Embarassing /k/ stories

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I want to have a good chuckle reading your ausitarmy fails and other cringe-worthy moments. I'll start with mine even though I am a bitter civilian:

>run downstairs trying not to crap myself

>slam butt on toilet seat but do not lock door

>mongoloid pug begins scratchng at it and the more I scream the wilder it becomes

>my anus glues shut as I try to scare it by stomping and it manages to push past the door anyway

>as I try to stand up quickly I fumble and slip off to the side of the toilet seat

>knives fall out of pockets

>seat is violently ripped off the toilet

I never knew toile seats cost that much but at least my EDCs didn't chip or anything. Before you ask they are folders.