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Is there others out there in a similar spot? It's fucking maddening.
I can't stop questioning my sexuality. It's something that has been plaguing me for some years now. It's not because of attraction it's just because I can't feel anything.
Little background,
I moved around a lot, divorced parents in different states. Didn't stabilize to a home location until the 3rd grade. No solid memories until around the 7th grade. I've always had confidence issues. Never was able to talk to people. Never wanted to get to know people. Never felt like I was good enough. So I secluded myself a lot. People had to seek out to be my friend or they were completely ignored.
It all started in college when me and my college mates were driving around in the car and one of them jokingly said "let's bet to see who will turn gay by the end of college" This triggered some thoughts of "you can turn gay? What if it's me?" And I was already uncomfortable because I've had arousal dreams with, like my brothers and penis generally made me uncomfortable, but why was it seemingly arousing?
So with my already seemingly no women skills because I am a computer nerd and work drone, I just go from my computer to work. And when I am at work I have to be professional, because you don't mix relationships with work. So I limited myself a lot.
So with no confidence I thought my last ditch effort to feel would be to just be gay, cause Im a dude and they're more relatable. But in my short blips of "love" that warm feeling I just don't get that from guys.
I do have memories of girl crushes and for my female teachers.
I am just sick of having these fucking thoughts of uncertainty because they are so distracting and powerful. Being gay and accepting that lifestyle would be 180 degrees of what I ever thought, before someone told me. Even when I am around gay people I am happy that I feel no attractions or wanting to have sex with them.
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tl;dr HOCD is getting tiring of the constant thoughts of uncertainty. And I just want to live my life with peace of mind
Sorry for the seemingly dumb post, I just had to post somewhere. I just got back from my honeymoon and now that I'm back home the thoughts of uncertainty are coming back. Yes there are a lot of layers to this onion.
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hocd isn't officially a diagnosis. maybe some day it will but it is basically ocd but with intrusive thoughts about sexuality.
if you actually think you have this you should speak to someone, preferably someone professional but even talking to people and saying the words out loud can help.
I'm guessing here that you haven't and that you are largely sitting with these thoughts on your own? yesno?
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>>6246613
Yes, sitting with them. I've never been one to talk about feelings.
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>>6246693
I know completely where you're coming from. It took me years before I opened up to anyone about those thoughts.
Because I kept it bottled up anxiety and depression bubbled up in me and eventually led me to some sessions with a psychiatric nurse.
I finally dared saying that I suspected hocd, and we talked about it.
To sum it up shortly he made me envision with him what would be the worst thing about those thoughts to me, which was turning out that I was gay and then imagining that that's what it was, that I was gay, and then describing how that would feel and if the worst came to be if it would really be that bad.
Anyway, we're all different of course but you need to find someone you trust to talk with these things about. Doing it anonymously online is one thing but it is another thing to actually just hear these things said out loud by yourself when someone else is listening.
How do you feel it is affecting your life at the moment? Would you say your quality of life is good, ok, bad?
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>>6246719
It's effecting my life badly. I feel like everyone outside is judging me or out to seduce me. My mind is always just in a constant battle.
I will try and truly be free of my thoughts and envision a gay lifestyle and see how that makes me feel.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
How did you end up after your therapy?
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>>6246580
Go to a doctor, HOCD is just a name for a specific variants of symptoms in OCD, treat it like the disease it is
You can try some diy CBT though, but it's better with a professional, won't hurt to read up on it in the meantime I guess
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