My greatest regret

>>7064150
but how much happier would you really be if you had started hormones only a few years earlier?

>>7064162
I started hormones at 18 diy-ed, back then there wasn't much dosage available on the internet so it was pretty whack, what I really needed was a proper endo and surgery. Without the surgery I was pretty much a shut in for most of my 20s and without the endo I took the wrong dosage which was too little. College funds should have been channeled to those. I fucked up very bad.

>>7064150

>Parents told me study hard and get good grades, get a good job and earn loads of money then I can do whatever I want.

Same, senpai. Trying to follow that advice ended up making me unable to achieve it, ironically. The dysphoria just got too bad eventually to give a shit. Some things have a higher priority than others.

You think you have bad? My family let me spend 150k on private school - I droped out because I sucked at math. Wasting all this money for nothing - I was able to find well paying job anyway cus college degree is a meme.

It was all my fault.

>>7069336

If it's a well-paying job, you could just pay them back.

>>7070343
I did that already. But still I could transition while 19 and not 25...

>>7069336
I didn't have an endo after I did srs and alot of my hair dropped out due to low E and T

>>7070365

So why did you go to a private school instead of a state school? Detached from reality or did it have a great reputation?

So you're saying that in paying off the debt to your parents, you held off on transition for 6 years?

>in car with only mom years ago, around 14 years old, frequently mistaken for a girl
>known I was trans since I found out what it was around the age of ten eleven
>decide I need to come out
>"hey mom... I honestly think I..."
>sudden realization that I have no clue how she'll react and that I could get kicked out or spend every year until I reach adulthood being abused and hated because of this
>"should eat I'm hungry as dick mom can we go to Wendy's?"

>year passes
>15 years old
>not really mistaken for a girl very frequently anymore
>playing dark souls in living room, making a new character, it's a girl
>mom asks me why I'm making a girl and why I'm spending so much time on her
>generic "I play as a girl because it's something different hehehe, it's escapism you know? Playing as a pretty girl version of myself hehehehe"
>Mom: "Anon... Do you think you should have been born a girl?"
>suddenly knees weak, arms heavy something something spaghetti
>"well I mean sometimes I think it'd be..." *nervousness kicks in* "sorta cool but nah I love being a guy! Hehehehe :'^)"
>"oh, alright son"

>17 years old
>already balding due to shit tier genetics
>Basically already look like a grown man, never mistaken for a girl, repression mode shaved head, lifting weights
>depressed as fuck all the time
>crying up in my room, fantasizing about killing myself
>mom here's me crying and comes in, asks me what's wrong
>"idk, I wasn't meant to be happy mom, I think I'm gonna kill myself soon"
>mom starts crying for a good long while
>"Son... Are you uncomfortable with your body?"
>"nah mom I'm fine I'm just a depressed sad asshole"
>"are you really really sure about that?"
>"yeah"
(Cont.)

>>7070553
(Cont)
>another year passes 18 years old
>already an empty husk of a person
>tried to kill myself once but the thing I tied the rope to broke
>thinking of hitting up a dealer to buy some xanax and vicodin to put myself down with
>end up buying and self medding hrt instead, because I need to at least try or I'll never know if things could be good
>lose my job and run out of money for hrt
>no fucks given anymore probably gonna commit suicide might as well come out so I can get hrt on insurance
>sit mom down in room and hand her a letter telling her I always wanted to be a girl and have been taking female hormones and anti-androgens for months
>she finishes the letter and hugs me
>"oh honey, I always knew, I wish you had just told me earlier"
>suddenly filled with the most disgusting and awful hatred for myself for never saying a god damn thing no matter how many times she hinted she knew(there were more times than the ones I listed those were just the most memorable) and also a hatred for her for never just straightforward telling me she'd still love and support me if I were trans
>try to kill myself with benzos that night but it didn't work

>now 20 years old
>most of my hair is back and styling helps hide my hairline
>everyone I know is accepting
>have a cis gf who's the coolest and most supportive person I know
>actually kind of moving my life forward and becoming an adult
>still genuinely contenplate killing myself every morning whenever I look in the mirror and see my disgusting hon face that's all my fault

I'm literally the dumbest person on the planet. I wish someone would just take my life for me.

>be me, little kid, super young 8- 9
>steal my mom's women's multivitamins because I thought they would have the same effect as birth control
>disappointed by lack of changes
>attempt to steal actual BC after I realize my mistake
>mom freaks out because they're expensive and she needs them for her PCOS
>stealthily return them and never speak of this incident again

Ah, what a grand time growing up in the 90s was

>>7070579
I hope you got over your irrational hatred for your mom, cause it wasn't really her fault, she tried to outreach to you, but you weren't receptive and ready.

And hey, you have a loving relationship so you should keep going to see where it takes you. Don't give up til you are out of options.

>>7070633
Right. At least your mom came around.

>>7070624
Another one of my regrets:
>Transamerica comes out, mom wants to watch it
>"oh shit she knows!"
>finish the movie in silence
>bits were cringy, but I still felt some kinship with the MC
>"hey mom can I tell you something?"
>"if you tell me you're a tranny I'll disown your ass"
>well fuck
>transition at 19, get disowned just like she promised

>12- ish
>mom takes me to therapist because I'm apparently an angry tween
>I was never angry just really depressed
>it just turns into a bitch session to tell me what a horrible child I am
>therapist seemed kinda gay, maybe he'd be accepting
>tfw I never just take him aside to say the reason I'm so upset is because I want to be a girl
>years of regret follow

>>7070579

>Have a loving and accepting mother.
>Blame her for being too much of a bitch to come out.

I have literally no empathy for you my man.

>>7070553
>>7070579

With a life story like that, I'd have tried suicide too. Although I would have succeeded because there are exposed support beams in my basement from which to hang a noose and my father has plenty of thick rope.

>>7070624

I thought about taking BC pills from my mom, but I figured she would notice easily. Aren't they marked by days of the month so you know whether you took that day's dose?

>>7070655

I guess your mother's desire to watch Transamerica was some kind of morbid curiosity or the movie changed her opinion for the worse.

>>7070656

Part of me agrees with you, but another part of me can understand that anon. In my own case, my father said he had no idea (although I suspect my mother did have some sense of a twinge of -something-, which she hasn't admitted to). If when I came out my parents told me they knew all along and they were just waiting for me to come out with it, I would have been so mad. I actually read stories on here that were like that.

But of course, my parents never hinted to me that blatantly that they already knew like in that anon's case, so that changes the scenario a lot. Them knowing but not saying anything gives you more of a reason to be mad than them knowing but also hinting it's safe.

>>7070633
>>7070656

I know the hatred was irrational and I'm long past it. For the longest time I couldn't reign it in though and kinda treated her like shit, and now I feel really guilty for it.
>And hey, you have a loving relationship
I do, and although I really love her it honestly feels like she's just an anchor to this life keeping me from killing myself most days.