who emotionally abused us
>drug-addict brother constantly coming and going often leaving with our money
>and rich asshole father who stoked the flames from afar.


Currently have a gf and other than some occasional cross dressing I don't really feel the need, though if my relationship ends then I probably will.

>>7914056
Being trans drives you insane. Repression keeps growing and gnawing until you are a 40 yo family man wearing women's dresses at night and going out to gay clubs and sucking dudes off because you're a straight cis male.

Transition pre-everything is scary, hard, and the idea of doing it and failing is terrifying to the point of suicide. Being trans is life on Dante Must Die mode. The bitter truth is that almost everyone who chooses to repress will either: kill themselves, become a mindbroken degenerate, or live the most bitter, scathing life a person can live. Transition will either have you: kill yourself, become a mindbroken degenerate, detransition (see above), or maybe have something resembling a human life.

Your fear and anxiety is justified. Things are going to be hard for you if you have these feelings. Those who repress and manage to not kill themselves or go insane are the most stoic, manly men I can think of but I don't know if such a thing exists often or for too long before succumbing to things.

Personally, I waited until I was almost 22 to start transition despite going to therapy for years beforehand. I wouldn't even try hrt. It came to the point where I was going to kill myself or transition. When killing myself didn't go well, I went on hrt because I no longer carted about whether I lived or died. I was abusing drugs and landed in the hospital. Sexually assaulted twice in one year.

I'm recovering but dysphoria is the least of my problems now. I have something like a support network, though small. I feel like a human being, albeit a broken one. Before transition I never felt like I knew who I was, like the person I was was just a part I was playing. Unlife.

Stuff sucks. Transition or repress. Only choices. Both suck but transition has a chance of making you happier, imo. Repressionfags can do what they want. I understand some people aren't as lucky as me and transition could be a worse choice. All choices are bad.

>>7914449
Those three yours will cost you being able to pass.

>>7914467
Depends he will probably still pass if he starts at 18. If he started now he would look like a cis girl though.

>Why aren't you planning on transitioning?

Bad family situation and I'd never be a real man anyway. Just a failed woman.

>>7914520
That's interesting, I normally hear the opposite perspective of being a failed male. How are you a failed woman?

>>7914543
Well to start with, I want to be a man. I'm not attractive or feminine really in behavior. If I transitioned, I wouldn't be a woman really but I wouldn't be a man, just a freak.

>>7913931
too old and manly to ever look like a girl. why else would you?

>>7914552
In what way are you not feminine in behavior? Do you think you'd fit in well as a normal guy, not a freak, if you got to be a cis guy instead of only a trans guy?

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>>7913931
be 18
get trans feelings. repress by going abroad to study and making sure I had no time to even think about it much.
be 22 and graduated. still depressed and want to be girl
repress by doing internships abroad again and start a decent career
now 24, still drepressed and since I'm back in my own country, and my beard growth is starting to get stronger more dysphoric than I've ever been.

I've never ever known any girls personally myself because of boy school and carreer choices and have decidedly male job/hobbies so I'm probably just mentally ill and I don't know what I'm asking for.

Its going so well guys. just a few more years of repressing before I hopefully crash my car somewhere.

>>7913931
I'm 23 I have no job or money and I live with my parents. My life slowly deteriorated because my dysphoria got worse. Now I kind of just sit here and do nothing all day. I wish I could transition but jesus christ is it hard to just accept I'm trans and accept what transitioning could do to me.

>>7914650
You should've transitioned at 18 anon. You would've been much happier today after 6 years hrt. You probably even would've passed. Now you're just going to be miserable. But it's not too late for you. You can still get that happiness before you lose your chance forever. Transition anon.

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>tfw 2yrs on hrt
>tfw will never socially transition
hello darkness my old friend

>>7914697
Why not?

>>7914671
I know. I hate so much how other people sometimes go on about how impressed they are with me staying abroad and making a career for myself. while I just hate myself for it because I don't care about a stupid career or being successful, I was just fleeing from my own feelings and family. I literally feel dead inside I don't feel anything anymore, I'm just becoming more and more bitter.

>>7914711
I kinda know how you feel. I'm fucking dead inside and don't care about anything. If I died tomorrow I would even care.

>>7914700
because i'm a twinkhon who can't afford FFS

>>7914616
Cis guys have more flexibility with their masculinity. Yea, I would fit in well enough. I would do anything to be a cis man.

>>7914758
Iktf anon. I'm the op of >>7907836 and I'm basically perma boy mode. I'm completely fucked.

>>7914787
It's strange because I'm a failed male and being female would make that ok, so it feels like failing being being a woman doesn't make sense. As if it's just lower standards, so how could anyone who can make it as a man fail as a woman?

Being female feels like it would have more flexibility too, as though I need to be masculine to be a man but I don't need to be feminine to be a woman.

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>>7914856
Our perspectives probably just make us see it differently. That's definitely interesting though.

>>7914900
Yeah. I get get us each preferring the other side, but each seeing the other as easier is the weird bit! That's why I was curious about how you failed to be feminine enough to fit in as a woman.

>>7914961
I mean, I fit in with most other women. I'm always read as a cis girl until I say otherwise.

>>7914697
Opposite here. The light, it burns!

>>7915509
Explain?

>>7915254
So you're not feminine in behavior, but not so masculine that that it stands out as anything more than being a tomboy?

>>7915713
She presumably means she came out and socially transitioned without HRT.

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>>7913931
I hope i'm not seen as a intruder here, but hear me out.
I started transitioning a few years ago, most would say 'successfully' - parents and most old friends accept and love me, i got a nice job while studying, i did modeling without telling them i'm trans, even ended up with guys in bed after telling them i'm trans and that i have a pen which resulted in them being totally shocked that i in fact had one (?) and all this stuff, just to make sure you believe me i pass...
I don't know if it's because i had a few breakdowns since last summer, or that i OD on heroin on purpose 4x in the last few months (thank god for naloxone or not) or that my mood swings got so much worse, or that i could be homeless next week cause the bank won't continue my student loan or that i won't continue my job cause they hate me and i want to stop with studying cause i can't bear with the stress.... but i think i should stop. I don't feel trans anymore, i'm more unsure than ever.
Maybe it's because i don't know what dysphoria feels like anymore, maybe i don't know how much worse the year before were.
I just wish this wouldn't be needed. I wish i could just make friends with guys, or just live in an ideal gay relationship, just like i had them years ago. Instead i'm not leaving the house, while being physically totally empty and psychologically extremely hyperactive with sleep maybe 2x a week. I lost interest in any personal human contact, i don't want to be arround humans, it's worse than ever. I have no libido despite high T, middle E2 and low Pr. I don't feel lonely but i feel bad for not caring.

Shits just going down and i'm asking myself if i should repress again. I wouldn't change my legal stuff back to the original shitty name within this month, but maybe i won't give a fuck about passing anymore.
I don't know it's all so confusing. 24 btw.
Being seen as feminine male would be so much more easier in terms of friendships, partners, colleagues, career-wise, family wise

>>7913994
handsome people perceived as handsome men mostly turn into women look-wise
>>7914056
At the same time you feel that those things won't ever go away, they will only get worse, as seen on the internet 1000s of times. Get professional help, ask your doctor for help (they mostly seem like assholes but helped me a lot despite me thinking they were absolute assholes)
also 22 is young, stop reading too much mtfg
>>7914137
If there is an official caretaker, given by state f.e., for you sister: move out, maybe nearby where you can visit her now and then. Your mom will only make it worse, same with your brother. He has his drug problems, but maybe you could get him in your boat, telling him about how you feel. I wish i had a brother. You know how most men look from the outside but are absolutely understanding when asked personally.
Also gf: move with her, into her appartment? Also therapist, now. CDing won't help you for the rest of your life, it's only a small exhaust pipe for your feeling of how you want to be perceived
>>7914650
imagine yourself at age 30, beard going crazy, ruined skin, mostly manly, imagine how bad your dypshoria would be. It's not going away, it will get worse, so act now, even babysteps are better than nothing. Get help
>>7914657
what exactly could it do to you negatively?

>>7915832
Yea, I'm generally perceived as a tomboy at most or just weird.

>>7916170
>or that i won't continue my job cause they hate me and i want to stop with studying cause i can't bear with the stress....
Why do they hate you? Why is the studying so stressful?

If you don't think stopping would feel worse, then try it. Also, you can detransition socially and be a gay feminine male while keping the HRT if the problem is just social and not physical/hormonal.

>>7916344
How tomboyish are you perceived? What is so unfeminine that it's seen as outright weird, not even tomboyish?

>>7916170
fuck off

>>7916568
>implying detransition isn't repression

>>7916170
>>7916570
kill yourself

>>7916170
You ODed on Heroine FOUR times
You don't think your emotionally numb state has to do with Heroin abuse?
You've fried your brain, Ma'am, and you need to seek help for recovering from a near lethal addiction.

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>>7914033
your home is /mtfg/ Amy

>>7913931
Anti-psychotics+weed helped repress for 5 years.
>Why aren't you transitioning?
Forced repression.
>How do you plan to cope as your birth sex?
Either transition or up my doses.

>>7914137
>>too busy taking care of mentally handicapped little sister
>>drunkard mother who emotionally abused us
>>drug-addict brother constantly coming and going often leaving with our money
>>and rich asshole father who stoked the flames from afar.
This is copy-paste of my family i'm the drug-addict brother

>>7917523
Your little brother is a repressed mtf too? I guess it does run in families.

>>7917535
My little brother is 12 i doubt it, all his sisters are older as well. + his the golden child without a defence force father in denial, if he was mtf he has no reason to repress. This isn't the same family just similar.

>>7916429
i never really got into their circles. They always go quiet when i enter the room, they do parties all the time without telling me, they don't really talk to me all that much.
Shortly after coming out some called me names, always called me 'he' (well, esp one guy) and i feel like they hate me, i'm not welcome. My boss is dope though.
Studying is just too much, i was in the hospital for months and due to not having basic education (there are alternative education way here) i have to catch up with so much shit, i would've never guessed to end up at an university.
>>7917428
I don't really feel different, feel-wise or intelectually (i swear to god if i wrote that wrong...)
Using drugs helped me a lot when i felt suicidal but thats how dependecy begins, right? Still, since years i do drugs (not just h) like once or twice a week, sometimes not for a month.
Recovering isn't possible, if i stop working i won't have the money to pay rent or food, if i don't study i lose additional money and without this degree my chances are pretty bad.

Overall i think i would be more miserable, i've slept about 'that'. Still i feel shitty but i guess this is not the right place.

>>7918208
>due to not having basic education (there are alternative education way here) i have to catch up with so much shit, i would've never guessed to end up at an university.
How does that work?

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Jesus=repression

kid=gay/trans person going down the false path route of "accepting themselves"

>>7918212
I did an apprenticeship and during that i got additional qualifications, searched for a school that would take me, ended up with a bachelors degree and after another interview for my qualifications at the university, i got that too. Currently in a masters program, hopefully followed by a phd. I started at age 15 and am now 22. I'm proud in that regard, but a bachelors is like nothing

>>7918270
What do you need to catch up on that wasn't covered by your additional qualifications and bachelors?

>>7918284
University standards, basics for most of the modues like complex physics, even basic latin letters and much more. It's just too much but i would be an idiot for stopping now.
Working half-time to pay for living doesn't help, somehow i seem to be the only one here working and getting additional support by a loan.
It's not fair yada yada yada but i can't and won't ask people i know for money. I want to make it on my own.
Still, it kills me and thinking about continuing makes me anxious.

>>7918295
>University standards, basics for most of the modues like complex physics, even basic latin letters and much more.
The university standards are so complex they need to be covered in normal schooling? That seems really unfair since there must be many people who went your apprenticeship route.

The latin letters can just be looked up? But I can see how the physics basics can be a problem. Surely the degree would require a qualification in the basics if the course assumed students have them?

>>7918305
>That seems really unfair since there must be many people who went your apprenticeship route
According to other students, several professors and their administration i'm their first, at least at that uni-complex with about 400 employees and 4k students or something.
Others from my old school continued but stopped after a year, like 3 or 4 are at some other university.

>>7918309
That really is very unjust.

>>7918336
There are people with rich parents and people with middle-class parents, and many with poor parents. Yes that is in fact unfair, but no reason to give up or boo-hoo arround.
I'm in the process of getting on their 'disability' program (which is something different than you would guess) to get some better conditions, like more time for studying and maybe longer time for exams, i got a diagnosis for depression, trannyness and so on, so maybe that will work.

>>7918345
True. What is the 'disability' program?

It would be very impressive if you could get it for depression and GID. Report back if you can, because it could be a big win for trans civil rights in your country.

>>7918387
Well, i got numerous diagnoses, most of them mentally. Every university has one, it's not specific for trans-people.
I lost like a year, so with proof of my stays and all the doc-letters i'm pretty sure i will get on it.
It's not as unusual as you think, people with tinnitus, with ADS, with bad writing skills (whatever you call that at your place), with bad vision and/or hearing... all those are usually accepted.

>>7913931
I repressed my whole life and I'm 23 now. I hate myself a lot and think I will end up either transitioning or killing myself but I just can't bring myself to actually transition.

>>7913931
replacing my problems with all of the crap that comes with transition is a bad trade

I'm just going to be a fem guy

>>7918956
depends, what kind of problems are associated with not transitioning? How will those be in 10 years? Does it outweight the benefits of transitioning (yes)?
>>7918859
you won't kill yourself, thats not even a possibility. You said it on your own, you will end up transitioning sooner or later, so why don't you start, get help before your chances dimish even more at age 24?

>>7913931
As long as I keep myself busy it's not so bad. If I make sure I don't just sit here doing nothing or sit here just browsing the internet I usually can deal with it. I work go home either go out or play video games. I just need to always be doing something constantly to avoid thinking about it or I get really dysphoric. Someday I'm sure I wont be able to keep myself busy and it might get bad then. It's hard to repress but I'm sure it's just as hard to transition probably even harder but I just don't know. I'm pretty sure I'm fucked either way.

>>7913931
I'm a large masculine looking older AGP and i'd be quite a hon. I smoke weed, play video games and try to get /fit/. Losing weight has made me feel better so I might as well see it through and experience life as a /fit/ man(I was weak and obese as a teenager). What's strange is I can feel some AAP sometimes when flexing in the mirror, although that might be a cismale thing.

I also have some anxiety about giving up my maleness. I feel more comfortable, safer and secure as a man.

https://img.ifcdn.com/images/7dbbd852f3f1113d5aae289d827fc4c73cb3a235af95617508743103dac30a88_1.jpg

>>7920921
>What's strange is I can feel some AAP sometimes when flexing in the mirror
Maybe the self-directed part of your AGP stays even when you're not enjoying your body out of gynephilia.

>>7920985
Yes that's what I suspect. Throughout my life i've been in either AAP or AGP mode. It varies depending on how repressed my AGP is.

>>7921271
It's interesting that the one can switch into the other. It seems the gender and direction are two independent things.

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>>7920632
>Someday I'm sure I wont be able to keep myself busy and it might get bad then
You just stated it yourself, someday it won't be possible to ignore it any longer. Please, get help now while having a chance at transitioning, better now than in 20 years!
> It's hard to repress but I'm sure it's just as hard to transition probably even harder but I just don't know
It's not easy-peasy, thats for sure, but you will feel better. It has it's ups and downs but it will be worth it, believe me. Not getting help or not transitioning will destroy you even further, sooner or later, so why wait so long? Give it a shot.
> I'm pretty sure I'm fucked either way.
See it this way: You are fucked 100% if you continue with repressing, BUT you don't know how fucked (or not fucked?) you'll be when you transition. Get what i wanna say?

Give it a shot, get help, don't do nothing, you know it will get worse. We all have been there.
>>7920921
>I feel more comfortable, safer and secure as a man.
Then why are you saying you're repressing? If you feel good as a men, why transition?
If it's the case: don't "transition" if you just get off from feminiziation. It will nuke your T, your sex drive will go away and you basically get real dysphoria and end up fucked for life.
>>7918387
update: i have to ask my office for a more suitable and 'fair' master-program. Apparantly it's a case-by-case decision by their headquarters. You have to prove that the diagnosis will seriously impair you ability to study and take part in exams like everyone else.
I'll keep you updated <3

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>tfw your boyfriend comes back and saves you from transition

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x28YxQ6Uq0U

>>7925076
>>tfw your boyfriend comes back and saves you from transition
explain this

>>7925146
>broke up when I snapped and started hrt
>regret it a month in
>he forgives me

I literally prayed to God for him to come back so I take it as a sign

>>7925217
>>regret it a month in
>month

but nothing happens in a month time

>>7925217
why did you snap? i hope you can be happy as a guy this time.

>>7925225
I didn't want the emotional changes and a life of pain, hardship, and constant fear of the world

>>7925234
Yeah. I have closure since I tried it

>>7916535
Late response, I've been basically sleeping and working the Dysphoria away. I assume I look weird, since all I wear is too-big clothes and try to bind.

>>7925253
what the emotional changes didn't you want?

>>7925349
Made me feel extra lonely and very distressed

>>7924841
>Then why are you saying you're repressing? If you feel good as a men, why transition?
>If it's the case: don't "transition" if you just get off from feminiziation. It will nuke your T, your sex drive will go away and you basically get real dysphoria and end up fucked for life

Well part of me would like to be a woman. It's just that I feel like I'll have a better life as a masculine man than an ugly tranny. Perhaps i'm not as dysphoric as some, but I had stronger dysphoria a year ago.

>>7926672
Should clarify, I don't necessarily feel good as a man, but weed helps me through life as one. I'm just concerned being a tranny would make me feel worse because i'd be a shit tier one.

>>7918859
22 here
I read this and thought I wrote it for a second

Might as well give hrt a shot. If you fail you can either kms or live happier with more feminine features.

I'm pre-hrt as well but if I fail I just want to avoid aging as a male. Testesterone scares the fuck out of me.

>>7913931
I had a dream my penis started growing hair even though I thought my body was done masculinizing.

I'm not a real person and never will be and it's unbearable.

I am repressing for my boyfriend and I don't want him to catch me taking hrt

Very AGP, I want to be a girl so bad, I'm only 19 and pretty cute already there so I could probably pass well, but I have a pretty big extended family, I want to live abroad which seems awkward for an mtf, I want biological kids and a family, and I'm Christian. It's really not worth it to transition but it's pretty hard to cope when I spend so much time shopping for girls clothes :3

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>>7913931
>tfw reading all these posts make me happy i stopped repressing

>>7934717
please help us. tell us where we're making the mistakes that leave us thinking we shouldn't transition.

>>7933076
>It's really not worth it to transition
Why not? The fact that you want to and can pass is most of the reason to do it already. Are you dysphoric? Would your family disapprove?

>I want biological kids and a family,
Bank sperm.

>I'm Christian
How does this affect your decision specifically?

>>7916170
Stop doing drugs and get a different job you dumb fuck

I have deep rooted feelings and desire to be a girl, to be sexy. Transitioning seems terrifying though :< the societal pressure and what my family would think about me keeps me back though. I even feel uncomfortable talking about this to my therapist. Maybe I just need someone to talk to...

>tfw flight to hypermasulinity my whole life

Couldnt accept myself and was completely miserable without knowing why until i hit my early twenties at uni, have only come out to my accepting wife and mate, dont plan to go any further, just cry into a bottle of vodka on my wifes lap occasionally.

>>7936276
>are you dysphoric?
Yes, but it's not as severe as I've seen other people describe

>would your family disapprove?
My family would definitely disapprove, they found my herbal hormones once and confronted me about it so I backtracked and said I hated trans people and threw them away ;_;

>bank sperm
Yes, this is an option but I think it'd be hard to make a "real family" as trans, especially here in the Philippines.

>how does this affect your decision?
I don't know if it's a sin or how the church would react, I guess I need to read more for now.

>>7937394
>I don't know if it's a sin
There's a great book by Mark Yarhouse all about transgenderism as it relates to Christianity. Give it a look if you can. I'm a trans Christian myself and I don't see any evidence pointing to it being a sin, but that's just my interpretation. I can't speak for how your church will react though.

>>7936564
>I have deep rooted feelings and desire to be a girl, to be sexy. Transitioning seems terrifying though :<
You can't be a girl...

>>7913931
I used to repress and got several mental problems, I am recovering just now and starting transition, better wanting to kill myself than my mind literally kill myself.

>>7940348
>better wanting to kill my self then my mind literally killing it's myself.
I know that feel.
I also find it nice that at least I now know why I wanted to kill my self.

>>7940435
>I now know why I wanted to kill my self.

this is one of the reasons repressing makes me so sad

i know why but I'm not doing anything about it

I feel like I'm slowly going insane because I'm trans but I'll never be a girl aka i'll never be a real person

right now I'm basically just a thing that exists

I got a bf to dominate. We're gonna cuddle soon.

>>7937394
My suggestion is that you don't let what other people think affect your decision. It's your life and your decision, and if this makes you happier without hurting them (which it doesn't really; the only reason it does is because they're irrationally bothered by it, not because it actually affects them at all), then you have no reason not to do it. Beyond that, they don't have anywhere near the same understanding of how you feel and how this affects you as you do, nor will they have conducted the same amount of thought and research that you will, so they're not qualified to assess the correctness of your decision. You can take their advice, but consider their arguments on their own merit. "It's morally wrong" or "you're supposed to be a man" aren't good arguments. Since if you are trans then repressing doesn't work, the only arguments that do apply are that you're not really trans, because you're not going to be able to stop being trans nor are you going to be able to cope without treatment if you are (or at least you'll be significantly less happy without it, if it's not so severe for you).

It can't be a sin to seek treatment for a seriously debilitating, chronic, incurable medical condition which you developed through no fault of your own (and which current scientific understanding seems to suggest you were born with, even). Only a very cruel god would consider it otherwise.

>Yes, this is an option but I think it'd be hard to make a "real family" as trans, especially here in the Philippines.
That's true, and something to take into account. However, if you're not happy with yourself and your body, you're not going to be able to have a normal, stable, happy relationship. Many people have repressed for the sake of their relationships and it does not go well. Perhaps one way to look at it is that a relationship is a way to be happy, and if you have to sacrifice your ability to feel happy to have one, it defeats the point.

There are people who are accepting

>>7937394
>>7942890
> It's your life and your decision, and if this makes you happier without hurting them (which it doesn't really; the only reason it does is because they're irrationally bothered by it, not because it actually affects them at all)
To clarify here since the way I wrote it was confusing: it doesn't harm others to transition. They might be bothered by it, but they don't have good reasons to be, and it doesn't affect them in any other way than their irrational or misinformed aversion to it. Their reason for not wanting you to transition doesn't even compare to your reason for wanting to.