I need clarification.

It's shameful to say but my sister came back from living in vegas about a year ago claiming she was trans (ftm). He goes on about gay relationships in tv shows and projects her gay thoughts on to every character. Obviously she is a supernatural fan and writes fan fiction a lot. I am honestly annoyed by this because she is prone to counter culture fads and talks about it like it solves all of her problems which she has more than her fair share of. I just seems like some fantasy where she finally becomes who she's meant to be and all the bad things go away, but that is not life. Not to mention it is my most suppressed desire that she is just throwing around on facebook and twitter like its candy. She/ he hasn't transitioned yet but where's trendy guy clothes and has her hair cut really short. It's shallow but I just can't listen to her talk anymore. She is exactly like the guy who calls all women hot constantly, only wears wife beaters, and makes a game out of finding gay allusions in media.

Now if I ever even did come out as gay or even trans, I would never hear the end of it. Makes me want to tear my hair out.

>>7481115
Sorry for typos. I'm on a phone.

>>7481115
What the hell is Supernatural and what's the hubbub about it? Does your sibling also watch Dr. Who?

this sounds a lot like me

>>7481160
Look up supernatural, then lookup dean/Castiel and you'll have all the relevant deets.

Pretty much it is a new age soap opera about two brothers hunting monsters, then demons, then angels, then god himself. They literally kill death. They raise the bar to unbelievably astronomical levels.

>>7481166
So what do you do about it? Do you also have dreams of a still ocean stirring into skyscraper sized waves?

>>7481204
>new age soap opera
>monsters, demons, angels, death personified
bleh

>>7481294
Right? To be fair some of the dialogue is pretty good. The acting can be really broody sometimes but it's better than a real soap. Most of the episodes aren't plot related and release the exaggerated emotional tension with interesting characters.

>>7481210
i havent had any dreams like that, but what i do to alleviate my discomfort is be as female as i feel like. i already look passable as it is aside from my height. I have long hair, i shape and paint my nails, anything to make me feel better about myself, but i know i will probably not transition, thats too big of a step for me when i can cope in the body i have.

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this thread needed a picture

>>7481329
Good for you! I have never been comfortable in my body and I can't stand pictures of me. It's kind of strange. I feel I idealize either a shorter cute guy look or the aesthetic of an old wise intellectual with a sharp nose and a glorious beard like some 19th century philosopher haha. I don't want to just vent but my main question I guess is whether I'm just a sexually frustrated young adult or if there is something more insidious lurking underneath.

I've come to the point where I'm trying to rationalize and justify my lack of satisfaction. The thing that gets me though,are these odd symbolic dreams of something being repressed and feeling constantly like there is subtle anger in me. I don't know. I just need to untie some knots.

>>7481389
Classic.

I remember doing this regimen in high school and trying the ice cube trick.
Good times.

>>7481409
try cross dressing regularly, i tried that in my teens and it helped answer a lot of questions. if you like it and that was all you needed, then good for you, you have an outlet. but if you still feel trapped, you could go further

>>7481433
This is actually really helpful. I do just need some way to get it out of my system. I don't have any clothes anymore thanks to my sister getting rid of her old wardrobe for somewhat coincidental reasons. I can come up with some ways to get relief.

>>7481458
honestly, no one will look at you weird for going into a store and walking out with 6 outfits, 3 pairs of shoes, and way too much make up. people have a habit of writing stuff off, "hes just getting it for his girlfriend". and that way no one gets mad when they find their new expensive bra missing

>>7481471
I would love to, but I am in a pretty inadequate point in life. I'd rather not get into it, but suffice to say I don't have transportation.

I occasionally shave my body and enjoy some different sorts of stimulation. That tends to help a bit. It also make me more conflicted in other ways. Like why am I attracted to the thought of being a girl and the submissive essence of it but big manly guys are kind of repulsive? I don't know if I could have sex with a girl but a girly guy would be in some ways easier. But maybe not?

It seems kind of contradictory, like something blown to ridiculous proportions.

>>7481115
If you are 6'4'' and are intent on repressing forever, no matter how you look at it, your "trender" sibling has more of a chance of being seen a "real man" than you ever have of being seen as a "real woman". So there's that. Sounds like you're just jealous.

>>7481501
That's exactly it. That's why it's shameful and shallow. What sucks is I can't talk to anyone about it and just being aware of my immature emotions doesn't make them change. So what do I just suppress that too? I've only got so much room before I burst or my hair turns white.

>>7481508
How old are you again? 6'4'' means you'll probably never pass, but I just want to assess everything.

>>7481518
im 6'3'' and i get called miss and ma'am all the time without trying

>>7481518
I'm almost 21.

>>7481521
You are kinda fucked. But not just because you're tall and getting up there in age. But also because you are a girl. It's obvious from your story and the way you post about this. And eventually you will cave and transition. So even though it's hopeless, my advice would probably be to come out to your family and start the process now.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but I don't humor repression, it's a dead end that leads nowhere.

>>7481529
then what does that mean for me ;-;

>>7481520
I also have a prominent brow, nose and adam's apple. I wish I could just have flings occasionally but I guess some people just get shafted in life.

>>7481529
Wow. Reading your comment scared the shit out of me. I saw the third line and my chest swelled with heat. I can't. I don't know what to think but you know how impossible this is. I can't just not do it and be happy? I just want to be comfortable.

>>7481530
>>7481532
Don't know which of you is OP, but I'm serious. Come out to your family, the New Year is a perfect opportunity.

>>7481545
im the one with the girly face, ;-; does this mean im a girl too?

>>7481545
What come out as a girl? I will never be one. I wish I could with all my soul, but I can't. Some things just seem to be random and I got two random pieces that won't fit. I am not even that experienced sexually so how would I know? It's much more practical to call it an intense fetish or something.

>>7481563
why not both?

>>7481567
Both what?

>>7481569
you can be a girl and get turned on by it, nothing wrong with that

>>7481571
But I am ugly and tall with giant feet. I don't want to be a gangly beaked witch. I can't get what I want so what happens? I live an awful angry life? Maybe, but I just need the strength to keep my shit together. I can't invest in fantasy.

>>7481578
makeup hun, dont under estimate its power

>>7481584
I don't live in a progressive area. Im in a small town in Kansas where everyone drives a truck and more than half the population is elderly. My friends would call bullshit. It's one thing for a girl to transition, but guys are more pressured when it comes to these things traditionally. I have maybe 3 friends, no job, I live at home, no education though I'm really trying, I just don't have the authority and independence to make such a claim.

Goddamnit. I need some fucking therapy.

>>7481544
>I saw the third line and my chest swelled with heat.

I am very familiar with this feeling and you probably have a good inkling as to what it means for you.

>>7481563
>I will never be one.
>I wish I could with all my soul, but....

You idiot, if you "wish it with all your soul", then you're already a girl. I'm not even saying this to make you feel better, I know this isn't what you want to hear because you'd rather repress forever like a baby, despite the fact that your family already accepts your trans brother.

Let's run down your thread. You came onto /lgbt/ to ask whether you miiight possibly be trans (already a bad sign), just because:

>So my FIRST MEMORIES I HAVE are of following my older sister into my mothers closet to wear her high heels and taking off my underwear to wear these blue and white polka dot panties with red frilly material on the waist lining. I remember doing the latter A LOT.
>I remember thinking frequently that I WOULD BE HAPPIER AND MORE INVESTED IN LIFE IF ONLY I WERE A GIRL. This came with ideation of whether I would transition in the future.
>I don't want to be tall, but it is the circumstance I find myself in. I have even looked in to SHORTENING SURGERY HAHA.
>Not to mention it is MY MOST SUPPRESSED DESIRE that she is just throwing around on facebook and twitter like its candy.

So your literal FIRST MEMORIES are of dressing as a girl. You think about transition frequently because being a girl would make you happier and more invested in life. You have literally looked into "height shortening surgery". And you're deeply jealous of your transgender brother. And allow me to reiterate that you're on /lgbt/ asking if you're trans at this very moment.

Now, ignoring whether or not you're a girl... Do these really sound like things that a GUY would say, think, or feel?

It's not my concern if you repress for the rest of your life, but it won't change the truth. You will be a girl even as you die without anyone ever knowing.

>>7481529
I don't know who said this but thank you. Maybe I'm just in a weird mood tonight but you really connected with something and I appreciate it.

>>7481629
How do I know for certain? I'd be abandoning everything I have. Can I just be a girl in a guys body? How does that even make sense?

I really feel close to this but I just don't know what I can do about it. I hardly even understand.

I remember once when I was tripping in the shower. My body started changing into a woman's and at first I was really embarrassed. I realized people would just have to get used to it and I smiled with contentment.

It still just seems impossible.

It is literally my most haunting nightmare that people will find out about these feelings. It feels like the world would end if my family knew.

>>7481656
>Can I just be a girl in a guys body? How does that even make sense?

Well that's already where you're at right now, I guess the question becomes whether you can be content with that for the rest of your life. Remember that you still have like 60 years of this to get through, do you really think you can hold out that long?

>I remember once when I was tripping in the shower. My body started changing into a woman's and at first I was really embarrassed. I realized people would just have to get used to it and I smiled with contentment.

Jeez lol. You're kinda cute actually. But it's quite sad.

>>7481672
But won't I look like an old man anyway? It seems like this would just buy me a few happy years if it even does work out.

>Jeez lol. You're kinda cute actually. But it's quite sad.

Yeah I told the guy I was tripping with how I felt later, but it was weird. His great hippy idea was that in a past life my sister and I were opposite genders.
I could never really follow through with conversations about it, cause I don't like talking about sexual things in person and he always took it there.

>>7481699
>But won't I look like an old man anyway?
lol thats not how hormones work

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It might be bad to post my face on an anonymous board but who cares.
This is me when I was a freshman and now. Do you think I ever had a chance? It seems like if I would have told someone my feelings in high school I might have had a chance, but now I'm stuck.

>>7481802
>that pic on the left

Sigh. It's really dumb that your family never noticed anything. Also you look incredibly sad in both pics.

You obviously had better chances back in high school, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have no chance now. I think I would be able to judge better after you shave, your beard makes it difficult to judge some of the most important features when it comes to passing, such as jaw/chin.

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>>7481867
I have always looked sad for some reason. It's probably something to do with my eyes.

I only looked at this picture on the left when I posted it and it was immediately shocking. My hair got longer than that and I used to shave my legs more back then. There is a distinct femmenine presence though.

In high school I would wear big coats and either skip class or just sit doing nothing until the day was over. I have always love music and was exceptional in it. I played in several bands (jazz band, marching, and out of school groups with friends or professional musicians) I sang in every choir group and took lessons in several instruments. I don't want to exaggerate gender stereotypes but I only include this because the arts are considered more feminine I guess and maybe it was a way to express in a way my body couldn't.

Then the day I turned 18 I stayed home and never went back. It's hard to get across how uncomfortable I was and how badly my anxiety affected me without seeming lazy or something, but I think there was some hidden cause behind it all. I never felt like I could express myself. Like everything I said was a lie.

I'm really sorry that I'm just throwing it all out there like I want you to pitty me, I'm just trying to get some context together. If anything it helps me see the grander scheme of things,

Anyways, I shaved for you. It was about time anyway but I don't think it makes me look any happier lol.

>>7482089
Yeah, it's your eyes.

You don't look happier but I don't think you're too far gone, I have a friend IRL who started at 21 who doesn't PASS pass, but she's decently attractive and lives with her girlfriend now, she seems happy. And really that's pretty much all you can ask for in this life.

I would say to come out to your brother first if coming out to the whole family is too much for you right now, since he's also trans and probably knows more about resources near you.

>>7482089
You actually can pass with a lot of effort.

Start by plucking your brows and giving them a feminine shape and you will believe me.

Honestly, I'm relieved. When I read these threads, OP posts a pic and its just so fucking hopeless that I don't even reply anymore I close the tab because it makes me sad, but you are okay.

>>7482112
Thing is, she hasn't done anything aside from cut his hair short. I don't want to bother my family with this considering my dad is in Afghanistan and we're under enough stress as it is. I'll try to push for a therapist in the meantime but I should be sure before I commit. I'll decide this year.

Are there any good sources for this kind of conundrum? Also I've been seeing the agp meme a lot. Is it really a one or the other kind of deal? Or merely memery?

>>7481329
Could you cope with the body you have once it grows much more masculine with age? Not to push the idea that you might be trans even if you're not, but it's an important question, and many MtFs go though similar experiences then feel dramatically worse once their body is no longer feminine enough to be comfortable with (and by that point it's too late).

If you have actual discomfort with your masculinity rather than just preferring to be feminine then it's even more important to consider.

>>7482153
If you care about being a girl during masturbation/sex, then you are AGP.

If you want to be a girl 24/7 then you are trans.

If both, then you are both but at that point it's irrelevant to say you are AGP since how would you have sex otherwise.

>>7481563
You don't have to come out. That's not the immediate problem. If you really want this, then getting on HRT make your body more how you want it (whether or not it ends up good enough in the end) and at least stop getting worse is the main priority. Coming out is a lot of stress and bullshit to deal with, and you don't need more of that, especially when it would be hard to explain things clearly when you're still like this. You have no obligation to come out; it's a thing you're "supposed" to do but if it doesn't help you then you don't actually need to.

Do what makes you feel better and figure things out.

>>7482155
I don't know for sure. I stare at my face in the mirror a lot and it's like I don't even see myself. I do hate my height and I've always liked my slender figure. I've never worked out too much cause I didn't want to get big and muscular.

Any ways I took a pic of me in my jammies to really get across the height thing. I'm built like a telephone pole haha.

>>7482153
This is a time-sensitive problem; the longer you take to get on HRT the worse your body will become, permanently. Regardless, you can't hide your important problems just because other things are going on. You're suffering like this.

A therapist would be a very good idea, but if you need to talk to your family then do that too.

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>>7482197
Oops forgot pic.

>>7482168
>If you care about being a girl during masturbation/sex, then you are AGP.
That's not how AGP works. Obviously non-AGPs care about being female during sexual acts too. Also, AGP doesn't just apply to sexual situations (though it can and usually does in addition to other situations); it's almost the opposite in fact, in that it's defined by being aroused by the your own femininity in itself. That means that even things like being treated as female in day-to-day situations, or doing typically feminine things, or the feminine aspects of your own body, are all able to arouse you in contexts which are not otherwise sexual.

>>7482168
>>7482174
>>7482204

I'm definitely going to consider it but I need to ask myself how I feel tomorrow. This is the most I have reached out about my feelings and there is a lot to think a bout all at once. If any of you have transitioned how did you know? I definitely have a lot of signs but this is a really soft science.

>>7482232
>it's almost the opposite in fact, in that it's defined by being aroused by the your own femininity in itself. That means that even things like being treated as female in day-to-day situations, or doing typically feminine things, or the feminine aspects of your own body, are all able to arouse you in contexts which are not otherwise sexual.

Huh. That's an important difference.
I think I'll track my thoughts for a week and try to tell what brings them up.

>>7482197
>I stare at my face in the mirror a lot and it's like I don't even see myself.
This experience resonates very strongly with me. Eventually I just stopped looking at myself entirely to spare myself the suffering, and then later found I couldn't even bring myself to when I tried, for periods of up to months at a time. One of the first things that made me seriously start to question that I was trans was looking at my face in the mirror and feeling weird and disconnected and uncomfortable, and trying to work out what it was ("I'm just not used to the way my face looks different as I'm aging, I'm sure it will be fine hahahaha").

How masculine you are doesn't change whether or not you're trans.

There are a lot of questions you can ask, which is why a therapist is valuable. I'd suggest you lurk the trans help generals and ask any questions that come to mind, giving as much information/context as you can.

Do you think you'd be happier being female, if you were magically made that way as if you'd always been?

>>7482256
>If any of you have transitioned how did you know?
You never know for sure. Doubt is like, a defining feature of being trans. You just realise that all the signs point in that direction, and you're still feeling bad about being male and would be happier as female. What's the alternative? To wait and do nothing, and hope this thing that has shown no signs of getting better (in fact the opposite) will go away? You have to push yourself to try a solution.

I have transitioned by the way. I spent years making posts like your on here, receiving pretty much the same advice and seeing the glaring logic in it, consciously agreeing with it even, but doubting myself regardless. I've been on HRT for 7 months now and its honestly one of the best things I've ever done in my life. I still feel bad but I'm actually improving (rather than spiraling into depression) for once, and the good moments are more and more common.

>>7482310
>Do you think you'd be happier being female, if you were magically made that way as if you'd always been?

I hardly have to think about that one. Yes.

I still have no clue how your body could be male and your mind female. There is surely no such thing as a "soul" or some equivocal term. Then there must be some objective experience that either makes you this way or your brain functions like someone of the other gender. I don't know, but if there is no unchangable part that will always be the other gender, then isn't it easier to just change it? What part of someone is different than there body? I'm probably asking the wrong questions but it still is a hang up for me.

By the way congratulations on your choice. It isn't easy and I'm glad it makes you happy.

>>7481500
>but big manly guys are kind of repulsive?

Is it because you don't want to end up like them, or think that people perceive you that way? That's how it was for me for a long time.

>>7482477
I know people don't see me that way haha. The easiest way to describe my vibe is a really thoughtful introverted goober for lack of a better word. I'm the least dominant person I know.

I really enjoy the woody Allen kind of look as much as I dislike him. If I was ever some big beefy guy I would feel so wrong. Shouldn't girls be attracted to more "manly" dominant guys though?

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>>7482417
>>I still have no clue how your body could be male and your mind female.
There are theories but no solid understanding. However, it's possible for intersexed characteristics to appear in the body, with things like ambiguous genitalia, gynecomastia, and even complete androgen insensitivity syndrome (see picture; those people are XY but phenotypically female); it's not too strange to imagine that such an intersex disorder could appear in the brain too.

>What part of someone is different than there body?
It may seem like an objective and rational way to look at things, but that's only superficial. It ignores the fact that identity and emotion are not only very subjective but very poorly understood; you can't just observe that a phenotype often matches a particular identity and assume that such an identity is inseparable from that phenotype when there's nowhere near enough evidence to reach that conclusion. Plus, trannies clearly exist; using doubt of the legitimacy of transsexualism in general to argue that you're not trans doesn't make sense.

Why should your body define you as a person? What makes someone hold an identity congruent with their body? What makes someone comfortable with their body?

Regardless, don't think about it like that. All the identity bullshit is incidental to the real point: whether you'd be happier taking male-to-female hormone replacement therapy (thereby making your body more feminine), and possibly other things along those lines. You can't change your mind (many have tried), but you can change your body to an extent.

>By the way congratulations on your choice. It isn't easy and I'm glad it makes you happy.
Thank you. I very much regret not doing it sooner. I see a lot of people in similar situations to mine, and if they're anything like me they need a push to deal with the problem and look past the doubts (and bad logic, like "I wouldn't pass therefore I'm not trans"), otherwise they're going to drift endlessly like this.

>>7481802
I seriously hope you are not hinging every semblencce of happyness in your life on this one thing, their are plenty more things in life that are just if not more important, and being trans should absolutely not be about "looking good" it should be about "feeling comfortable in your otherwise extremely uncomfortable body" scientists and doctors dont suggest you transtition unless absolutely necessary... you like kinda depressed... you need to take steps yo remake yourself, clean yourself up get yourself a hairdo, research styles really take care of your body, and then see the difference it makes your appearance... after that if the feelings are still their look into it further, what else can you change to make you more aligned with what you percieve yourself to be in the ego? take those steps, transitioning should be the very last step when things fail... and most of all take things slow and be present, my friend... no point in worrying about the past or tommorow, when you only ever live in the present.

>>7482531
>(see picture; those people are XY but phenotypically female)
I say "those people"; I forgot exactly what the picture was, and it's only 1 person.

They still have testicles which produces testosterone, but they're internal and that testosterone just gets converted to oestrogen without doing anything. There are a few other characteristics which aren't entirely female either.

It's worth noting that almost all CAIS women identify as women and don't experience gender dysphoria(wishing to be male), and that most don't even know they're XY until such a situation as not getting their period prompts them to test for it.

>>7482089
i can see it, makeup nosejob god tier makeup and a complimentary hairdo you are defs feminizeable..

>>7482531
Your right. We're your voice and mannerisms already obviously feminine before you transitioned?
I have always been sensitive about the way I sit with my legs over one another instead of the crossed way like guys usually do and have to always correct myself on that. My voice is like a low baritone with a gravelly base. I sound like a Californian stoner which probably comes with playing guitar for a decade and having long hair haha.

Another question though. I have always been inexperienced with girls. I wasn't always this bad but now they make me uncomfortable. Is that common or do trans females usually relate more to women?

>>7482581
*were

>>7482581
My voice is kind of deep and nasal at the same time. A while ago I modified it to be less deep and overtly masculine though still definitely male, and have just kind of left it like that (it stays that way subconsciously) because I lacked of privacy to practice further and it made me too dysphoric to try. Recently I've been working on it again.

I was never feminine. I don't act overtly masculine either, but I think I'd lean towards masculinity. Like quiet mildly autistic nerdy guy kind of masculine. I'd like to think it's mostly due to socialisation and fear of being "too feminine".I'd certainly like to act more feminie; it would validate me, and I think it seems more "natural" or "correct" for me, and though I don't know whether that's really the case (nor how meaningful such a statement even is). My dysphoria also only started late, like 14-15. I'm AGP too, for which such a narrative is common.

I'm inexperienced with girls. I've had 3 female friends and all of them have been romantically attracted to me, so I guess I never had any truly platonic female friends. I always felt awkward around them; part of it is just shyness from being attracted to them I'm sure (even though I'm bi). Much of it, especially later as my dysphoria got worse, is because they clearly think of me as something different from them (and specifically as a guy), and I want very much to be accepted as "one of the girls". Plus the dysphoric jealousy makes any kind of relationship with them impossible, to the point where I stooped seeing all my female friends because I couldn't cope.

There are a lot of different backgrounds for trans people. Some people fit the stereotypes, some don't. It's important not to hold yourself to some ideal of matching all the superficial things, and instead focus on what matters: gender dysphoria. If you feel so bad about being male you can't even recognise yourself in the mirror then who cares whether you cross your legs or not, or whatever else?

>>7482554
It's not my last hope at happiness; to be clear. I have an obsession with the humanities that can easily fill a lifetime with passion. I have always felt held back by who I am though. I have lost a lot of love for music partly because I know I am not an entertainer, and I hate my voice. I cannot speak in public or on phones because I don't feel like I fit. In general I just hate my body because I can't use it to get myself across. If I didn't have this depressed fucking look on my face constantly I would do so much more, but it is my face. People treat you weird when they think you are always mad or deeply considering life.

I don't know once I start talking about some sad thought I can go on for hours.
A lot of the time I have noticed the thoughts in my head are trying to justify my existence with my experience. Like I had no choice and my circumstance has a grip over everything I do.

I digress but I guess the point is I have a few other hopes but this one is the one that haunts my dreams and wells up from my subconscious the most.

>>7482664
>Like quiet mildly autistic nerdy guy kind of masculine. I'd like to think it's mostly due to socialisation and fear of being "too feminine"

This makes sense. I grew up in a lot of different places where being gay was the worst thing you could be. A lot of who I am could be compensating for my feminine characteristics.

>>7482725
It could be in either of our cases, or it could just be wishful thinking to validate our femininity. Hence why I said "I'd like to think".

I don't remember really being feminine as a child. Sure I had some feminine habits that were shut down, but I otherwise acted in a masculine-leaning neutral way pretty comfortably. If I'd have been raised female I assume I'd act feminine-leaning neutral.

I can't comfortably act feminine now; I don't know if it's because it's actually unnatural for me, or because I'm too used to the semi-masculine shell I've built up, or because I fear judgement, or what. Everything like my speech patterns and all the little ways I move and how I act in social situations are all noticeably but not hugely masculine.

>>7483014
Hmm. Thanks for all the support and ideas to work with. I sincerely appreciate your time and consideration , but I'm tired now and it's time for bed. Op out