>tfw trans and realise my defense mechanism has been staying

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It's good that you found a relatively harmless coping mechanism before you knew what you were coping with. It's good that you discovered the source of your problem.
What would be bad is to not try to transition. Or to think that while you're transitioning and after, that you can't socialize online. You can do both

i've done exactly the same thing for the past half a decade: abort, flee, fucking run. do literally anything to force yourself to be anywhere but there.

>>5887336
>i've been doing this since i dropped out of high school

i don't even know how to re enter society if i wanted to

>>5887428
i'm actually exactly the same. i dropped out during grade 10, and im 23 now and still just starting to move forward. do anything.

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>>5887379
Thing is that online, I can act like I want. There are no body boundaries, I can talk with people nicely as soon I realised I loved being a girl, and I really really want to socialize with people, and why not, someone to fall in love with.

The hard part is when I am unleashed outside. I never feel good and my body is a fucking dead weight. Cannot wear cute dresses, act more girly, even inside because the simply thought of getting a glimpse of my " manly body " in these dresses makes me feel extremely bad and I am ready to fall for hours of depression.

I just want that one day, what I do online can become reality. And I do nothing bad online, really. I am just myself and there are no body boundaries to prevent me from anything.

Also, I can get cuddles and give some.

So yeah ... I can kind of resist. The question is how long? I just want to get HRT and start living...

>>5887495
ok i am telling you this as seriously as possible, get hrt, and get out of your house. remove your access to internet if you need to. don't fall in the same hole i did.

>>5887505
Don't worry anon, I am on my way to get treatment ( I refuse to self med, it can be dangerous and I prefer having a doc by my side ). I just don't know if feeling bad all day will arrange anything. I mean why not continue living this way while waiting for my body to change?

I don't really want to live hell days like these two last days. I literally cried for hours in my bathroom ...

>>5887495
Get a job, transitioning is going to be expensive so you should be saving as much money as possible when you're still trying to even get on HRT.

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>>5887526
I am a student, and I have a student job.

I realise what I said sounds like NEET incarnate, but that's not the case. My parents will help me for all this stuff, so it should be kind of going kind of good.

Let's just pray that I turn out good for transition. That's my only fear right now. But I am ready to be girly and start living out of this prison! Can't wait to show emotions and give/receive attention!!

>>5887336 >>5887440
>>5887428
Fellow high school drops-outs! Tbh I found going to university to be a very positive experience. I owe shittons of money, but when I moved to go to university, I went full-time, gained friends, was forced to work with people for classes and break out of my shell, etc. Boiled down, this is the path I took after dropping out of high school: GED -> Job -> HRT in secret while working for minimum wage and attending community college (~2 years) -> Move to go to university and go full-time in my new town

I kinda had crippling agoraphobia, social anxiety, etc. before all of this. Like... going to the grocery store gave me panic attacks/made me hyperventilate. Forcing myself to keep pushing forward is what allowed me to live my life so happily today. It's really hard to rise up when every instinct in your body is screaming to back down, but that's what's necessary to achieve the things you want.

>>5887549
that sounds like a dream, im kinda screwed there tho. too many other factors holding me down. ;p

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>>5887495
I know what you're talking about. Dealing with my physical body was not easy for me either, but the more I did it, the easier it became. And the work I put into transitioning paid off.
But it was a long path for me, too. Even just mentally preparing myself for the process took time. So I think the best advice to give you today is that you can take small steps. You can work your way up to things that you don't feel emotionally ready for. You can still reach your destination that way. But you've got to be patient, and you've got to believe that just because it's hard, doesn't mean you can't do it. Just because it takes time doesn't mean it's never going to happen.

>>5887336
>coped through internet for 6 years total time played
>made like 4 friends that I will never talk to again


I'm just not made for having friends.

>oh no, I'm happy and I don't have to deal with people who are shit, this is a disaster, clearly the world must end before I keep going down this path before me!