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I've been more or less bi my whole life. I get equally as aroused by straight and gay sex but am more drawn to bottom stuff with men. Being top with a guy just doesn't interest/arouse me as much since I already get a lot of satisfaction/fulfillment from being the top with women.
However I feel absolutely terrible after I cum during gay sex or finish masturbating to gay porn. I feel intense shame, self-loathing, disappointment. This feeling will usually last around 15-30 minutes but then I'll get turned on by the idea of gay sex again. Obviously it totally ruins actual gay sex for me. I always try to be the last one to cum for this reason. And once I do cum I have to force myself to continue acting normal even though I feel terrible. Almost feels like I am raping/abusing my own self when I continue having gay sex during that 15-30 minute self-loathing period after cumming. Cuddling/Kissing a guy also brings out that intense feeling of self-loathing and self-disgust. Oddly enough I feel much more comfortable with blowing a dude than kissing or hugging him.
I have none of those problems with chicks though. I absolutely love touching, kissing, cuddling women and being very sensual. With women the pre-sex and post-sex is as great as the actual sex. With dudes I'm only into the actual, raw fucking. No sensual stuff, nothing romantic, etc.
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>>7910883
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I've realized that a lot of this self-loathing seems to stem from the fact that I view myself as a very masculine, alpha-type male and my mind apparently has a problem reconciling that with my desire to do submissive gay acts.
I've become openly bi-sexual, I don't try to hide it anymore and I've started embracing it. But I still can't get rid of that post-ejaculation self-loathing feeling and I still feel uncomfortable being sensual with men.
This has been going on for years now and nothing has changed, I really don't know what to do anymore. I just either want to be completely comfortable fucking both men or women or just get rid of my gay side and remain entirely hetero.
How the fuck do I rewire myself? Anybody been in a similar situation?
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>>7910883
Sounds like you should just repress your gay side and embrace being straight, since it would not be fun for either you or your gay partner for you to become a sobbing shame-filled mess every time you ejaculate. You would be happier with women, and gay men would be happier without you.
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>>7910902
Trust me I've tried. I've gone months without gay sex / gay porn but eventually the urge always becomes too great and I'm back to hating myself
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>>7911048
Well could you just keep it as a fetish that you occasionally indulge by jerking off? And otherwise just live a normal life as a straight dude?
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