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Apologies if this is a bit of a jumbled mess.
First of all I identify as a genderfluid demisexual, biologically male. I've also got really bad anxiety and suffer panic attacks, as well as recently being diagnosed with adhd (which like I hear causes people a lot of trouble with friendships and relationships but i don't want to assume that's why I do necessarily)
Recently like 4 months back I had a really bad falling out with a female friend, i was having a lot of really severe anxiety due to my financial situation and constant medical garbage going on. Before it hit it's worst I had gotten very clingy, bad habid i know, i need to work on my self esteem and have been trying to but many times in the past I've tended to latch on to people I feel like "get" me and just rely on them way too heavily.
Unfortunately she also has bad anxiety and since she too has adhd I sorta leaned on her for both of those. Additionally I had a crush on her for a while which was kinda shitty, since I only ever get crushes on people I really consider my closest friends and that has a way of throwing a wrench in things.
In december I had a really awful panic attack and was scared I might try to kill myself if things got worse, and I wrote her a lengthy message online freaking out asking for support. After than everything just went silent, one every couple months she'll say something and I'll try to pick things up where they left off and it goes quite again for weeks. I've really been hoping we could meet up in person and talk since talking online I always get confused and stressed out because my reading comprehension is kinda crap and i've had a lot of social anxiety from past stuff i usually project into what people say to me online.
(continued)
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I heard from a friend she still wants to be friends but any efforts at communication tend to fallapart immediately. Also it seems some of her anxiety comes from her not wanting a relationship and me having crushed on her off and on, which is shitty since honestly if I could I would just never ave romantic feelings for anyone. Relationships seem like a lot of work, sex disgusts me. I wanna be independent andjust have friends like me around. Also on my side there's the whole I feel more like a girl than a guy and want to hang out with friends that reflect who i want to be and I've just always been more comfortable around girls than guys. Guys frankly piss me off more often than not.
This isn't even the first time I've hd shit like this. I had a friend when I first moved to the city that something similar happened with. I don't even know what it is I'm asking I just need to vent it out. I think i'm done trying becuase even if it's true she wants to be friends still, trying to save that friendship has made me feel like a shitty human being and made the anxiety worse.
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Your special snowflake bullshit literally has nothing to do with your problem unless it coincides with that you're lonely and trying to make up an identify to compensate for your supposed lack of one.
Anyway, go get on anxiety meds. Your anxiety is the problem. It's off putting, exhausting and stressful to the people around you, especially if they have anxiety or mental problems themselves. People can only give so much of a shit about you and juggling your life and theirs is a relationship doomed to fail. People will tire when they finally figure out they can't 'fix' you and you can't really blame people for that either.
Learn to distract yourself and not burden everyone over everything. Try to give your panic attacks a sort of grading system. If its something you can rough out, rough it out. If its something you absolutely need help with, need someone to vent too, 'take care of you' so to speak then let that be extremely scarce. Hell, even call a suicide hotline and ask if they'll be willing to bs with you on the phone for awhile.
tl;dr learn to cope and deal with most shit on your own.
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>>5970797
I more or less have been. My panic attacks have gotten less frequent when i just distance myself from people and I'm being medicated for both the anxiety and the adhd rather effectively now. More than anything I'd like to be able to repair damages and see if anyone else out there has their own advice, but thanks for the parts of your response that were not just mean spirited jabs.
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>>5970760
>Genderfluid
>Demisexual
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>>5972346
yes, I've been made well aware. Thank you Dexter's mom
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huh? to each his own i guesss
when I get panic attacks, I get like a robot-zero body language, tense, no emotional expression. no desire to talk to people, straight to the point, get things done, go back home, change, cut away all communication, get drunk or drugged in completely dark room and fall asleep
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>>5972551
might be an introvert- extrovert thing or just an overly emotion person with panic versus a more grounded one
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