>tfw literally dickless I need some /k/ stories to cheer me up.

>>33979344
You know what the word literal means, right?

So are you saying, point of fact, you are actually missing your penis? If so, that's the story that needs to be told here.

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>>33979344
> T. Dickless

>>33979344
I'm guessing you stepped on a pressure release IED, Know of plenty of guys who lost dicks that way

Front foot comes down, when they stride over, the same leg comes up to step and BOOM, blows right up inside your shit.

>>33979418
Its not much of a story to tell. I kept experimenting with different objects around the house, and i made the mistake of trying to use the barrel of my old mossberg, forgetting it was still loaded.

>>33979418
I am a man who was born in a woman's body

>>33979450

You really expect anyone to believe that stuck your fassi in a loaded firearm and didn't check?

You really expect that the aforementioned loaded firearm just went off for no reason?

Why would you do that, why would you just go on the internet and tell lies?

>>33979450
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...........................

>>33979450
>Fucking from the barrel
You're suppose to do it in the chamber...

>>33979474
a dick isnt hard enough to scratch the crown, so either way should be ok.

>>33979450

bait

>>33979486

If you really can fit your dick inside the bore of a 12-gauge you were dickless before anyway.

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>>33979450

>>33979500
dont mock the OP's former needledick, its not polite.

Pics or it didn't happen.

>>33979450
Are you the same guy who made up that bullshit 12ga napalm story?
Because it's just as stupid.

>>33979450
fake and gay

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>>33979344
I'll tell you this dit of this guy who i went to school with and later war...

> 2005
> Operation TELIC (iraq).
> Royal anglian regiment
> 1st Battalion, "The Vikings"
> Recce platoon.
> Local regiment, so fair few boys from round town. Especially in C "Essex" coy
> Two in my platoon
> Week before our OPMI (embedded intelligence operative) got rotated back to blighty after an accident.
> Drive to Basra airport to pick up our new one.
> Well Fucking hell its another guy i went to school with.
> Lets call him his nickname "phantom"
> Recently Got back from counter insurgency ops against the continuity campaign in northern ireland.
> Doesn't say much, really didn't have much to talk about to be fair.
> Notice some of his gear, He's got some gucci kit, None of that PLCE/assault vest & ECBA Plate combination.
> Some ECBA plate carrier with pouches on it kinda MOLLE style, rocking just some DPM trousers & a T shirt, Oakleys, and more knives attached to his body than We had mags.
> Anyway Gets taken the piss out of kind of like how americans have fobbits
> What you going to do with those knives? kinda shit.

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>>33979634
Cont.
> Going on his first outing.
> Gonna Mount up in a warrior
> Hold up on top of this compound and get eyes on this town.
> Town has previously been pretty much a no go area.
> Objective is to observe and relay movements and to provide cover for a platoon that is going into just the edge of the city.
> Yeah whatever.
> Doing out thing.
> Warrior stops
> Warrior rear door has a complex system for opening
> Vehicle Commander Transfers command to infantry commander and then door can be opened by the infantry commander.
> Dismount and get on the roof of this compound.
> Set Up OP.
> Our second platoon gets all the way up to this town and starts taking heavy machine gun and sniper fire, 800m west of our pos
> Our Warrior opens up.
> Phantom opens up with his Long (sharpshooters rifle).
> gazing through the binos.
> he shoots,
> He misses
> he adjusts the scope.
> He shoots.
> He slots (kills) one.
> He cocks the rifle
> He slots another
> Start hearing habdabaflabadabagh below us
> Hadji runs out in front of us with an AK and opens up firing at us.
> More hadjis come out
> Phantoms still on his long happily popping away at the targets
> Eventually we decide to bug out
> Leg it to the warrior with what feels like 30 guys running after us.
> Haul arse back in and switch the hatch shut and over ride it back to commander.
> Sound off
> silence as no Number 1
> No phantom
> Hear a muffled voice from outside, calm, but clearly irritated.
> "Fucking let me in. You tosser."

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>>33979450

>>33979714
Cont.
> We all start laughing at his mishap
> The only fucking person we needed to bring back to safety and he's not bloody here.
> He's banging on the rear hatch.
> "Let me in" He says more irately
> Makes us laugh even harder.
> "They're Outside with me"
> This time theirs genuine worry in his voice
> We're laughing so hard right now.
> Gunner & commander ask whats funny.
> We try to open the hatch but the vehicle commanders override is still in affect.
> Makes us laugh even harder
> We give up and we're trying to tell the Vehcle commander but we're laughing to hard
> Phantom opens up one last time
> " For fucks sake they're right..."
> Hear gunshots outside from 4 maybe 5 rifles all on fully automatic
> Couple of bullets clang against the hull & hatch.
> We all stop laughing in horror.
> "Commander our Muppets still outside to the rear"
> "Gunner targets, rear left, overriding hatch override"
> Hatch opens and we lob out a smoke
> Vehicle commander "No targets"
> We cautiously exit.
> There he is, towering over a body with a knife in it.
> Another 5 bodies in addition to that one
> Not a fucking scratch but covered in blood
> He opens a channel to the warrior telling them to flatten the compound.
> Sitting back in the warrior on the route home after flattening the compound
> Silence, utter silence for 20 mins.
> He bursts out laughing like the nutter he is.
> Ask him whats funny
> He said being locked outside, said he must have sounded like an utter twat.
> Getback to FOB and people stop saying shit behind his back after getting at least 7 confirmed slotted.One with his knife.

Bloke later did an airdrop from 3 stories from a chinook that didn't land, was on point for kadjaki relief column doing 90 the whole way, and later took an IED to the face which he didn't take to kindly to so when on a Taliban killing rampage until he bled out.

Good bloke, would serve with Again
10/10

>>33979634
>>33979714
>>33979830

Either the Royal Anglians are extremely fucking incompetent and allow just about any old lunatic into the Recce Platoon

Or you faced the elite super dooper troopers of the Middle east who apparently give chase to Recce blokes who bug out of defensible positions under superior firepower from at least 3 nearby vehicles

OR You are a quantum computing level bullshitter


I can say pretty confidently which one of those is the most likely, You may as well right a book about that heroic adventure (under a pseudonym of course), don't forget to post it on ARRSE

>>33979830
>went on a hadji killing rampage until he bled out

Did... did he die ? Or just pass out

>>33980225
Not him. But bled out only ever means 1 thing. Yeah, he died.

>>33980240
na the cunts still around, he simply passed out.

It's kind of a shame as he's a rupert now.

>>33979450
>His dick is small enough to fit in a shotgun.

Might as well be dickless.

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>>33979344
>>33979450
You never said you were a male, or had a penis to begin with.

>>33980258
Oh. Well you said bled out so I assumed the worst.

Also, I'm an American GI... What's a Rupert? Don't know your slang.

>>33980258
I was hoping he wasnt

>>33980287
Well it's quite simple, innit?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myIB1TrPpTE

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>>33979344
t. Murad Hamedallah

>>33979427
Holy shit.

>>33979427
do those tripfags still post on here? i've never seen them

>>33979486
>shotgun
>crown

Apply yourself

>>33980358
Shotgun barrels have crowns...

>>33980287
Not a brit either, but I heard the term before.

>the moniker Rupert, the insulting guardsman term for a nobby officer
chapter 3
>>>/tg/53275189

>>33980301
Quite elementary my dear chap
https://youtu.be/hWUaT5ovZ50

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>>33979344
>>33979450
This story is so fake I wouldn't be surprised if it was made up so you can screen cap your own post and get some upgoats on reddit.

But please, prove me wrong:

PICS OR IT DID NOT HAPPEN
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