Funny Military Stories thread

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>>34197696

>be me
>onnaboat
>live with the lower enlisted plebs
>one of them brought a stack of porno mags for the underway times
>what a great book club we have
>someone places them in the head with or other reading materials
>porno mags + home and garden +american rifleman
>surpriseinspection.exe
>NCO going around checking to make sure no gear adrift and no systems broken
>looksgoodman.jpg
>walks into head
>whatsthis.mp4
>sees the porno mag stack (other people added to it, its quite large now
>NCO pics up the stack, walks out
>says "inspection looks good, but i'm going to need to take these, what if a female had seen them, she could be offended?"
>female, in a male berthing, in a male head
>mfw

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>>34197696
I don't have a story, but I do have this.

>>34199959
Sounds like 20 man

>>34200391
post moar of these comics

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>>34197696
>Reading Purpose Driven Life in one hand and what is presumably a Baptist pocket bible in the other.

Not really that funny since he's probably still in the 99th percentile for nigger intelligence.

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>>34201785

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>>34201785
>not a comic but whatev

>>34199959
>gear adrift
confirmed for fake, thats not what "adrift" means and no madman on a ship would leave a stack of magazines out, it'd topple over even on the subtle bobbing even alongside

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>>34201785
And to Finnish, here is the classic that I saved so very long ago. Technically my last is older, I think, but this one always made me laugh.

>>34202687
>el jumalauta el helvetti
what does it MEAN

>>34202718
I love Finns, I watch Hydraulic Press Channel mostly for Lauri's wonderful accent

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>>34197696
Here's one for you OP:
>Fort Sill for BCT
>Second day out of reception in Basic
>Doing weapons check
>Bays are split up between Platoons except for the 1st bay being just females, i.e. 2nd platoon males in 2nd bay, ect.
>Females just finished counting off, so 2nd platoon is up
>DS: "Count off!"
>"01, 02, 03....08, 09, 20!"
>Good job, private dumbshit
>DS: "Godammit, start over!"
>"01, 02, 03...08, 09, 20!
>Fuck me, we're going to push Oklahoma into Texas
>DS:"2nd Platoon, front leaning rest position, move!"
>Thank God it's not us
>DS:"Alright, when I say down, I want you to say we can't count. When I say up, I want you to say for shit."
>DOWN
>"We can't count!"
>UP
>"For shit!"
>The whole company starts losing their shit
>To put the cherry on top, Bravo was having family day next door
>Fucking families are standing there horrified
>MFW seeing their reactions

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>>34202743
Bulbasaur! :DDDD

>>34202797
>be in Aimo's squad
>see him dump the pills
>you know what they do
>you cannot stop him
>you need him fast
>he slams them back and you know it is only a matter of time before
>"OI PERKELE!" he shouts, his voice echoing off the snowy hills
>you see him begin to pick up speed
>back to the future theme plays
>he races off into the distance
>"Aimo wait!" you call
>but he is gone
>gone on the adventure of his life

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>>34201785

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>>34201785
this one always gets me

>>34202704
clearly you haven't dealt with bullshit inspections or been out to sea on a large boat, they don't move that much.
"gear adrift" could be anything. personal items left out, stuff not secured or tied down for sea.

>>34202743
Something like "oh shit goddamnit"

>>34197696
This is short one from a co-worker of mine that's cool as fuck
>Be 2nd Lieutenant
>In Afghanistan
>Standing at attention for some reason
>So hot
>Feel slight pinch on leg
>Something hit my pant leg
>Look down
>Fucking Camel Spider climbing on boot
>HOLYSHIT.EXE
>Scream
>Kick leg
>Spider flings off leg
>Unload 5 rounds of .45 into cave demon (this was the early 90s)
>"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!"
>Sargeant is pissed
>"A spider sergeant"
>"WELL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A BIG FUCKING SPIDER!"
>Have to pay $50 for every shot
I'm not in the military so I may have screwed up some of the details

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>>34203686
That story is about as real as your cool as fuck co-worker and you should feel bad for telling lies on the internet.

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>>34203714
That's like, your opinion man.

Every boot camp/basic training story:

>This one time we did something stupid
>Our DS/DI got soooooo mad haha

>>34203686
Their are so many holes in that story, I don't even know where to start. You should feel embarrassed.

>>34203794

One time in basic I puked. The drill sergeants laughed at me.

Another time a kid name Phillips hung himself in the bathroom. The drill sergeants did not laugh at that.

>>34203959
kek

>>34203959

I rmmeber my rdc telling me a story about some kid who shit his pants then tried to hang himself

>>34203946
Sorry for barely remembering a story from a 5 minute conversation I had years ago.

>>34202676
>You stand out like a straight guy among rangers!
kek

>>34204011

The kid from my group hung himself in the shitter, maybe shit right before he did it. We had the chaplain talk to us for the next couple days. DS didn't dig into us for a week. Kinda lame.

>>34197696
Another one of the guys from my old company was just found dead from suicide

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>>34203794
>class leader gets plan of the week
>instructors prone to changing schedule last minute
>class leader doesn't double check for fuckery everyday
>brings whole class to wrong evolution
>realize someone fucked up when none of the cadre show up after 30 minutes
>class leader still certain we are in the right
>procedes to have the class do some organized stretches while we wait
>10 min later an instructor pulls up in his truck
>fug
>"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!!"
>"YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO GET YOUR ASSES TO THE POOL DECK, LINED UP READY TO GO."
>pools like 1 mile away
>class frantically sprinting
>roadguards dead and can barely keep up
>one of them is holding 3 swimming fins that fell off of some guys' backpacks
>finally arrive and get changed out and formed up 13 minutes later
>eerie silence
>instructor calmly waiting on pool deck
>asks who the class leader and assistant class leader are
>tells the rest of us to get in the pool and start swimming
>procedes to "talk" to them for like 2 minutes
>they wind up bearcrawling around the pool deck with life rings around their heads each holding on to a pool noodle like pic related
>goes on for 80 minutes

>>34203794
>be me
>BCT 2005 fort benning
>form up and March to pt
>bringing up the rear
>guts rumbling, still not sure if from food or nerves
>start to sweat
>feel faint
>shart down my shorts
>about face back to barracks and shame shower as fast as I can
>get caught by DS
>"Do you want to explain to me blah blah blah"
>reply sheepishly "I shit my pants Drill Sergeant"
>DS rolls his eyes with a look of mild disgust
>"carry on"
Never got shit for it, or a nickname. Honestly surprised nothing came of it.

>>34197696
I actually have a MEPS story. For some background a buddy of mine had been a pill dealer. I was never really into drugs but I got into this phase where I'd pop viagra and fuck (and I mean full on fuck, no breaks) for an hour. It was kinda cool at the time and I didn't think too much of it.

Anyway
>be me, wanna enlist
>go to recruiting station, ASVAB and all that.
>grow up in Florida, have awful allergies
>always take an allegra (which is purple) as an antihistamine
>pack up the night before to go to MEPS
>kinda nervous, and excited
>get up 0500
>take allegra and roll over to MEPS
>fall out in Tampa MEPS, get that sticker with your branch etc.
>feel a bit excited at it all, think nothing of it
>filling out med forms, begin to feel my Benis harden
>weird.png
>continue through paper work and notice it's continuing to make me randy
>what the fuck.webm
>shit won't go down. Full mast and I'm beginning to panic
>come to the part where we go to weigh in and do the duck walk
>vainly I try to tuck Benis up into my elastic but it's clearly not working
>shit decides to flop out as me and about 14 other dudes are duck walking in a circle

Long story short I did not join the Army.

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>>34204170

>>34203959
Top kek, spat out my coffee

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>>34197696
> Being me
> Bong Sgt in barracks 2 years ago.
> Got these two young blokes join our platoon
> Go everywhere together
> One we call Avril Lavigne, ecause he was a sk8tr boi she said see you later boi he wasn't good enough for her
> the other we call baldrick (like out of blackadder) because he's thick as dried concrete.
> As a prank avril decides to make "a cold one" for the baldrick
This is where you brew a cold tea, stir it with your dick, then pop it in the microwave and give it to someone.
> The baldrick found out about this so comes up with a cunning plan
> Avril enjoys a good toasty from the george foreman.
> Without checking baldrick shoves his dick in.
> Hear a scream
> He immediately runs into the womens Shitter to run some water over it with dick in hand
> A captain from MI was in there and she knees him in the balls
> Get called to the MO
> He's chuckling like doc hibert.
> Says i've got to see this
> he rips up a blanket covering baldricks balls
> What the fuck is that? is that a panini.
> its swollen and got scorching lines on it and everything
> Laugh my head off
> Gets called panini dick

pic related

>>34200391
omg, this is amazing. the art.

>>34202690
so they just hide and seek the dick card?

>>34199959
>skimmerfags
Never had this problem onnasub, though I hear that's changing.

>>34203794
Not sure if you served or not, but watching a DI/DS going off and how creative they can get is pretty fucking funny.

>>34205032
This. I have grown convinced DIs must be the gold standard for creativity on demand. If watch the shit out of whose line, DI edition

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>>34202718

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>>34204478

>>34203959
Kek.

During my boot at MCRD San Diego it was a kid who tried to hang himself using the plastic hose that dispensed soap for the mop bucket.

He got med sepped of course, but I was always mad at the little shit because they took the hose away and preparing the mop water was more difficult the entire time after.

>>34204170
Massively underrated post.

>>34204271
But ill bet the Navy would have.

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>>34204478
Bong stories are always... Interesting.

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>>34197696
>Be me
>Be me in marine boot
>DI Rambo always carrying big ass bowie knife
>Under water silent swimmin practice inna big ass pool
>Sneaky sneaky swimmy peek up mouth to take a breath go back to sneaky sneaky swimmy
>Do 180 no scope flip to a nice easy push off of the side of pool start sneaky swimmy to the other end
>Suddenly ripped up to the surface by the neck
> Earlier mentioned bowie knife is now pressed against my throat
>Be me the pool ISIS victim
>DI Rambo screaming he heard my push off and am now dieded
>Fug Im not sneaky
>Sir yes Sir, Sir that weapon is not issue Sir
>PT is good for me, full run 5 miles

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>>34197696
>be me
>be inna presentation about cyber operations
>staff officers everywhere
>Commander talks about hacking and shit
>tells us that not only other state are dangerous
>even DDOS, script kiddies and hackers like 4chan can cause major threads
>one of his collages included a pepe
I still haven't figured out if he was serious about that or if it was some meta memeing

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This one time the drill sergeant got SO ANGRY

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At sniper school.
Got completely lost during the stalk lane (no map and compass was kinda busted)
End up on far right side of stalk lane while rest of class funnels to the other side.
Instructors not expecting anyone there, have time to find a good loophole.
Spotter can't get walker onto me...
Have enough points to pass event... which is good cause i got lost on the way back and didnt get back in time to get rest of points.

First time go on stalks :)

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>>34205855
>Also be me not so sneaky swimmer
>Standing in formation while the beds are checked for tucked nurse corners of perfection
>Fuck gotta sneeze
>Turn to my right
>Commence tactical sneeze
>Direct hit on stalky roided black DI
> Receive compensation for surprise sneeze attack by means of a fist to the stomach with the force of 5000 sun's

>>34205855
>>34206359
You know it's obvious you're telling lies, don't you?

I'd tell you how it's painfully obvious, but in doing so I'd make you a more clever troll who could lie better.

>>34204992

Obviously, smoking on a sub is a bad thing. But what about e cigarettes?

>>34205628

Got anything not for ants?

>>34206406
(You)

>>34206442
If you want to pretend to be a jarhead on 4chan, that's ok. It's mildly flattering. But since they're obvious lies, make it more entertaining. That's all I ask.

>>34206483
>Be me in djibouti
>Be BFS
>Officerbro stops bladder truck on an angle
>Marine grill wrong place wrong time
Bladder rolls off turning her into a human pretzel
Oh wait that one's not funny
Tell me a story anon other then stenciling cocks on mudhuts...

>>34206545
Oh I didn't contribute any stories. I've been here years and years, already told all mine. Just read to see if any were comical and called yours out for obvious flim flammery.

>>34206565
I tried to make them comical
But unless my memory is completely fucked
I did have a knife to my neck and a punch to the stomach
But not embellishing would have made the stories a bit bland

>>34206592
Don't bullshit a bullshitter.

There is no "silent underwater swim". Just regular ass swim quall. And the guy teaching you to swim wouldn't have been your DI. It would have been a swimming instructor.

And they wouldn't of held a knife to your throat or punch you, not in front of other recruits. And you SURE as shit wouldn't be giving any Sir sandwiches. So shut the fuck up already. I caught you telling you BS, and there's no face for you to save. So STFU please.

>>34202704
Gear adrift isn't even just used in the Navy or Marine Corps you fag

>>34206633
Jesus fucking Christ...
No he wasn't MY DI
Yes I practiced underwater stealth
We also had a game where they would throw a concrete brick in the pool and we would be the shit out of each other to see who could bring the brick to the top
I have a suspicion we went at much different time
I.E. your an Obama era pussified Marine
Now I have a real job to get too
I don't lurk /k/ all day on "disability"
Fucking clown

>>34206690
Shut the fuck up you lying old sack of shit
"Obama era pussified Marine"
Boot is the easiest part of being a Marine, regardless of era you faggot
"Oh no, you get hazed in the fleet instead of boot, what is muh beloved Corps coming to"

Anon called you out on being a lying fag, and here you are, butthurt

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>>34206690
Jesus H Christ

I can't tell if you're legit or not at this point

At first it was a hard "nah this nigga ain't serve"

Seeing all those grammatical errors made me reconsider, maybe you really are a marine

>makes references to hazing
>calls someone an Obama era marine
Confirmed for edgy teenager, no legitimate serviceman would shit on anyone else's service unless they're an absolute cunt, so either you're stealing "valor", which hurts nobody because you're a child, or you're a giant cunt who probably never got anywhere because you have no concept of human decency and go out of your way to shit on others

>>34206690
No. You're full of absolute shit. And my next class isn't until 12:30, on my GI Bill, and I can shit post the majority of the day.

I joined during bush jr., and left during Obama if it matters little lier.

>>34206727
Dude calls me out on "lying"
About shit I still remember clearly
As a BFS I may have not seen the combat he did
But yeah I'm a little pissy right now
So sorry for that
Also I really have to get

>Infantry AIT, Benning
>Morning PT run, one private's shirt gets hung up on this low tree branch
>riiiiiip
>Private's entire upper chest is wrapped in Ace Bandages
>DS calls a halt, pulls them off
>suddenly tits
>Private so and so somehow managed to get past the recruiter, MEPs and basis and god and everybody as a woman
>Gone by that evening
>no clue what happened to her

>>34197696
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WyrYBrOC1o

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>>34206765
>Private so and so somehow managed to get past the recruiter, MEPs and basis and god and everybody as a woman
Bullshit, you fucking shower together! There was one dude that hair the most effeminate body I've ever seen back at basic, like no skin, child bearing hips, high pitched voice, the whole nine yards. I made sure to check his dick out multiple times to make sure I wasn't being rused.

>>34203794
>Navy OCS
>Our class DI was one of the most notorious DIs at OCS but we loved him as we progressed
>short muscular black guy with a slight island accent
>be me, skinny little white dude who's also a goober
>last phase of training we are allowed to talk freely with RDCs and DIs in a professional manner
>DI starts picking on me because I'm really skinny and he knows I'm a goober
>pokes me in the stomach and says "eat something" as we're doing graduation practice
>respond with "Aye Gunnery Sergeant!" while holding back laughter
>Walks by me in the chow hall and orders me to get more chocolate milk in a threatening way
>Also orders me to get more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
>Also threatened to "judo-chop my ass" when I wasn't doing 1000 yard stare

Nothing too crazy but he was great, taught me how to be confident under pressure.

>>34205918
Are they going to let me be a 17C if I'm on 4chan then? kek

>>34197696
>Inna Navy nuke school
>Life sucks, as is tradition
>Buddy West and his friends have idea to go to beach
>Stop at Spencer's, get various blow up girls
>Naughty Nurse, Asian Angel, Heavy Hottie, Blonde Beauty
>Each has three holes, ready and offered
>Blow them up at the beach, ride them as beach floats
>Used as boogie boards, etc
>College girls find it hilarious, friends actually get a few numbers
>All but Heavy Hottie have popped by the end of the day
>Heavy Hottie gets shoved in trunk, still inflated, taken back to base by West
>Time goes on
>Get new XO
>Wants to prove he's a hardass/make those nukes get in line (not a nuke himself)
>Orders a "Health and Comfort" inspection (contraband search)
>No warning, just all students are held in the schoolhouse one day, then marched out in formation
>Get to barracks rooms
>MAs (Navy military police) are watching; no one allowed to enter their room. Stand outside and wait
>Inspector arrives at West's room
>She's an O-3 (Lieutenant, other branches call that rank Captain)
>Enters his room with him
>First stop: MM3 West, unlock your closet
>Unlocks closet, opens door
>Heavy Hottie stares, naked and open mouthed, up at Lieutenant
>Covered in crust of dry saltwater
>Lieutenant stares open mouthed back
>West: "That's my girlfriend, ma'am."
>Lieutenant leaves, never touches the rest of the room.

>>34205238
Less so than you'd think. I knew a guy that got held up at boot camp after graduation for bullshit reasons (they lost his orders, but couldn't just print new ones online, oh no, they had to cancel them, then reissue them, then coordinate this and that, and blah fuck blah fuck blah), and got put on a work detail. He cleaned the reception building where new victims to Great Mistakes (Navy boot) first arrive. The RDC (Navy DS) running the joint clued him in that they all swap stories and material, and need to practice sometimes, b/c the shit's so over the top.
>RDC was 6'6" 200+ lb musclebound black guy from Chicago
>Favorite rant was for white boys from the South who showed up wearing a "wifebeater"

>>34204225
>2007

Where have all the years gone? Dates on pasta is fucking creepy.

Can you military guys tone down the jargon? No one who isn't from your specific branch of your force knows wtf you're talking about.

>>34202799
I'd like to think that they weren't horrified at the mean ol' instructor, or the swearing, but at the fact that the next generation of the force that's there to protect their interests abroad literally can't count

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>>34206765
dude, you're not fooling anyone. stop lying to anons on the internet.

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>>34200391
Requesting the version where the genie says "you got it" in the second to last panel

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>>34207169

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>>34207521

>>34206690
Writer here but >>34206633 raises some interesting points. I can't find anywhere that says anyone but a swimming instructor would be the one next to the pool. You have to be *exceptionally* old for the knife thing and the punch thing to even fly, that's been a big no-no for awhile, and your choice of "Obama-era" as an epithet leads me to suspect that you're not actually that old. (such a small focus, 2008-2016? Older men would include anything past 2000 or 1990)

My guess is, if you did serve, you were active from 1998-2008 and this was just after the time when they handed out little blue cards in case all the yelling got to you. With such a concern for recruit mental health on the agenda it's ridiculous to think that you'd be *punched* at any point. >>34206738 is probably from the same service period as you, I wonder if he remembers being punched?

Additionally I question why you were trained to swim clandestinely in a pool in boot, correct me if I'm wrong but you don't have your MOS at that point as a recruit. The only people I can imagine ever needing to be a "sneaky swimmer" is 0321 and 0372 off the top of my head. Boot wouldn't cover any of their training, that would be done in STC or BRC and I'm not sure recon marines need that kind of additional training.

Marines reading this, please, provide corrections as necessary.

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>be canadian
>reserve
>this big lanky guy has been being a shitpump for the whole course
>but canada NEEDS new personnel so he stays in
>towards the end of the course, after we've passed all the important stuff, everyone is kinda checked out and doesnt give a shit (including the instructors and base staff)
>pretty much exactly the progression in >>34202687 except over a matter of weeks instead of months
>the platoon has been smuggling in snacks at every opportunity
>but big lanky guy has a hankerin' for pop tarts
>no other snack food will suffice; it's gotta be pop tarts
>he leaves to go get pop tarts
>he comes back with MPs

Pop Tarts.

Nigga tried to break out of and then break back into a goddamn military base for fucking Pop Tarts.

I later learned that it was his second run, and he wasn't allowed to participate in the live round C7 shoots because they thought he'd shoot a guy in anger. Dude was fucked in the head, both emotionally and in just being a damn dumbass.

>>34206765
Wasn't this the plot to Mulan?

>>34207743
im not even a muhreen and it's incredibly clear that he's bullshitting, just from the level of violence shown by the DIs and the spec ops kinda mallninja tactool shit like "silent underwater swimming" being part of basic training.

also >>34206633 is right, your DI probably doesn't do a lot of teaching; if it's anything like here, you're given to a dedicated instructor for the various subjects. even if not, swimming would definitely have an outside instructure, since you'd be in a pool, and being at the pool means having a lifeguard or rescue swimmer and probably a dedicated swimming instructor who can properly coach guys on swimming technique

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>>34197696
Got this one from the last thread

>>34207743
1994 is when I enlisted
The fact that the guys says he shitposts all day leads me to believe I was successfully trolled

>>34207806
Also if I did steal valor I would have gone for maybe a pathfinder, do they still even have pathfinders?
Not a no combat seeing BFS sweating my ass off in Africa while the fucking French with their base across from ours are skipping around in short shorts

>>34206483
Thank you for your service!

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>>34208132
>>34208205
Wow. Can't believe you're still trying.

>>34208296
Do your school work

>>34208337
It's Friday got all weekend. Go do your chores for your mom. Wash the dishes or something.

>>34208348
GI bill is paying for you to go school 2 hours a day
Wait more bullshit
And I got a dishwasher mother fucker
High class all up in my kitchen

>Be new E-2 Navy
>First command checking in with the Div Chief (250lbs of Epic Mustache and coffee gut) and DIVO (fresh from academy LT).
>Blah blah, we expect alot of you.
>Dont drink and drive
>Dont be stupid
>Go about your day
>Stupid me " Thank you sirs."
>Mustache "What did you call me!?"
>...
>...
>Stupid me:"Thank you ... Ma'am."

The LT was almost crying from trying not to laugh and the Chief was dumbstruck.
I didnt even make it the 10ft from the office to my desk before my LPO started screaming "Holy Fuck, Did you just call Chief a woman!"

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>>34208414
You having a dishwasher is the only thing you've said that might actually be true.

>>34207743
Not that anon but marine boot up till the seventies was nothing like it is now.

My uncle had the shit kicked out of him by his DI back in the sixties.

His daughter ended up being a nurse at camp lejune in the late 90's. They took HS aged me to Parris island to show me the corp.

My uncle was not impressed.

Meanwhile I decided I'd rather be a coastie. Until I ended up getting arrested anyway.

>>34206922
Sure man it was to make sure he wasn't fooling you. What were the deep kisses and anal sex to check?

Some of the funniest shit can't ever really be appreciated unless you were there.
>be me
>BCT
>lights out
>people won't stfu
>butthurt fags yelling "shut up I'm trying to sleep!"
>I'd yell back "no one cares... yeah shut up, I'm trying to beat off... what? I can't hear you over the sound of your girlfriend's picture... etc."
>guys yelling "turn the lights off... it's lights out"
>fire guard turns off lights
>quietly get up and walk to lights next to latrine
>for the next 10 minutes flip on lights and duck into latrine while guys got pissed

Another story
>kid in BCT got "depressed"
>made up some story about how he was suicidal or some shit
>talked to chaplain
>started process to chapter him out
>he would stay away from the rest of his platoon, dispite always being yelled at for an absence of a battle buddy
>DS comes up to him as he sits alone, while rest of platoon is being talked to by another DS
>"prive, where's your battle buddy at?"
>DS stops, looks at his name
>"wait... you're that Depressed kid, thinking about Kurt kobaining yourself?"
>kid horrified
>DS walks off chuckling

My personal favorite was being woken up in the middle of the night for no reason.
>"EVERYONE UP!"
>"private anon was sleeping in his long sleeve PT shirt instead of his short sleeve... front leaning rest position move"
>everyone gets down, do 40 push-ups while laughing and chuckling
>"position of attention move! Fix your battle buddy and get back in your bunks."

>>34208470
Oh I forgot the PT punishment we were doled out for a E-1 sticking his bare ass out the barracks window
They turned the heat up in the lounge as high as the fucker went and had is all doing up downs I don't remember how long, felt like forever
But I guess according to you that's with a lie or I'm crazy and have false memories
The truth is your generation got a pass
Cause being mean is mean right
And we don't want mean Marines...
And I guess it's cool to call each other jarheads now too
Fuck me are you even American ?
Isn't it a bit late in aus to be trolling

>>34209065
My ass. You said you joined in 94, yet you typed everything like a wigger. Everything I said that was wrong is still wrong.

Post a pic of your wrinkly hand next to your dog tags or something. Let's see some proofs.

>Be Halloween day
>Pair of nods went missing from are D co on friday
>Health and wellness inspection time this be Saturday night about 1am
>have many of things in room I shouldn't
>loaded mags, 40mm chalk round, flash bang etc.
>begin the squirreling
>Have box from kinky chains and shit
>bright idea hide things in box
>hours go by waiting for my time
>final hour reaches roommate being searched
> women's panties are found lots.
>Gets to me searching finding nothing
>gets to bottom drawer 1lt looks in just as I give warning looks up at me. Weird glance is giving.
>1LT lanes jokes about what goes on between us is none of his business doesn't touch anything else and walks out
>and then we went on lockdown for a week. Good times.

>>34206425
Are you stupid? Click it asshole. This is too stupid to be bait.

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>>34210102

>>34203741
That movie was shit

>>34204271
Kek I know a guy who didn't wipe his ass for the part when they check your ass hole. He was immediately kicked out.

My brother got kicked out for punching a guy who erased his Persona 4 file on the base's PS2.

>>34211704
lmao who did he punch?

>>34211729
I have no idea. This was a long time ago and I heard it through him. I'm not a military guy. I just like the stories.

>>34209200
aww you scared him off

>>34210277
No it wasn't

Omg. Who cares. Shut up

>>34212762
Muhreens have very large and somewhat fragile egos, and doubly so for any of them posting on /k/

>>34205960

That is boot as fuck

>>34210277
That's, like, your opinion, man.

>>34207308
>West: "That's my girlfriend, ma'am."

Yeah man, OWN it!

made me lol

>>34208458
Lol. Fuckin booters, best laughs I ever have.

>>34207743
> this was just after the time when they handed out little blue cards in case all the yelling got to you.

Is this actually a thing now?

Fuck I'm old.

For various reasons, I ended up on a commercial boat in the 1980s going to the Soviet Union. The carried load (I have no idea about naval or shipping terms so bare with me) on the ship was mundane but valuable and I had been volunteered to accompany the ship. We came into the port, the name of which escapes me, but the guys on board had done this a thousand times before so I wasn't too worried. Personally, I had never been to the Soviet Union. I'd been in Eastern Europe but never the SU and it was a new experience for me.

The KGB unit responsible for the port came down to supervise. They kept us on the ship, in the bar - thankfully, for the duration of their inspection. This lasted two days as the load was processed and they camped out. We were allowed to leave the ship, but only to go about 20 yards up the path where there was another armed guard. They didn't speak a word of English, so we weren't exactly big on conversation, but we remained on good terms through smiles and cigarettes. You could see the town in the daylight, and everyone commented on what a shithole it was. I've seen some real dumps in my time and that was in the top 5. Black smoke, concrete, acid rain. Properly vile. Huge rusted hulls and creaking structures.

At the end of the second day, a full Colonel came down. His English was very good. He explained to us that we had been held for so long because they suspected people of wanting to leave the Soviet Union, illegally stowed on our boat.

From the back, a very dour and sarcastic Australian said "Oh, and why would they want to do that?" and pointed out the window at the port town.

At that point I prepared myself for counting trees and being hooked up to the mains of the local police station. The KGB man smiled, the most sinister smile I've ever seen, and told us that we could be soon on our way if there were no irregularities.

>>34217160
No one spoke until we left Soviet waters. The Australian thought it was funny. No one else did, especially a Chinaman whose family had escaped one Communist regime and had no intention of finding himself imprisoned in another one.

When I got back and did the usual interview you had to do when you visited a country behind the iron curtain, I neglected to mention the incident. I wondered if the KGB officer understood the sarcasm, or if he was genuinely surprised anyone would risk their life to leave that absolute tip.

>>34197696
I guarantee you he's a stupid African immigrant who actually thinks holding two books like that will impress people.

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>>34202819
>back to the future theme plays
jesus fuck man I almost shit myself picturing that

No green text but many moons ago when I was in the TA one of our lot on his CIC in catterick mouthed off to some regular recruits. They showed him the error of his ways by shoving a mars bar up his arse.

>>34217160
>>34217204
One ballsy bloke he is, holy hell

>>34204170
So both soldiers were holding both noodles?

kek

>>34204478
Was he alright?

>>34202799
>Fort Sill
There's yer problem

>>34217443
>be aus
>born to shitpost

>>34208794
god hated that pt bullshit so much and I remeber the nights people would not go to bed fuck jackson

>>34217523
You're fucking preaching to the choir there, guy. We didn't even get real rucksacks either, we used Assualt packs, and JC that fucked people's backs up.

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>>34204271
I have 2 MEPS stories from '05

>MEPS
>long day of paperwork and getting stuck with needles
>also lots of underwear time around other men doing gay exercises
>buttholeinspection.jpg
>morale is low, whole room full of recruits with boo-boo face, slowly getting dressed
>buddy next to me breaks silence
>"i-its just so.....uncomfortable....having another man spread your cheeks and look at your butt"
>"*GASP* THATS ALL HE MADE YOU DO?!?!?" - .t me
>whole room loses it laughing

pt 2.
>hanging out with my recruiter after
>SSG, 16 years in
>"so...how was the butthole inspection, anon"
>"pretty gay sarge"
>"......was it an old indian guy? 'dr pajeet'?
>"........................um...yeah......."
>"same guy when I went through"
>the same guy

Some poo in loo literally spent at least the better part of 20 years inspecting 50-60 buttholes a day, M-F.

>mfw

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We used to prank the new tankers in various ways

>check the armor for soft spots
>get a box of reticles
>blinker fluid
>exhaust samples, my personal favorite
>PRC-E7 radio (I need a 'prick' E-7)
>"shock test" the abrams by jumping up and down on it

>>34219102
>check the armor for soft spots

Always wondered, what happens if they actually find a soft spot?

Better question, has anyone swapped a plate off the skirt with a piece of clay just for that prank?

>>34219223
those plates weigh more than 10 men, there is no "swapping"

its steel, there are no soft spots. its funny to watch people tap on it like its drywall.

>Someone writes a joke memo addressed to the base commander
>Memo entails the small penis size of a coworker
>Memo was nothing more than a joke that was never supposed to be processed
>Somehow the Sgt gets his hand on the memo
>The rule is that memos have to be recieved by addressed no matter what
>Sgt desperately reads the memo for some fuck up that makes it not sendable
>Memo is fucking perfect
>Memo gets sent
>Everyone involved gets gate duty over the weekend

>>34205918
Assuming that was part of training to be a 17C or related MOS, what should I do to get that MOS? Recruiter's trying to scare me out of it.

>>34210277
At least I'm calmer than you.

>>34217148
They tried it for a little bit in the 90's before revising training procedures and methodology.

>>34217245
:DDDDDD

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>>34219265
>its steel, there are no soft spots
Yeah no, steel can absolutely have soft spots. RHA can't or it'll have obvious defects (delamination, voids, etc) in manufacture and anyone using it will notice.

Just think, there's some Chinese tankers out there who have a horror story of some dumb new guy falling through the roof of a Type 69.

>>34207142
who was your DI?

>>34204478
>with a cunning plan

I read that in his voice God damn it

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>>34221319
ok ill be more specific...

its AMERICAN steel, there are no soft spots
>inb4 jet fuel

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>>34222173
Well it is made by the lowest bidder...

>>34222323
But they have to conform to standards set by the DoD.

>>34207521
Will you fucking newfags learn to research this shit?
I get it its summer but jesus fuck after just one of these threads you'd think the whining about "jargon" would go away or you cunts would have some initiative to teach yourself a few new terms.

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>>34222376
>what is a joke and how does it work
I am rather disappointed that humor and wit are dying off.

>Kelly Hill, 2006
>just back from Iraq, 3rd BDE goes buck wild
>DUIs, arrests, failed piss tests everywhere
>getting pissed tested all the time and people are still popping hot
>Brigade brings in K9s and everything and people are still failing
>eventually the Division XO, a one star, comes down to do a walkthrough
>on that day, at 1300 formation, one private is missing
>he's in my squad but not on my team
>me and other team leader ask where this guy is
>another private informs us the missing private was sleeping in his room
>call private a dipshit for not waking his buddy and send him to retrieve the other private
>couple minutes pass and private comes back without sleeping private
>his face is white
>me, other TL, and now the squad leader want to know what happened
>as he's explaining, the 1SG comes out
>"sleeping private's SL, TL, and PSG need to come with me to brigade HQ, right now!"
>turns out sleeping private had his door open and the Division XO and his entourage walked in and woke him up
>he was asked by the division XO if he knew who he was
>sleeping Pvt replied, "yeah, i think you're the battalion commander"
>while this was happening, the private we sent to get him showed up, but immediately saw all the senior looking people and ran away
>other TL comes back from BDE and we find that everybody from Brigade commander on down got lectured by the General because of this
>Battalion CSM sends over medic with IV bags
>"Sergeant Major says these need to be empty when I come back"
>sleeping private and his buddy end up getting the shit smoked out of them and ended up in pretty much every shit detail from then until I ETSed like 4 months later

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>>34204170
>that pic
>80mins

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>>34218771
>Reminder that there's an entire medical specialty around the butthole

>>34207234
>>34220050
not from the US

>>34219102
A story I heard had the E-7 tell him what he really needed was a PRC-E8, and send him up to the 1SG.

>>34221319
You're not going to find it by tapping the armor with a ball-peen hammer, anon.

>>34222323
Lowest bidder in the US is still higher quality than the highest in Russia.

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>>34222769
Like you would fucking know if there was or wasn't some secret percussion tapping technique used in the steel industry. (there isn't)

>>34222785
Yes, and nobody cares.

I feel like we're doomed as a society when a simple joke ("haha the government is inefficient!" really isn't high caliber stuff) is taken for face value, prompting the dumbest of people to reply to make sure that nobody misunderstands the VERY SERIOUS topic of military procurement.

>>34221319
American steel has very few defects. You can run a UT on steel to detect voids and delamitation, but you are very unlikely to find major faults.

>>34222942
It's less funny because the issue of shoddy Chinese steel versus US made steel comes up in srs bsns discussions more than as jokes nowadays, at least on certain red boards. It's sort of a touchy subject.

>>34222761
nice

>>34222942
why are people so retarded that they can't take screencaps with the posts aligned? you think it's cute to have shit all over the place, you retarded faggot?

>>34222978
It's mostly ledditors doing it for the iOS crowd since apparently pinch to zoom doesn't fucking exist there still.

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>>34222943
For fuck's sake... I included the part about China in the post you quoted. It's there for a reason. Like this situation is precisely why I made that crack about Chinese steel on Chinese tanks.

>>34222969
Yeah no shit, I happened to have had a couple of those discussions myself. That's why I brought it up anyway, because yes steel can have soft spots and yes a jet of high pressure fluid can absolutely cut a man's hand in half.

I can still laugh though.

>>34222978
I didn't take the screenshot you fucking mouth-breather, I didn't even name it 222 I just saved it as it was posted.

>>34221724
Gunnery Sergeant Martinez, apparently he just left OCS 2 months ago to prep for a return to Afghanistan.

>>34223980
figured it was him, yeah he left pushed his last class some time ago

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>>34210277

>>34205736
Topkek

>>34224365
hooyah man, he would roast people during drill and we would all snicker but he never put us on our faces

>>34206765
>>34206922
even at fucking MEPs they do penis inspections. You stand in a line with like 6 other guys and you all piss into a urinal while a closeted NCO watches

>>34225786
No they don't. You duck walk and spread your butthole for a medical doctor.

If an NCO took you into a bathroom and watched you pee I have news for you... (You were molested).

>>34206406
I went through basic before the Army was feminized and they used to kick the shit out of us in the 1970s kiddo. Now a days they have a list of words they can't say. We are fucking doomed.

>>34225822
>(You were molested).
You fucking pussy, bitches like you are the reason we have classes to learn how to think about tans feels. FUCK

>>34225917
Maybe you need some safety stand down you angsty little one. It was a joke. But there is no penis inspections in the military, it's a meme.

>>34206565
>flim flammery.
While flim flammery fits there I would have used ass-hattery.

>>34205032
Can confirm. Have watched R.Lee Ermey's entire filmography. Man was a master wordsmith.

>>34225419
I had GySgt. Hager he would just put us on our face

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>>34226177
>Man was a master wordsmith.

You know he just borrowed a good portion of his "improvised" Full Metal Jacket scene from An Officer and a Gentleman, right?

>>34203686
There's more holes in this story than in a swiss cheese wheel.

>>34225822
Its a drug test you fucking retard.

>>34197696
>Be inna desert in USA
>Combined Arms excersise
>in a rifle platoon, so im on the ground, in a foxhole we dug about 5 hours earlier
>its completely datk out, except the light of a waxing moon
>thats not much
>i'm on guard duty with another guy, and a bradley
>they have it just sitting there running, but it hasnt moved its tirret in a hot minute, i know those Cav fuckers are sleeping
>about 2 hours into my watch, me and other dude hear ristling in bushes
>we are spooked out, but we manage to raise our rifle, shakely
>a solid 5 minutes pass, i speak up
>"Hello? Whose there?"
>can hear chuckling
>fuck, i know its our PSgt. It has to be.
>still just laying there, just poping our heads over the berm to see, with our rifles at the ready
>hear something hit one of the guus in the foxhole
>"ow, what the fuck, dude?"
>PPPSSSSSFFFHHHHHHH
>hear from the bushes
>GAS GAS GAS
>fucking nigger
>scrambling to find my suit before its too late
>so is 2 other guys
>its just chaos
>like a 3 stooges routine, we're hitting our heads together, poking each others eyes, and slappi g each other just to get BIO suits

Cont.

>>34204271
What the fuck? I've been taking Allegra for years and haven't gotten persistent erections out of it.

>>34226300
>continues for a few seconds
>hear "YOU STUPID FUCKS ARE DEAS, LIE THE FUCK DOWN"
>Psgt walks up to the edge of the hole with his shit on and leabs over
>in a hazy mess we hear the hatch pop open on the bradley
>"hey, do you guys have any extra blank-"
>he stops mid sebtance to see a guy in a full BIO suit and cs gas all over
>he immidiatly starts coughing his lungs out
>a few seconds later everyone piles out of the tin can
>Sgt set one just putside of the hatch
>when he opened the hatch, the whole bradley filled up with gas
>the next foxhole over is dying laughing
>i cant see or smell anything for the next day
Fucking Platoon Sgt. Was always doing shit like this.

>>34206922
>I made sure to check his dick out multiple times to make sure I wasn't being rused.
riiiiight, you still got a boner though, right?

>>34226288
Which isn't a penis inspection you limp dicked faggot. They pay attention just enough to make sure you aren't using fake piss.

>>34226186
Oof, I'm sorry anon. I avoided him because I rolled to H (hence why I'm a skinny little white dude) so I lucked out

>>34202743
no godboard no hell

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>>34202687
>hats are misused both in stylistic and numerical terms

>>34226310
>allegra
>purple pill

anon, he took viagra by mistake

>>34227250
Viagra's blue. Cialis is yellow.

>>34226563
>el
>he thinks EL means NO
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, wait. Sorry.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAAJ

>>34222173
>Brig Gen Meow

>>34203686
Embarrassed that u typed this

>>34225822
Guess how we know you've never served in the US military

>>34206690
I remember even on swim team in the early 00s we play a game called gator. Start with one gator who is 'it,' rest of the team swims across the pool and if the gator tags them on top of the head while their head is above water they become a gator. With a highly competitive swim team shit got out of hand fast people ganging up to hold someone under water until they were forced to come up above the water...suprised no one was ever dragged out onto the deck for CPR

>>34210277
DONNIE SHUT THE FUCK UP

>>34197696
On the subway reading a book means, fuck off, I don't want to talk to you.
TWO books, means fuck off, I'm having a terrible day, and don't even want to deal with the hobos or niggas who STILL talk to someone reading a book.
> True story,
> some black dude on the trax with a book,
>flipping a page every 3 or 4 seconds, some >nigga sat down near him trying to start shit.
> mfw cant you see this dude is pretending to read here? rude motherfucker.

>>34228281
Nigga that's Sharks and Minnows

>>34202799
fuck, I have a good bud in 68W down in fort sill right now

>>34227474
colorblindness is more common than you think

>>34206922
>There was one dude that hair the most effeminate body I've ever seen back at basic, like no skin,
where do you live that has women with no skin?

>>34207758
Mulan got exposed by a battle, not simple marching
but yeah

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>>34229393
Have you ever seen a woman before? None of 'em have any skin. Just a bunch of exposed muscle and sinew.

>>34202799
>we're going to push Oklahoma to Texas

Holy fuck one of my DS's would say the same thing, I went to Fort Sill in Alpha 1-79. I swear to God you're talking about DS Chavez.

>>34229598
possessescervix here. what's it supposed to mean?

>>34206765
The doc at meps checks you out, including your butthole. He'd sure as shit notice the adjacent vagina and there is no way you're going to somehow modify the paperwork unnoticed between meps and 30th.

What's with all these fucking BS posts, summer?

>>34229629
Fucking what?

>>34229712
>thank you for your service
>thank you for your cervix
>i still have my cervix
>aka i've never given it away
>aka i've never served
pls listen closer when autism speaks

>>34229634
It's just people trying to fit in, but failing to.

>>34225938
So they don't check you for hernias anymore? Jesus they looked at every square in of our body when I went through. That kind of inspection must hurt babies feels these days.

>>34229629
>>34229712
>>34229722
This is some next-level cockney shit.

>>34207308
I was a navy nuke too.

Get ready to make a shit ton of money when you get out.

For the love of god too, don't take the reenlistment bonus. They'll offer $100,000+

Don't take it. Go commercial. I'm making $140,000 a year working with a contractor at the new SWPF at Savannah River Site.

>be on bagram inna stan
>massive fucking base
>going for run at night because nightwalker
>at very end of airfield
>nothing there but T-walls to the right and open airfield to the left
>it's like this for the next mile or so
>INCOMING IDF TAKE COVER
>stop and watch the led zepplin laser light show that is several phalanx canons trying to shoot down whatever akhmed decided to lob at the base this time
>neat.jpeg
>go back to running
>about two minutes later a humvee comes screaming down the road I'm on
>slows down and pulls up alongside me
>turret gunner starts screaming at me like there's gooks in the wire
>DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE INCOMING ALARMS
>Yep
>WHY ARENT YOU TAKING COVER
>Make an extravagatrd looking around motion
>What cover?
>Gunner kind of calms down realizes there's not shit around
>Well you need to find cover when you find it
>You got it chief
>keep running till I get back to our camp

People on Bagram acted like IDF was the end of the damn world. Half the time hadji couldn't even hit the base, which had a perimeter of over 8 miles.

>>34231739
IDF was the greatest killer of fobbits during the war, with ANA being a close 2nd followed by heatstroke.

>>34227602
>a spic criticizing somebody's lack of understand of Finnish

gottem monkey

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>Guard Field Artillery
>Tasked with driving chow in an lmtv
>Get pulled over by a O-5
>Asks for the keys to the vehicle
sir, uhhhh, there are no keys
>lectures me and my a driver on speed limits and shit
>he leaves frustrated
mfw chow arrives late and we get bitched at

>uneventful boot
>uneventful secondary education for less retarded servicemen
>uneventful deployment
>uneventful community college
>uneventful B.S. acquisition
>uneventful gubbmint job
>uneventful visits to VA
do you people seek out trouble or does it magically just seem to find you constantly

even my grandfather said his time in the army was uneventful outside of being forced to murder small animals on a regular basis, crushing baby chickens to death/crushing throats of lambs, etc.

>>34204248
You probably would have gotten more shit if you didn't own up to it immediately.

>grandfather
>ww2 army
>fighter pilot in france somewhere
quick aside he is old as shit and i dont really remember specifics about his stories
>bunch of forests
>kill what are most likely french nationals on a routine basis because they could be germans a la .webm of plane shooting a horse-drawn wagon, which apparently happened frequently
>following plane carrying something over france, get in skirmish with german planes
>make emergency landing in clearing
>see german plane make a more dire emergency landing nearby
>go over, german pilot is unconscious
>open hatch, stab him in throat, leave
grandpa said he technically commited dozens of warcrimes but nobody was ever punished, also that french people were really ugly and smelled like shit kek

>>34231892
>has literally no stories
Jesus, where you some admin mos and who spent all his free time alone in his room?

>Get wisdom teeth pulled on a Thursday morning
>Friday night rolls around
>friend hits me up
>hey anon want to go drinking
>nah man, I just got my wisdom teeth pulled and am taking pain meds like candy, I probably shouldn't drink
>but I can totally be the DD
>borrow one of the guy's car because mine is only two seats
>2 hours in my pain mess start to wear off
>I didn't bring anymore
>I am now the worlds angriest DD
>Spend the last hour of the night in absolute pain while my friends get shammered in the club
>get hit on by fat chick
>shut her down like she does salads
>finally the end of the night comes
>praise Jesus!
>now I just need to collect up the retards and get home to glorious pain meds
>Retard 1 is inconsolably depressed because his ex showed up at he club and told him to go fuck himself
>Retard 2 is running down the street taking off his shirt screaming the Ranger creed
>Retard 3 is throwing up his guts on the side of the club
>And retard 4 is actually not a retard and helping me herd the other retards towards the car
>finally get them all in the car
>only a 15 minute drive on the freeway home
>doing 70 windows down
>smell vomit from the backseat
>motherfucker
>Retard 3! Did you just vomit in backseat?
>Wasn't me man
>Bullshit! Retard 3!
>Retard 4 chimes in, yeah, it was me.
>But you were the chosen one.png
>pull up to gate
>haven't even stopped and guards are laughing there fucking asses off
>stop car, get out
>entire rear driver side is covered in vomit
>some of it even hit the rear window
>make it back to barracks
>give retard 1 his keys and wish him the best of luck
>take pain meds with a jack chaser
>finally peace

>>34232025
i remember a story now
>at local store that offers military discount for active duty
>woman comes in asking for discount
>clerk tells her its for active duty
>"my husband is active duty, that counts"
>they finally give her the 10% off because its not something you fight over
>she buys a single tennis ball
>go to pay for my shit
>clerk tells me her card said O8
moral of the story is that wives of the swingin' dicks at pendleton need tennis balls for their dogs too

>>34232069
ugh. that was not a funny story

>>34232025
>shut her down like she does salads
>>34232025

fucking savage

>>34197696
kid in basic wouldn't stop shitting his pants

>>34208794
I hated you in OSUT. I wanted to sleep but no you and fuck face would talk about something stupid.
Wasn't funny then not funny now.
Bet you were a chop too. Fucking everyone else over because your a lazy piece of shit.

Heard this from a buddy in the Georgia National Guard (I want to say 648th Maneuver Enhancement Brigade, but don't quote me)

>innatraining
>innaclassroom
>innatest
>"fuck this shit man, I've been playing with explosives all weekend, and now I'm bubbling in fucking circles on a scantron."
>sergeant on duty fucks off to wherever, platoon begins doing what enlisted all around the world do: talk shit
>Group topic moves to unarmed combatives, led by one Pvt. Fuckhead, who knows MMA and jiu jitsu and once met the guys who trained John Wick you know (no no really you gaiz)
>Predictably, nobody really gives a shit
>But this is a special day
>Pvt. Buddy is a nice guy, hates pissing people off, but he's put up with Pvt. Fuckhead for one weekend too many. He must rebel in the only way he knows how
>"Pvt. Fuckhead?"
>"Yeah, what?"
>"...I disagree..."
>...
>...
>Instantly desks are cleared away and money starts changing hands. Pvt. Fuckhead and buddy get thrown into the ring and go at it
>There's shouting, whooping, hollering as Pvt. Fuckhead and Buddy go toe to toe
>Suddenly, just as Pvt. Buddy's wriggled Pvt. Fuckhead into an armbar, he notices something's wrong
>Everybody else is piling into the bathroom as a set of bootsteps echoes down the hall.
>Sergeant on duty is back
>YOU TWO WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUCKING DOING WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY ELSE GODDAMNIT
>"Uh, I was just, uh, showing Pvt. Fuckhead here unarmed combatives, Sarn't."
>GET THE FUCK UP AND GET THIS FUCKING MESS ORGANIZED WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE ELSE
>"...I dunno Sarn't."
>Noise in the adjoining bathroom
>"I think they in the bathroom, Sarn't."
>Sergeant bootfucks the door open, Pvt. Buddy and Fuckhead following
>bathroom empty
>Except for about a dozen pairs of feet crammed into 3 stalls
>opens the door
>JESUS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU JACKASSES DOING IN THERE
>Six men sitting on one toilet with their earnings scramble for an excuse
>"WE WAS, UH, PEEING SARN'T MAAM."

>>34227474
>>34227250
Viagra's blue and fucking diamond shaped. Allegra is round/oblong.

You'd have to be an actual literal blind person or retard to mix them up, or just making up a bullshit story.

t. pharmacy technician.

>>34202718
>No ammo left
So how many soviets did he end in his meth fueled rampage?

>>34197696
best one yet
>i enlisted

>>34232735
I wondered the same thing.

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>>34204225
I don't care if that story is fake, it's one of my favorites of all time.

>>34206419
Idunnolol, I was referring to having women onboard

>>34197696

Not really funny but kinda weird.

Used to have a DS who used to shout Hello at random intervals. I think that it was a nervous tic thing after he got blown up in Iraq. It was pretty disconcerting to have him talking away and then sudden scream HELLO and then just continue on without any of the other DS's batting an eyelid. Poor bastard scared the shit out of a visiting Major when he let fly during a walk around.

>>34217210
On the Broad St Subway, AKA The African Queen..

>>34233333
Checked

>>34233333
Chickity czech'd.

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>>34233333
Checked my dude

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>>34232025
>shut her down like she does salads
Kekkles

>>34200391
i remember some finns edited it to say "hundreds exempted"

>>34207521
>joins a military stories thread
>complains about military terminology

Christ. I'm not even part of the military and I can recognise how stupid this is

>>34202819
>ywn be coastal guard conscript who starts a war with russia for aggressive over measuring :DDD

>>34233829
better to start the war with russia rather than russia starting the war with you

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>>34207308
>thats my girlfriend mam

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>>34232629
>>"WE WAS, UH, PEEING SARN'T MAAM."

>>34229598
No, I was in A 1-40th, but a DS told us that shit in reception.

>>34217148
Nonono...
People keep spreading rumors that anyone going through basic gets a stress card in case it gets too tough. This has been a thing since the 90s, when the Navy started issuing "feeling the blues" cards to recruits entering basic (or whatever they call it). These cards listed the options they had if they felt stressed out (i.e. chaplain), but some dumbasses tried to use them to make the navy DS back off when getting yelled at. It didn't work, the dumbasses got smoked, and the navy later dropped the card.

>>34233834
In Soviet Russia war starts itself.

>>34210113
I like this
it has a certain feel to it

>>34222448
we heard you like flashbacks, so we put flashbacks in your flahsbacks

>>34208039
Very good thread

>>34211752
Your brother was probably a shitbag and this was just the last straw in a long string of minor disciplinary infractions.

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>>34219102
I haven't done this in a while, but when I'm taking a newer kid out jobbing with me, I'll tell them all the tools we will need and that I'll meet them at the jet. They always have to make one or two trips back to ctk to get everything
>tell them to take the toolbox back because I need a lefty speed handle
>tell them to take it back because someone left all the ratchets "ON" and now they're dead
Some of the ones you've listed we use too, but these are the only other two I got off the top of my head.

>>34236659
nice. Ill have to remember the ratchet one

>>34203686
I don't even know what part of that story to ridicule. 9/10 if bait.

>>34207308
>joined at 24
>not too happy about being stuck in dorms.
>room inspections coming up
>buy anime style blowup doll.
>fixed in kneeling position
>No mouth hole though
>put shorts and tee shirt on it.
>place it legs spread on my PlayStation
>inspection arrives
>Airman Anon, what the fuck?
>sir, I'm trying to develop a gaming system that provides sexual release. Think about it, I'll get the Nobel peace prize for that shit.
>they tell me to clean my mirror and leave.

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There was a guy back in tech school at Sheppard who had 15 anime body pillows in his room. That's not an exaggeration, that's an accurate count for the time this story takes place, and I'll go on to say that by the time this individual left Sheppard AFB he had a grand total of 21 body pillows. Anyway

>be inna 365
>most autistic squadron on base
>someone with an officer's salary decides we need a health and wellness check
>read: contraband search in the dormitory
>everyone on day shift made to stand outside their room
>sergeants are going through each room one by one up and down both sides of the hallway
>an unsuspecting master sergeant, one of the instructors from the schoolhouse, gets to airman weaboo's room
>"Sir, you're gonna wanna brace yourself for what's in there"
>"Why, you gotta gun in there or something?" the Sergeant replied in a joking semi sarcastic tone
>Sarge walks in and comes out about 45 seconds later with a look of utter disbelief on his face
>"Hey Sergeant Suchandsuch, you gotta come see this shit."

What followed was every single Sergeant doing inspections on our floor filing down to that airman's room for a look into the face of total and utter loneliness. It was pretty great seeing all their varied reactions to airman weeb's particular interests.
Oh and all the pillows were Lolis

>>34226220
Where he was the advisor to LGjr.

>>34237842
I feel like I'd want to do that minus the loli bit even though I don't even really watch anime just to be "that guy"

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>>34207308
do people even buy blow up dolls for anything but novelty?

I get buying a daki, and honestly kinda want one, and I get buying a RealDoll or something, and if I had the money I might just for the hell of it, but blow up dolls are either just creepy, or ugly, so, I really don't get it

>be 12b pvt at fort lost in the woods for ait
>Tuesday new linens day
>DS: go up stairs in fifteen minutes im checking bunks
>grab shit run up stairs to make bunks and fix bay
>put sheets on put first blanket on start to unfold second blanket for dust cover
>dafq
>blanket is crusty and stuck together its everywhere its the cum blanket
>oh shit
>running out of time make bed with non-cummy blankets
>Every one standing at attention at end of bunks stand there showing my blankets cummynes to the world
>DS comes in sees me
>DS: dafq is this
> me its got a crusty substance on it
> DS starts looking at it, feeling it, and finally smelling it.
>whole bay cracking up
>DS: cum has a very specific smell
>me:yes DS
what I learned in basic:cum has a very specific smell

>>34237651
Months later
>another inspection
>put poster board on a wall
>hang about 30 pictures of attractive women
>name's written under each photo
>put red X through half of the photos
>was at medical appointment when inspection happened
>return to find inspection checklist on my bed
>clean your mirror
>see 1st Sergeant

>have to convince my 1st Sergeant I'm not a serial killer
>I'm shopping for a mail order bride sir, those were the candidates.

>>34238283
Relic of the 60s and continued novelty value?

I got one.

>Be in OCS
>STX lanes
>People are dragging ass
>Cadre notices and calls the Company Commander
>CC comes out and tells us the "available" branches
>Names a shit ton of combat jobs
>Very few cushy jobs (MI, Quatermaster, etc)
>Most of the guys shrug it off
>All the females start losing their shit
>Lesbians and all immediately find Jesus and talk to the pastor while reading the New Testament
>One carpet muncher says, "I'm gonna get raped if I go infantry!"

The list of branches was bullshit, but I was funny seeing all the girls pull out their God card so suddenly.

>>34232629
>sarn't

why do army fags talk so gay

>>34240845
Because they fuck your moms ass.

>>34240649
>The list of branches was bullshit, but I was funny seeing all the girls pull out their God card so suddenly.
Don't understand the significance of pulling out the God card but women are the same the world over anon. They just aren't military ready.

>>34240909
The majority were lesbians.

>>34240845
STFU noserve. Marine prior 0311 and we say it the same as Army. It's hard to even spell how, but it's tradition. Seerjent. Or yes sargnt.

Not sure I can spell how it's said, but we have a lazy way of saying Sgt, and it's not only welcome but expected.

>>34240926
I get that but what does playing the god card do for them?

I wish I had the energy to write how the disaster of an exercise I just had was. Instead I'm going to drink my coffee and take 3 aleve.

>>34241017
They were hoping to not go infantry or anything else that forced them to go to Ranger school.

So like every other human they pray to God for help, even though they all were staunch atheists.

>>34241089
>>34241089
FIST?

>>34241157
I was in Wainwright Alberta for 3 months. Someone got crushed by a LAV, it didn't stop raining and the officers I work for are fucking useless. I rather work for a Tupperware container.

>>34231739
Christ bagram. I was just there a month ago. Led zepplin light show is a pretty funny but totally accurate description.

>>34241464
Do women there still wear pink reflective belts to signal they're "for hire"?

>>34241888
Nigga, what? When did they do that kinda shit?

>>34203794

>Not making plan so stupid and elaborate that your instructors somehow don't find out

What did you even do during basic then?

>>34204170

I remember having to watch the class leader get solely punished.

>Training exercise in the woods
>Callout out for gear inspection in the middle of a stretch of sand, about 100x100m
>"Every time someone misses a single item, class leader has to crawl to the end and back"

This was hour first ever training exercise, we'd received our gear about a week earlier. Needless to say I've watched that dude do a lot of crawling.

>>34242849
>This was hour first ever training exercise
>This was hour
>hour
Ask me how I know you're a jarhead

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>be grandfather
>during height of Cold War
>be American contractor that installs, fixes, and maintains ship computers, namely navigation
>be assigned to new British ship to help make sure the electronics work properly
>make friends with British officers over the weeks
>finally docking into port, get to go home
>talking with officer buddy as the ship stars to drift into port
>be at stern
>suddenly British officer looks up
>goes pale white
>yells at you to hold on for your "goddamned bloody life"
>they're approaching the dock
>at about 15 knots
>apparently someone on the bridge forgot you have to slow down to dock
>or the electronics fucked up
>lived in California, been through several earthquakes
>never felt and heard such a tremendous shock and ear splitting noise in entire life
>well I didn't expect to die like this
>finally the world stops exploding
>I'm alive
>go have dinner with the officers
>nobody says a word
>later find out the port had 3 great big steel beams protecting the fuel line of the base
>ship sheared through 2 of them and half of the third
>grandfather's face the entire time

Not sure if that would have just cut the fuel for the base or caused an explosion, but I'm certainly glad he never found out.

>>34207757
are you in 33 brigade?

>>34237651
>Airman

You said it yourself anon; next year once I turn 21 I'll be enlisting in the chairforce is it really true that they are just a bunch of spergs?

>>34243729
Yes.
And weebs.

>>34243804
I will fit right in.

>>34237842
what happened after that?
what happened to the body pillows?
what happened to the airman?

tell me

>>34210277
Shots fired.

>>34197696
i have seen a friend of mine fucking a goat on my second trip to afghanistan.

>>34237842
>austria military basic training
>one of my roommates keeps a full sized plush tiger with special placed hole in its crotch area under his bed at all times.
>room inspection
>"private anon get rid of private perverts fuckbuddy"
>noone willing to touch it, therefore it stays.
>we all have to attend to special training 1 hour early for 3 weeks

the worst part was when he used it.
that grinding sound of plush filling against condom.

>>34203959

C-1/13?