Gender stories

2/2

Once I had my kid and for the few weeks I was breastfeeding it really felt like there had been something wrong with me my whole life and now it was finally fixed, but for a bunch of reasons I had to stop breast feeding and once my periods came back I returned to the way I was before, this complete absence of femininity. I've been sad about this ever since.

It's been two years now and it hasn't gotten any better. I really feel like I have been silently hollow my whole life, I'm not sure if it feels like emptiness because something that should be there isn't or deep grief at finally understanding that I was never a girl inside to begin with and that's why I was always so driven to act like I did.

I really don't feel like it should be a big deal at all, but it is. I never got along with woman much before but now I feel bad everytime they get all girly at me and I can't act so back, or when someone asks me about make-up and I tell them I dont wear it and they look at me funny, because I know they have something that I dont and i'll never be apart of that, but I'll never be a guy either.

i thought it would be enough just to be honest with myself and like who i am, but it still hurts when I think about how long this has been affecting me and what to do with myself now.

Can I do anything to stop feeling like I'm broken?

>>7852614
>>7852616
It sounds like you were happy not being girly, but hormones gave you a taste of what you were missing and now you want that.

You could try enjoying guy things again so that you stop feeling jealous of being girlier. I don't know how to go about that, but just making the most of friendships with guys (and other less feminine women) and enjoying that kind of activity is the general way to do it. You mentioned that you'll never be a guy, so find friends to whom that doesn't matter, so that you can feel like part of the group the same as the guys, not as the one girl.

Instead or as well, you could get into girlier things. Do they and find people who enjoy them as much as you are comfortable with, so that you don't feel left behind or jealous by them being much girlier than you. Then you can gradually be part of the things women are without just feeling entirely different.

When you went back to how you were after your pregnancy, why did you feel sad? If your femininity during it came from the hormones, then I would have thought without them you'd lose the enjoyment of them along with the desire to be feminine. Interesting that you lost the desire but kept the enjoyment or memory of enjoyment.

>>7852638
mostly I;m sad because I never realised how deep this went. I really thought I was a girl in nature just not in nurture, i've never been so wrong about something.
I don't really want to go back to feeling like a girl like i was when i was pregnant because I like who I am, and I like my friends who i wouldn't of made if I hadnt been me, but I spent so many years at constant conflict with people like my friend's girlfriends and I know thats never going to change.

I;m just kinda confused because now I realised what's up, I don't want people to treat me as a girl when its not there, but on the otherhand i dont wanna tell people because it feels too private. I really wish I could just be one thing or the other, not something in between. Which i get is as pointless as asking a rock not to be a stone but I still feel like I want to fix myself somehow.

>>7852614
>>7852616
>slightly masculinate woman
>no physical dysphoria, actively got pregnant which is the most womanly thing you can do
>'not 100% female'
as a trans man, if i were feeling less empathetic i'd advise suicide, but i'm trying to not fall to the greater internet fuckwad theory too much and you're probably a good person
at any rate, let me make this clear: you are a completely 'binary' woman who is in no way on any kind of transsexual spectrum
have you been checked for any kind of hormone imbalance?

>>7852614

Do you have pcos or something? I've heard stories like this on several occasions from women who had low estrogen/high testosterone, who became a lot more comfortable with their bodies after taking a testosterone blocker and/or estrogen.

>>7852664
>actively got pregnant which is the most womanly thing you can do
plenty of mtfs have kids before transition.

>>7852664
>>7852677
maybe? i see what your both saying...

I really dislike having a female body, either the internal stuff needs to be more female or the body need to be male to reflect whats naturally inside. The only thing I liked about being female was that other woman made more sense, i felt like there was this whole new group i could be apart of. I wouldn;'t actually choose to be like that though.
I have been considering if I would be happier living life as a male but I don't think I could handle how that would affect the people around me, especially my dad and my son.

>>7852664
>>7852677
I might go for a walk and give this sort of line of thinking some more thought, do a bit of research and see if the idea of just some messed up hormones help me feel better about all of this.

For now, thanks for your thoughts people and have a good night!

>>7852638
oh, and thank you too!

I don't think I really know how to help you but just wanted to say good luck op hope you can figure things out.