dealing with different sex drives

>>7205597
Sme here

>>7205597
Sorry you're going through this. Differing libidos have been the end of most of my relationships (slightly different since (a) I'm a lesbian and (b) most of my partners in relationships have been older).

Just some basic questions... how is his health? How is his self-esteem/image? What's his general activity level like? How old are you two? Has he had a physical check-up lately?

>>7205607
we are both in our mid-twenties. he is active (works at a job where he's on his feet and we go to the gym). his self-esteem/image is not very good... this has a lot to do with him changing jobs a lot over the past two years. i also know his parents were conservative, and i wonder if maybe he was taught that sex was dirty or something.

the thing about him having low self-esteem is this: i want to support him and make him feel better. but the lack of sex makes me pretty depressed as well. he's even mentioned lately how i seem really down about life. i don't know why he can't figure out that some of that has to do with the fact we never have sex.

physically he is fine. he goes to the doctor regularly

>>7205613
So it sounds like nothing but differing libidos. it happens. Once the New Relationship Excitement wears off, regular sex life will never be like NRE sex.

So you have three choices. First, you work out a compromise... full-blown sex x times a week, mutual suck/masturbate y times a week and you make up the difference yourself.

Second, you ask him to open up the relationship understanding the pitfalls of having an open relationship (possible romantic involvement, STD's, allowing him the same opportunities, etc...)

Third, you tell him that you can't live with the level of intimacy you're getting from him and split up.

If you want to frame it in a better way, explain that a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" (not SEX) with him is necessary to make the relationship work. Barring that, unattached sex will be a poor, but necessary substitute.

>>7205637
any time i bring up trying to compromise, he feels like i want him to "be a machine" and "instantly be turned on." he claims that he likes spontaneous sex, and that when i text him dirty things during the day, it makes him feel pressured to have sex. one time while he was showering i put on a jock strap and laid on the couch, and he started to top me, but he could stay hard and then claimed he felt pressured by me expecting sex. he tells me i should NEVER expect sex.

sounds like a total fucking cuck

>>7205656
Making choice in any situation can be tiresome. In the context of your relationship, it seems you make choices in favor of the whole. This is a great thing to do in stuff that takes two into account: if you live together (or if you are very close) and share a great part of life, you make decisions together, like what color furniture or how tasks are shared together.

In a relationship you seek a common ground and it seems that on an important aspect, namely sex, you do not feel satisfied. Now you mentioned that you already talked about compromising and your feelings which are an important step to bring in change.

Next you mentioned that your s.o. tells you that you should never 'expect' sex. This can be his opinion, however: when you dress up for him, present yourself etcetera, you are simply behaving 'normal' towards foreplay. You are also having a sexual relationship and your s.o. seems to confuse 'feeling pressured' with your advances.

It seems therefore to me, that you should not forget that it's not wrong to chose for yourself in your relationship. Unless every waking minute you dress up sexy and make advances, your s.o. should get a raging boner seeing you like that on the couch (sorry for the brashness). Sex is a part of a healthy relationship in which there should be a common ground.

Ask yourself: does your sexual life with your s.o. make you happy? You will have to decide for yourself wether you want to sacrifice your preferences, your wanting, for the issues of self-esteem (and probably other issues) that your s.o. seems to be facing, and take into account that, even if its not your fault, as you describe it, you may start feeling more and more that it is you that is the dependable factor in the behaviour of your s.o. This is however not true; and my personal advice would be to not sacrifice yourself for the sake of just having a relationship if you are not happy about the important sexual part of it.

Thank you for that response. I love him very much, but I can't help but feel resentful when my sexual needs are never met, even after several conversations. I feel as though he doesn't understand at all. He doesn't even masturbate on a regular basis. And I'm over here jerking off once or twice a day and I'm still wanting sex.

>>7205597
Keep jerking off, nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm a non-sexual person with a sexual partner, so speaking from the other side of things I can say that you both need to open up a better dialogue. I can't change the fact that I'm uninterested in sex but I DO try to be mindful of my partner's need. Physical intimacy is important to him and as I'm not willing to share, we've worked to find a balance.

I keep in mind that I love him very much, and that sex can be a fun and pleasant way to express that. He keeps in mind that my lack of sexual drive is nobody's fault, and it doesn't affect how much I cherish him. We've learned together over time that I can't just get "turned on" at the drop of a hat and any expectation otherwise leaves us both disappointed.

Presenting yourself on the couch is a commendable effort on your part, but it IS pressuring your partner to react in a specific way and it leaves you both open to hurt if he can't. I know that such overtures are a major turn-off for me - it leaves me feeling guilty that I don't desire like other people, and angry with myself. Then angry at my partner for making me choose between hurting him or faking it. Dirty talk is more of the same. I'm not dirty-minded, and I won't act like it's turning me on because it's not.

Dialogue with an effort to understand is key, going both ways, and there can't be any blame involved. Both of you need to explain what actions cause you to feel what way, and then you can problem solve together.

Try less of the blunt approach. Less of the "take me now" attitude. I find that honest love and laughter is the best way to get me involved with physical intimacy... it's like my love for him is a doorway, and him smiling into my eyes and laughing between kisses is a joyous invitation for me to reciprocate. It takes away the pressure demanding I lust, and replaces it with a way to express that I love.

Ten years in and our sex life is regular and going fine. It takes communication and understanding, but then all relationships do.

Fantastic responses. Thank you.

>>7206915
>Ten years in and our sex life is regular and going fine.

Not that I doubt you, but I'd like to hear his side of the story. Having been involved in marriage counseling for quite a while I can tell you that people can have huge differences in what they consider a "fine" sexual relationship.

Look at it this way. One party may want sex once per month. The other party may want sex every day. Party #1 increases interest in sex to 4x per month, a 400% increase. Party #2 sees once per week as still 1/7th of what they want.

Yet Party #1 will say sex is "regular and fine".