The true heroes of /k/

Home defense?
I didn't shoot or kill anyone, but I think I scared the shit out of them. And when I sobered up, I scared the shit out of me from my stupidity.

>be me
>be drinking for a mildly long while
>playing vidya (MGS3 FTW)
>living alone, I am naked as the day I was born
>door gets pounded like a Bangladeshi whore
>I recently moved, only three people know where I live. This is reminiscent of exactly zero of their knocking habits.
>take stock of nearby weaponry
>Taurus .40 (lol Taurus), deck hammer from some construction yard, bastard sword behind me on wall, and my combat KA-BAR.

>strap on pants, boots, and KA-BAR, palm bullpistol, reposition sword to easy access
"I'm coming, dammit"
>open door five inches, braced against hip and now shod foot
>mildly melanin enriched gentlemen are at my door
>smile warmly (drunkenly grin?) at them

"May I help you gents?"
>"Oye guero, we're looking for Antonio."
"Sorry, but I just moved here a few days ago, and I don't know who Antonio is."
>"He lived here right before you did! And if you know what's good for you..."
>he shows an IWB hi-point
>"Di me a donde fue."

>ADD/ADHD is a motherfucker
>drunken ADD/ADHD is much, much worse

"Is that a hi-point?"

>el señor pulls it out and points it at me
>yep. It's a hi-point

>"Well?"
"Well, I don't know the guy, but it's cold out there and I'm thirsty. Come on in; we can talk about your missing Antonio."

>open door widely
>gesture for my guests to come in, friendly-like
>forget my gun hand is now my gesture hand
>apparently I'm now in control of the firearms situation as well
>they come in, sit obediently

"Would you like a screwdriver? Anything?"
>"Uh...no, no gracias."
"So dude, lemme see your pistol. I haven't seen one in person before."

>>34978706
>hands over pistol
>just like a dipshit, he didn't clear it
>pocket holster my weapon
>clear his weapon on my own
>that's odd...no round in the chamber

"You know, you really should carry a pistol with one in the chamber. It's a lot easier to use that way. Faster, too. Anyway, what's so important about talking to Antonio?"

>take a drink from my screwdriver

>"Well....he owes my boss money."
"I'm guessing it isn't something like twenty bucks, is it?"
>"More like two thousand..."
"Wow...two grand is a pretty penny. I apologize that I can't help you find your friend. Have you tried checking out his frequent contacts or other buddies you know he has?"

>sip

>"Yeah...they all said he skipped town, so we came to where he lived..."
"Here?"
>"Yeah, here. So, you really do live here now? Not him?"
"Yep. Anyway, I'm going to get back to playing my game. You guys have a good night, OK? Good luck finding him."

>walk them to the door
>open it, hand the cronie his gun and magazine, wish them well again.
>close and lock door
>unpause game
>"SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!"
>FUCK
>step outside and grab a cig
>slowly realize I just intimidated some gang members by being drunk and friendly
>....not that bad
>make another drink and reload my save

Someone tried my door when I was at the range, 45 minutes away with my neighbor. My gf was home alone and I took literally every gun I owned.

So I drove back fast as I could and my neighbor and I cleared my yard and the rest of my property, then his side (duplex)

Later that night about 3 (I don't sleep til 4) my dog starts barking frantic as FUCK. Then I hear someone try my porch door. Knob turns halfway, the whole bang

I'm beyond pissed at this point. I had shot all my 5.56 and all I had left was my nugget with the bayonet. I go out with this wearing only my underwear and flip flops and wait for like half an hour before finally hearing footsteps of whoever was hiding running away.

I finally let out the fart I had been holding.

The end.

>>34978776
Should have farted while standing out there looking majestic as all fuck. When the dumbshit started inevitably laughing you could aim for him by sound.

>>34978716
are you even real?

>>34978716
Fuck, i really want this to be real.

>>34978706
>>34978716

REPOST BULLSHIT

>>34978706
>>34978716
life in the valley

>>34978960
>>34979054
Sadly, yes. I am real.

>>34979068
Well, yeah. I posted this before. You think I type all this back up each time I'm drunk and saw a thread where it would fit?

>>34979087
Eeeeyyyyy, McAllen too?