Dumb Military stories

>>34124852
signing the contract

>>34124852
Pvt. Macaffe,

Pretty sure he made me racist to. A true double nigger.

>>34124852

Your question is far too broad. To try and think of the single most significant experience would be difficult.

You should just ask for stories in general.

I had some "blue on blue" one time, from some muhreens. Dude lost a finger over it. Not the worst that could have happened, obviously. I don't know why the fuck they were shooting at is...it was daylight. We were a patrol and clearly US mil...

>>34124852
>expected Senior officers to uphold standards in the face of complaining women/minorities
fucking spineless fucksticks

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>>34124852

Guy with a clearance breaking into a japanese love hotel to creep on couples fucking then getting caught.

Guy getting piss drunk off post wanders back on base in the wee hours of the morning and starts humping the glass of the Class Six.

Painting rocks.

Mopping(not sweeping cause thatd actually make sense. mopping just makes more dust stick to ground) concrete floor of large dusty warehouse.

Driving around jap DV's on base, they see the flags at half mast and ask why. It's Dec 7th.
>MFW I turn around to tell them.

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>>34125897

Ooh heres another one, guy who was my supervisor at the time thought it would be a good idea to VPN back to his home comp on a mil network just so he could play WOW.

Also the guy humping the class six had his trousers down, was fully erect, and there was a sign behind the window that said "ATM's coming soon"

I've got tons.

>>34125897
>It's Dec 7th
Oh shit lol. Well they did ask.

MEPS Brooklyn deleted my middle name. Legally.

The typist there was under the impression that middle names remained abbreviated on the contract and the entire command staff thought this was entirely normal.

How many middle names have been lost to the incompetence of MEPS?

>>34125941

yup. They did get a bit embarrassed, but I managed to reassure them it was all in the past.

Lets see, got another one, this time from deployment. So with army over in Baghdad, super bowl time. Command sends over 2 crates of beer so people could enjoy "2" beers while watching. super bowls over, still about 4 cases left over. Spend the entire night pounding back back beers with the shirt and SgtMaj. Got caught by some asshole staff sgt while stumbling back to chu. Thank god I had top cover otherwise prolly would have gotten an arty 15.

>be me, two and a half years into my contract and recently PCSd to my second base
>drove there myself so I filled out a travel voucher to collect that sweet $3,000
>'sir, there's a problem here. We have no record of you in our system'
>wat.gif
>apparently some idiot personellist fucked up in basic training and never filed a travel voucher when I left. The other two bases that I went to never noticed this, and my pay was fucked up as a result, unbeknownst to me
>they wanted me to pay them around $4,000 in backpay. I told them to fuck off and called my first sergeant
>after a heated discussion, it was decided that since there was no official record in Finances system that I was ever actually at these locations, so I didn't have to pay in the end

Bounus for y'all: the guy who I was dealing with ended up getting busted for CP.
Fuck finance.

>>34125953
Haha. I know a guy who got his first/middle name switched when he joined (early 80's). So that still his legal name.

>>34125969
The shirt? Are you an AF fgt?

>>34126125
I swear all admin does is fuck things up. Never have I received orders somewhere and thought to myself, "Well that went off without a hitch."

On my first deployment, had a female SFC who went on mid tour leave and didn't come back for 7 months get a bronze star because she pulled the "you're not giving me the award because I'm...(you know).' Even when she was in country, she never left the FOB, was part of S3 but never showed up to work and accomplished none of her assigned tasks, ever. Things like this are an all too common occurrence in the military.

>>34126154
It's worse in the National Guard. Almost every single admin person who is AGR (full time, benefits and all) is an attractive female who is completely useless at their job. I swear the AGR hiring boards consist of nothing more than rating females on a x/10 scale.

>>34126161
>you're not giving me the award because I'm...(you know).
what? female? black? a dyke? was she legit AWOL, or was she accounted for the whole 7 months, meaning she was reporting in to the Rear -D commander?

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>>34124852
>Be swissfag
>Have to do the mandatory service
>Be a Medic APC driver (pic related)
>Some of my comrade are hungry after a driving exercice
>See them driving away with one of the APC
>To the McDonald's they are going
>Try to go to the drive
>Don't see it, but the drive "roof" is too low
>Completely wreck it, along with the antenna of the APC
>Have to pay for the repay
>Life's ruined
>Thx Swiss Army

>get job as company armorer
>spend 14 months dealing with retarded Infantrymen fucking up their weapons because unauthorized maint
>don't have to go to the field because part of company supply, just have to run chow out, so I don't care
>getting short, remind chain of command I need a replacement
>train replacement and ETS
>about 30 days after I get out, call up wanting to know where my ETS award is so I can wear it because I'm in the Reserves now
>talking with company clerk, asking how everyone is, ask to talk to the company armorer
>clerk gets all evasive, then says "he's not here anymore"
>whut? why?
>I'm not supposed to talk about it.
found out he had ordered a BUNCH of SARP and was selling it, and the worst part? His wife narced on him.

>>34126188
Look how this swissfag blames his nation because he is retarded
>Europe, everybody

>first krav maga class
>infantry captain giving a demonstration on disarming an opponent
>pulls a recruit from the crowd
>unholsters his pistol, hands it to the recruit, who immediately points it at the cpt
>cpt disarms the recruit, sweeping the entire company in the process
>no one even bats an eye
extra bit:
>sweeping isn't even mentioned in the army's firearm safety rules
such is life in the tropics, man
hard mode: guess the army

>>34126276
Toga?

>>34126276
Venezuela

>>34125652
do units not know where other units are when operating in close vicinity?
i'm guessing radio comms would mitigate the possibility of friendly fire, no?
i'm curious

>>34125911
>that pic
occulus rift

>>34126276
Thailand

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>>34125897
>they see the flags at half mast and ask why. It's Dec 7th

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>>34126261
It was ironic, I did love my service and I like my nation (when they don't bend over for EU, that is...)

>>34126398
>9gag
neck yourself Templar

>>34124852
>Inb4 Isaac the Mong wins the thread again

The stories are great, bug my sides need to come back from Low Earth Orbit

>>34126398
It's fine, swiss people and Switzerland look pretty cool from over the pond, probably my favorite European nation, you little trooper c:

>>34126417
>Isaac the Mong
oh man....I read those when they were posted.You have to wonder how someone so boarder line retarded could function and get into the Army.

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>>34126412
Literally typed "swiss military chocolate" on Google, didn't look really
Sorry to have hurt your feelings

>>34126427
We may cool, for now.
But with this new European law that have passed, we are going to be some major cucks
>Not even in EU
>Accepting this law

>>34126482
why is the mag taped to the rifle.

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>marine infantry, camp horno
>Walk to PX in civvies on my day off
>Put cigarette out and throw in the trash can
>Go to buy a 12 pack, my BN Sgt Major is in cooler section getting a Gatorade or some shit
>He looks at me so I give him a greeting of the day "rah Sgt maj"
>He sees me grab beer, just tells me to enjoy myself we have a rough week coming up
>We both go to check out line, different isles
>Halfway through getting rung up I hear my Sgt major yell "oh shit! That trashcan is on fire!"
>Girl ringing me up continues
>I walk out of PX with a 12 pack as my BN Sgt Major is attempting to put out my accidental trash can fire

>>34124852
A guy in my Platoon during OSUT im pretty sure was completely retarded. Lets call him Pvt G.
Pvt G spoke in a voice similar to that of a muppet with no vocal change. He was exceptional at PT, but was horrible at everything else. He only shot 25 out of 40 on qual. Had numerous safety violations with his rifle. could not set up his own gear and did not know how to make his bed on the second week. He also asked one time how to wear a towel around his waist going into the shower. He did graduate and went to airborne school where I believe he was kicked out for making threats online to shoot up the bay.

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>>34126498
It shows that the rifle is not loaded

>>34126517
you fucking retard. go eat some crayons.
>from le US Army Infantry who has seen as much stupid shit.

>>34126482
You guys should pick up that rock and scoot on over here

>>34126536
So go eat a dick you 11b. I've done and seen stupider, that was just an example.

>be me
>noshitthereiwas, Afghanistan, 2012
>QRF
>QRF shack is your typical B-hut made of wood
>SPC dumbfuck is on cleaning duty
>SPC dumbfuck has to mop the floors
Why we even mop wood plywood floors anyway idk...but whatever it's not the dumbest thing the army does
>SPC dumbfuck is too fat and lazy and stupid to go to the spicket 50 yards away to fill the mop bucket
>SPC dumbfuck grabs brown can from a nearby MRAP
Disclaimer: brown cans will either contain water, or desire fuel.... they look the same except one has JP8 clearly marked on the can.
>SPC dumbfuck empties can of diesel fuel into the mop bucket
>somehow doesn't notice the slightly different color / overwhelming fuelish smell that quiet literally slaps you in the face
>adds soap
>proceeds to mop the floor with fuel+soap
>I cone back off mission, return to QRF shack
>everyone standing outside
>SPC dumbfuck doing endless flutterkicks
>post fire department rolls up
>quarantines our QRF shack
The fuel seeped in the wood and it smelled like that shit for fucking ever

SPC Dumbfuck is a habitual dumbfuck and I have another story if him that is also fucking retarded.

Cont.?...

>>34124990
FPBP

>armor officer basic
>2lt "holy shit how do I keep my eyes open"
>precedes to shoot 7/40
>shoots 12/40
>4/40
>recycled to next class because he couldn't shoot
>magically passes with minimum score.

That guy is being looked at for cpt right now.... scary times

>>34126566
>spigot
>quite
Just helping you out buddy


But continue

>>34126171
Holy fuck anon, I never noticed that.

>>34126602
On a phone at work. My bad

>on truck with a couple other platoons, staff Sgts and Sgt Major
>being driven back to base from a field exercise
>Everyone is fucking exhausted
>Sgt Major decides to lighten the mood by getting the personnel to tell some jokes
>every joke gets a good laugh so far
>one guy turns to me
>"anon, why don't you tell a joke!"
>sure why not
>[muffled churning of spaghetti]
>forget i'm not supposed to be an edgy cunt in real life
>"how many jews can you fit into a car?"
>"2 in front, 3 in the back and 6 million in the ashtray haha"
>dead fucking silence
>maximum spaghetti achieved
>remain silent for the rest of the drive
tip: not US army so i didn't get a disciplinary action for anti-semitism

>>34126517

And that is why you always field strip yer butts. Flick the cherry. Stomp the red head.

>>34126566
>pre-deployment training, Camp Shelby
>SPC dumbfuck strikes again
>platoons going to crew serve range
>SPC dumbfuck has one task
>SPC dumbfuck must bring squirt bottle of CLP to the range for everyone because the people already there fucking forgot their own
>SPC dumbfuck : easy...can'tfuckthisup.jpeg
>SPC dumbfuck grabs bottle then leaves on truck to range
Later that day.....
>gunners firing 240s
>everything going swell
>listening to sweet, satisfying sound of machine guns a boomin'
>hear one 240 malfunctioning
>240 : "thump thump thump thump thump thump ....thump ....thump.......thump..................thump................thump....................................................thump............clack!"
>thefuck.gif
>more 240s do this
>240s dropping like flies
>ThatOneKnowItAllGuyRangeSafety says, "don't worry everyone some jackass just did the headspace and timing wrong"
>open feed trays
>240s literally crystallized
>looks like the parts inside were welded together with rock candy
>"smells like burnt......."
Pinesol
SPC dumbfuck ruined 5 m240B's with fucking pinesol.

>>34126554
the overall retardation of lance coolguys and E4 mafia could fill multiple novels

>>34126612
German army

>>34126693
lmao gott im himmel
no, guatemalan army
same as >>34126276

>>34126517
>Put cigarette out and throw in the trash can
What the fuck did you expect would happen you fucking mongoloid

>>34126417
Nah, I wont repost any Isaac. Takes too long to type that shit out anyway. To this day we still call faffing about with your weapon an Isaac though, maybe it sticks.

>>34125911
>>34126333
Holy fuck is the guy behind him holding a clacker?

>>34127327

yup

>>34125897
DVs are the fucking worst. I had a General start yelling at me wondering why I didn't carry around lime flavored sparkling water for him

Another time we had to clear out all the weeds in the parking lot in front of our building because the CSAF was visiting. The only problem was we didn't have any weedwhacking tools, so we had to sit in the hot sun picking them out with screwdrivers. He didn't come anywhere near our building

>>34127806

Funny thing is most DV's were pretty chill, only real asshole I ever had to deal with was a LtCol of all things, and most ppl i'd be drivin around were far more important than him.

NDs, people muzzle sweeping with live weapons, friendly fire, that sort of shit.

Probably the stupidest was people going into a combat situation with no medical supplies. Not even a bandage.

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>mass punishment by field daying for five days straight because a bunch of people got in trouble
>officers got us so lost we were in an all day convoy
>doing nothing all day then word is Armory at 1600
>cleaning the well deck for three days straight in 130 degree heat
>while field LARPing the mrotars PC dual wielded pistols and charged an OpFor MG by himself, boot had to fireman carry him while getting yelled at for not knowing his nine line
>guy got caught smuggling coke and illegals across the US/Mexico border
>kiss asses who couldn't tell you the effective ranges of a 240 get promoted
>two guys get in trouble in port, everyone's liberty secured
>people got page 11s for falling out of runs but our 1stSgt fell out of a hike and didn't get shit
>a few deserters (not UA, actual desertion)
>giving a mouse a ride on a 155mm round shot from a Howitzer
>people getting NAMs for doing their job
>people getting NAMs for other people doing their jobs for them
>Captain bought hookers in port multiple times/caught every time, no legal action whatsoever, my buddy gets NJPed for coming back late
>met FOs that couldn't shoot an azimuth
>had a guy in our unit that UNQed every single time he shot
>a mechanic got pulled over on base for speeding while drunk, high, holding coke and molly
>multiple suicide attempts in our barracks
>people constantly getting arrested over stupid shit (including a BC and SgtMaj we had, different instances)
>a bunch of other shit I can't remember
>mfw my entire enlistment

Boot camp was more enjoyable than my chain of command a lot of the time.

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>>34124852
Guy shit himself in a field op. He ripped massive ass in the middle of the night and sprang right outta bed and said aloud "fuck I think I shit myself...oh well" goes back to fucking bed. I didn't think shit about it until the next day when people were avoiding him. Walked around with dry shit all day. I feel bad for the fucks that showered with and after him.

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>>34124852
>Guy points a gun at me as a joke
>Tell him to fuck off and turn it somewhere else
>Tells me i shouldn't worry since its not loaded
>Shoots upwards to prove it
>Gun fires
>Both of us turn pale
>mfw

Tell me some barracks inspection stories anon

>>34125953
I got enlisted in the wrong mother fucking branch dude. Of course, if I wanted to I could have just not signed because it was obvious there was a mistake on the contract and when i gor sent to the wrong detailer, but it had been 2 days of sitting around and I just didn't care

>>34128214
Where did you want to go and where did you end up going?

>>34127925
2T1?

>>34128161

CCMSgt of the base decides to do dorm inspections. Normally when you knock you wait for a reply like 2-3 seconds before opening. Not with this guy. BANG BANG open. At least 4 guys were caught with their pants down jacking it.

>>34128228

nah, just got "volunteered" alot cause didn't have much else to do in my job cept browse net and jerkoff.

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>This thread

>>34128251
cookie game?

>>34128269
The military

>>34128306

no I mean individually. just guys jacking it in the privacy of their rooms when suddenly they have an E-9 with a star in the center all up in their shit.

>at ROTC version of basic training (month long leadership evaluation and basic combat skills training)
>In a simulated deployment portion of the eval
>We were in a FOB (forward operating base) built in backwoods in a southern state
>We were required to keep a rubber duck (fake, hard rubber and plastic M4) on us at all times
>Porta potties were the only option to use the bathroom
>People in my Flight go to use them for the first time
>"Man, those porta potties aren't bad, they even have a thing to hold our rifles for us!"
>Training officer: "wut"
>They're normal porta potties, there is no rifle holder
>Training Officer asks them to show him the "rifle holders"
>They point to the urinal on the left wall of the porta pottie
>They get yelled at and have to disinfect their rifles
>Every time someone in my flight freaked out, we say "don't get pissy at us"

I don't know if that's a "you had to be there" story, but it was the first one I thought of

>>34128413
>ROTC version of basic
Haha oh a basic camp story from a fellow ROTCfag
>southern state
Fucking Knox, of course
>porta-potties
That's not right... We used slit trenches at most
>Flight
Kek Air Force

>>34128313
Society in general

>>34128269
is the finnish army really a shitposting irl fest?

>>34128116
Where was this? Sounds hilarious

>>34126517
>disposing of cigarette in trash can
This is the ND of smoking. I hope you don't have kids or live in an apartment building so that when you inevitably burn down your home one day by falling asleep with a lit cig only you will die.

>>34128269
Y'know, it's always thought conscription brings about the dumbest and most worthless motherfuckers into service, but when you actively drive to let the dumbest dipshits sign themselves up in advance before they're 18, you get the recruits you deserve.

American GIs, and especially Muhreens, aren't really that far from the average cut of Spurdo Spärde doing his mandatory service.

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>>34128413
>>"Man, those porta potties aren't bad, they even have a thing to hold our rifles for us!"

>>34126188
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cq433Kc5vlo
>search swiss army videos on youtube
>find link related
and people say the finnish army is crazy

>>34129541
>guy taking a bath in the steam kettle
switzerland what the fuck

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>>34124852

>>34124852
>be me
>be afg 2013
>adviser to ANA
>bored af and hate life
>have severe chewing tobacco habit
>like a couple tins a week
>afghan offers me afghan chewing tobacco
>think, eh, whatever, probably pussy shit
>take a big ol lippper and put that shit under my tongue, apparently that's what youre supposed to do
>world starts to go out of focus
>feel hot flash like a menopausal woman
>every mucus membrane in my body release its contents at once
>looking like I just stepped out of the gas chamber
>I haven't tried my hardest to hold onto my composure since that time my my buddies made me down 4 shots of everclear
>play it off like "nah I'm cool bro"
>inside, shh, no dreams, only tears now
>decide that I can't afford to look like a bitch in front of these boy fuckers or my man card will forever be revoked
>by a merciful god, we rtb and say goodbye to our afg's for the day
>as soon as get inside the wire, SPRINT to the head and evacuate all the contents of my bowels
>come down and have a headache for days
>hear later that the lace that shit with all kinds of things
and that's the time i probably took heroine

>>34129598
Groovy.

>>34126449
I never got to see them, pics?

>>34129541
>Schwizerdütch
Not even once

>>34129598
>world starts to go out of focus
>hot flush
>every mucus membrane released all at once
>gotta shit everything out

sounds like some rough opioid

>father is USAF
>in some USAF building or other
>sees sign
>it says "OBEY THIS SIGN"
>hfw

>father is on hiking trail on military base
>sees sign by a tree
>sign says "YOU HAVE NOW COMPLETED PROBLEM 6"
>hfw

>>34129598

Its kalled Khat.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khat

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What an ebin thread

I was at the bathroom stalls taking a very big healthy shit along with extreme diarrhoea and it felt so fucking good and it was even better just sitting on the toilet and letting the smell fumigate and fill up the stall that I am in and around the stalls close by.

Until the stupid automatic toilet flusher wrnt off when I adjusted my seat and it flushed all my shit away and the smell was no longer there and I was all out of shit to shit out and it pissed me off so fucking much!

Why the fuck do we have these stupid automatic flushers all over the place!?

>>34124852
Junior Officers

>>34126188
Wait wait wait, did *you* have to pay for it even though they fucked up?

I would routinely fuck their faces in the middle of the night if that happened to me until we were all old men.

>be in RCAC
>At camp
>Guys in the tent next to mine decide that the literal 10 second walk to the fully functional with plumbing is 30 seconds too long
>They start to piss out the back of the tent
>FYI the tent was on the outskirts of the main area and next to the FUCKING ROAD
>The road was also the main entrance to the base
>After doing this for about a half week the grass started to go yellow
>They then got caught by some officer
>Officer didn't see their faces but knows what courses are in what tents
That was 5 hours of "stop pissing outside of your tents, fuckfaces"
That was

>>34126693
They would've jailed him, kicked him out afterwards and renamed the base.

>>34128225
I wanted to go army. I ended up Navy. I didn't raise too much of a fuss because they Navy detailer really sold me on the Navy equivilant to the mos I was going for, electronics technician. Navy seemed a better way to go in the end anyway, but I was pretty pissed

>>34128413
>at ROTC version of basic training (month long leadership evaluation and basic combat skills training)

You mean Field Training?

>>34130288
It's called something else now

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>>34128780
:DDD

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>>34128780

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>>34128780
and lastly

>>34124852
https://www.google.com/amp/detroit.cbslocal.com/2015/09/30/man-uses-raccoon-to-start-breathalyzer-equipped-car-raccoon-then-attacks-driver/amp/

>>34128269
i love conscription
>Be me
>be Belarus
>be conscript
>on base on polish border
>get told by sargeant to clean base commanders office (he was a general and happened to be off base for the day)
>base commander has 7 officers caps on display on mannaquin heads
>i decided while vaccuming to put all of them on at onnce
>toweringpillarofhats.jpeg
>suddenly Colonel walks in
>hes staring at me with great lifless eyes
>walks over and takes them off my head and puts them on himself
>he leaves me standing their confused
he ended up walking around the base doing barracks inspections while wearing them. best day ever

>>34124852
>serving as PSD to some ranking NG IA MITT
>most of them don't have a clue
>my escort platoon takes over training the IA
>NG CO just drinks chai w/ IA CO all day
>while we try to train their retards
>idiots start jumping through out hoops (they get it)
>week or so after one class, hear a butt-load of fire at nearby IA CP
>get word that our former IA platoon is in contact
The stupid part.
>we waste damn near 10 minutes for NG CO to plot a four-digit grid.
>FOUR DIGIT GRID
>every one of our guys didn't need a FOUR DIGIT GRID to know where to go
>take no more than two pot-shots on approach
>NG CO basically goes "Broken Arrow!"
>suddenly have a B-2 on standby for ordinance

Never before have I seen, or expect to see, such retardation again. Our internal Officer Corps, within our brigade was largely fucking retarded.

Nearly forgot.
>LN vehicle approaches
>fire warning shots per SOP/EOF
>NG CO makes us go over, and ask why he made us shoot at him

Another NG unit ND'd at one of my fellow units bradleys with 40mm.

Honestly hate weekend soldiers.

>>34130607
I vaguely remember another ND story on /k/ that involved a Leopard 2.

>Have obese nigger supervisor
>Obese nigger supervisor is into katanas, obscure ninja weapons, and martial arts
>Thinks it's possible to throw a dagger and kill someone from a distance with it before they can draw a concealed weapon
>Wants to buy a Ruger LCP so he can "conceal it in his sleeve."
>Thinks hushpuppy bread rolls were invented by black slaves trying to escape plantations by poisoning farmers and their dogs
>Has openly stated he hopes a mass gun confiscation happens so people he doesn't think are trustworthy can own them
>"You do realize that if you tried mass confiscation you would be fired upon as soon as you pulled up?"
>"And that's why I shoot them with MY gun! Duh!"
>"Now I have all these sweet guns for myself, and they don't. See?" (Exact quote)
>When I have a disgusted look on my face from him advocating outright mass murder and tyranny, get told to stop looking grumpy or I'd be written up for displaying signs of depression and emotional instability

Fuck that coon. He's out for a month for a hip surgery and I hope he drops his painkillers and they roll under a dresser or table where he can't bend down to reach them.

>>34130796
Don't NCOs and officers have to maintain PT scores? How do you get that fat?

>>34130607
>implying you would not have a b-2 on standby the moment an NG unit comes under any fire.

>>34130819

PT waiver for the hip being fucked up, not doing PT for 4 years but still eating like a fucking slob.

>>34126688
What in the fuck

>>34129598

Heroin/opium wouldnt make you shit everything out; it would make you not shit for days then agonizingly squeeze out a rock hard turd.

probably got khat.

>>34130819

>>34130939 This basically. My old supervisor was constantly on a running and no lifting profile. Never had to PT with us and got to take her PT test with only the tape test and sit-ups, and if I remember correctly failed on of those two things on one test. So they're out there anon, shitbags are everywhere.

>>34124852
>New E2 gets drunk
>GF leaves him
>fucks up barracks room, stabbed his bayonet through the freezer of his small fridge, only think not destroyed was an acoustic guitar, the most smashable thing ever made
>goes to our building (UAV so we had our own trucks separate from the motor pool)
>on our security camera he drives up to the locked gate in a 2 seater
>backs up out of frame
>launches into the gate
>the fence opens but the metal contacts the inside of the headlights when they break and shorts the humvees whole shit
>he parks it in the barracks parking lot a block away and goes AWOL for like 6 weeks, find out after he came back rode the rails like a hobo to Florida

that dude pulled so much shit. He's out now I have no doubt he'll go to jail before he's 30

>>34131206
forgot to mention that monday we were going to our flight line and the truck he picked had EVERY fuel can we had for the truck and gennies, we did the math and with a conservative MPG he could have driven to mexico from Campbell if he hadn't fucked the lights

>>34126589
one of the LTs in my EOD class had a degree in Chinese history. it was then i realized how shit army is

Had a couple of rednecks run the gate early one morning at Barksdale AFB sometime in 2012 or maybe early 2013. SF was chasing them with a Humvee with a either a .50 or M240 mounted on top. They're lucky they got stopped before the gunner opened fire. Why they weren't shot right as they ran the gate is puzzling to me, would have liked to have been called out to that alert call.

>>34129699
I thought opioids make you constipated. Sorry I don't know a lot about drugs.

>>34130127
Well, seeing as how he's the assigned ambulance driver I imagine it is HIS responsibility that no one should even sit on the driver's seat but him, his buddies taking it out for a joyride is his fault in the first place

>>34126225
SARP?

>>34127327
>Holy fuck is the guy behind him holding a clacker?
Something tells me that they're Australian.

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>>34130486
>>34130575
Pic related.

>>34130655
I fuckin' hope somebody capped that because it sounds funny as fuck. Also tragic. I want to believe it went the funny way with some foreign CO borking angrily and literally beating the piss out of a retard.

>>34130191
Cold Lake survival?

>>34131465
Sexual Assault Response Program?

Be sure to turn those red dots into green dots everyone

>>34130575
>he ended up walking around the base doing barracks inspections while wearing them
Probably daring anyone to laugh at him.

>>34125652
>>34126316
marines have been known to explicitly fire on friendly units from other branches because "muh muhreen stronk"

>>34126520
D/150?

>>34127327
>INERT

Have a few BMT stories about a dude name steifer. This one in particular is quite short but would set a precedent throughout BMT.
>steifer is your typical tall, nerdy ginger, and likely some kind of autistic
>like for real, not even throwing that around thatboyjustaintright.jpg
>first PT test, on the track
>running, a few laps in steifer fucking faceplants
>like drops dead, no slowing down and stopping just one minute he was running(albeit poorly before that) and the next he is face first on the ground
>a few of us try to help him up, quickly shouted at by MTIs to keep fucking running
>IDMTs come over, check him out and it feels like it takes them forever to wake him up
>we thought he was dead but they eventually get him up and cart him away
>he ends up needing to go to BAMC to get checked out
>he comes back about a day or two later
>turns out he has cardiac arrhythmia
To this day I still don't know how he got past all the screening with that kind of issue. Then again, I'm also not all that surprised. Great start to begin BMT with though, he was the source of many beatings we took.

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I dont have an stories because the military wouldnt let me in because I have aspergers :(

>>34131797
Don't be sad Anon. If it's any consolation, it sounds like with some of these stories, you'd fit in I'm sure.

>>34131797
I swear to god some of the dudes I know ACTUALLY have aspergers

Like real bad

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>>34128413
Oh fuck, reminds me of a story from my ROTC basic
>Returning to patrol base after day of STX lanes
>Drill Sgts. give us 10 minutes before chow for piss break
>Walk over to row of portajohns
>2nd Lt. there yelling at some dumb shit cadet while pouring purell into his hands
>Looks over to us and loudly asks if we knew there was a sink in the portajohns
>utterconfusion.png
>Proceeds to tell us that Cadet Dipshit was using the urinal in the portajohn as a sink
>Laugh about it for rest of camp

>>34131797
Try the airforce.

>>34131903
dude in BCT on the day we got issued camelbacks used his as a porta latrine. DS saw him and made us all parade outside and come up in groups of 5, drink and spit. When he came up he didnt spit, he swallowed. 20 mins of ds yelling at him ensued

>>34129541
That "throw the rifle they the window forst@ though. Jesus wept.

watched an O7 trip over his own shoe and break both his arms + concussion

oorah go marines

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>>34126688
>Pinesol

>>34131951
Only the best and brightest here, yes sir!

>Fellow medic is on night shift
>He decides to drink some Ibuprofen for pain
>Turns out he's rabidly allergic
>Other medic with him gives him some Benadryl
>Doctor and pharma arrives to help
>Doctor chews out medic for giving him Benadryl
>Berates pharma to open the pharmacy
>Takes something out of there
>Proceeds to give anaphylactic shocked bro diphenhydramine...
>It's the same as Benadryl
>Doctor leaves to fill out paperwork
>Bloated medic turns to other medic and pharma
>"This nigga's stupid."

I swear, that doctor was at that duty station because he did something stupid in San Antonio, and sent him to exile for a while.

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>>34124852
>chilling out in the barracks after a long day of dealing with autistic subordinates
>About to crack open a cold one when someone starts knocking on the wall
>They begin to speak. "Hey corporal, do you have some shampoo?"
>allofmywut.jpg
> "Shampoo? what do you need that for?"
> "there is a mouse stuck in my vent. I wanna lube the little guy up and get him outta there."
> "No, I don't have shampoo you can use. go get some butter from the kitchen."
>mfw he did
>mfw he fucked up and ripped the mouse in half
I miss the army.

>>34126688
>SPC dumbfuck ruined 5 m240B's with fucking pinesol.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3ALwKeSEYs

>>34125897
>Mopping(not sweeping cause thatd actually make sense. mopping just makes more dust stick to ground) concrete floor of large dusty warehouse.

As someone who once had a job of cleaning houses and warehouses, this one just triggered me hard.

>>34126520
no B/1-19

>>34128152
Reminds me of the story on the news about a "trust game".

It was supposed to be
>bust into room, aim sidearm at face of someone you know
>"do you trust me?"
>dry fire because gun is empty/condition 3

News story went
>team leader (or something, not my branch) busts into team's room, points pistol at some poor bastard
>"do you trust me?"
>BANG
>lcpl anon now has a third eye hole and his bunk has a wonderful new paint job
>team leader now in for murder in the first degree

First FUCKING RULE of firearms safety. Grunts are absolute retards.

>>34132022
i have a theory that every class that passes through BCT will have at least one guy who urinates in his camelback

>>34131465
SARP- Small Arms Repair Parts, the company armorer has a limited number of parts for each weapon he can order, mostly pins, springs, grips, etc. There are a whole slew of parts you can't order, but when you shove the paperwork with parts numbers infront of the POL clerk and say "order this, I need it to fix weapons", they do it.

>Guy gets picked up for walking around Tacoma, WA smashed
>Gets told to stay in his barracks room.
>Regardless, decides to borrow a car and go get drunk the next night
>Wrecks car
>Gets told to check in with CQ every hour to show he isn't drunk
>Gets drunk anyway
>Gets yelled at by CQ
>Whips dick out and pisses on CQ desk.

>>34132660
Who is the retard that thought that doing that would be a 'game'?

>>34131683
I don't have high thoughts of muhreens but please source

>>34133583
Some retard who saw it on TV maybe.

>be german
>get drafted
>consider civil service
>eh, i guess 9 months larping as operator is more fun
>go innawoods for some exercise during bootcamp
>one guy is sick, end up alone in half a tent
>good thing is i don't have to go on patrol, since i don't have a buddy
>go to sleep
>get to sleep in, wake up 4:30 next day, feel great and well rested
>look around
>everybody looks like hell
>think "Ha those pussies can't even handle 1 hour of patrol and 1 hour of sitting by the fire"
>over the course of the day come to realize that there was apparently a massive overnight exercise
>cars moving about, blanks fired everywhere, exercise grenades going off, people digging foxholes
>tfw slept through all of it
>nobody noticed i wasn't there
>sergeant tells people to follow my lead and quit bitching about being tired
fun times

>>34124852
When I was stationed in Colorado, we went to the field.
We set up tents, and parked our humvees
we had to set a guard perimeter
I was on guard duty, walking the perimeter of our set up in the freezing rain
ice covering everything, yet I am walking around like an asshole at 3 in the morning
that was the day I decided to not reenlist

another time in the field during winter in colorado
we had set up our tents
and now its snowing, a lot
I got to spend the night on top of my platoons tent scraping snow off the roof because we are getting like 4 feet tonight
the whole night, scrapping snow off the roof
the other platoons tents all collapse, ours does not
I was the only monkey scrapping snow all night

I was in Finance. the infantry and engineers would go back to the rear, Finance dumbasses needed to prove ourselves so we had to stay in the field

>>34124852
this is easily the most retarded thing on video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dsy4FQuOUNQ

>>34135412
You have to realize that some of them KNEW.

>>34124852

A Sgt that, after a long hard day of patrol, gets called into a NCO bitch fest by a First. Problem was, his guys bailed and he was in the middle of clearing his 50 cal on the Hummer. Goes through meeting, comes back with joes all gone and tries to Charlie Mike.....well there was still a round in the chamber, and a messy hummer after.

>>34135567

I've read and re-read your post several times. How is the hummer messy from him forgetting to clear the 50 cal? I thought you said all the joes left.

>>34135565
After the exercise was over and we cleaned up our equipment was controlled.
Some NCO checked our collapsible spades, lauded the guy before me, because he had not only cleaned it, but oiled it a bit and got rid of the squeak, that earned him a couple of push ups before.
Then he turned to me. My spade was not only spottless, it was brand new. Not a single scratch on it. NCO looked absolutley baffled. I guess by then everybody knew. So whenever i was asked i just told them i slept through the whole thing. Since i didn't cause anybody trouble, people just thought it was funny.

>>34135633
It's poorly worded, but I guess he shot himself/ the hummer?

>>34135647
Good fun.

>>34135633

Because it ND'd into his chest, when he was dismounting it from the Humvee. My bad for not being clearer.

>>34135567
Do you fucking military faggots ever speak English? Or is it just your incomprehensible jargon babbling all the time?

>>34135709

Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full.

>>34135709
I'm not a native speaker and even i get that some idiot shot up a humvee with a 50 cal because he didn't brass check. Are you dense?

>>34135633
Actually lmaoing at comprehension ability.
These new kids seriously lack social wittiness.

>>34132660
We'll thats depressing

>>34133355
Chezched and keked

>>34135709
>goes into thread specifically about military experiences
>spergs out over military jargon
You are a dumb person.

>>34125897
I remember having to mop concrete/stone floor. If you touched it with your finger you may get some dirt on it, if you touch it after it's been mopped you'll literally have a black finger. God I loved my NCO's

>>34129598
Nigga they gave you khat

non mil-fag here.

love these stories. 100 proof autism, how you guys survived is a miracle

>>34135497
>Investigation happens
>find out that one private hooked up all three failures
>get fuck

>>34124852
I cut dandelions outside battalion's aor with an etool. I've painted rocks, raked the forest, ect. These were just the latest things i remember, dumb shit hapoens daily

>>34136212
So was the cautionary tale of why you should ALWAYS know what condition your heavy weapons were in, and if you didn't know, to point in a safe direction before finding out.

>be in ft Irwin for CAX/Mojave viper training
>large mounted vehicle patrol, approx 15 trucks
>order comes down to load up and make ready to depart
>also, specifically, to load the guns
>M2s get ball and tracer
>240s get ball and tracer
>Mk 19s get cheeto rounds (lead donut with bright orange powder inside a blue plastic crush cap projectile)
>everyone loads up
>lcpl chucklefuck with a Mk 19 forgets he's already at half load
>and he's swiveled around and pointing at the next forward truck
>specifically, the gunner
>this may be sheer bad luck or malicious intent, we don't know
>chucklefuck decides to go from condition 3 to condition 1 (he doesn't recall he's already at condition 2)
>as soon as he sends the bolt home, the gun fires one single cheeto round
>right into the dome of the gunner in front of chucklefuck
>domed gunner is now missing a sizeable portion of his own brain, replaced with lead and cheeto dust
>chucklefuck now in jail for negligent homicide or murder in some damn degree
>such is life in the American deserts, where even your own buddies are trying to kill you

I say again, grunts are fucking retarded. I even say this as a grunt.

>>34139001
this shit is why i'm kinda glad my lungs have a bunch of scar tissue in them that got me medicaled out in BCT

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>>34130127
>>34131456
It wasn't clear in my message, but only the guys who wrecked the APC had to pay

>>34126125

There was a reservist in my A school (navy) who was there for over a year because appearently there was "zero record of him ever being in the navy"

Like, how does this shit just vanish? All trace of everything.

>>34129541

That honestly looks kind of fun.

>>34126566
Lost

>>34143343
Only takes one idiot to delete a line in a database and click on continue without reading, just like she does at home. Cause who reads error messages or warnings? Once the wrong stuff is deleted, all search queries come back negative. At that point guys like me get to fix this shit.

>>34128574
Don't worry, I'm getting really good at golf and wearing morale shirts

>>34130288
Yup, that's the one I went to. As of this year they call it LEAD and it's shorter and there's almost no weapons training. Four of my friends are CTA's this summer and they're told not to yell too much or be too mean. They also don't have to pass the Fitness Assessment in order to graduate. It's gay as fuck.

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>>34130796
>"Fuck that coon. He's out for a month for a hip surgery and I hope he drops his painkillers and they roll under a dresser or table where he can't bend down to reach them."
>"I hope he drops his painkillers and they roll under a dresser or table where he can't bend down to reach them"
>"where he can't bend down to reach them"

>>34143343
>All trace of everything.
so what about the paperwork, orders, med packet, etc you hand carry from assignment to assignment. Every time I went anywhere in the Army, I had a leave form, 50 copies of orders, 201 file (personnel file), medical file, PCS award, my fucking ID card.

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>>34125897
>they see the flags at half mast and ask why
>it's dec 7th

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>>34126688

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>>34130575
heartwarming

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I joined the French Foreign Legion at 18. I was on a family vacation in France and said fuck it. I was only in two years and an explosion sent a rock through my shin. Fucked up the bone and I walk with a limp now. Can't run anymore, just a weird jog. Pic related is the scar

>>34126482

Switzerland and Norway are the two Europeen countries that I'd like to live in. Sadly the EU is probably gonna fuck both of you over soon enough.

It'll be sad to see that day.

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>>34135497
>the first reaction is "YEEESS! YESSS!"

>>34146443

What country did you come from? You still got your citizenship, yes?

>>34146669
America, and yes I have dual citizenship. It's pretty fucking sweet. I've stayed in America most of the time for work but I go back at least once a year. If you're considering it, I would say do it if you have no options in your country. Wouldn't consider it just for fun.

>>34124852
Probably the day my supervisor destroyed three quarters of a million dollars in equipment because, "you're just an E-3. You don't know what you're talking about".

3 hours and 3/4 of a million dollar later, he realizes I was right all along. But he takes credit for figuring it out in the logs.
------------------------------------------------------------
Guy totally shitfaced enters the wrong dormitory. He stops to take a piss in the hallway, pukes his guts out and shits himself, then passes out and falls into his own piss.
The formal charge, as written, is "defecating from every bodily orifice".
We all die laughing at that.
---------------------------------------------------------
Met a guy at tech school. He grew up in a rich family in Europe. He's already fluent in 6 languages. Military sent him to tech school learn a 7th language.

>>34146710
>Probably the day my supervisor destroyed three quarters of a million dollars in equipment because, "you're just an E-3. You don't know what you're talking about".
What'd he fuck up?

>>34146726
Aircraft computer, called a HAWK costs $250,000 each.
I had bought the tech rep dinner several times. He was happy to tell me all about the system as long as I kept buying him dinners and drinks. So, I had notebooks full of info that was not in the Tech Orders.
Suffice to say, I was able to trace shit through the computer bit by bit while everyone else was just on the "pull and replace Line Replaceable Unit" (LRU).
I trace a few bits and realize we're dealing with a phenomena called "backwards masking by upstream LRUs". Basically, a pre-processor box that fed data to the computer was bad. This caused the computer to fail within 5 minutes of being powered up.

But the processor was in the nose of the aircraft. That requires at least a 7 level supervisor to sign off after it's closed up. No 7 level was available at the time. So my 5 level supervisor didn't want to open the nose. Now the T.O. says "replace HAWK", so we do. And it blows in 5 minutes.

So my supervisor takes a stupid pill and sticks another HAWK in. It blows in 5 minutes.
So he claims it must have been a bad HAWK from supply. So he sticks another one in. It also blows in 5 minutes
So he sticks a fourth one in - claiming he needs a working HAWK to trace the problem himself. It blows in 5 minutes.

Now, the first blown HAWK was normal procedure, and I don't blame anyone for it. They were just following the T.O., and they blew it up while I was tracing bits. But the 2nd, 3rd and 4th one was AFTER I had figured it out and those were all on him.

When we finally opened the nose, we found that the cabling was all wrong. Each connector is color coded - and some idiot at another base couldn't even put red to red, blue to blue, etc.. The result was 115VAC fed down a 12V data line to the HAWK.

Hope you could follow all that.

>>34146853
Oh my jesus fuck what

On a semi-related note, I'm probably enlisting in the fall, so, assuming this is the USAF you're talking about, what MOS should I be asking for to do stuff like this, excepting the "killing 3/4 million of equipment" part?

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>>34124852

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>>34146853

muh poor tax shekels

>>34146853
This seems like a type of fuck up that no one will see any shit for because everyone was technically following procedure

>>34146706

Jesus fucking Christ no. I'm a 31-year old with a bad back and a moderate gut, I'd never make it in the FFL.

Plus while having a second citizenship would be nice I'm not really interested in EU countries.

>>34130288
They keep changing the name.

Basic Camp.
CIET.
Etc...

The Army can't decide what it wants to name it.

>>34147082
FFL is not for you then. I was a D2 college football prospect and they made me feel like a fat kid running a relay.

France is cool I guess, but I mostly just pitstop there then head to Spain. Fucking love Spanish women.

>>34131797
When WWIII starts soon, you can join the military branch of your choice. Don't feel bad my autistic friend. You'll have your go at glory. Just stay in shape, k?

>>34126517
Mmmm. Horno
>Las Flores Mafia, reporting in.

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>>34135412
Kek. They actually didn't notice u were gone. That's great.

>>34146853
I am considering joining the Airforce... But jeez how can someone be so retarded.

>>34124852
i raked sand once

>>34147481
Waow what madness
I bet that didn't clean up very much, huh

>>34126688
>Camp Shelby
I'm jealous of the army being stationed an hour from my hometown.

>>34126691
>lance coolies run shit

>>34128116
145% positive this is the Marine Corps. Fuck this is making my PTGD act up (Post Traumatic Gay Disorder)

>>34147499
i did make it look pretty - no pix though

Story a platoon Sgt told me years ago
>Stationed at Ft Ord in 7th Light
>Long weekend and drunken Infantry shens
>Because reasons, he ends up in the barracks of another unit looking for someone who may have beaten up someone in his unit
>Shit goes down and he punches out a corporal
>Get detained by MPs
>Incoming Art 15 fuckery
>But wait!
>Nobody's sworn statement matches, important details are in conflict. Trial Defense Services tosses the Art 15 and he gets away with it!
>Fast forward about 2-3 years, he is now stationed with 101
>Gets he shot at Ranger school
>First day of Ranger School smoke fest
>Laying on his back doing flutter kicks
>Suddenly a pair of boots bracket his head
>He looks up
>Some Sgt looks down at him and asks "Remember me fucker?"
>It's the corporal he punched out back at Ft Ord all those years ago, except he's now a Sgt and a Ranger Instructor
>He laughs and says "Well, I guess this means I won't graduate from Ranger school, huh?"
>Next day class run
>Break neck pace
>Another RI running right beside him giving him the evil eye
>He falls back
>RI screams for everyone to "cover"
>He can't touch the guy in front of him
>RI warns him -That's 1 Ranger! Close the gap!
>RI keeps calling for the formation to cover every time he falls back just a little
>3rd time he gets cut from the formation and told to get on the fall out truck
>dropped from Ranger School for failure to meet standards or some such bullshit
Warning kids, the military can be a small world depending on your MOS.

>>34146853
I do not remember the $$$$ amount, other than it was a large number --- but anyways...

>NTC ~2013
>RTU (rotational training unit) doing tank stuff
>A tank commander was dumb and ran into a birm
>didnt want people to know so he never said shit about it
later
>same TC doing live fire in same tank
>skips pre-fire checks because safety is for pussies
>"fire" "on the wa-" KASLKDJNAJNSDJKA@!
>abrams gun tube pipebombs, luckily the only injury was to the crews' pride

the TC was an E-7 and PSG, i heard he was relieved of his position - no word on if he had to pay the gubmint back for their gun tube.

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>>34125897
whats wrong with painting rocks?

>>34147690
>go to NTC
>Brigade CSM is more concerned with making sure that a rock gets painted with the Brigade colors than whether or not you have enough chow and water
>whuts the problem?

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>>34126161
theres forums for NCOs for award writing/counseling stuff and they talk about female e-4s that got bronze stars for pulling radio watch at the TOC all deployment (just so happened to be sucking off the SGM nightly as well).

2 more NTC stories and then im out --

TL:DR - i saw a female marine platoon leader fuck up a MASCAL so bad that the Afghani general i was escorting asked the marine captain to promise him his marines would not act like cowards when they got to "his country".

ref above, i later on asked the lead NCO CT if that was the worst thing he ever saw - he said "nope" and told the following story -

>platoon does STX mission
>all males with female butterbar
>LT wanders off during the raid and gets captured
>PLT completes mission
>ENDEX
>PLT rallies up for AAR
>PSG confirms he has all his people
>CTs do AAR, ask PSG to confirm headcount
>"we're up"
>CTs clear them to RTB - wait until unit reaches their FOB before asking them "oh btw, where's your lieutenant?"

>>34147655
>NTC 2000
>Some Maint sgt has several 5 gal cans full of waste oil and other used POL products
>doesn't want to deal with turning it in
>buries it in the maneuver box
>gets caught by the eye of god
I despised NTC. The Dust Bowel had this....smell. I guess I would call it greasy/dusty. It just kind of clung to your nose. Maybe it was all the MKTs?

>>34126566
water cans have 1 handle

fuel cans have 3 handles

i have a story about one of my guys that fucked that up and poisoned half the PLT, but i dont want to go into that one.

>>34147780
sand boogers

>>34147835
first trip to NTC, I swear I was blowing dirt out of my nose 2-3 weeks after we got back to home station

>>34129598
>heroine
Lrn2spell.

>>34147777
The only logical answer is "what lieutenant? "

>>34147835

Ever spent a day in the summer bucking hay bales? Fun shit, black snot for days.

>>34124852
Cats can't have autism.

>>34146929
Sry, had to do irl stuff
If you want to work on aircraft, anything avionics would do.
But don't do that shit. Pick yourself something that is "8 and skate". Meaning 8 hours of work and the rest of the day is yours. Anything such as building maintenance, administration, etc..

What happens when you go with something "mission critical" is that you end up on 12-16 hour shifts at the drop of a hat.... over and over and over again. Whatever college courses you thought you would take while in the AF gets fucked over and over and over.

You want your time to be yours as often as possible. HVAC or something - anything - non mission critical. Thank me later when you're poolside or getting through your college courses.

>>34147033
A 5 and a 7 level at another base got their ass reamed hard for it. I mean - the 5 level couldnt match colors? And the 7 level didn't catch it? I don't think any stripes were taken, but I do believe they had to get recertified on that system - which is a royal PITA.
Every repair you do on an aircraft has your name on it. So they know who fucks up. And they know who fucks up a lot.

Anybody else ever hear of operation XS?

My brother was a marine in charge of motorpool at camp Lejeune, and this is one of the stories he came home with.

Once a year, everything on the base is inventoried. The base commander looks good when everything is present and/or accounted for. The base commander look bad when it is not. It is the highest priority to make your base commander look good. Even at the cost of common sense.
That inventory includes overages as well as shortage, folks.
There's not a whole lot they can do about shortages. But there sure are things that they can do about overages. Like bury it.
Thus, operation XS. Dig a giant pit in the swamp and bury everything that you're not supposed to have.
A couple million dollars in all sorts of shit all buried next to a swamp and the swamp expanded to cover it all over.
Base commander gets his star, all unit commanders get commendations. All the grunts get to participate in the dumbest way to handle excess inventory ever imagined.

>>34124852

>There's not a whole lot they can do about shortages.

Not if they have good relations with the E4s

>>34147273
Not him, but I'm 31, prior service, and a DUI after I got out (parked it, fell asleep while engine on because it was winter and I wanted a heater).

NOBODY wants to touch me because I "should have known better" and I can't exactly fault their logic. I can only pray for a fast war where they are desperate for a guy that knows how to properly fuck shit up and not die. I remember hearing that most of the military's recruiting pool is physically unfit, something like 75%.

>>34149526
>I remember hearing that most of the military's recruiting pool is physically unfit, something like 75%.
and that's before you factor in the kids with criminal records, or other disqualifying factors. I think it's maybe 10% of kids graduating could meet the reqs for enlisting.

>>34147690
Wonder what that warning sign in the middle says.

>>34147777
Quads confirm that butterbars are absolute retards.

>>34149215
Sounds like we need a few government surplus stores or something. Or some E4s, like >>34149342

>>34149563
....then a logical person would think that it would behoove the DoD to fucking allow reenlistment for people such as myself. I know I'm not an isolated case.

>>34149609
>behoove
Sixta?

>>34147777
Nice quads

>>34149592
>Sounds like we need a few government surplus stores or something.
That's precisely the problem.
If there's a surplus on base, it needs to leave the base
Surplus is good because it's better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

But pencil pushers will take the surplus and sell/redistribute if they see things routinely not used.
It's the same reason why so many government departments will have massive spending sprees right before budget changes.

>>34125897
What's a class 6?

>>34150137
Shoppettes and gas stations on a Military posts have "Class Six" displayed on the side sometimes.

It's a common goods store on a Military installation usually for non-military goods.

The main purpose for a class six is the sell of alcohol.

>>34149711
What?

>>34137913
>>34130967
>>34129802
It's not khat you retards.
It's called Naswar. It's a tobacco snuff similar to Swedish snus. It's just really REALLY strong compared to American dip. If you take a fat lip of that shit you will straight up get nicotine poisoning.

>>34149609
The military is still on peacetime mode.

They don't want people, period.

>>34150783
With any luck, Trump will kick the beehive that is NK

>>34126688
>Shelby

I remember that shit from when I was an air force cadet. The Abrams gave me the biggest boner the whole time.

>>34144579
>They also don't have to pass the Fitness Assessment in order to graduate. It's gay as fuck.

Calling BS on that one, we had a fat fuck get DQ'd last year at Maxwell for failing the PFA and he was working his was off this whole year to try again this summer.

Fuck you Wallace.

>>34124852
>be me, SPC Highspeed
>drive up to class six on schofield

(there's a curb dividing the entrance to the parking lot that splits the incoming and outgoing lanes)

>enter through incoming lane, pass across outgoing lane to class six / clothing sales parking lot
>silver bullet mercedes benz pulls into handicapped space next to me
>be pretending to be checking text messages
>look over
>military stephen colbert in a polo shirt
>giving me the "come here" finger wag
>i get out and stand at attention in civvies
>"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM"
>"I'M MAJOR GENERAL *********"
>get reamed for using the street incorrectly
>buy alcohol, go back to barracks
>never deploy, become alcoholic

>>34150983
>also be me, SPC Highspeed
>work office job, but pulled out for field every other week
>get packing list and schedule Thursday afternoon
>Friday arrives
>wake up at 0330
>formation in ACUs, battle rattle, and ruck sack by 0400
>do warm ups
>stand around in the dark waiting until 0700
>CSM and CPTs arrive
>finally step off for this bullshit at 0800 after theyve had breakfast

fucking goddamn i don't miss the army at all

>>34150137
>What's a class 6?
spotted the never served
there are different Class's of supply. Class I supply is food, Class VI are non military personal demand items
>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Classes_of_supply
don't ever say /k/ never taught you anything

>>34135497
>"do we need to call that up?"
never gets old

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>>34126688
>pinesol.

>>34149592
"Do not paint the rocks."

>>34149215
In the army it's called operation clean sweep.

Itd be retarded if we didn't keep finding millions of dollars in off the books property

>>34133355
checked your full house

>>34126517
you're the reason we can never smoke in the field.
camp pendleton burns down once a year because of idiots like you.

>>34147366
mainside POG reporting

>>34124852
>>34124852
had a dumbass private who couldn't get right. had to be taught how to fold a towel, and briefed on tying trashbags. i hear he's an NCO now. god help us all.

>>34128413
everyone knows that cadet summer training happens at Ft. Knox. your persec is bad and you should feel bad

>be finnish conscript in coastal troops
>sea observing duty
>it's kinda dark
>a new ship enters the sector
>don't feel like calculating the distance by hand
>"Led's use the laser rangefinder :DDDD t.battlebuddy :D"
>*click clack :D* regards rangefinder
>few minutes later our lieutenant runs to our post in his underwear radio in hand
>"FOR FUCKS SAKE BOYS STOP THE MEASURING JESUS CHRIST"
>the ship wasn't a civilian but a russian warship
>fug :DDD

measuring the targets are taken as aggression btw

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>be finnfag
>conscript
>force on force training
>have those blank firing adapters and laser senor things
>I was think in USA you call the MILES or something
>female Vänrikki (2 lieutenant I think in American terms)
>she starts shooting at the treeline and says we are in contact
>platoon takes cover and begins "returning fire" into the treeline
>she turns around and "kills" one of our own guys by ND'ing her rifle when she twists her ankle and falls
>she calls for mortars
>a minute later half the platoons gear is going off and beeping
>"YOU ARE DEAD. SHRAPNEL-HEAD"
>she called in short rounds
>Find out later the enemy was over 2 kilometers in the opposite fucking direction
>we were shooting at nothing
>in summary, no contact with the enemy, 27 dead, 30+ wounded
>She remained in charge
>As far as I know, she is still an officer somewhere in the Army in charge of people

>mfw women in combat positions

Guy gets bronze star for running away:
>USMC LT Col wants to go on patrol and play lance corporal
>so he decides we are gonna go into the shittiest hornets nest he could find outside of Geresht in helmand
>fuckin bari-dasht. Intel told us atleast 80 or so fighters were there
>so were gonna go there for no fuckin reason with no clear objectives so this cunt can chase ribbons and medals for his promotability
>small platoon sized patrol backed by a satellite patrol of 3 MRAPS with .50's
>3 hours in muffled in the distance *pop pop pop*
>some haji faggot 1000 yards away is firing his AK at us, his rounds are falling 300 yards short or just bareley moving along 30 feet over our heads
>this LT COL goes full retard, heavy breathing, jerky movements, aims his M4 in the vague direction of the fire
>sir, you arent anywhere NEAR close enough to
>BRAP BRAP BRAP BRAP
>hes firing on burst randomly into the village it came from almost a kilometer away
>hajis dont like that very much
>all manner of shitstorm explodes into our general direction from fucking everywhere
>they even got a fucking recoiless rifle
>this faggot breaks from the patrol sprints 400 meters to the MRAPS
>pounds on the hatch until they un-combat lock it, throws it open, drags the LT inside out by his collar, tosses him on the ground, and jumps into the seat
>slams hatch, orders the MRAPS (our only current effective counter-fire) to depart

Contd....

>>34155006
>they gotta do it, cuz he is our BC
>leaves us and the thourougly confused LT in the dust
>were taking heavvy effective fire from multiple directions from medium machineguns, a dishka, and a fucking recoiless rifle
>chase MRAPS cuz where the fuck else are we supposed to go now that our objectiveless mission has no leadership?
>catch up to them a fuckin mile later
>all vomiting, twitching, on verge of passing out from heatstroke cuz its july in afghan and 125 degree temp and we just ran a mile in full combat load
>go back to leatherneck
>8 months later he got himself a bronze star because he wrote himself up, gave it to a 1st sgt who swore up and down he saw it all and that LT COL dipshit voluntarily lead from the front fighting valiantly alongside his men
>1st sgt had hit an IED in an old soviet mine in his MRAP that deployment, hardly had enough bang to shred a tire, but he got signed off on a purple heart
>my squads general conscensus is he and the LT COL wrote eachothers bogus citations (scratch my back I'll scratch yours)

Fuckin faggot LT COL actually tried to steal our unit standard with the battle streamers and unit decorations dating back to WW1 too. Our new BC actually had to threaten to beat his ass before he gave it back.

New BC was awesome and fixed all the dapmage the aforementioned shit-head did. I still get dreams about beating LT COL retard to death with my helmet though.

>>34154053
It was a long time ago mainside pog. Sorry you can't smoke those whole 2 weeks a year in the field you do.

>>34149215
>afghan 2014
>leatherneck is in retrograde
>pogs at DRMO find a literal cargo container full of LAWs that had been marked destroyed 4 years prior
>so we line up in a 30 man volley-line
>volley fire hundreds of LAWs off into the afghan desert 30 at a time
>brits pull out, leave behind 40,000 tons of 155 shells
>EOD wires ALL of them up for one single detonation cuz why the fuck not?
>20 kilometers from the base
>cordon is 5km from blast site
>fuckhuege pressure wave, 5km tall mushroom cloud
>base pogs complain that we blew it up too close to base cuz it cracked windows
>we were 20 kilometers away
>felt like getting punched in the face from our position
>also piles of gear got burned, but our commander let us scavenge it if we showed him we took the serials off
>got me 5 plate carriers and shit which I mailed home

Military waste is on a biblical scale.

>>34129490

its also a means of social mobility for the not too bright

>>34154842
>>34154864


fuckin lewd

:DDDDD

>>34155006
>>34155027
field grade lobotomy, amirite?

>>34128161
>I had a speck of dust on my pillow and got yelled at by a 70 year old man that needs half a bottle of Viagara just to get a chubby

There I just saved you some time by telling you every barracks inspection story to ever exist

>>34128413
Reminds of cub scout camp when I was 9 and one of the kids thought the urinal cake in the portable toilet was a bar of soap

>>34155110
You can't talk shit to me about military waste until you see fleets of KC10s and KC135s dumping a billion dollars of jet fue into the atlantic cor days so we get the same funding next year after we pulled out of iraq.

When I went through osut with delta 1-19 we had a fat fuck named christini, I swear he had legitimate autism he would always fuck up & get us smoked, he ended up threatening to kill us all after the drill sergeant learned he didn't know his infantrymans creed & made him start writing 20 creeds every night, rather than kick him out for being retarded they moved him to 2nd platoon, the drill sergeant in 2nd platoon then proceeded to give him double rations till he failed his apft and got chaptered out of the army

>>34154842
>>34154864
fugg :D:D:DDDD

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>>34154864
reminds me of this

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>>34156111

>>34155764
>they moved him to 2nd platoon, the drill sergeant in 2nd platoon then proceeded to give him double rations till he failed his apft and got chaptered out of the army
I can almost guarantee you, there was a training meeting and the subject of what to do with the Tard came up. Trying to put him out for being stupid would never have worked. The COl up there in his office on Sand Hill never would have signed off, he's gotta keep the graduation rate % up. That Drill in the other platoon was a evil mother fucker and stepped up and said he could get rid of him.

>>34130119
because degenerates like you don't flush and prefer to bask in the smell of your own shit.

>>34131579
Nigga I'm doing that this summer. How is it?

>>34149080
>A 5 and a 7 level at another base got their ass reamed hard for it

And the poor sod who has to fly the plane? He dies.

>>34155764
He got Section 2988'd?

>>34155708
wat

Sometimes i wish this shit would find its way on to the black market. All that gear, all that stuff.

>>34157549
SOmetimes it is neither machine or User that's to dumb, sometime its the fucking retards that absolutely fail at putting the goddamn thing together. The guys that flew the SR71 never did pre flight checks. They must've had brass balls.

>>34125897
>It's Dec 7th.
What happened then?

>>34148682
>Ever spent a day in the summer bucking hay bales?
Yes
>Fun shit,
Not really
>black snot for days.
chyup.

>>34124852
Standing post at a FOB in afghan
>new GBOSS cameras and perimeter cams get set up
>CO: we got cameras now?! Cool! We can turn each and every single one inward towards the posts to see if the post standers are fucking off!
>uhhh..... sir..... theyre PERIMETER cams, theyre for watching the PERIMETER!
>CO: "nonsense! Theyre obviously for catching guys smoking on post!
>tfw 40 million worth of high powered perimeter monitoring equipment is disabled by one fuckhead captain who wants to micromanage his own guys.

>>34157950
It's a day that will live in infamy.

>>34157950
Japanese terrorists crashed bombs on LA

>>34157950
You're joking, right? I sure hope you are.

>>34158867
It is disconcerting that there are people who literally don't know.

>>34158958
I really hope that anon isn't American. His entire social group has failed him if he doesn't know the significance of that date.

>>34131797
>>34131884
They get in all the time. You'll mostly find them in tech jobs, and a few in a combat arms.

>>34157950
t. /r/army user.

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>>34130796
>>Have obese nigger supervisor
>>Obese nigger supervisor is into katanas, obscure ninja weapons, and martial arts

Pic is of said guy.

>>34155110
I want a plate carrier ;(

>>34159765
So go get one. They arent expensive anymore.

>>34159493
I find black weaboos fascinating.

>>34150844
Man, they didn't have any Abrams when I was there, just fucking howitzers that they only shot off at 2 am for some ungodly reason.

>>34143343
I had a buddy that almost didn't commission because he disappeared from all the systems the morning of. There was magically zero record of him ever existing.

>>34154145
He's talking about Camp Shelby for AFROTC

>>34147524
No that place is literally hell in the summer. Barracks are fucking garbage and probably have rats.

>>34131797
me too anon ;_;
...plus I'm a tranny, which is allowed now, but probably wouldn't help any, not to mention I have issues other than autism as well

>>34126524
intresting

>>34126276
Armed forces of the Tu'i Tonga Empire?

>>34154053
Also mainside. Nice to know I have fellow /k/ommamdos around.

>>34126276
Having conducted trainong alongside dozens of nations.

>UAE soldiers conducting BZO couldnt even hit paper at 15 yards (and they had literally fresh out of the box brand fuckin new weapons from HK that made my 30 year old colt M16 look like garbage)
>afghans (do I even need to say anuthing, retarded toddlers who often showed up for live fire training high on heroine)
>iraqis (more you tried training them the dumber they seemed to get, it was like they were slowly un-learning how to be basically functioning human adults)
>singapore: was okayish. Best of em were equivalent to an okayish private, but most were generally useless, all they cared about was quote "going to vegas on weekend libbo to fuck white hookers"
>kuwaiti: their salute involves pointing thier loaded rifle at their own throat with the buttstock and trigger guard presented outwards to their superior officer, who is literally allowed to pull the trigger if he feels he has good reason to.
>thai: good hand to hand and jungle survival skills but they cant fight with rifles for shit. Spray bullets everywhere and hope to hit something
>canadian: 3/4ths were over age 35, half were overweight, their "PT standards" seemed to be "only if you feel like it eh?"
>jordanian: basically iraqis with more expensive guns
>georgian republic: 3/4ths over age 35, 3/4ths legitimatley obese. Theyd all spontaneously stop training to pull wads of filthy bread out of various stashing places in their kit and start grazing on it. Training would not be resumed until the spontaneous bread munch was complete.


Jesus ive seen so much stupid shit from armed forces around the planet I literally cant think of specific anecdotes. Training with foreign militaries was just an endless parade of stupidity and incompetance. I really wish I had gotten to do shit with the koreans or UK or something. Every fucking place I tried to train marksmanship and machinegunnery at was just a hopless mess of stupid.

>>34165424
Thai seems not all that bad desu. Like yeah they just spray and pray now, but that shit is fixable.

>>34158958
If it's a date that only really matters to Americans don't be so surprised that others don't know

>>34144579
>>34150972
Nah, it's the stupidest shit. LEADT is the worst name they could have come up with. It's like they want everyone else to take ROTC even less seriously than they already do.

>>34150844
Dude the Abrams and howitzers were the best part of JFTC. I spent July 4th laying in sand in a DFP for 2 hours or so watching tanks go by. It was the best.

>>34148058
Not heroin mayte, heroiiiine. Completely different box of frogs

>>34126688
>ThatOneKnowItAllGuyRangeSafety says, "don't worry everyone some jackass just did the headspace and timing wrong"
>Headspace and timing
>On a 240
Fucking retard.

>>34165919
JFTC was fucking great. Maxwell was a waste of time. When did you go through?

>>34165861
>If it's a date that only really matters to Americans don't be so surprised that others don't know
>only really matters to Americans
I hate this world

>>34128574
Eh, they had portashitters at the bivouac site for 19D STX back in 2004, they banned digging emplacements in the woods.