Your move

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>>34688831
whistle for my highly trained sons who come flying out of their rooms and spitroast the intruder while my wife and i masturbate to the scene

>>34688831
Bitch how the fuck am I supposed to know? Damn u stupid as hell

>>34688831
People who make threads like this should be permabanned.

>>34688831
that's why you aim to be the qt3.14 yourself :^)

>>34688831
Instantly fry the intruder's brain with my psychic powers that /x/ taught me

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>>34688891

Use my survival skills to quickly tie a noose to hang myself.
>they cant kill you if you kill yourself

>>34688831
Not even a little. Being alpha is for idiots, winning is where it's at.

>tell grill to shut up, stay quiet, and dial 911
>grab gat and gatteries
>grab shop lamp i keep handy for just this reason
>quietly open door
>TACTICALLY SCANS FOR TACTICAL THREATS
>conveniently my door points at the top of the stairs but cant be seen anywhere except for from the very top last few feet of said stairs
>fatal funnel.jpg
>place shop lamp mid way between door/top of stairs and slightly off to the side(hard to explain). aim at top of stairs
>turn it on and scurry back to darkness of room where i prone out at the furthest spot from stairs that has a good view, probably prying my bed a little away from the wall and lying there partially concealed
>call out fair warning to would be corpses
>pays my monies, takes my chances.

Choices for baddies:

a: leave

b: charge up stairs and into fatal funnel, get blinded by light and either get shot or blind fire in the general direction of said light and then get shot because it wasn't even where i was hiding lol

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>>34688831
>Having a gf
>Having a dedicated living room
>Having a dog
Just live alone in a barricaded studio apartment. All these home defense scenario posts involve normies in the 'burbs.

>>34688831
Pull my gun from my waistband and wait in bed playing sleep until he sticks his head in the doorway.

>>34688831
alpha enough not to have a qt in bed with me
tactical disadvantage

>>34688831
>Mag dumps Glock 19 30 round mag in general vicinity of noise
>Smother qt with pillow
>Go back to sleep

>Calmly grab my .44
>put on my eye protection
>put on my ear protection
>assume correct isosceles firing stance
Safety first.

>>34688831
>fix sword bayonet to SMLE
>grab trench whistle for morale
>leave bedroom, move along hallway wall
>blow whistle as loud as possible and charge into living room
>run him through
>pull trigger and fire a round point blank jic

>>34688831
I live in my roommates living room, so I guess I have to rack the shotgun next to my bed and then smash this guy with some buttstock gun-fu

>>34690440
That sounds kinky, anon.

>>34689157

Are you me? But i live in a studio above a garage in the country.

>>34688831
>in bed next to qt 3.14
Immediately realize it's a dream and probably wake up.

>>34688831

"somethin don't feel right so I grab the 9 and the clip and go and murda motherfuckers at night"

>>34688831
Paperboy missed, those hormones are making him riled up. Don't worry, he'll make a cute trap.

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AFFIX BAYONETS

>>34688831

16 in the clip and one in the hole, Anon 'bout ta make some bodies turn cold.
Now they droppin' and yellin'
It's a tad bit late
Anon and his lady had to regulate

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>>34690508

>>34690651
That character is definitely the type of person who would want to look like he's trying to hold his shit in while shooting

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>>34688831
>"probably nothing....babe....go back to bed" as I put the sleeping goggles over my body pillow
>"heh.....they never learn"
>get up and wipe off the Doritos that were laying on my chest I was eating when I was watching attack on titan
>step over my piss/shit jugs, 2 liter sunkist bottles, mcdonalds and carls junior bags, and a few of my boxers I forget to put in the hamper
>go into my closet and move my life size cut out of cortana and grab my katana
>throw on my oakleys I stole from my brother
>put on my blazer from cowboy bepop, the same one spike spiegel wore
>grab my fedora, forget I pissed in it because I all the jugs were full
>Doesnt matter Ill use the stench to my advantage
>tie hair back into ponytail
>at this time my fluttershy socks with real wings sewed into them are drenched in piss from the piss and soda stains in my carpet
>i cant afford to slip on the floor when I strike
>take them Off
>throw one over each shoulder, hoping to blind the intruder
>finally, I grab saraiya goyou katana
>hear aiki (my body pillow/gf) say "she'll pray for me"
>I smirk and say "Me? you should be praying for him, hes the one whos gonna be leaving in two pieces
>walk into the living room
>I havent left my bed in 4 years I forget how to get around
>finally reach the living room
>With my back turned to the intruder I say "Pillaging my house, huh? You got guys, kid, too bad Im gonna be the one to rip them out"
>unsheathe my katana, takes a few tries cause it got stuck on the holster
>turn around
>No one there
>my parents Tv, laptops, radio, coffee table, phone, chairs, jewelry, and everything of value is gone
>my parents cat has been stabbed 15 times so it didnt meow
>remember that I took 20 plus minutes to get ready cause I was trying to look like pic relate but with just a little extra weight added on, the tie didnt really look as cool
>go back to bed and fuck my gf (Body pillow)
>I got kicked out of my house about 3 days ago

>wake up realizing I am alone and miserable
>pretend to be asleep
>????
>sweet valhalla by hand of burglar

>>34690478
>having a human shield is a tactical disadvantage

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>>34688831
Probably not even hear it until they open my fucking door ill be like "who tf r u nigger" and get up and conor McGregor. his ass then go get to get 12 gauge he's chasing me with knife finally get the fucking gun out and put about five #8 birdshot shells into him and then get stabbed to death.

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>>34688831
>I live on the 3rd floor
>my living room windows face out to my balcony
>Mfw somebody breaks into my apartment on the 3rd floor and breaks into my living room rather than through the front door...

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>>34688831
OP this happens to me all the time. I've killed three of her dogs. Fucked 4 others. But it's ok, they wanted it.

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>>34690634

>>34688981
This

>>34688831
>yell to the dog to take care of it
>dog takes care of it
>now woke, fuck qt 3.14 to sounds of burglewannabe getting his throat ripped out by doggo

>>34688831
Put on sneakers in case of broken glass
Pop a Viagra
Grab SKS
Greet home invaders naked with raging erection and bayonet out for maximum intimidation.

>>34691678
>needs viagra for erection

poor your qt3.14

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>>34691691
Don't need it for her, just want maximum Rockwell hardness for presumably male intruders. The last thing I need is to add a distraction to a life and Death situation by having to think about Alizee just to engage the enemy.

>>34691733
>Alizee

you magnificent bastard I didn't need those nostalgia feels

>I wouldn't worry about it.

>>34688831
>All of these ridiculous responses
Grab shotgun, put on bathrobe, and tyrone is in for a surprise.
>#4, 00B, 00B, 1oz Slug, 1oz Slug.

>>34691678
>>34691821
Bathrobe is an unnecessary step

>>34689036
I choose option C: steal all your shit downstairs

>late at night, sleeping in bed
>BOOM BOOM CRASH
>dogs are getting into shit downstairs
>get up to go check
>see a fucking huge black dog thrashing around stuck in the doggy door
>only its massive head and one shoulder can barely fit
>it grabs the corner of the kitchen cabinet for leverage
>nope back into the bedroom and lock the door
>next day only a few things broken on the ground and some scratch marks on walls

FUCK WISCONSIN

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>>34688831
>This is not my beautiful house
>This is not my beautiful wife

>>34690605

That door opens inward, you fucking genius.

The door would push your bayonet and thus your rifle to the side.

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I live in a 20 foot remodeled travel trailer from the early 70s its off grid but incognito innawoods with 12 funs i have no living room theres one way in and out of this bitch and i didnt re paint the outside noone would break in here. If they did im already within 5 to 6 feet of them naked holding my pistol ill mag dump get a boner from the adrenaline then fuck the bullet wounds till they lose the room temperature challenge.

>>34691986
Why didn't you shoot it?

>>34688831
grab my marlin 45-70 and blow a hole in the dudes chest the size of a pumpkin

>>34691659
This is the only correct answer.

>>34690515
>rest of the company advances to secure the new ground

>>34692073
I intend to charge right through the door.

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>>34690515
>>34692749
Good one

>in bed next to qt 3.14
Quickly realise that I am the intruder, this is not my home, and the wife has mistaken me for her husband, who has presumably just drunkenly walked into the coffee table after getting home from drinks with "the boys."

In a fake gruff middle aged voice, I say "uhh I'll go check" then fucking LEG IT

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>>34692749

>>34688831
shout "I HAVE AUTISM AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!"

Giggle like a kid waking up on christmas morning as the fuck tries to navigate my home filled with weight equipment and tangled cords of unkempt neetism, Gun tucked into tighty whites as I weight for the sound of him slamming face first into the floor after tripping, and he will trip if he can't see.
>MFW last thing he'll see is a giggling loon looming over him with a baseball bat

>>34691986
Not grabbing a club, and beating it while its stuck. being this beta. Kek

>Start blaring Cabaret Voltaire over the in-home speaker system, at full volume
>strip down to nothing
>grab Glock 34
>crawl toward the site of intrusion

>>34688865
First post best post

>>34688831
>take off pants
>run downstairs
>see intruder
>begin to furiously masturbate
Then as the intruder is in panicked/confusion I will ejaculate on him and draw my pen knife from my anus.

>>34690600
Who is that?

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>>34695232
That's George Costanza, Jason Alexander looks different now that he's grown a mustache.

>>34692031
This song plays way too much on the radio.

>sounds like someone wants to take the room temp challenge
>draw 1911
>sling ar 15 on
>go check it out

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>>34688831
>attach bayonet i never use to mosin
> lie in wait because only valuable shit is in my room

inb4 only wound him and dindu nuffin

>>34689157
>tfw have a fatal funnel at my 1 bedroom's entrance

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>>34688831
WHAT WAS THAT NOISE

BURGLERFAGS GET OUT REEEEEEEEEEEE

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>>34688831
Equipment i have for this kind of situation:

>Tacticool steel ballistic shield
>Pistol AR
>Altyn Cyka Blyat Helmet of Glorious Spetnazal
>Balaklava with 3 holes
>Nothing else
>Not even underwear
>Body of 6 foot 3
>180 pounds of pure gopnik

Proceeding:

>Get balaklava next to bed in night stand
>Run to the hat thing shit that wife hangs scarfs that i dont know the name of and get Glorious Gopnik Grade Atlyn
>Get shield under the bed that is under the pistol tacticool amerishit AR
>Open door
>Turns lower body quickly multiple times with feet set in place smaking dong against door multiple times while screaming
> "OOOOOPAH CYKA"
> Proceed to raise shield gloriously and put down the visor before rushing out of room
> "WHERE U AT GOPNIK"
> "BABUSHKA IS NO HAPPY WIT U"
> Find noob,
> "OPAH BLYAT!
> 360 noscope with my dong after using the momentum of me swinging the shield and propulsion offered by glorious tiny friend AR.
> Go back to qt314
>make love to her and the robbers wife at same time

>>34688831
>temporarily panic
>remember im part tyrone.
>grab cheap ass high point.
>night cammo activated
> nog vission on.
>unlatch door .
>see tyrone trying to jack my tv
>he aint worth the bullet
> activate blue collar strentch
Pounce on tyrone and use the heavy ass highpoint as a cudgel
> being part white gives me racial bonus to beating tyrone
>being part brown gives me chimpout special attack.
> finish beating tyrones skull in with the high point which is now covered in tyrone.
>clean up thrown on a white t shirt along with a collared long sleeve shirt and my dress khakis with nice dress shoes.
>cops arrive activate uncle tom mode
>"this brute broke into my house"
>flash pba card
>cops clean up and cart away tyrone.
>i go back to bed.
All is well when you can play both sides of the game.

>>34696655
Strength

>>34688831
Grab shot gun from behind headboard.
Pull my vest out from under bed. As she pulls her vest on and her fn57 from night stand.
She huddles in corner behind bed covering door. And hits the panic alarm if it isnt already going off, and get s on phone with cops.
I huddle doen behind dresser covering door.

We shelter in place.

Give cops code word to shout out once they arive.


We dont have kids. When we do plan will change a little. To me covering stairway while she and kids get into panic room that our nexr house will have.

Im not going ro clear ny house when i have a defensive position to my advantage.

My shit is insured , the money
Jewlery and funs are in safes , or in the bank.

Only protect what cant be replaced.