closeted partners

>>6868512
people can have good reasons not to come out to their family. But it's no reason to break up.

As a bisexual I will never come out to my parents. They are old and see free sexuality as part of society's degeneration. Someone of the same sex really needs to be worth it for me to confront my parents about it. But should I find someone who is, I will have to do this, because I don't want to live a lie. But this will probably mean that my parents will never talk to me again, or at least treat me worse. And my dad will probably treat my mom worse, because he'll blame her for me being bi...

holy shit I really hate thinking about this...

>>6868512
seems to me that if after a year of dating you hadn't figured out they were closeted to their family, you weren't in a serious relationship with them to begin with.

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>>6868776
I know this feel.

My mom and my sisters are probably the only ones in my family that would ever speak to me again if I came out to them.

It sucks.

>>6868512
>it turned out they were closeted to their immediate family, how would you take it?
I'd want to hug them more, but I'd be OK with it.
>Does it constitute lying to you, if they never told you?
Yes, but for a valid reason, so I'd be OK with it.
>Is it really a big deal?
No.
>Is it your business?
Yes, but see above question and answer.
>Is that the sort of thing you would break up over?
No.
>Would you want to help them come out?
Yes.
>Would that be a condition for staying together?
Of course not.

>>6868512
> how would I take it
I only date uncloseted guys. Dealing with closeted people is terrible, they often are paranoid and throw their partners under the bus to keep their cover. So if someone lied to me about being uncloseted I would seriously question our relationship and most likely end it.
Whether they are closeted or not is one of the most important informations in any gay relationship. So much so that even not specifically mentioning you're closeted counts as a lie by omission.
Yes, it's a big deal and if we're dating then it's my business too.
If I met some amazing closeted guy I wouldn't even date him. I could be his friend and would mention that I like him but wouldn't go any further until he came out.

>>6868776
> as a bisexual
> will never come out to parents because would face the same problems every lgbt person faces
> want to live the comfy closeted life while enjoying all the benefits and hiding away your partner
That's why there are so many people who don't date bisexuals

>>6869035
>Dealing with closeted people is terrible, they often are paranoid and throw their partners under the bus to keep their cover.
What if someone were closeted, but said that they would come out when they got a bf/gf and wanted their bf/gf to be there when they came out to friends, family, and everyone who saw them being openly gay?
... I'm asking for a friend...

>>6869035
> But should I find someone who is worth it, I will have to do this, because I don't want to live a lie.

read more carefully next time

>>6869035
>the same problems every lgbt person faces

soo every lgbt person needs to break contact with their parents after their outing? Interesting, why would they even do that?

>>6869059
That's literally the most coward and harmful way of coming out. Almost every family will blame the bf/gf for "converting" their kid, and by doing that you are basically saying "my life is a mess and I'll only get my shit together once I have someone to suffer with me."
You could be a big boy and come out by yourself, but instead you'd be putting your partner through the worst of your family hell.

That's one of the reasons uncloseted guys avoid closet guys, they just don't have their shit together and want someone to come and make it all easy for you.
The one exception are the people who don't live near their family and have basically cut them off permanently OR are in the process of cutting them off. In that case they might be effectively out of the closet even if their family doesn't ever know.

>>6869085
Many did, many still do, many will break contact with the entirety or part of their families.
Some smarter people prepare their homophobic families for years and de-radicalize them, and then harmlessly come out.

>>6869136
But what if your family thinks that sexual orientation is set in stone (but still see it as abhorrent) and would get you a forced marriage if they found out and you weren't already in a committed relationship, thus making coming out post bf attainment your only chance to stay with the person you love and not lose your parents?

>Also, not being willing to support your bf through the most emotionally daunting thing he'll ever have to face
>inb you imply that I wouldn't do the same for him without a second thought
Why do I care about your opinion if you're emotionally distant and unsupportive?

>>6868877
THIS.

Them being honest with their family isn't what you need to worry about; you would have to ask yourselves how you got so far along without them talking about that part of their life.

>>6869183
> forced marriage
They're forcing you with what, anon? Aren't you a big boy, how could daddy and momma order you around like that? In the end you still have to agree to get married.

Also, if your parents would go so far as trying to marry you like that, having a bf surely wouldn't stop them. Instead of targeting you, they would target him. And I don't think they would be polite and gentle with him.

Here's something else you could do: move out, go to college, become financially independent and then come out on your own terms. Meanwhile you could date closeted guys, they wouldn't mind.

>>6869202
Agreed.

>>6869136
>Some smarter people prepare their homophobic families for years and de-radicalize them, and then harmlessly come out.

OK, Mr. Master Social Engineer. Is it also my responsibility to beat the racism out of my family before revealing to them my SO is black? Of course not. In 2016, time spent trying to convert those who are still bigoted is wasted. The rational thing is just to distance yourself from your terrible family, not to needlessly blow it up.

It's not like you're closeted to anyone else but your family, right anon-kun?

>>6869136
>prepare their homophobic families for years

I have no chance in having any influence on my dad. He's the kind of person that tries to convince me multiple times that 9/11 was an inside job. By screaming at me.

>>6869217
>move out, go to college, become financially independent and then come out on your own terms
I'm fucked, then. My university course is, according to the university, so intensive that you can choose 2 of the following 3: work to make money, pass the course, or have even a shred of a social life (including bf).
For that reason, I am entirely financially dependent on my parents. Their biggest problem with it seems to be the general sluttiness and "degeneracy" of gay "lifestyle". Having a monogamous bf would prove to them directly that that's not the case, at least for me, so they'd still support me and not hate me (I don't want my parents to hate me).
Also, that university course lasts 6 years minimum, and I won't get paid for another 7 years (again, minimum). I'm not waiting that long to get a bf and come out - I'd be a 25 year old KHV by then.

Maybe, instead, I'll just date someone who isn't a patronising fuck and is capable of feeling a little bit of sympathy for someone they care about who is going through some hard stuff.

>>6869241
Then just distance yourself from your family, man.
By the way, I did deradicalize my family. My entire family knows nowadays, and I've gone so far as to support some of my gay/lesbian closeted cousins.
My friends and employer know, too, and so do all of my subordinates. I also consciously chose a career that does not discriminate me (Human Rights Law lel)
The uncloseted life sure is comfy, senpai.

>>6869256
>>6869260
Then do whatever the fuck you wanna do.

>>6869271
what can you do in the future with human rights law career

>>6869276
I haven't even graduated and I already have job offers piling up because I have papers published, have spoken in events about mu research and founded and lead a regional research group.

>>6869271
>I did deradicalize my family
Did you really, or did you just ride the wave of popular acceptance?

>employer and subordinates know
this is why I hate degenerates who think of being in the closet as a black-or-white thing, where you either are or aren't. What professional workplace discussion involved you having a romantic/sexual partner?

>>6869284
There's no taboo about that in my line of work. And my organization actively keeps track on that because we can then show it in a diversity report and that can net us sponsorship and research grants.
> tfw being gay is a workplace advantage
> tfw employ trans people who are grateful for being able to work in a decent place wirhout discrimination
> tfw literally paid to spread the faggotry

>>6868512
I refuse to be anyone's dirty secret.

>>6869183
>>Also, not being willing to support your bf through the most emotionally daunting thing he'll ever have to face

I'd be willing but he'd have to be a pretty scrummy bf to make me the target of his family's hate. + If he ends up blaming me for ruining his life, I will literally kill him.

>>6869294
>And my organization actively keeps track on that

For a lawyer you sure don't seem worries about the EEOC lawsuit coming your way.

>>6869304
> implying I'm under US jurisdiction
> implying we aren't painted as a great example of diversity
> implying we force people to come out or ever identify them

>>6869302
I'd never blame my bf for that; it would be my choice to come out to my family, not his.
I also wouldn't demand that he be there with me when I do it. I'd say he can come along if he wants to, but I'd understand if he wanted to steer clear to avoid being attacked until the situation calms down.
I dunno... I just feel more comfortable getting a bf before coming out to my parents; you have someone to turn to if shit hits the fan that can provide much stronger emotional support than friends can, and you don't end up feeling completely like worthless trash if your parents disown you... Is that too hard to understand?

>>6869343
It's very easy to understand, actually, but still most people don't want to get involved because if you actually cared more about your bf's well-being you really wouldn't put him through this shit. This is extremely streeful for a partner who cannot change the course of what's happening, it can be dangerous and he'll see the worst of your family and have no reason to ever like them, and your fa.ily most likely will hate him forever.
You're literally throwing him under the bus for your benefit.

>>6869360
My family's gonna hate my boyfriend regardless of whether we've already started dating when I come out!! How dare you hold me responsible for my family's hatred when there's not a damn thing I can do about it!

>>6869360
Is there any way to "morally" do it in the order I want to?
I don't feel ready to tell my parents yet, but I want a bf.
I don't want to stress him out or put any pressure on him. Even if my parents do take it well, they'll still ask our family's go-to question:
>Why is this relevant all of a sudden?
"Because I want to be open with you"? Ha! Like they'd take that as a real reason. I think they'd understand "because I'm seeing someone now and I want you to meet him" would be better received.

>>6869376
>I think they'd understand "because I'm seeing someone now and I want you to meet him" would be better received.
This is what happens when you type a post in a rush and don't proof read. Your grammar dies.

Edit to: I think "because I'm seeing someone now and I want you to meet him" would be better received.

>>6869376
>>6869381
There is a way, yes. Date someone who is closeted like you. He'll likely need you to do all sorts of things like that when/if he comes out, too.
But be prepared to face his own closet, which might be stranger and more harmful than yours.

>>6869271
> Implies bisexuals should face problems that every LGBT person is confronted with
> He himself had it easy because his own family was permissive to deradicalization
> Gets told other families aren't permissive to deradicalization
> "Then do whatever the fuck you wanna do"

wtf anon?

>>6869430
Do you want a magic spell that immediately makes everything better?
You can risk coming out out of nowhere, you can try to deradicalize them, you can move out and cut contact partially/completely while coming out or not, and you can remain in the closet and let your family dictate your personal life. These are the options, that's all I can say. And if you want a the internet to teach you how to make it all perfect and happy without bad consequences, you really are expecting too much.
In conclusion: do whatever the fuck you wanna do, especially if you think I'm spouting shit. Good luck f.a.m.

>>6869451
>you can remain in the closet and let your family dictate your personal life
The only one in this thread now suggesting that people should interrupt their personal life based on how much their family knows about it is YOU.

The rest of us are content to let sleeping bigots lie while we go off and do our own things.

am I considered closeted if I hide my hetero relationships from my family just the same as my homo ones? I hope a guy wouldn't be angry with me for that. It's equal hiding from family.

>>6869489
If your family/close ones don't know then you are closeted, period. But if your situation truly is like that, you're not hiding your partner because you're closeted, you just avoid the subject because of privacy.

But ask yourself: how would you react if a family member/ friend saw you with a gf? And would you react differently if it was a bf? Would you try harder to hide the turh in one of these scenarios?

>>6869489
it would be different reactions from parents but at the end of the day I just want to protect them from a narcissist mom that will try to sabotage my relationship with whoever

>>6869529
> protect them from a narcissist mom
That's actually a pretty good reason to be closeted, surely among the best.

>>6869411
Wait, why am I asking for your permission on who to date, as if you're some moral superior who gets to determine who dates who and who doesn't deserve love based on arbitrary parameters and ignoring a lot of underlying factors that can affect those parameters in different ways? I'll date whoever I want, and if he judges me for not being out to my parents (who have explicitly stated that nothing could be more irredeemable than a child being homosexual, and that a child could never do something more selfish and wrong than come out to their parents) while I'm still financially dependent on them, he's an idiot and obviously wasn't worth my time anyway. Stop pretending everyone has it as easy as you had it, you egocentric prick.

You're just being an arsehole. Kindly fuck off and stop trying to project your relatively easy experience on to other people so you can mock them for not having accepting families.

>>6869581
Do whatever you want senpaichi

>>6868512
I don't give a fuck if they're closeted to their family. No one needs to know what you do in the bedroom.

>>6869294
>tfw trans and am gainfully employed without discrimination because I don't look like a man in a dress and I do my job competently


it's not that hard

people should discriminate against middle aged dudes who decide they want to live their fetish and show up at work wearing a skirt

>>6868512
>how would you take it?
Initial minor concern, then generally supporting. It's their life, and coming out is their choice to make.
>Does it constitute lying to you, if they never told you?
No, and although I don't really know how that kind of thing can stay hidden, it's not the type of thing I'd directly ask a partner about. Depending on the family, and the extent of the overt straight acting, I wouldn't even care.
>Is it really a big deal?
Nope.
>Is it your business?
Nope.
>Is that the sort of thing you would break up over?
Nope.
>Would you want to help them come out?
If they asked me to help, yes.
>Would that be a condition for staying together?
Nope.

All that said I am distant from my own immediate family and don't lean on them for support. So it'd be hypocritical for me to demand someone I am dating come out to their family if being closeted isn't causing them any significant personal/emotional distress.

>>6869256
You don't honestly think 9/11 wasn't an inside job, do you?

>>6869302
This is honestly a massive douchebag opinion. You're right that it's cowardly to lean on people when coming out, and to drag an SO and other friends through your family's homophobic vitriol, but coming out is one of the riskiest and most difficult things many gay people have to do, and some of these people have a connection to family they don't want to lose.
If you're not willing to fight for, take shit for, and suffer with that person, than you barely know how to love and don't deserve that person. At least not if you're "in love" with each other. If it's a casual sex+good friends situation then yeah, fuck it, but this board seems much more keen on homo couplings with traditional values.

if they're estranged from their family, it's probably fine. If they're in regular contact, it's weird. I don't want to be roped into your lie, whether by being your "really good friend" or just being segregated as if I no longer exist when they're around.
There's wiggle room, especially depending on how serious the relationship is, but that has to go both ways and at a certain point somethings gotta give, unless you want to pretend someone else is raising our kids with you etc.
There's a point where your partner's family isn't really your business, and then there's a point where your partner's family is your family. Being closeted just closes you off from the latter completely.

My parents accepted my gayness but life has taken a STRANGE TURN OF EVENTS SINCE I MOVED BACK HOME. Like tonight, I said "Do you have any lip- I mean, chapstick.", oh and the gold spandex they saw in my laundry, oh and the secret dildo compartment I keep them away from. Storm is a brewin' anons.

>>6869256
9/11 was an inside job, how couldn't you get it