Military >greentexts, /mischief/ edition.

The HIPS on that guy second from the front. I could cuddle that all night long. I bet he's for a bangin ass too.

File: tent.jpg (157KB, 1154x1154px) Image search: [Google]

157KB, 1154x1154px

>Dutch Air Force basic training.
>Training exercise in Germany
>We're sleeping in some Bundeswehr dome tent thing, looks kinda like pic related
>Instructors throw two smokes into each tent, "GAS GAS GAS", everyone expected to run outside and perform the CBRN drill + perimeter security
>We do a headcount at the end of the drill
>One guy short
>Turns out one dude simly put on his gasmask and stayed in his sleeping bag
>sgtmaj loses his shit
>End up marching through the night in full CBRN gear as punishment

>>34106451

>Laying with on your side with your hand between your thighs and the other hand underneath your head.

So fucking comfy.

>>34106460
>Turns out one dude simly put on his gasmask and stayed in his sleeping bag

Why don't they make CBRN resistant sleeping bags anyway?

Just put on your respirator, pull up the hood/pillow on the sleeping bag and tighten it around the mask like the MOPP hood and then you're like some kind of nuclear caterpillar

>>34107118
Why do you hate knees anon? What have your knees ever done to you?

Imagine carrying 2 sets of CBRN gear with one set slightly heavier.

>>34107118
you cant fight from a sleeping bag

>>34106435
I don't have any interesting enough stories to share but does anyone want to know about the NZ army?

File: 123124125456.jpg (86KB, 640x569px) Image search: [Google]

86KB, 640x569px

>Be Britbong in West Germany circa 1984
>Doing PT run around close forested area with fellow Squaddies
>Pass many civvies walking dogs
>Fucking platoon of Leopards burst from fucking tree cover (doing landnav shit or something).
>Smoothied 2 civvies and a dog on the path in front of us
>Never saw in any news and was never talked about again

File: ycH4uP24x6Q.jpg (63KB, 403x604px) Image search: [Google]

63KB, 403x604px

>>34109675
Ha ha!

That is where you are wrong, comrade!

>Britbong recruit, Phase 1 at Pirbright
>First blank firing exercise, being explained importance of SBFS
>One recruit gets curious as to how dangerous blanks can actually be
>Decides to test
>Inna harbour area
>Hear loud single 'bang'
>Mong had removed BFA, held palm to muzzle and pulled trigger
>Removed most of his left hand
>Mongs gonna mong

I was told this by a colleague who was an instructor there, apparently this didn't go into the Safe Blank Firing Training DVD because "The SBFS can't protect retards from themselves"

File: you cant fight from a sleeping bag (They said...).jpg (115KB, 468x640px) Image search: [Google]

115KB, 468x640px

>>34109675

>>34109911

>>34109986
I fail to see the purpouse of the penis

>army
>shitty weekend
>Germany exercise cancelled due to cargo plane being fucked
>me and 3 other specialists had to pack out shit 20 guys used 2-3 weeks to pack
>we have the weekend to do it
>little sleep, but we manage to unpack and get everything in place.
>Monday
>wake up to get breakfast
>get stopped in line, 2nd lt asking me for ID(I was in civilian clothing, pretty common at the time since most people were off duty)
>forgot my ID in the pocket of my uniform
>guy literally lets everyone but me and my two friends pass, without checking their ID
>get pissed
>walk back, get ID
>come back
>ask for ID again
>throw it at him
>2nd lt. tells a sergeant to get the Major
>get assblasted by the Major

Didnt get in any serious trouble, I never got in trouble prior or after that, so most of the higher ups saw it as nothing but a bad day. Didnt even get a talk from my sergeant about it. Also the 2nd lt. was a major bitch, so nobody really cared what he "reported" to others about. He was also caught flirting with female staff, and misuse of his position.
If I could've gone back, I probably would've done it differently, just felt weak getting aggravated by small shit like that. Should be able to keep my cool better like I normally do.

File: 1492958499104.gif (944KB, 290x200px) Image search: [Google]

944KB, 290x200px

>>34110014
>I fail to see the purpouse of the penis
That sounds like some hardcore feminist quote

>>34109675
In winter time, we often just sat in our sleeping bags in the gun pits. Nothing like being toasty warm while warding off enemy night probes.

>Be me
>circa 2016
>conducting land nav exercise as part of elementary war fighting course
>4 legs, 2 day, 2 night
>navigate in pairs to protect retards from themselves
>partner and I had short day legs so we reached our RV early
>sit for hours, cook, smoke talk about meaning of life etc
>still 3 hours till step off for night legs, our first leg is only 600m away
>it's still at least 27 degrees and there is a dam right next to our night checkpoint
>buddy and I decide that the best course of action is to go swimming
>sneak through a ditch cut by a small stream until we reach the dam
>strip our clothes and jump in
>the water was pretty warm, overall nice way spend the afternoon
>hear ds staff coming in the distance
>boning in another group for smoking while walking and not wearing hats (yeah stupid training shit)
>buddy and I make like seals and hide in the reeds
>ds staff walk right up to dam and look over the bank
>"you fellers keep going, ive gotta piss"
>lone sergeant comes down the bank 3 metres from our hiding spot and whips his dick out
>longest piss hes ever taken, felt like it could have been minutes
>zips up and leaves

Not super interesting but it was certainly exciting at the time.

>>34109749
R-repeat your last

>>34109749
that's some buffalo soldiers shit. video related
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAXDWjXsvzw

>navy anon tells me the story about people smuggling shit onto a navy ship
>Stopover in Thailand?
>Someone smuggles a monkey
>During the first dive the monkey got loose
>Captain gets wind of it and orders the monkey to be found.
>Can't find the culprit
>Impromptu torpedo launch drill
>Captain orders the monkey to be tied up and shot out of the torpedo tube.

File: 1476359936519.gif (1MB, 200x200px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 200x200px

>>34107118
>nuclear caterpillar

>>34109977
Fucking Pirbright, that brings back memories.
> doing skill at arms
> absolute mong in the section called Isaac
> running through drills
> 'On the word of command: make ready'
> safety, change lever, si-
> CHU-CHUNK
> Fucking mong just cocks it and sits there with a shiteating grin
> chilled as fuck corporal goes over the drill twice more because clearly Isaac didnt get it
> 'ok, listen in: make rea-
> CHU-CHUNK
> Fucking mong hasnt got a clue
> usually chill corporal starts getting pissed now, repeats it again 1 on 1 with mong
> some time later...
> sitting around talking about firing from prone etc
> 'so remember the 9 key point checklist, legs, rifle butt, head -'
> CLICK, SMACK
> CHU-CHUNK
> Isaac randomly loaded a magazine and fucking cocked the rifle in the middle of the sentence
> corporal loses his shit
> makes him do laps of the SAA block until he nearly chunders, watches him like an eagle every SAA lesson after that
> dipshit failed his WHT twice, I was in the first one with him to witness the madness
> stripping the weapon for daily maintenance
> BOING
> idiot launched his fucking recoil spring halfway across the room
> corporal looking on in disbelief
> 'Ok, point to your firing pin'
> I point to the firing pin
> 'Isaac, thats your gas rod...thats your cam stud...recoil assembly...charging handle......you have no fucking clue do you?'

I could go on for days about the monginess of Isaac.

>>34110306
Please do, Anon.

>>34110306
>I could go on for days about the monginess of Isaac.
Get to it anon

>>34110159
>gets pissed on while skinny dipping with another guy
>gets excited

File: small brown ball.jpg (155KB, 890x593px) Image search: [Google]

155KB, 890x593px

> On patrol down MSR doing 90
> Usually we'd get fired on every 3 or four minutes so we're constantly firing on the move.
> in lead Jackal "Strike Face" on top Gun
> See small brown ball in the road ahead
> Speeding towards it
> Its "bounces up" to about my height
> Buzzes and purrs maybe 3 inches from my head.
> I thought it was some IED/RPG mix (RPGs make a similar noise as they fly past you)
> Hear a crunch, a scream on coms and some gunshots from a .50 behind me
> "CONTACT!"
> open up on everything and anything
> "Man DOWN TOMS HIT, REQUESTING MEDEVAC!"
> Pull a 90 degree turn doing 90 to pull over and hide behind some buildings.
> Get slammed against the turret ring
> Dismount and run to jackal "Front toward enemy"
> Front toward enemy pulls to a stop
> Tom on top gun looks delirious and is covered in blood
> Clearly struggling to breath
> Tear his osprey off
> His plates are shattered
> tear his clothes off
> No blood, no wounds
> His ribs were broken
> take a second look at his osprey,
> Coated in tiny brown feathers
> look into Front towards enemy

Its only an afghan quail.

Something that tiny hit him, smashed his plates and covered him in blood.

>>34110306
>> BOING
>> idiot launched his fucking recoil spring halfway across the room
It could have been worse he could have ended up with the "mark of shame", i know someone who's done that twice, once with his 80 and once with a glock, lost it both times.

>>34110400
so what you're saying is that Afghanistan has natural IEDs?

>>34110371
> arrival day
> Isaac arrives late due to X and Y excuse, misses the briefing and everything
> cookhouse is closed
> Isaac goes in and makes some poor chef cook him dinner
> Isaac finishes the meal
> 'That was good but my throats really dry now, can you fetch us a drink'
> allmywut.jpg
> makes this poor chef grab him a drink

Later on...
> training sergeant told us we would have an inspection tomorrow
> told us the most random order like he was making it up as he went along
> we all work like demons late into the night, cleaning the ablutions, double and triple checking everyones space is the same, ironing everything you can possibly iron
> Isaac spent the whole night on his bed listening to music on his phone really loudly
> 'Isaac mate, you havent done shit'
> 'Ill do it tomorrow im tired'
> 'What time you getting up then cus we're all getting up at 5'
> 'Probably around 0630'
> 'Inspections at 0715 mate..'
> 'I know'
> walk away in utter disbelief
> he blares his music all night even though he has headphones but doesnt use them
> whole section gets fucking pissed to the point of nearly kicking the living fuck out of him
> he relinquishes and puts his headphones in which he had the entire time
> we're all sleeping on the floor as to not have to re iron our beds and pillows
> Isaac sleeps soundly in bed
> get ripped apart in inspection because his bedspace looks like a fucking Brimstone hit it
> we all get bollocked
> Isaac had the nerve to say 'well nobody would help me, I didnt know what to do innit'
> sergeant thankfully doesnt take any of it
> push ups, burpees and sprints round the block in full CBRN clown suit and GSR
> comes back in shattered
> 'liek, i dont get what i did wrong bruv'
> nobody talks to him for 3 days

>>34110444
Witnessed.

>>34110276
Tranny here, can confirm that women's restrooms are way grosser than men's restrooms, even without showers. Way grosser. There's a reason your girlfriends and wives dread public restrooms and hold it until they get home. Ugh.

File: sweetwater IRl s.jpg (47KB, 600x337px) Image search: [Google]

47KB, 600x337px

Had this supposed "Communications specialist" from the USMC attached to us for Herrick

Litterally real life sweetwater from battlefield his name was kennedy

he's kinda like Pvt pyle too though

> Pre deployment acclimatisation in cyprus
> Doing the assault course in full gear, body amour, daysacks, weapons...
> RSM walks over with sweetwater in tow
> "this here is kennedy he's going with you on deployment"
> "since this is first time on a british course hes going with only his helmet"
> Start the course as a team, Monkey bars fine, Gap steps fine, Under and over fine, Gully fine, Tires fine, then it comes to the rope A frame
> Everyone gets up and over ok apart from Sweetwater who freezes at the top
> Our Sgt, was one tough cunt, literally the toughest, yet smartest man i know
> Trained all of us up from crowbags, bursting with knowledge.
> kind of guy who will go to hell and back for you
> turned down cambridge & sandhurst to slog it out with us
> Anyway this fucker is up there for 2 mins and my sgt, who is the kind of guy who will stay behind to buy time for the wounded or would die with you decides to leave him behind,
> Our Sgt did have one mortal enemy: Heights, so when it came to the Gaps in the planks at the trainasium / Gantry He froze ( he did the parachute course and lost a couple of friends in a Height related incident)
> screams fuck it as he jumps,
> Expect RSM to due his nut But RSM just Screams "Well done Sgt. Just fuck it!"
> Team laps him umpteen times
> Entire team finishes course and he's still up there.
> RSM and a rupert go up there and try to gently coerce him over
> there for maybe half an hour
> RSM fucks off and buys us some ice cream while a ruperts up there with him.
> After maybe 45 mins the RSM throws a wobbly
> RSM congers up two mess tins
> Gives one to the rupert.
> Take turns in whacking Sweetwater on his lid
> Ding
> Dong
> "w-why are you doing this to me"
> "What would you be doing now if these were gunshots?"
> Dong
> Ding

>>34110593
> 'w-why are you doing this to me'

O I am laffin

>>34109986
I consider myself both schooled and intimidated.

>>34110636
The only thing worse than waking up to that at the end of your bed would be him whispering 'theres room in here for two'

>>34110306
>BOING
Fuck that sound gives me shivers.

Watched a guy in Cyprus launch his freshly-cleaned-and-oiled recoil rod and spring assembly into a little pile of sand next to him. Cue five minutes of frustrated cleaning and checking. Goes to re-insert, does the same thing again. Looks at springs pointing out of this little pile of sand at a neat 45-degree angle. Starts to weep.

>I could go on for days
Do it.

>>34110438
Someone in my section lost their firing pin.

File: dong ding.jpg (47KB, 500x365px) Image search: [Google]

47KB, 500x365px

>>34110593
>>34110626
not finished yet, it gets worse...

Cont.
> Ding
> Dong
> Even this isn't working
> RSM calls for the Pioneer sergeant and an axe to cut the supports
> Would you believe it he climbs over and down
> We all start ironically cheering and clapping
> he starts walking off the course hands in the air
> Oh but he aint finished yet
> "what in the name if flying fuck and floating jesus are you bloody doing you still have to complete the coarse!"
> 12 foot wall
> By him fucking self
> Runs up to it and runs into it face first scraping his face along the brickwork
> Our radio Guy who is literally george luz reincarnate cries
>"do you require a wah wah -wambulance?"
> He goes up the gantry and freezes at the gaps between planks
> he freezes for another 10 minutes and the RSM physically goes up there with his pace stick and is gonna chin the cunt.
> he hastily jumps, Slips and ends up with hands on the other side of the Gap, but his feet on the other side
> he eventually crosses the gap and gets to the fast rope
> he slips and misses it entirely landing flat on his arse
> Next is the rope swing across the Gap
> he jumps and misses the rope
> he heads back to try again
> he does it again
> "well do remember to take the rope back with you"
> he eventually does it
> he again holds his hands up victorious and walks over to us
> RSM screams "Finnish the laps!"
> at this point we had deck chairs and gave up on cheering him on
> We all go to dinner and even bring something out for the RSM
> he complete the laps
> sets a new record
> Longest time taken to complete
> he heads over to the dining hall
> "Do you think you're going into my dining hall in that mess!"
> he goes to get showered and changed
> by the time he's finished they stopped serving dinner

next post : the deployment

>>34110460
>> Isaac goes in and makes some poor chef cook him dinner

Fuck trying to make the chefs at Pirbright do fucking anything ever. Was he the size of a small house or something?

>>34107118
>Nuclear caterpillar
>That fucking visual
Blow out soon stalker

>be Security Forces
>monthly weapon cleaning
>lt goes to turn in weapon
>armorer turns weapon away for being dirty
>three times
No one liked this lt
>hey, armorer anon, I used to be enlisted, you should have some respect for me.
>YOU WERE IN THE RESERVES!! Shouts the armored
>lt slinks away
>our captain had to order the armorer to accept the weapon

>>34110460
>>34110306
It makes me sad that Isaac got in when the Army turned me down.

Feelsbad.jpg

>super specialist medic
>finally get chosen to deploy
>get told 2 weeks before i fly
>so much shit to do
>fast forward to last 24 hours
>have to drop off truck, pack shit, and clear room
>friends wanna party my last night stateside
>ok i'm down for a b's party
>cob finally comes around
>drop off truck at storage
>buddy picks me up
>we grab tacos from local mexi place
>stop by class 6 and pick up a couple of cases
>commence operation last minute alcoholism
>drink for 6 hours straight
>buddies call it a night because they got work early
>continue to drink while packing and cleaning
>finally clear room at 0830
>nothing to do so i drink for the next hour
>polish off last of the beer
>head into work with all my gear
>idk how they can't tell i'm absolutely shitfaced
>go through all the ceremonies and bullshit
>finally get to the rdf
>haven't slept in like 24+hours
>trying to stay conscious while calling all of my family to say goodbye
>literally pass out while talking to my father
>wake up to some dude talking to everyone
>try to see who the fuck is interrupting my sleep
>still pretty drunk after all this time
>rub my eyes until the blur goes away
>it's the division commander
>i'm literally front row center passed the fuck out
>division commander was giving a speech for like 15 mins before i woke up
>people told me i was snoring like a mother fucker
>i never even heard anyone call attention when he walked in

>>34106435
they have to be Scots.

File: f98.jpg (18KB, 600x600px) Image search: [Google]

18KB, 600x600px

>>34110764

File: dsg.jpg (59KB, 420x296px) Image search: [Google]

59KB, 420x296px

>be basic training fag
>going through reception
>i know jackshit about the army
>just spent the last 2 hours getting uniforms
>gotta piss, when's the piss break
>few of us get opportunity to drain our veins
>get to the latrine
>two dudes in pt's at the urinals already
>head down to the other end with plenty elbow room
>another dude comes in wearing pt's
>heads over and starts to piss right next to me
>"dude, brocode. why you gotta be a douchebag?"
>ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS PRIVATE?!?!?!
>proceded to finish pissing at parade rest
never pissed as hard as i had when a 6'2" black drill sergeant literally screaming in my ear.

>>34110669
Poor bloke, the feeling of shame when you launch on makes you want to just turtle inside your helmet and never come out.
More Isaac? Alright one more before I pop off, more tomorrow if the threads still up.

1/2

> doing our first tab under the watchful eye of the most bipolar PTI the world has ever known
> can be the nicest bloke one minute and the biggest cunt the next
> tab starts off fairly easy, only 15kg in bergens and rifle, no webbing or helmets
> get to the aptly named A&E Hill (pirbright lads cue a spinal spasm)
> this fucker smiles gleefully
> 'PREPARE TO DOUBLE'
> oh lord...'Prepare to double!'
> 'DOUBLE MARCH!'
> Fucker starts sprinting up this big bastard hill
> other PTIs screaming about closing the gaps
> I started in the second to last row but have somehow made my way to the second row from the front
> get to the top of the hill and go back into quick march
> just as we get our breath back the PTI starts running again
> 'IF YOURE NOT WITH ME YOURE LATE!'

Cont.

File: caboose.jpg (140KB, 736x1124px) Image search: [Google]

140KB, 736x1124px

>>34110720
cont.
Two weeks later we were deployed,
> This bloke was an half jumpy
> He called in an airstrike from an F15
> danger close doesn't quite cut it
> half the building we were in collapsed from the shockwave

We had this pretty clumsy EOD bloke with us who we called Bumble, he went to school with our dear sergeant.
According to the sgt:
> He lost his sense of smell sniffing ammonia in science class
> knocked himself out on the posts scoring the winning try in rugby
> shot himself doing the terminator trick with a winchester
> ND'd himself in the foot with a sidearm
He used to come out with the most stupid shit too he was caboose from RVB reincarnate
Top notch bloke though, THE MOST GENUINE GUY I HAVE EVER MET, and despite having no hair was a woman magnet.
> Get this new daily task for patrol
> Between this hedgerow and these fences the taliban were putting IEDs
> We're to go down there with bumble and he's going to clear it
> get there
> have these brand spanking new mastiffs at the other end of this "alley" to extract to
> Bumble gets to work in his bomb suit Pulling and snipping wires
> he yanks out the dets and they explode in his hand and he disappears under dust,
> the dust settles and we're screaming out to him
> "I'm fine" he says like it was nothing
> Sgts. on point with the scattergun as we're making our way down this narrow path and i'm behind him
> others are maybe 20m behind me
> there's a puppy on the other side of the fence
> Sgt takes a knee and pets the pup "who's a cute pup?" one of the rare times i saw him being a softie
> theres dogshite all over the place
> we continue another 20 m
> hear a dog bark, Sweetwater scream and a long burst of about 50 gunshots
> all of them snapping as they pass us

>>34110820
2/3

> all run after him, hanging out our arses but we get there
> 30 second water break then turn back around and march back
> march back down the hill, the finish line is in sight
> sighs of relief all around
> one gobby cunts voice sails over the platoon
> 'thank fuck man that was so shit'
> the unmistakeable voice of Isaac
> PTIs ears perk up like a cat smelling fresh milk
> we get to the bottom of the hill
> 'Ok well done lads, we actually came in under time, good effort'
> 'But now, thanks to the lad at the back...platoon, about turn'
> we're now facing back up the hill
> you can almost hear everyones optimism drop out their arses and hit the tarmac
> 'youre going to sprint up to the corporal, around him, and then jog back down' (corporal was at least 200 metres up this hill)
> 'Standby...standby...GO!'
> cue mad dash up to the top, a few lads get clattered by rifles or bergens to the face
> everyone jogs back down sweating like a para in a spelling test

Cont.

>>34110864
3/3

> 'Hmm I dont think youve learned your lesson. Standby, standby, GO!'
> everyone summons all their strength and somehow gets up this hill and back down
> 'Alright, who wants to go again? How about you gobby? (isaac)'
> 'no staff'
> 'thats not the attitude were looking for...standby...GO!'
> people are visibly fighting inner demons on the way up to keep their legs moving
> honestly thought I was gunna shit myself
> manage to get back down
> 'Ok lads, anyone changed their mind? Anyone want to go again?'
> everyone by this time looks like theyve spent a few months in interrogation and has resigned themselves to their fate
> 'YES STAFF' in unison
> 'Good. Now, you see that chain link fence at the top of the hill? I want you to sprint up and touch it then come back down.'
> honestly thought someone was gunna swing for him
> 'standby, STANDBY...ok turn around, we're going in'
> sighs of relief all round

We also got 3 guys sent to A & E in that one session, one fucked his back, one snapped his hamstring and another snapped his calf. Fun times..

>>34110732
If it helps he got backtrooped so hard hes probably in the Boer war right now

>>34109686
No thx sheepshagger

>>34110722
He was black and sounded ghetto, so it was probably out of the fear that if he didnt some cunt would call racism. At the same time we were there there was another troop in the block that was all girls, one possible man/girl/thing and a lot of coloured fellas, so of course we nicknamed them Rainbow or Diversity platoon. They had the easiest fucking ride ever, it was shameful.

>>34110764
> fucks given: absolutely none

I would pay money to see this

>>34110820
>A&E Hill
Fuck. That. Hill.

If we're talking about the same hill (outside the gate, by the ranges? The one that's like a 1:2 incline, with concrete reinforcements so it doesn't landslide every time it rains?) we called it Heartbreak Hill.

Fuck that hill and fuck Cpl Norton.

File: 20170530_-542896876.jpg (44KB, 400x238px) Image search: [Google]

44KB, 400x238px

>>34110876
Please sir may I have some more

>>34110852
cont.
> hear these rounds snapping past us
> Some tracers too
> We pick ourself off the desk and double it back to the others,
> Bumble and sweetwater are on the floor
> Sgt demands an answer.
> Sweetwater didn't notice the puppy,
> the puppy barked at him
> made him jump
> he sought cover in the dog shite
> as he was flying through the air, he decided to expend about 50 rounds of 556 from his minimi/saw in front of him
> bumble was in front of him
> Bumble got off lucky the folded bomb suit on his back took three hits and he took a scratch from the ear lobe
> Sgt unloaded Sweetwaters weapon and dragged him to the mastiffs and throws him in the back
> mastiff guys ask if everythings fine as they took fire from our direction
> on the way back to base the mastiff driver asks
> "do you smell dogshite"
> "Kennedy landed in several piles"
> "are you having a fucking giggle we just got these brand fucking new, they're so new they had new car smell until that fucker mounted up".
> our sgt then ha the biggest one sided argument with out CO and it was gareed that he's stay back at the FOB from now on.
A couple weeks later we tarted having IT malfunctions all over the base, no comms back home no non existent internet few other things.
> kennedy disappears
get back to blighty Sgt takes me to meet his ex wife (a CP MP) whos sister (royal sigs) may have wanted to date me.
> At this date i'm talking to his former in law
> shes telling me about some idiot called kennedy who tried to download porn by piggybacking of skynet, which crashed the system
> Ask him if he was american
> she said yes he was a "comms specialist from the USMC"
my sgt looked at me, something broke inside him and he stormed out
i think that was the first and last time he ever wanted to see a therapist,

>super specialist medicfag in iraq
>this deployment is horseshit
>pulling rotations in the "aid station"
>literally an office room
>ansacs control the entire roll two except for us military personnel
>we have labeled door bells at front desk
>we play fuck fuck games with ansacs
>ansacs apparently turned off our doorbell
>myself, my ssg nco, and the cpt doctor just chillin with our tops off
>no fucks given today
>cpt decides to fuck with ansacs
>walking around with a bat
>general fuckery going on
>doc comes over to office
>interrupts our movie tiem
>"hey medic anon, there's some old fucker up front"
>"he's just standing there looking like a dipshit"
>"go ask that dipshit what he wants"
>yessir.jpeg
>throw on top and grab a clip board
>cpt goes back to general fuckery
>points his bat down the hallway
>"we'll be right with you"
>see the dude at front desk
>has his arms crossed
>walk up to him
>"how can i help you..."
>see his chest rank
>snap to attention
>"general?"
>dude just wants some meds for ankle pain
>i'll be right back with the doctor
>brisk walk back to office
>cpt still going on about fuckery
>"what does that dipshit want?"
>"it's a fucking one star, dude!"
>commence operation please don't article us
dude was an national guard brig gen. pretty chill as fuck guy though. we definitely took away the captain's bat privileges after that one though.

>>34110946
Theres one by the ranges and theres one past the parade square by the PFA route, ones called Heartbreak and ones called A&E from what I remember. Either way my heart sank whenever one came into view.

>>34110950
It is well past my bedtime but...Ill wrangle my brains for another of Isaacs shenanigans.

>>34109749
i goin to call bulshit on that check rog ghost rider

>>34110997
I left the Army a few years ago now, but I still pop into Pirbright now and then for my duties with the ACF.

I'll tell you what, not having to march around camp wearing a reflective belt of an evening leaves me feeling simultaneously free and scared. I'm convinced a red-faced shouty man is about to pop out of a window and grip me, or that I'm late for something and don't have the right kit.

>>34110970
> tried to download porn by piggybacking skynet
> crashed the system

Oh my fuck, my sides are fucking obliterated. Imagine being a Cs Op/EW op and making sure the pipelines clear and secure when suddenly..
> whys the system bugging out?
> its down to a crawl
> WHO THE FUCK IS DOWNLOADING BACKDOOR SLUTS 9 VIA FUCKING SATLINK?!?'

>>34106435
>rotc cadet assigned to platoon for summer training
>conducting urban ops at a mout site with like 20 buildings
>staying overnight, fucking lt tells us we're doing pt at 0600 before a full day of training
>call my team ldrs, issue opord to snatch the cadet
>squad ldr huddle before lights out, lt is pissed
>"where's my fucking cadet"
>you'll get him back when you cancel PT
>new first call 0800 for chow

>>34111035
> red faced shouty man

I both giggled and had my sphincter tighten in fear just at the thought. There was nothing worse than being on the parade square and realising youd left your slide on your bedside and you were in the front rank...standby to have your bollocks forcibly inverted with a rusty spoon.

How is it doing training for the ACF? I dont know anybody who was in cadets so I dont know much apart from memes.

>>34111065
>Rank slide.

Plz no. Though one chap left his beret in the scoff house and didn't clock it until his left boot struck the drill square for Coy Commander's inspection.

>Training for the ACF

So long as you remember it's not the Army, they don't train the same way as the Army and it's not the Army, it's actually quite fun. Sometimes slow and frustrating (Isaacs everywhere, just small and sniveling too) but actually rather rewarding.

As an adult the only real drama is dealing with petty Adult bullshit, but then I spent half my career as an NCO dealing with petty bullshit so I'm pretty numb to it.

>>34111058
> youll get him back when you cancel PT

Over here if we'd have done that, we would have had PT and a beasting right then until someone snitched on which sleeping bag/bin/cupboard we'd locked him in

>>34110852
Another bumble story

> His birthday
> getting absolutely shitfaced at the pub
> Everyone there must have bought bumble a drink
> all the regimental officers are there too for whatever reason
> Bumble is now too drunk to stand and needs to take a piss
> Me and the sgt grab drag him by the shoulders in the cubicle
> bumble refuses to sit down
> "i don't want to catch Sexually transmitted scurvy! I Aint sitting down"
> He drops his trousers and leans against the wall both hands but he can't even stand that straight
> me and sgt have to hold him up
> "Shake it"
> "no you shake it"
> "pull your trousers up"
> "thats pretty big" i say ironically
> "not as big as yours, let me have a feel" bumble
> "We need help"
> Hear the massive splash of someone pissing against the urinals
> "Jesus christ that bloke sounds like he has a big dick! he should come in here with us!" says bumble
> three of us burst out the cubicle
> At the cubicle is Battalion commander,
> Around the room are 3 other officers waiting to use the cubicle
> "Sirs!"
> Sgt drags bumble over to the sink, wash their hands and a captain helps him exit.
> i was so drunk i had to get the Battalion CO to wash my hands for me
hear officers laugh their heads off as we leave

Me, Sgt and bumble ended up pulling 4 birds so we take them back to bumbles place get even more drunk, it being bumbles birthday he gets two.
Sgt takes the living room and i take the kitchen (a personal preference)

About 4 in the morning i'm passed out on the floor of the kitchen, bumble stark naked sits down on a kitchen chair and stares at me or the bird i just banged for 20 mikes as he strokes his cock

Turns out one of the birds was one of the Company commanders Daughter (luckily not our CO), but no one would tell us which

>>34111107
Yeah fair enough, good on you for passing on the wisdom to the younger generations.

>>34111117
Not much a butter bar can do out in the field if the squad leaders stick together and the psg steps aside.

>>34111131
Bumble sounds like he would be right at home on /k/...

> the Coy Commanders daughter

You crafty devil you, I assume he didnt find out or you wouldnt be here today

>>34111141
Honestly there is a treasure trove of potential Greentext stories from the ACF, but I kind of feel it's cheating.

If you're still in, and can support, do it. You generally get paid, and half of it is sitting around whilst kids hero-worship you, and the staff will appreciate it.

Plus, if you're lucky like me you'll find the only attractive female member of staff and steal her for your own.

>>34111174
Sounds like a decent gig, ill have a think down the line a bit. If you fancy sharing any greentexts feel free, if not no worries mate.

>>34111035
>red-faced shouty man is about to pop out of a window and grip me

> be 2009 about 3 weeks after a herrick deployment
> Musa Qala cowboy town was a rough deal in '09
> on the grass outside our HQ for a family day picnic
> Outside are two guys leaning against the wall eyes closed, dozing armed crossed,
> Some officers from another regiment were visiting and walking towards the HQ
> they go through the entrance without any fuss
> the person who i can only assume was the RSM was following behind
> "Don't you ever Salute officers?"
> blokes on the doors slowly look up.
> "You listening to me? you slow pieces of shit"
> the bloke on the right said to him
> "listen here mate we've just done a stin..."
> "you not in the habbit of calling me sir?"
> the bloke on the left turns inside calls after the officers and salutes
> the bloke on the right turns to the RSM and says "you not in the habbit of saluting officers mr...?"
> the bloke on the right stood easy showing his rank slide and revealing himself to be a captain.
our own RSM went over to their RSM and threatened to give him the choice between paralytic and paraplegic

I also seem to remember when PCS was going through that whole Tucked/ Untucked/ tucked? phase of walking past and red-faced shouty man is about to pop out of a window and grip me and tell me i needed to untuck / tuck /untuck / tuck in about the space of 10mins. and two of the red faced shouty men seeming to have the same red face.

>>34111253
>I also seem to remember when PCS was going through that whole Tucked/ Untucked/ tucked? phase of walking past and red-faced shouty man is about to pop out of a window and grip me and tell me i needed to untuck / tuck /untuck / tuck in about the space of 10mins. and two of the red faced shouty men seeming to have the same red face.

So I left the Army just after this had all been sorted out, and I won't lie, I was occasionally the red-faced shouty man. But I did watch a certain Staffy correct the same man four times in one day when he was told different things (on purpose) by the SSM. On the fifth revision he ripped off his shirt, threw it on the floor of the sergeants mess and walked off mumbling something about barrack dress.


>>34111209

I won't do cadets, because they're kids and that's mean, but I'll happily do adults.

>Be running an Obstacle Course on a Military Skills competition weekend
>Everyone's favorite thing to do; CO & assorted officers are watching, cadets having a great time getting muddy
>One other instructor is also an Obs Cse Supervisor, is a bit narked I'm running it this weekend (he's also a Phase 2 washout with a massive chip) and is acting as my ack
>Decides he'll try to show me up in front of the cadets all weekend
>Doing stupid shit on the obstacles, but stops when pips and crowns appear
>Starts using obstacles that are out of bounds to us (high level stuff)
>I shout up that he knows he shouldn't be on the course without a helmet
>He laughs and says it doesn't matter
>CO appears from behind the 12ft wall
>Next instant, he slips on the high boards, bonks his noggin and falls about 10 feet, landing in a limp heap
>CO pauses, looks at me, looks at him, looks at the obstacle and simply says "Staff Thompson I do wish you weren't such an insufferable cunt."
>I'm trying to stifle explosive laughter as I summon the blood wagon

Prologue

> 2014
> Cyber counter intelligence unit
> Spending my time in detention because some BS
> Tl:dr about the detention: broke a laptop with stolen data on my mate's cunt head cause he's a cunt
> It's Independence Day celebrations, so might as well find the other Les Misérables that got stuck in the base while everyone else is on leave
> Comms battalion turns out to have quite the jolly bunch
> We send a bro-tier officer to the city to buy some snacks and drinks (wasn't bro enough for actual alcohol, though), stole some deactivated dish off the roof of the intelligence unit's building, caught the right frequency and connected it all to a projector in an abandoned briefing room to watch some good old nostalgic movies while lying on blankets and old tables
> Most iconic scene comes up, where the soldiers sing about how everything will be alright
> I'm sitting and singing along
> A total qt suddenly puts her head in my lap
> I'm a relatively good looking guy, and generally self-confident, but girls and everything related to them is my Achilles's heel
> I'm just trying to ignore her so that my boner won't poke her head through my uniform
> She cuddles further in- rubbing the back of her head against my dick
> Full inner-panic mode in a "I need an adult" stage

> Fast forward few months: bunch of terrorists kidnap 3 teens, causing a massive scale search&rescue operation
> 2 weeks later, a Hamas unit meets the only thing stronger than a little boy's wish, while attempting a slaughter spree in a small town by infiltrating it via a tunnel dug from Gaza
> S is about to HTF
> No orders yet, and most officers are at home anyway, but I already know that I'm going to work a lot with the cryptographics unit- so I go there immediately to save time
> It's a small 2 rooms structure: room with 2 beds and room with tools/instruments/computers
> A girl opens the door and lets me in. It's the same qt from before

>>34111429
Chapter 1

>" Anon, I was hoping that you will come"
> -"Sure, shtf is upon us, lots of work that we need to coordinate"
> "That's not the reason. For months now you just don't get the hints, but a rocket barrage might kill us in few hours so I will spell it for you: I want you to fuck me so hard that it will brake any opsec directive you lectured me about when I first arrived at the base"

Looking back, screwing on a table filled with radios and tactical computers wasn't the most comfortable choice, especially since there beds in the next room, nor it was very nice because whoever got those tools had to deal the smell of sweat and pussy stuck to them

> knock on the door
> security camera shows it the Champion (3/4 star general)
> I jump into the coding machine closet while she covers herself and opens (better be covered in just a blanket than make him wait)
> "Hello there, I hope that you're aware of recent events, so I just wanted to make sure that you're alright and that everything will be ready on time"
> Perhaps it's the smell, the mess in the room, her fucked up look, or all of them, but it's clear that he understood what was just going on a moment ago
> "Ok, finish blowing off steam, but then I want everything in tip top condition. And no more bullshit- I'll be watching you"
> Relieved, I exit the closet (pun unintended) as he leaves
> As we clean everything up, she asks if I have any special requests for next time
> "Well, I always had this little fetish towards operators"
> "I mean, the gear, the weapons- stick all that shit on a girl and it will be the hottest thing ever"

>>34111433
Chapter 2

Days go by. I run back and forth between office work in the base and questioning people on the field.
Deployed- Destroyed- Enjoyed.- Gaza 2014. Fun times.

> One of more intense days of the fighting comes up, aka the Black Friday event
> Stay on a 50 hours shift
> As I'm about to collapse, my CO tells me that she got me a room in a hotel that was volunteered them to soldiers on leave, and that I can go there for 16 hours
> I get there, just toss the uniform on the floor and drop dead on the bed.
> Next thing I remember is waking up in bed with my hands zip tied
> There's some kind of a wired mesh seen from under the blanket
> "Oh, good you're awake" I hear as I feel pressure being taken off my pines and the the qt stands on the bad...
> ... With full combat gear on: helmet, Mitznefet (the mushroom helmet cover), balaclava, plate carrier, full mags, mall ninja tacticool m16 with Mepro sight, flashlight and a bipod/forgrip combo, hip holster with a Jericho, kneepads, boots- and no pants or shirt. Only her panties- were the logo of the Comms corp was printed
> Where are the weapon caches? She asked and stepped on my chest
> I'm still kinda spaghetti at this point, so I only mumble "w-what?"
> "Guess that I'll have to take it out of you by force you mother fucker" she proceeds as she starts powering water on my face from a bottle and then sits on my dick and starts to ride it furiously

>>34111438
Chapter 3

> She keeps "interrogating" me that way
> She then pulls out a commando knife out of the vest and cuts the zip ties on my hands
> I then grabbed her by the throat, pushed her over to the floor and got on top of her
> Now she starts saying "yea, rape me like I'm your POW"
> "Fuck me like the IDF Zionist whore that I am" was among the shouts
> At this point I took off her helmet and pulled down the balaclava- only to find her face fully covered in green and black camo paint
> As a reminder that we're at war, an actual rocket alarm goes off
> "Sweety, it's all cool, but we should get into the shelter or at least the safety stairs room"
> To which the response was, and I quote: "if you dare to pull out, I will fucking shoot you and shove the gun so far up your asshole that the barrel sticks out of your mouth and I can disguise the gun as a human"
> And so, with muffled booms from the Iron Done intercepting the rockets, at least I remember it happening in same time, I start cumming all over her gear and gun

That was perhaps the best sex that I had, perhaps the best I will ever have.
Hell, and some point she was aiming the gun at me, and I'm somewhat sure that it was loaded.

And that's where the story ends: I got back to the base at the nick of time. Operation Protective Edge was soon over. I dated her for 6 more months until we parted on good terms and as occasional fuck buddies.
The end.

>>34111452
That was.....fucking incredible.

10/10 you mad bastard

>>34111433
>>34111438
>>34111452
Please be true

>>34111433
>>34111438
>>34111452
I remember this story, I get a boner every time.

>>34111174
cheers for volunteering for specky cunts like me

>>34111438
My girlfriend wears stockings, suspenders, strappy bra - the works - under her uniform when we're on duty together.

I know this because she sends me snapchats as she's getting dressed.

But this is better.

File: 1495115318758.gif (115KB, 326x208px) Image search: [Google]

115KB, 326x208px

>>34111429
>>34111433
>>34111438
>>34111452

>>34111535

You must be 18+ to post on 4Chan.

>>34111563
jokes on you i am.

>>34110014

Proving you can fight and fuck in puffy nylon space suit looking cold weather gear.

Also a reminder to not put your skivvies on backwards or the ginger marauder may just accept the invitation.

File: 1447196276756.gif (2MB, 500x281px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 500x281px

>>34110979
>>"what does that dipshit want?"
>>"it's a fucking one star, dude!"

>>34106435
God damn am I glad these threads are back. Haven't seen much of this since before Sandy hook.

>>34106435
>be me at BCT at Ft. Benning
>just did 8k ruck to obstacle course
>entire company is eating UPU in in a square formation (separated by platoon)
>there's a giant (6'5) manchild in 4th plt
>crying in formation about how his feet hurt
>his Ranger scrolled infantry DS hears him and perks up
>DS calmly asks him if he's ever heard of Sputnik
>large dumb bitchmade pvt says no DS
>DS explains that Sputnik was the first satellite to that humanity put into space
>DS asks, do you know what sound Sputnik made as it orbited?
>No DS
>it went boop...boop...boop...
>you are now Sputnik pvt, go orbit the formation
>makes him sprint laps with his M16 above his head yelling boop! Boop! Boop!

File: 1494184058130.gif (456KB, 160x159px) Image search: [Google]

456KB, 160x159px

>>34110979
>>"what does that dipshit want?"
>>"it's a fucking one star, dude!"

File: 1496179708054.png (257KB, 600x579px) Image search: [Google]

257KB, 600x579px

>>34111667
>be overnight manager
>right hand man is old marine vet
>other guys also retired service
>tfw every night is like a greentext thread

>>34107118
>Nuclear caterpillar
>Muh sides

>>34110056

>Out in the field for exercises
>Officers decide we need night nav training
>Happen to be pissing next to a few officers and overheard the plan
>They were setting up ambushes along the "routes" they were handing out
>They were hoping for a big surprise
>Same area we had been to many times
>Old road ran outside of the entire area right by the end point of excercise
>Spread the word around about the ambush and bypass
>Head off into the night just far enough to cut over and catch the road
>Jog past all of the ambushes to end point
>No one there, they are all at the ambush points
>Everyone gets some sack time
>Officers come dragging in at around dawn
>Been wandering around looking for us so they could ambush us
>Officers come up wanting to no how we got >We convinced them that they had gotten lost and the rest of us had obviously followed the route because we were at the proper end point
>They bought it and never scheduled anymore night navs to keep from "getting lost" again

>>34111526
Glad you like it. Got a few other cool stories as well, non are sexual though.
>>34111526
It's a recollection from memory, plus it's meant to be an interesting read, so I perhaps prettied-up some stuff, but the core details are told as they happened.
>>34111551
Sounds hot. Congrats on the find.

File: hippocrit.png (578KB, 933x603px) Image search: [Google]

578KB, 933x603px

>>34110764
I have no reaction image to convey how hard I laughed at this so have some OC I made.

File: im_so_british.jpg (86KB, 840x780px) Image search: [Google]

86KB, 840x780px

>>34110593
>>34110720
>>34110852
>>34110970
>>34111131

Bump because these are my favorite threads

File: 1444410804859.jpg (5KB, 266x190px) Image search: [Google]

5KB, 266x190px

>>34107118
>nuclear caterpillar

>>34109686
Sure, fuck it.

Here's a story from BCT at Sill.
>Be dumbfuck PVT2
>Finished all the grad requirements except Urban Ops
>Hyped as fuck we're going to be clearing buildings and shit at what was called, "Little Chicago"
>Whoever named it must have done it ironically as the building were fairly new
>DS giving us a briefing on how to deal with any potential "threats"
>"If you see wires hanging out of the fucker, shoot him. Ask questions later."
>After a brief demonstration of how to breach, we're set free to fuck around
>Team up with 3 guys (including myself) and 2 females
>Everybody is pretty chill except this one chick
>Let's call her Sofia
>We just finished clearing 2 structures and we're starting to get the hang of it
>"Hey guys, we got some dude walking towards us."
>It's obviously a DS, but he's dressed up in "local" attire
>Yell at him to freeze and put his hands in the air
>DS keeps moving towards us
>"This is your final warni- fuck, he's got wires! BANG BANG BANG!"
>Sofia starts yelling at me that we can't shoot him
>Tell her he could have a bomb on him and the wires are obviously exposed
>DS wonders off
>Ditch that group and join another
>DS sneaks up on a trainee and "takes them hostage"
>We're yelling at him to let him go and such
>DS let's go, backs away and, begins to fumble with his clothes
>Again wires, we open fire and "kill" him
>Fucked around the rest of the time afterwards
>AAR
>DS says he would have died, had we been in agreement that we would have shot him and would've left us alone
Some people aren't cut out for the military.

File: 1464887635174.jpg (26KB, 540x540px) Image search: [Google]

26KB, 540x540px

>join army as 19D, active
>get paid to sleep in the back of hopelessly run down, "has not been used for training in 5 years because it can't stay off of deadline status for more than 24 hours" bradleys
>play videogames 8 hours a day and drink alot
>go back home after 3.5yrs with enough money to be full NEET for a good 2 years
>get thanked for my service by random people and family on memorial day
>still on the fence with whether i should just kill myself when i start seeing triple digits instead of 5 digits
>to be continued

>>34114272
Bitch just invest that money in property, rent and live the neet life.

>inna Korea
>just turned 21 and was looking forward to the mother of all parties over the weekend
>spent the entire day getting trashed at bars
>had to leave early when fuckin Songtan Sally of all people came up to me and kept pulling on my arm, so I splashed my beer in her face and called her a faggot
>we decided to head back to base and hit up the bowling alley for some drunken bowling
>I don't remember much from this point on, but apparently we ended up in the lane next to the base Wing Commander and his family.
>we started to play this game where every time one of us made a gutter ball, we'd all jump up on the chairs and call the person a fucking loser.
>the Wing king eventually got tired of us being unruly around his small children, so he politely asked us to leave
>I wasn't having any of it because it was my birthday of course. So I pretended like I was going to walk away, then turned around and said
>FUUUUCK YOUUUU, BIIIIIIITCH to a full bird Colonel
>we all ran out the door and partied at the dorms until somebody accidentally set the smoke pit on fire

The best part was I had no idea most of that happened until about a week later when I got called into my flight chief's office where I was 'highly encouraged' to refer myself to ADAPT

Fucking Korea man... Either your career or your life will end there.

>>34107118
drawfag when

>>34110819
fucking KEK

>>34110272

If this were a surface ship sure, but a submarine?

>>34110272
>>34114838

I heard something like this, but it was a kuala, and inside the kuala was ketamine.

>>34110720

> He goes up the gantry and freezes at the gaps between planks
Fuck, I've had this the first time. I have no fear of hights, love rockclimbing and wallclimbing, but the gantry messed me up for a bit.

>>34110400
Things in sandland like to suicide at troops.

>super fuzzy medicfag at ait
>fort sam houston is fucking tits
>we get phase 5 patches so weekend's are free
>still have to wear class b's off post
>still have 2100 final formation
>still can't drink or smoke
>six flags is doing a half off military weekend
>hell fucking yeah
>underage medicbros want booze
>too easy for booze legal me
>they give me huge list of booze
>sneak off post in civies
>head down town to liquor store
>literally buy like 2 gallons of liquor
>meet up with medicbros
>pour all our booze into non alcohol containers
>they change clothes and put uniforms in a backpack
>hide booze under uniforms
>get into six flags
>proceed to get hammered
>riding rides and getting fucked up on cheap liquor
>medicbro 1 and me smoke cigs
>decide to get a pic on roller coaster with cigs in mouth
>grab some cigs while in the coaster
>my drunk ass tries to light the smokes
>can't get it lit in time
>get off the ride and park pd waiting
>get interrogated by park pd
>threaten to kick me out
>let me off with a warning
>still follow me around the park though
>can't drink or smoke
>day is winding down to an end
>we finally decide to leave
>still a shit ton of booze left though
>commence operation drink as much as possible
>still not enough
i was such a fucking drunk during my time in.
continued

>>34115755
cont.
>get dropped off back onto post
>everyone is hammered
>trying to be cool getting back to our b's
>medicbro 2 still has like a half gallon of booze
>have to sneak it up to his b's room
>pass by like 8 nco's
>we fucking 99z combat ninjas bro
>we have like 10 mins to get our shit together
>everyone has to shave shit shower
>get into pt uniform for formation
>1 minute warning
>start to sprint downstairs
>everyone just chilling in formation
>literally 10 seconds late
>female instructor nco drops me
>holy shit i'm so fucking busted
>other dudes start to show up late
>i'm so fucked it's ridiculous
>she "smokes" us for like 5 mins
>booze still sloshing in my stomache
>sweating bullets
>tells us to get into formation
>i'm so fucking lucky
>medicbro 1 shows up late as fuck
>faceplants running up to formation
>oh shit we're so fucked
>chill instructor nco picks him up
>projectile vomit
>chill instructor nco knows what's up
>"medicbro 1 has a stomache virus"
>"someone help me get him up"
>they load him into the duty van
>take him to clinic
>oh shit we so fucked
>formation breaks and we go to our b's rooms
>sleep off the booze
>wake up for first formation the next day
>see medicbro 1 and 2
>medicbro 1 almost had to get a stomache pump
>threw everything up instead
>records showed he had eaten bad chinese
>got food poisoning
>was given a pass for quarters
>medicbro gave his booze to someone
>not fucked after all
>next day we have whisky classes again
>chill instructor nco gives us a speech
>"i know exactly what happened to medicbro 1"
>"don't eat bad chinese food"
>"especially not a lot of it"
>"especially not in liquid form"
>"especially not while still in training"
>"don't eat chinese food"
>i proceeded to drink every weekend i could
we dodged a huge fucking bullet with that one. we could've been articled for alcohol or nicotine and yet we showed up to formation reeking of liquor.

>FIBUA with Americans
>their C/S are all snakes
>I believe the OC was King Cobra, and took it all very seriously
>we went along with it
>open net
>all the snakes call in
>"Viper"
>"Copperhead"
>"Python"
>Long pause
>"Trouser" - in a British accent

They had no idea and "Come in Trouser" and other things were bandied around for the duration of the exercise to much giggling.

>>34109749
Be USAF in 1982-83 in Germany. Convoy accidents were common enough for training films of tanks crushing autos to be a thing. Dumbass car drivers weren't super common, but thousands of tracks and tanks at play during REFORGER meants shit's gonna happen.

OP is likely not bullshitting since the modern EU culture of all butthurt all the time was not in place.

>>34109675
only if you knew

>>34110014
to scare off possible snipers looking at you

Im back if anyone wants more tales of Isaac.

File: would you like to hear more.gif (940KB, 627x502px) Image search: [Google]

940KB, 627x502px

>>34115880
please do

>>34115825
> 'trouser this is python, come in trouser'
> 'I repeat, come in trouser, over'
> 'whats that mate? You in a bit of a sticky situation?..tehehehe'

Kek I can only imagine, pity you hadnt called the FOB Trousers just for the calls of 'Python is in Trousers', 'Python now leaving trousers'

>>34115880
Do eet

>>34115835

It wasn't too long ago a Chally ran over a civvie car in Germany.

>>34115880
Yes.

When are all these set, I meant to ask? A few people I was in with ended up as DS at Pirbright post 2014 so I'm intrigued if they know of these stories...

>>34115915
There was an RTC involving a Scimitar and a civvy wagon on SPTA less than a year ago.

>>34106435
>year 201x, stationed at XXX AFB. Got hurt in Afghanistan on the deployment before my PCS to current base. End up working the flight line despite injury, eventually get stuck in aircrew debrief. Cycle back to flight line, end up going back to debrief because they liked the data I generated enough to want me back there. Forever. Former TS vault is now my home and prison for 12 hours a day. At least the building is on the flightline, no hat, no salute, no customs area. Life is going to be ok.

>Occasionally summoned out to flightline to fix F16 or talk to pilot over ground comms. I hate F16s, why cant they be F-15s. Fix jet. Occasionally pilots will stand on ladder for extended periods of time, looking in jet before they get in, perhaps searching for god, or a reason why we all joined the Air Force. Activate trusty grease pencil. Draw a dick on the edge of their boot while they look. Maintainers do this to each other all the time. New game. Bonus Stage: Dick everyone. cue running in the 90s.

>No pilots will admit they have been dicked due to strong bro culture, but the dicks keep appearing. No one suspects me. Eventually I bag my greatest prize. A General. He is flying, he has flown for a bit now, I go out to his jet on a random call about an ECS hot light. Its a normal occurrence at this altitude. Dick his boot. He goes back for his second sortie. I go back to debrief.

>General comes in towards the end of the day, clearly burned out, stops by my desk, comes around cube wall. We chat about the flight, cool, then he stops and lifts his leg up, sets boot on my desk, relaxes on leg up. Starts grinding boot heel onto desk and cants his foot out enough to casually display dick boot. The game is on. I must not acknowledge the dick boot. we both know. He has to know. I start casually cleaning with my ubiquitous roll of brown paper towels as we keep talking. Its the end of the day, things are ok. We are ok right general?

>>34115973
>"accidentally" bump boot, smudging dick into oblivion. "you seem to have gotten some grease on your boot from the aircraft, or maybe the ladder sir." He looks down at the grease mark...seconds pass. "Seems I have. Hey, have a good night, I have paperwork to do." skip no beats "Will do, see you again, and have a good week."

>finish paperwork myself, clean my office/prison, ask pro-super if I may now be free. Its next shift pro-super. "Sure." Packing up to walk back to mountainview. As i leave the office I notice the dry erase board outside in the hallway has a dick on it, done in sharpie. Well played sir...well played.

File: pepe_laugh.jpg (24KB, 400x386px) Image search: [Google]

24KB, 400x386px

>>34115973
>dick boot

>>34115825
Reminds me of a Dit where we attempted joint ops with americans
> In FOB prior to going out and attacking this stronghold
> Getting briefed by a OPMI who had done close recon on this
> Explains the plan
> An american sergeant or sergeant major of some form gets up and interrupts this briefing
> Hes rambling on about they're going to conquer them
> They keep making this heaving vomiting noises
> this rant goes on for 45 mins
> The OPMI has to interject in his own briefing, Stating that now he's dont with his horse shit we need to knuckle down as due to this prick we've got only 15 mins to gear up and get into staging positions and await go code
> this seems to deflate the Americans after their build up
> getting into the wagons (mostly open top bullet boxes like snatches, LR WMIKs and jackals)
> Some of them downright refuse to mount up in our wagons because "there's no armour"
> OPMI Screams "ARMOUR IS FOR THE WEAK"
> Going down this MSR
> they're barely doing 30
> then we get to the bridge, and they can't cross the bridge in their wide arse humvees
> Desperately behind and now getting dicked by every goatfucker in the valley with a mobile
> We decide to ditch them to try and maintain the element of surprise so they can come in rescue us and act like they're the heros
> they take so long that we fight and capture this stronghold without them
> Manage to find them on comms,
> still at the fucking bridge but now pinned down and under heavy enemy fire
> dispatch 3 wagons to go back there and rescue them
> get there
> they're comms are a mess
> theyre all screaming at eachother
> all hiding behind their vehicles
> MOTHERFUCKING TO THE LEFT
> FUCKING LAST BELT!
> WERE FUCKED WERE SO FUCKED
> you would have thought they were outnumbered by vietcong 100 to 1
we turn up and we didn't observe them take a single shot

>>34115892
Ok here we go.

1/?

> fair amount of time into training, most people know the score by now
> dont answer back to staff, canteens full, march everywhere etc general rules
> go for PT one day
> form up and get marched down to the gym for some interval training
> get formed up inside the gym hall, in open order, and then caps off of canteens for inspection
> everyone knows that you have to have a full water bottle for PT and in general whenever you go anywhere just in case
> water of life and all that shite
> apart from our resident mong Isaac and a couple other spastics in the troop
> PTI walks down the formation checking water bottles
> anyone who knows PTIs know that they arent known for their bedside manner and calm demeanour
> 'Thats fine...fine...fine...fine...ARE YOU TAKING THE FUCKING PISS?!'
> A familiar mongy voice is heard 'Uhmm....no staff?'
> PTI launches into a torrent of 'HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES...IF YOU WERE OUT IN THE FIELD...HYDRATION...LITTLE CUNT'
> 'Sorry staff'
> 'Wait...didnt I pick you up for this last week?'
> 'Y-yes staff..'
> 'Fucking STANDBY.'

>>34116018
2/?

> Isaac and the other mongs get sent off to fill up their canteens
> we then go into the interval session, a good thrashing of a workout including sprints, burpees, crocodile push ups, leopard walks, general interval stuff
> everyone at the end is sweaty as fuck but happy from a decent workout and has completely forgotten about the canteen debacle
> get formed back up in open order
> PTI saunters over
> 'Good session lads. Now, we've actually finished a bit early today but...'
> Ohlordno.jpeg
> 'But because some of this troop still dont understand the importance of hygiene, we're going to do some burpees. And when I say we, I mean you lot.'
> forfuckssake.gif
> 'Right, if you give me 10 minutes of hard work, Ill let you go. You fuck around, we stay here longer. Remember, its mind over matter - we dont mind and you dont matter. Questions? No? Standby, standby...GO!'
> what ensues is the most horrendous 10 minutes of our lives
> after 1 minute youre sweating
> after 2 youre panting
> after 5 youre too numb to feel pain
> every one feels like its the last one you can do but you someone get down and do another, take a couple seconds reprieve and keep going
> PTI shouts '30 seconds left, good effort!'
> we manage to keep going for what felt like 3 minutes worth of 30 seconds
> 'OK stand up!'

>>34116032
3/3

> some people get up quick, some lurch their bodies up slowly while groaning
> 'Too slow, back down, 2 minutes!'
> general grumbling
> manage to power through
> 'OK stand up!'
> we all rocket upright like someone wired us up to the mains
> hear someone bitching in a whispered tone
> guess who
> 'IF YOUVE GOT THE FUCKING ENERGY TO TALK, YOUVE GOT THE ENERGY TO DO BURPEES! BACK DOWN!'
> one of the lads snaps and screams at Isaac 'WHY CANT YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?'
> 'THATS ANOTHER 2 MINUTES YOUVE EARNED YOURSELVES BOYS'
> thismotherfucker.bat
> he actually kept us going for about 5 more minutes until we are ready to vomit
> 'OK, stand up!'
> everyone manages to get up quickly and thankfully without a spoken syllable
> PTI waits for a second in silence
> '....good. it seems we all learned our lesson. If anybody fucks about next time, I wont go as easy as I did today'
> Isaac nearly gets lynched in the billets and has to go to the training office
> corporal looks visibly pained telling us not to pick on him when Im sure he would like nothing better than seeing Isaac ran out of camp by an angry mob

He got backtrooped shortly after that, thank fuck. I wouldnt be surprised if he was still in week 3 of basic training as we speak.

>>34115919
A couple years back now, theres a chance I could have been taught by your lads but our training team was 1 AAC sergeant, R Sigs captain, 3 sigs corporals and 1 royal anglian corporal, so unless youre a scaley its probably unlikely.

> Be inna gan '11
> Company is taking fire
> company is spread out over a river base about 300m long.
> the far right squad is lead by a polish guy
> His name was torersceweieczski
> nickname "Grom"
> torersceweieczski - Tor - thor norse god of thunder - thunder - polish for thunder is grom polish special forces unit name
> Anyway it gets relayed down the headset s that thier radio is dead
> CO looks at me tells me to grab our radio dude
> and take him to grom
> Take him half the way
> remaining 150 m is open ground and our radio guy was a fat fucker
> So i end up carrying this giant radio in a 150m sprint under fire.
> Get to groms section
> give radio to their radio guy
> thier radio has a steaming RPG in it.
> radio guy give the handset to grom
> he said he didn't need the radio any more
> puts it on company wide comms
> speaking polish because he's panicking
> The only words i picked up were Margarita and pepperoni
Have to sprint back across 150m of open ground again after he tried to order a pizza

>>34115997
What did that poor language ever do to you to make you abuse it so?

>>34116094
I found it made perfect sense m80, doth thou not speak the Queens english?

>>34116103
>they're
>they're
>they're
>they're
>they're

Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?

File: Screenshot_2017-05-28-10-40-31.png (521KB, 1280x720px) Image search: [Google]

521KB, 1280x720px

>>34116063
> far right squad

Could you say they were a...death...squad?

>>34116117
The only mistake I saw was
> they're comms
But that was it.

>>34116094
Dit - action or story
FOB - Forward operating base
OPMI - operative / operator Military intelligence
Rant - Ramble to continuously talk out of turn
Prick - A dick, a cock, but a small one
Staging position - where you go to get ready and wait for go code
Go code - telling people when they should start fighting or moving
Wagon - vehicle
Open top bullet box - anything open top and meant for reconnaissance (called a porcupine by insurgent groups as they're bristling with guns)
Snatch - A fanny A hilariously underarmoured land rover meant for riot duties, (to snatch and grab inciters) with a gopping (large) great big V8 engine for ramming fuckers off the road
LR - Land rover
WMIK - Weapon mounted installation kit (a gantry for mounting 3 machine guns)
jackal - armoured reconnaissance vehicle
MSR - main supply route

>>34116153
Cadet - You

>>34116161
Not him but I didnt know the cadets did adventure training in Helmand province...

>>34110731
>cleaning weapons that you don't use or know how to use because you're security forces

>>34111670
I would've paid money to see that, my sides

>>34116063
i will say us "yanks" are pretty trigger happy. but it seems like these dudes were just trying to get some bronze on their chest. i have a story about the seals told to me on deployment secondhand.

he listened to the comms as they were requesting apache air support in iraq after going black on ammo. the apache crews basically told them it wasn't going to happen with a 2 hour flight time after a scramble. sas apparently showed up with no incoming fire. they left their ammo with the seals and left after taking no fire for a couple of hours. as soon as they left though the seals start taking fire again and go black on ammo yet again. they get speedballed an ammo resupply during a lull in the firefight. they then come under fire yet again and go black on ammo a third time. apparently they got clearance for an airstrike and got a gbu dropped on the village that was attacking them.

i heard later they got reassigned to guard an iraqi dam that was being targeted by isil because of all the ruckus. never got real confirmation on the story though. it was always told second hand.

>>34116060
Ah, I'm RE so unlikely. Though tales of his mongdom may have spread.

>>34116018
>Canteens
Is this a new-age thing? Always referred to mine as a water bottle.

And if it wasn't full for inspection, it went flying, normally at night and normally over a fence.

File: mil-tec-bundeswehr-jacke-naesseschutz-flecktarn.jpg (518KB, 1500x1500px) Image search: [Google]

518KB, 1500x1500px

>>34106435
I have only retard stories from the basic military service

>be me
>be in navy infantry basic training
>basically german mariens but way more shit
>there is this one guy, he was like the biggest tool
>a nice guy
>but always fucked shit up
>lets call him Hans


>get waked up early in the morning 4 a'clock
>"A REISEEE A REISEEE" is screamed by our sgt to wake us up
>have like 5 minutes to get your clothes on and get in formation in front of barracks
>its raining
>all in formation
now you have to know, we have two different jackets.
Like one normal weather jacket and a rain-jacket
>have people wear the rainjacket half people the normal jacket
>gets screamed on by sgt
>"WHAT YOU IDIOTS DOIN"
>"NOT ALL WAERING SAME SHIT"
>obviously he is not ok with it
>"GET BACK UP AND PUT ON SAME JACKETS"
>"SINCE YOU ARE HALF PUSSIES ALL PUT ON RAIN-JACKET"
>have one min to go back in barracks and put on rain-jacket
>hans was waring normal jacket
>after one min all come back with rain-jacket
>except hans
>hes still wearing the normal jacket
>sgt checks him out "WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"
>he is literrally wearing the normal jacket BUT TWICE
>hes wearing two normal jackets over each other
>kek.jpg

>>34116177
If you take some of them at their word they have seen more action than most regular soldiers.

We have a Coy OC (this is in the ACF) who was a Platoon commander with the RGR and did some sneaky stuff with SFSG - one of the cadets tried to school him on small unit tactics when he was doing a fieldcraft lesson. Arrogant fucks.

File: Brian and that damn carpet.jpg (129KB, 806x815px) Image search: [Google]

129KB, 806x815px

Inna Gan
> in FOB
> get tip off that MPs are coming up to inspect our FOB for contraband
> Alcohol, pills, porn mags, guns, private purchase knives, fireworks.
> Women also have "sexual health supplies" to "Distribute to locals" quietly given to them by brigade
> Get section together
> Sgt tells us to grab whatever contraband we have and stick it in the container we use for ammo
> Funnyiest thing is our sgt had the most.
> He was an alcholic with PTSD who had a substantive pistol collection "for techint to look over", a couple of Enfields and he had a 5m long blue - gold afghan rug he bought at the bazaar
> Being his 2IC we run a room inspection
> "Erm sarn't i have something thats erm...
> A certain Female lance corporal had a midget inflatable sex doll in her room
> Called brian
> Sgts mind goes into overload
> he just stares at it
> It went in the container with the rest of the stuff.
> our lingo lemming turns up with goats (he was actually a local goat herder, we also had a couple of gurkhas)
> In the container it goes
> sgts carpet was rolled up into a cammo net and put on the vehicles
> MPs come and find jack shit
> Mortar fire incoming
> First mortar actually hits us (this is the first time we ever suffered a direct hit
> Massive explosion
> Blood & body parts everywhere
> Everyone calls in Ok, no injuries,
> Everyone huddles round the smoking heap of a container
> Snowing strips of porno mags
> Head back to room & notice something on the roof
> its brian the midget sex doll
> Not a single scratch, still inflated.
> Somehow he must have been thrown clear of the container
he ended upstrapped to the front of our jackal for the rest of deployment as a sign of good luck
> nothing bad ever happened in that vehicle
Pic related
Brian and Sgts Carpet

>>34116245
Yeah the 58 plastic bit is the bottle
the metal jacket it comes in for brew is canteen,

>>34116450
Metal jacket?

I was issued with 2x 58 pattern water bottles w/plastic mug in 2008 and all of my nigs had the same up until I left in 2014. I wasn't aware this had changed at all.

File: 1487194507002.png (385KB, 368x447px) Image search: [Google]

385KB, 368x447px

>>34111670

>>34116491
Plastic?
My ones stainless steel, having a look about the web, theres an aftermarket "crusader" cup that i must have picked up from somewhere. Maybe it was something i picked up from depot or regiment.

Never actually used the 58 for anything other than kit inspections because they leak all over the place

File: NATO-Bottle-and-Cup-LRG.jpg (47KB, 550x412px) Image search: [Google]

47KB, 550x412px

>>34116563
>leak all over the place
Check yo' seals, anon. I had a 58 bottle manufactured in 1987 and it never dripped a drop.

Man, this makes me feel old.

>>34116450
In Burgerland the very old military-specific meaning of canteen is the usually belt-worn, water container while the ubiquitous civilian bottled water is in "water bottles".

http://www.ebay.com/itm/WW1-WW2-Canteens-/332240534396

Confusingly, canteen can also mean

>a restaurant provided by an organization such as a military camp, college, factory, or company for its soldiers, students, staff, etc.
synonyms: restaurant, cafeteria, refectory, lunchroom, mess hall
"the staff canteen"

>>34116657
With or without CBRN top?

Are you old enough to remember GBB, jetpacks, Mk6 bowl, ECBA, DILAC, Zoggs, S10 & snatch?

Because "the old boy" is often at the receiving end of some form of remark from other members of the platoon for having being able to tell everyone how good thier kit is

>>34116734
na we know that, as you can see we have been with burgers before, its just unusual for someone british to use the term canteen instead of bottle.

>>34116103
>I found it made perfect sense m80, doth thou not speak the Queens english?

lmao, burger here. This reminds me of an incident in the UK where we were on a joint exercise with Brits and a few former Soviet countries.
>random quasi-slav officer says to Brit major "why is ther American English and British English?"
>Brit major says "no mate, there is only english, it's in the name"
>quasi-slav looks confused as hell and just walks away

i've got time for one more atm
>super specialist medicfag at jrtc
>i'm in evac squad of the aid station
>most the unit already out in the box due to air assault mission
>the rest of us are convoying out
>medic bro didn't have his rhino mount
>gave him mine because i wasn't supposed to drive
>plt sgt briefs us
>"blah blah blah...sp at 2200...make sure your nods are up"
>"drivers will be medic bro, medic anon, blah blah blah"
>wtf.jpeg
>"but sergeant, i thought i was medic for truck 1"
>"you have a license, you drive"
>not a big problem, just need to get a spare rhino mount
>snatch my truck's medic
>take his rhino mount
>"what if i need it?"
>"you're in the back bro, you have the cab lights"
>pack up, gear up, and prep the trucks
>we have literally everything to use for the next 2 weeks in these trucks
>5 medical vics, with about 20 medical personnel
>plt sgt, provost doc, and evac squad nco are main leadership for convoy
>we leave my truck and medic bro's truck empty for casualties
>one of our vics is an lmtv with the aid station packed
>we stage at the rp 3 hours before sp
>time for the xo's convoy brief
>12 vics more or less in this convoy
>we have hhc main, ops smaj, and the xo
>it's still the xo's gig though
backstory: xo was a borderline retard. great desk worker and was good with bureaucracy, but fucking retarded in the field
>plan is sp at 2200, travel 30 clicks to our support company ao
>refuel and travel another 20 clicks to to hhc ao
>xo up front, mortar plt behind him, ops smaj behind them, supply behind him, medics in the rear
>what could go wrong?
cont.

>>34116734
And if you're Scottish, it's an exclamation of an inability to do something.

>>34116768
Without. Bought one of the new ones (by accident) when I joined the ACF, and fuck me it's shit.

>GBB
Don't recall it - may have known it as something else?
>Jetpacks
Huge part of my Phase 1 + 2 training (and then the first thing I replaced when I got to my regiment with a tasty Berghaus Munro which I still have today. That dates me, too.)
>Mk6 bowl
I was issued a Mk7 in about 2011, had a Mk6a before that. Fucking awful pieces of heavy shit. I was then issued a random second Mk7 about six weeks before I left. I still have that.
>ECBA
Yup, though that's still a thing unless you're infantry.
>DILAC
A little before my time, that was more of a 90's thing I believe
>Zoggs
Again, can't remember
>S10
Yup. GSR didn't come in until after I'd left I don't think.
>Snatch
Thankfully, being an Engineer, I never had to make use of them, but I saw enough. First SSM had some nasty burns from being trapped in a burning snatch during early Op Telic.

>>34116911
Fuck me I'm old.

>>34116911
I don't remember what the actual name for them was, but you bongs had these mini gaiters that just covered the tip of your boots to keep your toes warm. I bought some off a surplus website and wore them during convoys and they were max comfy. Everyone in my truck was mirin

>>34116911
>>34116917
> gay before bed
i told someone 10 years younger than me about it and i got pulled into the COs office.
> I used Jetpacks on OP banner
> I was old enough to remember before Amour was mandatory
> I have an MTP DILAC that i still wear
> At one point they issued ZOGGs swimming goggles for iraq then they issued out Steiner ski goggles
> S10 was shite compared to GSR
> Used snatch on banner and dawn raids in basra I got a mate in 33rd EOD and they were still using Snatch fairly recently

fuck me i'm ancient

>>34116900
cont.
>we sp and go to the support company ao
>xo can't find them
>xo thinks he overshot the fuelers
>doesn't say anything
>we end up going through another companies checkpoint
>this can't be right
>travel 2 clicks down the road
>ops smaj calls a halt and xo turns us around
>takes like 20 minutes but we all finally get turned around on this tiny ass dirt road
>go back through the checkpoint
>xo calls a convoy halt
>evac squad nco on the comms
>i ask him what the fuck is the hold up
>he says that we're getting our bearings
>i ask if we should dismount and provide perimeter?
>evac squad nco asks plt sergeant over plt comms
>"negative we're on a time crunch"
>90 fucking minutes pass
>dudewtf.jpeg
>i said fuck it and decided to play music on my phone for the past hour
>we're jamming out waiting on convoy
>squad nco finally gets comms from ops smaj
> i ask what's going on
>"supply nco fell asleep at the wheel during convoy halt"
>"convoy has been split for the last hour"
>holy shit this is retarded
>entire convoy links back up
>kingoftheroad.jpeg
>we move like 3 clicks down the road to a fork
>turn down the fork and head like a half a click down it
>xo is wondering where the fuck the fuelers are
>ops smaj is organizing everyone on the convoy
>total fucking mayhem on comms despite no op4 contact
>we finally run into another check point
>xo figures out where we need to be
>we need to turn around yet again
>this road is thinner than the last one and has ditches
>two vics get stuck
>one of them is the aid station's lmtv
>xo asks if convoy can leave them at the check point
>ops smaj has had enough of this shit
>dismounts and starts ripping people from vics
>he gets the convoy restaged and ready to go in like 8 minutes flat
>everyone remounts and convoy goes back to the fork in the road
>xo realizes this is the rp for the fuelers
>but the fuelers aren't there
>time for a great idea
>xo leads the entire convoy innawoods
i really needed a beer after this one
cont.

>>34116961
It does kind of embarrass me to some extent that despite spending eight years in the Army, when both Telic and Herrick were in full swing, that I never deployed. I went to Norn Iron, Canada, Germany, Cyprus, Brunei and spent nine months on attachment in the US, but never deployed, to my eternal shame.

>fucking Gay Before Bed
I was right, I'd forgotten all about that.
>MTP DILAC
They're issuing that as a 'Fieldcraft Hat' to cadets now. I'm yet to have to explain what 'DILAC' stands for, and I rue the day. I just encourage them to buy bush hats...
>Swimming goggles
Are you shitting me? I never heard that. I love the MoD.
>GSR superior to S10
Can it handle a fried breakfast's volume of vomit when your seal isn't perfect, you get a whiff of CS and you're already feeling a bit peaky from an evening of dubious practices?

It's alright, just remember: by the end of this year, there will be soldiers joining (not Junior Entry at Harrogate) who were born in 2000. How old does that make you feel?

File: 5e5bdb55b5ea8e614ee48d7bff448e99.jpg (164KB, 480x481px) Image search: [Google]

164KB, 480x481px

>>34111152
>That's right, we fuckin mutinied to get out of doing push-ups
>Try ordering us to burn some village and see what the fuck happens!

>>34116980
cont.
>we're literally blazing a trail into the woodline
>xo saw a clearing on his map and is taking us there
>we're banging through branches and thick brush
>i can't past 2 meters with my nods in the shit
>truck 3 comes up on plt net
>truck 3 is apparently on fire
>truck 3 has the officers in it
>dis gon be gud
>literal chinese fire drill
>everyone running around like a chicken with their head cut off
>apparently a tree branch ripped out the trucks antenna
>the wiring then started to smoke out the truck
>the officers and joes from truck 3 get loaded up in my truck
>all tc's then dismount and ground guide us through the woods
>provost doc is now sitting in my truck's tc seat
>he's freaked out about all this
>never spent a day in the field before
>i try to reassure him and shit
>finally find a spot to circle the wagons up
>time for everyone but the drivers to dismount
>drivers are on comms detail
>sounds good to me
>xo wants the medics to provide security around the convoy
>are you fucking serious?
>he needs all unnecessary personnel for security
>i get placed on comms and all other drivers dismount
>basically chatting away with the provost doc while monitoring the net
>my truck medic comes over and says he needs his rhino mount back
>"do you really need it back dude?"
>"plt sergeant says i do because i'm pulling security"
>"ok w/e bro take it, just make sure i get that shit back."
>"i need that shit for when we get moving again"
>literally 5 minutes later xo shows up to my door
>"hey we're moving the convoy back out starting with your truck"
>uh ok
>starts to ground guide me through the woods
>i don't have my tc or my rhino mount
>literally holding my nods with one hand and steering with another
>provost doc is still next to me sans nods
>trying to fit this fat ass fla through these trees
>like a typical officer, xo can't ground guide worth shit
>he decides its a good idea to just turn around and start running
cont.

File: Is not like it is.png (545KB, 611x1103px) Image search: [Google]

545KB, 611x1103px

>>34107118

>>34110593
>> RSM fucks off and buys us some ice cream while a ruperts up there with him.
>> After maybe 45 mins the RSM throws a wobbly
>> RSM congers up two mess tins
>> Gives one to the rupert.

what the fuck does this even mean? Speak English you fucking island moneky

File: 1467427818698.gif (3MB, 480x270px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 480x270px

> be Muh reen POG
> go on deployment to "Iraq"
> stood post for 6 months as security in Kuwait
> motivated retard doc with us on security
> we drive around in GMC trucks because we're with the Air Force and they're fancy
> Doc calls in AK47 fire while driving around at night
> we check it out and it's literally nothing
> next week he reports "suspicious trash" and freaks out thinking it's an IED
> later on the month he decides he's going to try and stop ISIS from attacking small base
> calls in stupid shit over the radio throughout deployment
> crashed nice truck "in the parked position"
> already branded as a retard but now he has sown syndrome
> all in all he was an idiot but made everyone laugh
Wasn't a deployment compared to how things were 5 years ago but fuck it.

>>34117235
RSM: Regimental Sergeant Major (Warrant Officer Class 1). God to anyone under the rank of Major. See: 'The Badge', 'The Razzman', 'Oh fuck it's him hide it hide it'

Rupert: Young Officer, normally a bit of a hurrah Henry. Can be seen sporting offensive trousers, like Rupert the Bear.

Throwing a Wobbly: getting angry. When it's an SNCO/WO, see: red-faced shouty man.

Congurs: a bad spelling of conjours.

Ice cream: Delicous frozen dairy treat that plays havoc with my digestive system.

File: 1482175692381m.jpg (71KB, 1024x749px) Image search: [Google]

71KB, 1024x749px

>>34110276
>whats that smell

>>34117235
Civilian Colonial scum detected.
Fuckoff and devolve lower if you can you troglodyte

>>34117140
>what the fuck is this retard thinking, i need him to spot...
>wham
>i run straight into a pine tree
>xo turns around and looks at me like it's my fault
>i'm not the dumbass that didn't check for clearance
>i'm not the dumbass that started running through the woods
>he finally gets me to the edge of the woods
>in front of me is a road pretty much on top of a berm
>he's standing on top of the berm trying to get me to drive up it
>he's standing literally in front of the truck
>he's trying to ground guide me up the berm
>i'm not moving despite wanting to run this fucker over
>ops smaj shows up out of nowhere
>thank fucking god my savior
>sends the xo off and comes up to my door
>"do you know how to crest a berm in a vic?"
>roger smaj
>"well fucking do it"
>get up on the road
>ops smaj tells me how the convoy is gonna stage
>tells the provost that he should organize it
>provost doc speaks up
>"i'm a medical officer, i don't know what the hell is going on"
>ops smaj leaves me cursing the world
>provost doc is literally about to lose his shit
>evac squad nco shows up
>"have you been monitoring the comms?"
>fuck no snake, we lost innawoods
>"xo got in contact with the fuelers, they're oscar mike to the box
>fuelers have been chilling sitting back at the staging area for the past 5 hours
>they're eta is 60 minutes
>we get the convoy staged and ready
>fuelers show up
>mass mayhem as everyone is falling asleep at the wheel right now
>fuelers are so pissed at us for taking so long fueling
>fuckers got to sleep for the past 5 hours
>everyone is finally fueled up
>convoy is oscar mike to the unit ao
>it's fucking sunrise now as we show up
>they still have a casualty that needs to be medevac'd
>they load him up in my truck
>we stage at the hlz and wait for the bird
>bird doesn't show in time due to wrong cords
>casualty "dies"
>start to head back to the company toc
>get stopped by smaj oc
>kills me for not having seat belt on
fucking jrotc

>>34117064
Its even funnier when the SNCOs all band together to mutiny

>some motard decides to do PT on the beach one day
>crossfit meme drills means everyone's throwing sand in everyone else's faces
>that combined with the bitter cold and wind in our faces means everyone was mad the whole time
>about 15 minutes in the PTL calls for flutter kicks
>a fucking wave washes over us
>First Sergeant and the other SNCOs quickly huddle together, then break and tell us that PT's over and to go home early
>LT's face when

File: IMG_3636.gif (3MB, 386x232px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 386x232px

>>34116410
JESUS FUCK please let this be real

>>34117140
This came on my ipod right as I started reading your post
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMcbkR_Yp9Y
It's making everything about 300 times funnier.

>>34116245
> is this a new age thing?
Nah I just watched Band of Brothers on a loop as a kid so its a canteen to me. Also I bought a one off the internet for camping before I got in and its the traditional US OD green style one so I just call it a canteen.
Maybe im just a mong, its certainly not out of the realm of possibility.

File: images (1).jpg (4KB, 198x132px) Image search: [Google]

4KB, 198x132px

>be me, kraut, 3 months ago
>arrive at the base in the early morning hours after a night exercise and a 20km march back
>tired as fuck
>get order to clean guns immediately
>shot a lot of blanks so g36 dirty as fuck
>begin to disassemble my rifle
>somebody needs help because his cleaning chain got stuck
>get back to my rifle and want to check how dirty receiver and barrel are
>pick up partially striped g36 receiver and hold it over my head against the light
>look into the receiver from behind
>the bolt slides out the back and hits me in the forehead.
>blood all over my face
>get yelled at by NCO and sent to medic
>get a couple of stitches and become the company laughingstock for a week

>>34111737

Come on anon, tell.

>>34114272

Rejoin you idiot. Go do something more productive. Like getting a clearance or something.

>>34117488
I think the girl on the right requires medical attention.

>>34114838
surface ships have torpedoes too anon

>>34110276
that is fucking horrific
>blood mushrooms
not sure I want to know

File: G36.jpg (288KB, 1500x777px) Image search: [Google]

288KB, 1500x777px

Something I posted on /pol/

>show up and set up our bivouac, wait in the desert for saudis to arrive
>saudis finally show up a day late, about 2 companies worth
>most are old or really young, NCOs are nonexistent
>no uniformity, they're out of shape and chicken-legged
>my crew towered over them and you could smell them before they got close
>after they take almost an hour trying to figure our whose in what platoon, suadis finally form up
>have to wait another 2 hours for their gear to show up, they didn't come with rifles
>no one told the CO, he had planned to start training and ranges an hour before the saudis fianlly showed
>Saudis mill aimlessly around while they wait, on of the platoon commanders flip shit when they see the saudis burning some hash in a fire
>fuckers were getting stoned before the training started lol
>trucks with weapons finally arrive, start to unload a bunch of crates, Saudis drag ass to come help us out
>crack open the crates, inside are like 10 brand fucking new G36 with the integrated sight on them
>get a /k/ boner immediately, start handing them out to the Saudis
>too late to do ranges now, decide to do obstacle courses
>we gear up and begin doing the courses, buddy rushes and all that as the Saudis watch
>most of us race and try to beat each others time, Marines flying over obstacles in full gear and rifles
>Saudis start the obstacle course, most were wheezing and wobbling by the first stretch of obstacles
>noticed a Saudi stop in the middle of the course, puts his rifle on the ground and lights a smoke
>scream at him to keep going, Saudi officers do the same
>man just waves us off and keeps smoking, find out he's "taking a break"
>entire thing was a shit show, Saudis literally started to walk off halfway through the course for breaks
>we sort of just give up and start putting this little FOB together instead
>Saudis get together and start fires so they can get stoned...

File: War Paint.jpg (41KB, 636x425px) Image search: [Google]

41KB, 636x425px

>>34118387
cont'd

>get watch roster set, Saudi officers say they'll get some of their guys so we can split the watch
>Saudi has the first 2 hours, I was supposed to have watch 0200
>go to sleep early to get as much shut eye as I can before watch
>wake up to my Corporal shaking me awake, a mix of anger and confusion on his face
>asks me if I stood watch, finally realize that I missed my watch and spring awake, start apologizing
>Cpl tells me to relax, no one stood watch last night, fucking Saudi passed out an hour into watch and woke no one up
>from then on only we stood watch, Saudis got to sleep in all night
>wake up and try to get the ranges started, finally organize the Saudis into relays
>have them watch us do our tables and courses of fire, the babble and talk among themselves
>one fucker had is ear pro dangling around his neck while he had his finger in his ears
>saudis go up on the firing line to zero their weapons, hand of ammo and get the on line
>takes almost 3 hours to get them all zeroed, we ended up doing most of the shooting and adjusting
>finally start the tables, despite having to learn a whole new weapon system and zeroing the sights for them, saudis still can't hit shit
>shooting at each others targets, shooting in the the dirt, not aiming down the sights
>caught one suadi in the prone with barrel along his cheek, had his hand all the way by his hip so he can pull the trigger with his thumb
>he was using the barrel to aim...
>suddenly hear shots go off behind us, turn around to see some saudi laughing to himself as he shoots another round into the dirt
>gets tackled by one of the RSOs, mayhem ensues in the firing line, saudis babbling and flagging each other with their fingers on the trigger
>turns out the dude behind us was collecting saved rounds so he can shoot them in the dirt
>call of the range and we retreat into our now completed FOB, give everyone a combat load and stayed in there till the Saudis left the next morning

File: marin snek.jpg (102KB, 720x960px) Image search: [Google]

102KB, 720x960px

>>34118407
cont'd

>most of us were sure the Saudis were gonna kill one of us, not because they might be terrorist but because they're fucking retarded
>they spend the rest of the night bullshitting and getting stoned while they're officers hung out in a tent
>didn't pull watch that night since I was one of the guys helping on the line
>wake up to the saudis piling up into trucks and leaving
>walking around in flip flops, a USMC sweat top and silkies, I catch one of the saudis looking at me from the truck
>gaptooth fucker smiles at me and waves goodbye
>just stare at him like a father would to his toddler when hes doing some stupid shit
>gaptooth saudi waves the whole fucking way until the truck is out of sight and all I can see is the sun rising over that saudi fucking wasteland

Fucking Saudis man

>>34118418
fuckin lel.

I had to babysit a bunch of Saudi comms guys who came stateside to train.
Absolutely worthless when we were out in the field but they were actually pretty chill when we were off work. Some of them spoke English so we'd go out and get shitfaced after work. I still have a bunch of nasty perfume that one of the guys gave me

File: incredulous whore.png (323KB, 537x494px) Image search: [Google]

323KB, 537x494px

>the peak of his career was basic

Bro, if years has passed and you are still telling stories about basic, you fucked up hard.

>>34117333
>JROTC
Thats why. I was about to go fucking nuts that the SMaj. let an XO do anythings but give orders.

>>34106435
Ive got a story but its from my ROTC days. Ill have to wait tell lunch to tell it though

>>34117985
Everything is second hand so I'll get lots of shit wrong.

>be overnight marine friend
>taking shit
>DI breaks in
>"MARINE."
>"Y-yes Sergeant Instructor?"
>"HAVE A MILK SHAKE."
>"T-thanks s-sergeant instructor."
>DI pushes a large mcdonalds chocolate shake into his chest
>ten minutes later in the barracks
>other DI kicks in the door
>"WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY MILKSHAKE."
>everyone looks at confused marine friend holding a mcdonalds milkshake
>original DI sprints over whispering very mean words about what will happen if he says anything
>"YOU LOOK THIRSTY MARINE."
>"please no."
>"HYDRATE."
>After chugging the entire shake, puking and nearly collapsing
>"Now that you're hydrated and full of energy, I think it's time to use that energy!"
>"n-no."
>several hours later
>"Not bad Marine, but you owe me one milkshake. Instead I think I'll take one thousand pushups at a time of my choosing."
>several weeks later in formation before graduation
>"Congratulations Marine, also I'm calling in that debt you owe me."

>recently enlisted
>one night Gunny and first sergeant abduct him in a drunken stupor
>force him to get shitfaced with them
>night ends with all three pissing on the sgt major's doorstep
>gunny shits on his car
>"if you ever say a word we'll fucking kill you and let the locals eat your body."

I'll try to recall his other stories, especially the time he smuggled drugs over the mexican border.

>>34118418
http://www.meforum.org/441/why-arabs-lose-wars

tl;dr: mah warrior ethos, I'm the best ever, fuck everyone else; thus, we all suck.

File: $_7.png (67KB, 1280x719px) Image search: [Google]

67KB, 1280x719px

>>34114327
I was waiting for someone to ask, oooon it. Here's an example of my work while you wait, wont be as good as this but maybe

>>34110444
It's fucking genetic or something

>>34115861
this

I would never shoot a guy with his dick out. thats inconsiderate.

>>34118913
Is it bad that I think the only part of that article that makes any sense is how he points out that Arabs are shit because they don't have an NCO Corps?

File: nuclear caterpillar.png (111KB, 1596x558px) Image search: [Google]

111KB, 1596x558px

>>34107118
capped

File: reaction232.jpg (123KB, 1055x579px) Image search: [Google]

123KB, 1055x579px

>>34119017
Save your cap, I'm working on the comic now

>>34110460
more

>>34111670
Holy shit, exact same thing happend with us
>be marching back from the range
>mood is light, we just went shooting
>talking during movement is not allowed
>no fucks given by our NCOs if it's not too loud
>retard yugo screams some stupid shit
>NCO turns around
>HALT!
>Rekrut, do you know what a Zugssatellit (Platoon satellite) is
>No
>We march, you rund around the formation and make beep at the front and rear
>VERSTANDE USFÜEHRIG MARSCH
beep....beep...beep

>>34116410
>tfw your deployment will never be an zany 80s comedy like this

>>34119260
>>34111670
Holy shit thats an awesome beasting

anyone got any other ideas?

>>34110593
>>34110460

When you next make up stories on the internet don't use Sergeant, use Corporal, because Sergeants are rarely if ever used in an instructional capacity in the Regular Army.

>>34119312
and here we found a cadet, onto the indoor mortar range you go.

>>34110819
ecks dee

>super specialist medic
i got a bunch of stories about one of my old team leaders from the med plt. really nice guy and extremely smart, but something just wasn't right with him. he got a degree from fsu in library studies or some such shit. worked a good portion of his life working as a convenience store manager and joined up just before he turned 35. i don't have a lot of time right now; and some of them are second hand; but i'll let you guys decide which one:

>wanders off night nav course and ends up on a heavy weapons live fire range
>gives a butter bar with hives epinephrine during a live fire
>rips open a cbrn truck's tent worth about half a mil
>tells a "patient" to sing him a camping song during trauma lanes
>digs an entire trench for aid station defense during division unit training
>tries to start a camp fire during a mortar range at a national guard cross training event
>had to give a class during safety week because he fell asleep in the latrine
>didn't show up for work until 1500 after a zonk

>>34119328
Sergeant Instructors are rare, especially at training units, and your stories smack of OTC antics. Block inspections are not the sort of thing Sergeants convey to recruits; that is entirely down to the Lance Jacks and one Corporal. Soldiers in training are not permitted to eat alone. Cyprus does not have an assault course with height work, nor has anyone in the past 20 years ever done forced runs in respirator and CBRN gear.

Try it on somewhere else.

What does "NOD" or "NODs" actually stand for? I know they're night vision goggles, but the actual acronym eludes me.

>>34119499
>nightvision
>optical
>device

>>34119507
Are you fucking kidding me? That was my guess the entire time but it just sounds so fucking awkward compared to night vision goggles / NVGs.

They don't use NVG because a 'NOD' isn't always going to be goggles, right? 'Optical device' covers a wider range of things that could provide night vision than just 'goggles'.

>>34119530
>idk
i always say nods because it's just easier to say.

>>34119530
we typically just say nvg's.

>>34119530
i guess thermals are considered nods, but we either called them thermals or by their name. i think our dudes had psq-20s.

>>34110593
>ding

>>34110764
hahahhaha

>>34110505
>LOL GUYS LOOK I'M A TRANNY GUYS LOOK LOOK AT ME I'M SO SPECIAL DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE
this is why people don't like you. Mentioning you were trans added nothing to the story but you just HAD to tell us didn't you faggot

>>34110852
>shot himself doing the terminator trick

gg

>>34110970
/ourguy/

File: 1495950525898.jpg (43KB, 557x557px) Image search: [Google]

43KB, 557x557px

>>34110979

>walk on the grass

>>34119312
A training team at Pirbright consists of:
1 OC (usually captain)
1 sergeant (drill sergeant)
1 corporal per section

As for the rules on punishments:
The individual will be punished not the group. This does not apply to PTIs, as what happens during PT is at their own disclosure. Nowhere does it state what is and isnt allowed. Yes theres no hazing, but physical punishment is bog standard. Next youre going to tell me nobodys been made to do push ups in the last 20 years.

>>34110240
I've never seen this movie. Please tell me they got chewed out

>>34118491
Well it's normally where the stupidest people congregate.

>>34110306
If I may ask, what country's military, anon?

File: fear the medic.jpg (35KB, 600x600px) Image search: [Google]

35KB, 600x600px

>>34119368
wrote this one up while i had time at work
>super specialist medic
>pulling med coverage while at unit wide company live fires
>3 trucks with 2 medics per truck
>basically pulling aid station style sick call out of the trucks
>spending time in between 2 different ranges
>one directly next to the live fire range
>one up at the live fire control tower
>and myself up the road at the mout range
>mout isn't using live ammo so no harm no foul
>we spend about a 24 hour period just pulling med coverage as usual
>evac squad nco is in charge of whole operation
>he's posted up at the live fire control tower
>np we just chillin watchin dudes learn how to clear rooms
>rolls up 5 mins later in a huffy
>starts bitching about medic on the live fire spot
>we'll call this dude ferret
>ferret has been bringing himself to the attention of the csm
>general fuckery of things really
>not being aware of certain range ops
>not knowing things off the top of his head
>general complacency
>big thing though is one of the butterbars fucked up
>put premetherin on his skin thinking it was bug repellant
>you're supposed to soak in into your clothes over a period of a day
>not a big problem though
>just need to monitor the butterbar
>feed him benedryl and make him hydrate everythings fine
>ferret notices that he's broken out in hives
>still not a big deal just monitor that shit
>ferret wants to give him epinephrine
>please god don't just monitor him
>that's when evac nco decided he needed a break and came to me
>now the thing about epinephrine is if you give it to somebody they need to be hospitalized
>you need to monitor their heart directly with an ekg
>and if you hit em with an epi pen, you gotta evac them quick as their heart may explode
>the only reason you give a guy epi is if they go into anaphylactic shock
>you literally can't breath for shit if you have it
>now we're shooting the shit with the evac nco when a call for him comes up over the net
>ferret gave him the epi
cont.

File: harm your medic.jpg (72KB, 500x500px) Image search: [Google]

72KB, 500x500px

>>34120560
cont.
>evac nco hops into truck and hauls ass back to ferret
>they load up the butter bar and all of them roll out to the hospital 30 mins down the road
>range has to go cold due to no medics on range
>a few hours pass and the evac nco returns to the mout site
>what's up sarnt?
>csm wants all the medics over at the live fire instead of split up
>why what's up?
>range had to go cold because of all the hijinks
>csm doesn't ever want the range to go cold
>ok fine
>we pack up and relocate down to the live fire range
>spot ferret's medic driver
>ask him how shit went down
>ferret was asking all sorts of shit that the butterbar didn't know
>allergies to meds he's never taken or plants he's never been in contact with
>butterbar asks him what would happen if he was allergic to certain shit
>ferret tells him straight up
>starts describing in detail of what would happen if he went into anaphylactic shock
>butterbar starts getting worried
>starts thinking that he might potentially die from rubbing pemethrin on his skin
>starts breathing heavily and holding his chest
>ferret asks him if he's having trouble breathing
>butterbar says yes
>"says yes"
>obvious flag right there that he's not going into anphylaxis
>ferret hits him with 2 epi pens and has his driver call it up over the net
>they get him to the hospital and get him checked in
>nurses ask why they hit him up with epi
>they tell them what happened
>nurses then retrain ferret on what anaphylaxis is and and how to treat with epi
>butterbar spends the night in hospital and gets released the next day
>csm has a word with the evac nco
>literally tells him to baby sit ferret until we can replace him
>no one is available for replacement
>everyone is already tasked out
>csm has a conniption
ferret knew his trauma shit like the back of his hand. we never trusted him to hand out even ibuprofen after that though.

>>34120533
British Army, anon.

Specifically ATC Pirbright, the basic training center for all of the Corps - those who are not infantry.